Friday, November 13, 2009
At 534 pounds.
When you weigh as much as three full grown adults life is not a bowl of cherries, everything that you do is a struggle and when you are there that is not how you see it, mostly because it is the life that you are living and there is seemingly nothing that can be done about it. Basic tasks need to get done no matter what weight a person may be, I don't mean the laundry or the dishes or even spending time with the ones you love, I am speaking of a more basic set of things like walking, taking a shower or getting dressed, these things become huge challenges when you weigh more than a quarter of a ton and not a single one of us wants to admit weakness so we suck it up and do everything in pain and or discomfort so that we don't need to admit how weak we actually are. Bitterness becomes a defense, withdrawn attitudes are the flavor of the day and that's coming from me, the guy that laughs at everything, I am that guy making jokes no matter what even at my highest weight, ask anyone that knows me personally, it was the truth as its just my personality but it was more of a smoke screen to cover up all of the fuvked up $hit that I was dealing with at the time where my health was concerned.
Sitting around with thoughts like "is today the day the firemen will have to cut a hole in the side of my house to get me out because I had a heart attack" floating around your gray matter is not all cotton candy and bunny rabbits, that kind of $hit eats away at a person. Imagine that every day you wake up and 45 seconds after struggling out of bed as gracefully as your size allows so that no one knows how hard it is while walking towards the bathroom, chest pounding harder and harder with every step taken Bamn! that thought pops into your head, will today be the day that my family has to watch 12 firemen try to extract me from the hallway because it was the day my heart popped, every day after that thought materialized in my head my heart did pop and into that spiral downward we fall again. It is a feeling of unfathomable misery on a daily and every day gets a bit lower, every day that the idea of losing everything because of your size digs deeper into your bones and nothing can be done but to acknowledge silently that your days are in fact numbered if this path is the one to be followed, but still day in and day out down the stairs and a half of a box of cereal with full fat milk goes down with a coke and a smile.
August 2007, Largest size
I'll tell you, it sucks being that heavy and feeling like there is nothing that can be done, being trapped in your own skin is not a feeling that I wish upon anyone. Day in and day out food is there to comfort, and I don't mean comfort in any other way than it tasted good, it did not require any effort to slip it into the abyss and it tasted good, I think I mentioned that it tasted good right? and we grow. One day all of the fear starts getting the better of you and suddenly all you can think about is how you don't want to end up in the local news paper as the fella that was cut from the house while the scumbag media tries to interview your family on the porch with the hole in the wall as a back drop and still you can't stop yourself from lifting that fork to lips and eating bite after bite. The indentation on the couch is eerily taking the shape of your ass and it hurts to do anything, standing, walking, sitting down I mean everything and hiding all of the pain because of pride becomes second nature.
September 2009, most current photo of me
Then there is clothing, Let me tell you that buying a 6xl shirt or size 56 jeans is not exactly easy on the wallet, buying a tee shirt and a pair of jeans can set a person of that size back $70 to $95 dollars for a simple off brand tee shirt and the big and tall brand jeans. Now think about how these clothes are not really the most stylish things on the planet along with the fact that they are not made from the highest quality materials and need replacing often and it kind of sucks, though a superficial wound compared to the real issues of being hyper obese this one adds a lot to the low esteem part of the equation. So much that is not seen is going on in a fat persons head every second of every day...
"I wonder how long I can hold it because walking up to the bathroom is going to kill my back"...
"If I pretend to not be interested everyone will believe that I am choosing not to go to the movies rather than not going because I don't fit in the seats"...
"I have so much to live for why can't I just stop eating"...
"I don't remember sex hurting this much in the past"...
"If this goes much further we will have to install a Bidet in the bathroom"...
"I know its not a good idea with my chest beating like this but if I can just make it to the lawn to have my heart attack it will be less embarrassing for everyone because no hole in the house"...
"will I die today?"...
