Thursday, January 09, 2014
Today's motivation: I've slipped into a pretty bad depression and have gone into self destruction mode, I went on an Ice cream every night, soda everyday, stopped caring what when into my head hole mass destruction. I quit running, working out... caring! Part of it being because of my health issue and the conic pain & fatigue I'm having, part of it because so much other crap was going on in my head. Taking care of myself became too hard. I've put on 10 lbs my clothes are tight and I have no "Fat Clothes" to fall back on and refuse to buy bigger clothes again. Yesterday on a walk with the Hubz he was royally pissing me off, not even a mile into it and all I had heard the whole time was bitching. I finally stopped and looked at him and told him I was done. I wanted to go home, and I would find someone tomorrow to go with or go by myself. It actually ended up being a good time with him...But on my way back I was looking at my shadow and I started to cry. I have seen that shadow before, I watched it change and get smaller and not jiggly. I worked hard to make that shadow change. And today my old shadow was back. I took a picture of it, so I can remember I've come too far to let this shadow back in my life.
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
I am proud of myself!!!!
I spent a lot of December looking back over the past year and reflecting on everything I had done and watching myself morph into something better... I was looking forward to this year to make not a resolution but a plan...or a map you might say, and I'm very excited about it.
I did so many impossible things in 2012, okay we all know it's not impossible but to me they were. I had so many changes I had to make.
I had to change my mind: I had to decided I don't want to live this way for the rest of my life.
My thought process: That I couldn't do it. It was more than I could handle and that I didn't deserve it.
My way of thinking: I am worth it. I can do it and NO ONE was going to do it for me. It wasn't going to come easy and if I give up I let ME down, no one else! And that it was ok to be the ONLY Beet Purple person in the gym. I wasn't going to die, pass out or anything else and it meant my body was doing what it was supposed to be doing...WORKING!!!
My habits: I was going to have to change my way of eating, I would have to take responsibility of my emotions and how I deal with them..and I was GOING TO HAVE TO EXERCISE and I would have to do it even when i didn't want to or didn't feel like it.
But most of all my Attitude: I was going to have to find a way to make it work. So I decided that I was going to challenge myself...I was going to do something in 2012 that scared me. Not the "BOO! AHHHHH!" kind of scare but the down in your gut wanting to puke everytime you think about it kind of scare. The kind of Scared that is Bigger than anything you ever imagined possible for you...and I was going to take baby steps.
I started with zumba, how much fun is Zumba!! Heck ya, partying and dancing AND it's Exercise!! Score!! I called it exercise in cogneto. Then I started with some plyometrics and strength training...and MAN did my muscles scream in pain and HATE me for days..but the strangest thing happened...I actually started to LOVE...yes my friends I just said LOVE, that feeling. I didn't see any changes in my body for a long time but I could feel those tired, sore, cranky muscles and KNOW that change was happening.
Then I decided after a short while that I wanted to start running, I HATE RUNNING ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY!!! You CANNOT run, you have bad knees and hips and a bad back Seriously what are you thinking crazy girl (that was my brain trying to talk me out of it). And I started the C25K program and I ran the treadmill at the gym and I loved challenging myself to run longer and faster. And then my first set back. I got injured at work and was on crutches for 6 weeks. I was devastated, I knew what I was loosing AND I had signed up for my first 5k and I was going to miss it! So as soon as I got the green light to rehab in the pool and walk without crutches, I was on it! I worked smart so I wouldn't re-injure myself. And I was able to participate by walking very very slowly my first 5K.
During all of this I had also decided I was going to set my sites on bigger goals. I don't know where it came from or even why I had such a strong desire to do this but it came from my gut. I had to with every ounce of who I am sign up with Team in Training/ Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and Run a 1/2 Marathon. I have honestly never felt like this about anything in my life. It's the strangest feeling. I did sign up and I realized why I had to be part of it. My heart was telling me it was time to Celebrate my life. 2012 was my 16th year Cancer free from my second bout of Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It's something I don't think about, It's something we NEVER talk about in my family, and the only reason my husband know's is because I was still having blood work and follow up appointments when we got together. But all he even knew is that I had cancer and I was now fine lol. I NEEDED to let go of my chains, and to face this disease that had held me hostage for so many years. The most amazing things happened to me while I was healing, Celebrating and learning about my disease that I never got to know. I raised $1600 for the LLS. I met some of the best people in my life, I have a new extended family. And I got to take this trip with my little sister who is still my Running Idol, teacher and Best friend!
