Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Feeling like a sledge hammer in a room full of glass is the current mood in my gray matter, the suggestion would be to step to the side and let whatever is happening happen as you are powerless to stop it. There are times when something else takes over and this is how it was back in January 2008, something had to be done else there could have been a couple of holes in my future, the one in the side of the house who was close friends with the one in the ground. Unexplainable drive thrown into what I am staring at in front of me the feeling of nothing can stop me is thick in the air and it shall be so, I need to get to that line in the sand drawn so long ago. Perhaps the image of me heavier than I was a few months ago pasted next to each other on my screen showed me something that I never want to see again, a heavier version of myself which means that I am not getting down the way I know how to.
The image of me at 305 pounds and the new heavier image is only a 25 pounds difference "Did he just only 25 pounds??" what the $hit man! twenty five pounds represents six months of lackadaisical discipline on my part and I say "only"? because of the enormous amount of weight that has come off already perhaps but I know that 25 pounds is not a small number. That number represents more than just six months of meh behavior, it now represents at least a month of hard work likely more, just to get back what I had already clenched in my fist. I opened this post by saying that I feel like a sledge hammer in a room full of glass and I do, it will not be long before I am pushing my way through that 300 pound mark and I say this because my head feels like it did in the beginning and I don't mean pudgy, I mean focused.
I was once a guy that thought he would die not so beautiful at a young age leaving a family behind with memories of me weighing the same as farm animals and motorcycles, The idea of of that saddens me but more so I get pissed off because I allowed it to get that far. Ain't no fuvkin' way it will ever be me again, I busted my ass for far too long to be content with "almost" this time around and if you feel like you want to be an almost kind of person that's fine by me but my fate will be decided by me and me alone. I will never say that losing weight and getting healthy is easy, especially when the starting point is north of 500 pounds, it is a daily struggle and working hard has to replace all of the things that put the weight on. Letting up cannot be an option which is a lesson learned for me at this point, I have proven that I can eat almost how I want to, have a beer or three on a Friday night while maintaining a fluctuation weight that goes up and down within a 10-15 pound window but ultimately its not what I want.
December 31st will measure my willpower, it will be the needle on the scale that shows me that the hammer has in fact swung and that pile of glass on the floor will be glad to be out of my way. I started something and its time to finish it, my terms, my way, naysayers and disbelievers be dammed and if there is negativity within you, keep it there because like the witness on my front stoop the door will be closed in your face, you cannot and will not make me conform to your ways.
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Monday, December 06, 2010
Who knew? I mean who wouldda thunk that the 534 pound guy could with a little bit of hard work get into a healthy way of living? I know that I didn't when I began. It takes some time to slip into the fact that I am not that 500 pound fella any more, but at the same time I can remember the struggle as clear as I can remember the bowl of home made turkey soup that I had for dinner last night. Recently I talked about how comfortable I had become because I am not really limited in what I do these days and that's all fine and dandy but I did something last night and it upset me to the point where I believe that big numbers will be coming off of the scale for a while.
This should last a couple days!
When I started losing weight I was taking pictures of myself twice per month, no shirt, just skivvies three angles and I photo shop them next to one another each month so that I could see my progress, I will save you from the images by not posting them but I have images starting from Jan 2008. I have not taken a picture since May of this year and for whatever reason last night I thought about it and asked wify to snap a few so that I could see just how far I have back slid since May. I weighed 305 pounds on May 21st and there is a definite difference in that image from May and the one that I took last night and it pissed me off that I was smaller than I am now and with no good reason for the change. I mentioned more than a few times how comfortable I am in my body right now and that photo changed that for me, I think its amazing how we can feel one way and look another because if I didn't have the side by side to compare its easy to convince myself that I am ok where I am at because of how comfortable I am.
I have worked way too hard to get where I am, I have come from a guy that couldn't walk up a flight of stairs comfortably to a guy that looks for something to do because sitting still doesn't feel right. I looked at the photo last night next to the one from May and instantly realized that I have become complacent with my weight loss and half way isn't going to be good enough for me this time around. I have talked about being mister 97% and its kind of a joke between Wify and me but I can't let it happen with my health goals, there is too much that I want to do and reaching my goals with my weight and health are at the top of the list of things that I must do.
All of that being said I had a flawless weekend where my health goes, I ate perfectly and got some movement into my days, drinking has never been an issue for me and that continues to be the matter. Today I will bust arse at the gym, I will eat my allotted calories and I will weigh less tomorrow for my efforts, this is how I will live, it is how I will achieve my goals and my focus must remain on one thing. I set a goal to be as close to 275 pounds as possible by April 1st and there is a very personal reason that date was chosen, I have to stay on task in order to make that goal even though I think that getting at or below 275 by then will be near impossible I still have to try. I would need to drop an average of 3.4Lbs per week until April first to hit 275 and like I said I don't think its impossible though it may be improbable, My life will be all about weight loss once again for a while and I will be using the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" philosophy and go back to basics and what works for me.
Whole foods, lots of fruits and veggies, stay hydrated and get my cardio into every day, this is how I roll, won't you join me?