This entire post was inspired by about 4 seconds of thought yesterday after I ran across a parking lot and into my car, I jumped in put my seat belt on started the car and drove away, as I was driving away it dawned on me just how comfortable I was spinning around in my seat to check for traffic even though I had a seat belt on and had just ran across a parking lot, not out of breath and having had a surgery 8 days prior, oh dear how my life has changed. Life at just over 300 pounds is a completely different ball game and I have not had any of the above thoughts in quite some time, I do what I want to do when I want to do it. December 31st 2007 is one of the best days in my life and I can honestly remember it as clear as if it happened yesterday, it is the day that I chose to take my life back, its the day that I decided that there was a little girl that would have her Daddy for a very long time and I completely one eightied my plan, the road that was being traveled surely would have lead to bad things and perhaps a hole in my living room wall.
I am not special, I am no different than anyone else on this planet I simply had enough and decided to change the way things were going, It is not an easy thing to do so I won't lie and say that it is or has been but then I find most things in life that are worth doing are not easy.
Why are YOU waiting to live?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
This morning I have the pleasure of having Wify home because of Veterans day and we made a deal a while back that she would join the gym with me after I scheduled my Gallbladder surgery and since I held my part of the bargain up off we went this morning to sign her up. This also means that it was my first trip back to the gym since having my surgery and I ended up doing a light work out which consisted of 30 minutes on a treadmill at 3mph with a 3% incline and 15 minutes on a stationary bike set at level 11 resistance, I felt good afterward but tomorrow and later tonight will let me know if I did too much or if I am a go to get back in there every day again working slowly back up to my new bestest friend the arc-trainer.
Tuesday's menu could have been better and I know that I was over on calories but I have not a clue how much because I did not use my excel sheet, it was one of those bleh days where I felt like I needed more food and just went with it because I am still recovering a bit so Tuesday I gave myself a pass. My drinking is back to normal and I am back to my regular 1.5 to 2 gallons per day and my weight is coming down daily, have I mentioned that I am way up since the surgery? well I am and I believe it to partially be because of the surgery itself and all of the trauma but I did eat whatever would go down comfortably for the first couple days afterward and that may be a contributing factor as well but either way things are stabilizing where weight is concerned. I am a little bit disappointed at the timing of my surgery and my 25 by Nov 11th challenge that I have been doing because I did very well with that challenge and since the surgery ran into the last week and I really did not think it would make that big a difference I messed up any real numbers that would have been if I had not had the surgery this week, it is what it is I suppose.
The thing that triggered that challenge was because my doc said to me the last time that I saw him "you have done something that is not like you" oh yeah whats that? "you GAINED weight" and it bugged me because it was the first time that the recorded weight at the docs was a plus instead of a minus. Now it was one pound that I was up at the time so more than likely a fluctuation or I forgot to take my keys out of my pocket but even still and the challenge was born, I am just hoping that when I get to the docs office this afternoon that I am not above that number again. Either way it does not matter but since I challenged myself I would of course like to see me at least on the lower side of those numbers, it is pure insanity to me at just how much I am up since having the gallbladder removed but I know it is a temporary thing so in all honesty I am not too bothered by it.
Over all I am doing well post surgery (not that it was a big bad surgery or anything) but four holes punched through my abdomen still smarts! and getting back in the gym this morning felt good. From here on out I am going to be on auto pilot with the gym and my eating as well as my hydration so I have a feeling that it will be sooner than later that I hit my goal weight or at least chip my way to under 300 pounds because that is a bench mark that I am really looking forward to. I have a few subjects (more personal) that I want to write about on this blog but they take more time than I have right now as I need to get going to my appointment but look for them in the very near future, until then keep drinkin that H2O and keep in mind that YOU are the one making the decisions, so drop the brownie and get that arse moving.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I am back on track and counting again since my surgery, and this morning I woke up feeling great considering that yesterday was my first day without taking anything for pain and one of my four lovely incision spots still feels a little dodgy this morning but otherwise feeling like awesomeness in a bag. My intake for Monday was 1835 calories which is slightly higher than my normal 1700 but I did decide to up the calories a bit right before my surgery because of all of the extra exercise that I have been doing at the gym so I figure I will get back into it now and when I hit the gym again I will be in the swing of the new calorie scale.