While I was training to run my race my body became more and more healthy and happy with me. I was slowly seeing transformation. But most importantly I was FEELING them. I was happier and Free'er than I have been in a very long time. My wonderful boy's were cheering me on, telling me how proud of me they were. I still remember the first time my middle son hugged me stepped back looked at me and jumped back on me and said "MOMMY YOU ARE SO SKINNY NOW!!!!" it sounds funny because I was like WHAT?!?!? And then later I actually looked in the mirror and was shocked by the woman standing there looking back at me. She was not even close to the person she was 5 months before...and Certainly NOT even close to the person who decided to scare the hell out of herself 10 months prior.
My family is my world, and I'm able to play with my boys and not feel like I'm dieing, or just watch from the sidewalk. I'm out there playing with them, running around with them, Ice skating with them. I'm able to make wonderful memories WITH my boy's not OF them...and that's priceless!
I have come a long way, I still have quite a way's to go but I'm well over halfway to my goal weight...and I know 2013 will be challenging but I'm excited to see the end result and I believe that will happen this year.
Sunday, December 09, 2012
It's been so long since I looked in the Mirror and liked what I saw. I loathe mirrors and would only use them to make sure what I was wearing didn't look totally wrinkled or made me look like a tent, but I would never stop in front of the mirror and actually look let alone halfway like what I saw.
I have had to weed out my closet and I have very few clothes that fit left, and what I do is mostly Cub Scout Day Camp T-shirts, Hoodies and Jeans. I'm in desperate need of clothing that fits. But I allowed myself to get a new pair of jeans last week, I spent a little more than I would normally on them (meaning I went to Ross not Goodwill) I tried on 2 pairs and one of them I needed a size 12!!! But I didn't feel comfortable in those ones, They fit nice but I was a bit paranoid about them touching me, Yes another thing I've avoided. Clothes that touch me! So anyway I get the one pair and I'm in love with them. So I started digging through the back of my closet, that's where the clothes I've got in the past that were a little tight or touched me , or that I just got too fat for go, and I start pulling out tops and having my own little fashion show with my new Jeans and these tops that I'm trying on. And I have to say I really liked most of what I saw!
I am also the girl that bags on people that wear leggings and sweatshirts in public, I will wear leggin's under skirts or with my tunics or sweater dresses but not a HOODIE, UNLESS it's my running gear and I'm going for a run. But yesterday I didn't plan on leaving my house so I had my running tights on, my hoodie and Pink Uggs. We have no heat in my house right now (heater broke) so I was freezing and my running tights are fleece lined and kept me toasty. We were getting our christmas stuff put up when the Hubz yells down from the ladder, can you just run to CVS and get me more light hangers please...UGH ok it's just one store I can do this! I'm at the store and get a call, grab a firestarter log...well they don't have hangers so I have to go to the store next door, still not loving this but it's next door not a huge deal. Go there and they don't have either of them. Call him and tell him I'm coming home empty handed. He goes can you just stop at wal-mart and get them, I really need them and you're already out. At this point I'm in near tears because I am in public in my tights, he's like are you seriously worried about what your wearing? YES I AM!!! So I begrudgingly say yes, and mind you it's not stopping by Wal-Mart on the way home...it's driving across town in the opposite direction of my house.
So I get that mess over and get home and in the wake of getting christmas stuff out of the garage we uncover some clothes I haven't worn in YEARS so I go try them on, and one of the shirts matches with my tights I have on so I try it on and look in the mirror and OMG I felt HOT!!! I am actually starting to look thin! My legs look amazing, my butt is where it's supposed to be not all saggy and stuff, So I put on my boots with it and DAMN!!! I felt sexy. So I've been bagging myself esteem the whole day because I had to go in public in something I just knew people were thinking "that whale should not be wearing" and then I got home and put a different shirt on with it and I LOVED the way I looked. So I realized that, I was loving my legs and butt with the shirt on but my legs and butt looked that way the whole day! I didn't look as bad as I felt. I feel kind of silly about that lol.
I'm even noticing at the gym I'm really transforming. At Zumba the other night our class started dropping in the middle of it and I remember looking up in the mirror not not being able to see where I was and being a little confused because class wasn't big, and then realized the person in the mirror I glanced at while looking to see what I looked like was me! So I honestly didn't see me. I was looking for someone bigger, and I was shocked at how thin and toned I'm starting to look. I wonder if I'll ever be ok with the way I look, If I'll always be looking for the "fat me" if I'll ever truly see me. I know it's a process, but I never saw my self as the "Fat girl" until I saw a pic of me 30 lbs ago and was like OMG Seriously?!?!? But all in all I have to admit...I'm really starting to like what I see!
Friday, October 05, 2012
Wow I can't believe in a little over a week I will be writing the final chapter of this journey. It brings tears to me eye's just thinking about it. It has been quite the journey indeed and I am no where close to being the same person I was when I started.
I have learned so much about myself in the last 5 months. I've learned that it's ok to be weak, because there's only one way to go from there! I've learned you can have good and bad and sometimes even AWFUL runs but it doesn't matter! Because I learned something from each run. I remember when 2 miles almost killed me, 3 miles questioned why I signed up for 13.2 and how would I ever be able to do it when I couldn't manage 3 miles!!! I NEVER gave up, I NEVER quit!!! And this was new for me. Anytime things got hard before I'd just move on to the next thing. But I stuck with it. I cried, cussed and Cheered!! I remember the first time I hit 5 miles... I jumped and yelled so loud in the middle of my run and then all of my girls celebrated my victory. I remember the first time I ran just over 6 miles and thinking OMG I just did almost half of my race!!! That feeling was amazing. And then thinking 3 miles almost broke me and I just pulled 6! I've had a lot of tears on this journey and honestly I've had my doubts. How am I going to run 13 when I haven't been able to complete 10 yet? Why can't I have good run's??? And then the well if we just go a little farther that'll give us 1 more mile, what the heck let's go for it! And that's the run that I ran my first unofficial half!!! We did 13.25 miles last Saturday because of that just a little farther mindset! Do I even really like running... I like it, but I can't say I love it LOL. I LOVE the feeling I get of hitting my next accomplishment, I love feeling just a little stronger. I LOVE that...but the actual love of running? Hmmm I'm still on the fence. I've been a thrill ride to be around.
I have learned so much not just about running but about me. I learned how to push through it. I learned that 3 miles didn't kill me...it just felt that way in the beginning. I learned that I can get excited about "ONLY 5 or 6 miles this weekend" but most importantly I've learned to be proud of myself! I am queen of self bashing and degration. I can find the fault in ANYTHING that I do. And I've learned it doesn't matter. I have done the most amazing things, I've conquered my fear of pushing myself, of running of bridges and feeling like I don't count! I've NEVER allowed myself to be called a survivor. I've alway's felt like because I was lucky and my "battle" with cancer was easy that I wasn't worthy of being called one. I felt like I would take something away from people who had to Survive. And I felt guilty that I was a "lucky one". I never learned much about my disease because I didn't want to. Like some how if I didn't know anything about it, it never happened. I met someone this season that is a survivor in every sense of the word. And she has done more for me than she will ever realize. We talked one day about my story and of course there's not much of one but as I was telling her some of it she would say things to me and would be telling ME MY story. She's never met me and she knew what I had gone through...Step by Step...and she was telling me what I had gone through. And for the first time in my life I connected to someone who got it! I didn't have to say anything and she understood! And right there I could feel the healing start. I've seen her a few times since then and I have been drawn to her and one night she was telling her story, and so many pieces of it fit mine. I understood her! I knew those fears!
I am so grateful that I decided to take this journey for so many reasons. And the tears fall again, there are so many reasons but mostly of joy. I am the Happiest and by far the Healthiest I have been in 25 years. And it's because of my journey.
On October 14, 2012...My son Kyles 8th birthday I will run my second 13.1 miles of my life...and this time it will be Officially my 1st Half Marathon. And I couldn't have done it by myself. I wanted to be part of something greater than myself, and as this chapter of my journey closes...I can say I have found it!!!
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