I did go out for a short 15 minute walk yesterday and felt fine as far as any pain is concerned so hopefully that means that I can get back in the gym sooner than later. I won't push it because the gym will always be there and something that I have learned in the past almost 2 years of living healthier is that quick fixes usually never work, so hitting the gym before I am ready or should I say my body is ready will end up being a counterproductive endeavor if something were to happen and I injure myself. Being mentally ready to concur the world and physically limited by some tenderness because of a missing organ is slightly frustrating and again I am reminded how I was just about 2 years ago when sitting stationary was welcome and the norm, I am amazed still that I was in that situation not so long ago and here I am only a week so far where I am limited and going stir crazy because I am limited in the very same way.
I miss my stationary bike, I miss my arc-trainer, I want to take a ride around the lake on my mountain bike, in time this will be back in my days but for now I feel like Margot stuck in a closet while the other children play out in the sun, but sometimes Nature can be fickle and well...yeah I am missing an organ so. This feeling of wanting to go do something over sit on my arse though is a bit bleh because I can't do anything about it is sort of refreshing all at the same time because once upon a time I would have been more than happy to tout that I was not moving off of my robust posterior because I had just been in the Hospital dammit! I need my rest! it would have been the uber excuse that I needed to justify why I was stationary for the next few weeks. Quite the opposite is whats happening, Sunday I did some light yard work which was mostly slow raking and some sweeping but even though I was still somewhat in pain I just had to move around and felt better afterward.
Over all this week is off to a good start and hopefully in a few days I will start going back to the gym daily and get right back into my groove. I was on a roll with the pounds coming off and then post surgery I am WAY up in weight, its nothing that I am worried about between the eating not so great the couple days right after and not being able to drink as much as I would have liked to and the fact that I am sure I am retaining fluids because of the physical trauma to my body that the surgery caused, I am positive that it will right itself once I recover fully and get back to my routine.
That's all I have for you today, Thank you all for following along with my trials, successes and bumps while I get myself into top physical shape, Here's to better health and don't forget that H2O because as you all know I do believe it a very critical part of losing weight and staying healthy.
That is all..
You may now return to your work, play or coffee.
Monday, November 09, 2009
It's Monday so I figured it was time to try and write a post that was not written while drug induced, Let me start by saying that I have pretty much eaten what I wanted to eat since my surgery since I felt like crap and did not really feel up to being strict. I will do a play by play for those interested and for those not interested you can skim the post, After surgery I woke up groggy (obviously) and I was in the Hospital first thing in the am and out early afternoon. My doctor said to me "You will want to go out and eat a big dinner the night after your surgery" and though I would have to disagree with that statement I did eat before I left the Hospital, 2 very small blueberry muffins and 2 cups of apple juice which really seemed to help with the upset feeling that I had in my stomach. Me not wanting to mess with what works ended up eating blueberry muffins and apple juice for the next two days, that's not to say that I didn't eat a proper dinner the next day but the muffins seemed to settle the queezy feeling and the apple juice was preemptive planning for the constipation that I was warned would come with the pain meds that I was given.
By the time Friday came around I was starting to feel a bit better but still sore and starting to go a little crazy from being in the house and not being able to do too much in the way of..well anything without some pain for my efforts. Flash backs of late 2007 were coming into my head where being chained to a couch was the order of the day but for different reasons and I started thinking about how I was doing it back then for so long because a mere 3 days had me bouncing off of the walls, figuratively of course as I just told you I was chained to a couch..again figuratively but you get my point, I hope...of course you do. I was taking walks through my house and out into the driveway as well as around my house just to get moving because it did make things feel better to move a bit by Saturday but I was still very limited with what I could do. Sunday came and I had enough and joined Wify outside for some raking around the yard and I felt amazingly relaxed after we were done, I think just getting outside made a huge difference and I felt pretty good for the rest of the night.
This morning I woke up feeling decent enough that I didn't even take an Aleve for pain, thats not to say that I have none its just a pain level thats more of an uncomfort than anything else. I have also decided that today I will start counting my calories again and my ability to drink lots of fluid came back yesterday so I am going to resume that as well. I do have to admit that I really want to go to the gym because I miss the workouts but to go all the way there just to walk on a treadmill seems silly when I can just walk outside my house so I will hold off on the gym for a few more days at least.
I just haven't been feeling up to writing a post is why its been a while but I suppose its to be expected when finding a comfortable position is a challenge but I will try and get to posting regularly again starting with this post.
Thanks for reading along and thanks for the support, I lived through the surgery and and am getting back to normal again.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Halloween got me, and what I mean is that I ate my share of candy, cookies and I was just not watching what I ate this weekend and all of what I am saying happened Sunday and Monday so Halloween was gone and done with! but the chocolaty morsels were within range and I figured that I had been without a "treat" for long enough and I indulged in more than a few pieces of candy, I have not been a good boy. I believe, let me rephrase, I know that stress was getting the better of me because of the surgery this week and the fact that all day Saturday it felt as if a Klingon shivved me with his D'k Tahg and then hung off of it for more than six hours, so to say that my Halloween day/evening was spent in pain is stating it lightly and after holding off for an extra week I missed out on trick or treating anyways.
When I was setting up an appointment date for my gallbladder surgery with the surgeon I decided to do it after Halloween so that I could as the nurse put it "Be on Trick or treating duty" as the original date was going to be Oct 28th but I wanted to be able to go out with the kiddos and not having a way to know if after the surgery I would be able to go it was scheduled for this week instead. Around 3pm Saturday I felt a gallbladder attack starting but I was out so I had to deal with it the best I could, it lasted maybe 40 minutes and then faded away enough for me to grab a couple things at the grocery store before heading home and half way home is when the pain really kicked in and I literally spent the next four hours nauseous, vomiting and feeling like I was the victim of a knife attack laying in an alley puking. 9:45 pm after a hot shower and almost seven hours of discomfort ranging from a bad stomach ache level of pain up to how I would imagine Hari Kari feels the pain was gone and I went straight to bed as you could imagine I was very much ready for a rest at that point.
Sunday morning I woke up feeling like I had not eaten in days, I guess the fact that all I had eaten the day before was a bowl of cereal and a chicken wrap at lunch time could explain that not to mention all of the vomiting and lack of fluids. I started off slow with a small piece of baked sweet potato from the night before and it didn't start world war 3 in my gut so I ate a little more and when it was all clear I literally ate all day. No worries I thought, I had not eaten all day Saturday and I needed it so it was a pass, but then Monday I didn't count my calories at all and then skipped the gym (which was the plan because of the surgery, I was not going to go to the gym Monday or Tuesday) but there was no reason for the munching besides the fact that I wanted it, it is what it is and I can't take it back so I can't worry about it.
This morning I woke up feeling good ie: normal again and am on the counting calories again as well as put the candy off limits, I am torn on the gym because I did not want to go the 2 days before the big day but as I sit here writing this I want to go today, so I just might. After tomorrow I will no longer need to worry about random Klingon attacks and I will have about a week or two of recovery (at least that's what the doc said) before I will be able to get back to my normal exercise routine so I am not looking forward to that, He also said that a lot of people are able to get right back to regular things in only a few days so lets hope. I know that I won't be able to do my regular bike plus Arc trainer plus weights routine right away but the fact sheet that I got from the surgeon says that walking is one of the best ways to get moving and recover quickly after this so I may end up at the gym just to walk for an hour per day until I feel up to doing more, all to be found out I suppose but having a plan going in should help me focus when the time comes.
It appears that my Gallbladder was not going out without a fight and gave me the worse attack since this whole thing started as a going away present. I will not have time in the am to write a post for tomorrow but perhaps I will feel like writing when I get home from the prom but perhaps not, either way wish me luck because after tomorrow I will be less one organ and that random getting shanked feeling will not belong to me any more. Not really a weight loss related post but then that happens from time to time, Thanks for following along and all that.
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