Friday, December 03, 2010
Taking this new old way back in and this week has gone pretty much without a hitch, I am back in a groove with pre-planning my day worth of calories out on my excel sheet and my calories have been pretty much all whole foods and under budget. In the beginning I looked at this as my job, if I preformed well I got raises, or in my case the opposite of raises and my weight went down, I did it by the book and by that I mean the plan that I created for myself was followed to the letter and I was very successful with the losses each week. Write down every measured bite that went into my mouth and do not veer from that path was how I rolled, exercise every day no matter how I felt was the way of the warrior as it was which has never been an issue for me because I love the feeling after I workout and keeping my tank topped off with green tea and H2O was of the utmost importance, this is how things will be for me from now on again.
The view from my treadmill, no one on the arc-trainers!
Today happens to be Friday and it also happens the beginning of the month so I am going to record my weight at the beginning of each month for a bit because this whole weighing in each Friday thing is meh for me right now. So the first notch in the "what I weigh" belt will come in at 333.8Lbs this morning which is a good amount lower than I was on Monday but it was a not so great eating weekend last week. I have been making myself dinner with the family but adjusting some items so that I can get high calorie bang for the buck like last night everyone else had corn as a side but I chose to have green beans because of the caloric cost being so much lower on the beans which allowed me to have a little more. None of this is new to me but I had slid into just having what everyone else was having no matter what it was for ease of preparation, I am back to being mister measure again with everything and now I will need to focus on staying on this track again like I was in the beginning.
Thinking about the importance of this trek to the other side of 300 pounds I am realizing that no matter how comfortable I am right now and no matter how good I feel that there is more to this trip. I took my life back in the past couple years and now its tome to push myself into uncharted territory by making it below that 300 pound barrier that is seemingly out of reach so says the years of being on this side of it. When it comes down to it I am the only one holding me back at this point, Me and my comfort of not being unable to walk a quarter mile without being in excruciating pain and so out of breath that fear enters the gray matter. I will step aside and allow myself to advance over the bridge without paying a gold piece because there has been enough aggravated assault on my body by its owner over the years for one guy to take.
Friday December 31st I will weigh myself for the blog again, hopefully I am a good amount lighter by then, I am putting in the disciplined time once again and have a feeling that I will push through this go around. There you have it, another episode of as the fat guy turns has come to an end, keep on keepin on and all that fun stuff, that's all I got for ya today.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
So here I sit, feeling good about some changes that I recently made to the program and I have a 60 pound monkey hanging off of my back whom I intend on shaking off optimally in the next four months. I have written this blog from the point of view that a 500 plus pound guy would have and that was fitting because it is where I came from but since I have maintained my current weight for more than a year its time to start looking at things from the vantage point of a relatively healthy 300 pound guy that works out regularly. I struggle with the same things on different levels now than when I weighed so much more and with that comes the capability to do more physically and not worry as much about getting hurt because of the weight making me unstable, my exercise is not where I have issues.
Yesterday at the gym looking big just before getting on the treadmill.
These days I struggle with the comfort of being able to do what I want to when I want to and making not so great choices with my intake has come into play because of that. I am not gaining weight so keep all of the "see you're going to gain it all back fat man" in your pocket, I have maintained a weight that fluctuates up and down within about a 10 pound range for quite some time now and it needs to stop. Being comfortable has stopped my progress where losing weight is concerned and I say that part about the weight because I am stronger than I was 6 months ago I am just not lighter, Its a mental thing but then that's what losing weight is all about so its no big surprise.
Because I don't feel like I am in immediate danger of having a grenade go off in my chest at any given moment I have relaxed with my discipline when food is the thing that we're talking about, Partially because of the comfort but that's not the only thing. At the very core of this and as much as I hate to admit it food is an addiction for me if not in the same way a crack addict craves the high it is an issue because as soon as things get stressful I find myself chewing on something. I noticed a pattern within myself where when a situation that is in my life flares, yeah lets say flares because that's a nice way of saying it that still keeps it vague I will have two or three days of not giving a damn about my eating, I still go to the gym, I don't drink less but the calorie counting is out the window. I have at times convinced myself that its ok though because I have after all lost 200 pounds and am not really hindered by my weight any more but I need to get past this 300 pound mark, it is the hardest goal that I have ever faced in my life.
Hardest goal? what the hell are you talking about man? You weighed 534 pounds! this should be cake! Ok saying cake was mean but let me splain something that I have discovered about me and this whole trip to the half thing. I weighed more than 500 pounds for perhaps 8 years of my life, it was foreign to me, struggling to walk, panting just from going up a flight of stairs and thinking about how close I was to being in a hole with a piece of granite scribed with some kind words about the fat man on it was a daily worry. Now if we're going to count how many years I have been right around that 300 pound mark it would be the rest of my adult life right on down to about age 13 or so and honestly this weight feels like where I am suppose to be so its hard for me to see myself weighing less than that. Stupid! I know but hey it is what it is but as long as I see it and understand that its there I think that I can get past it so that's the plan, no matter how comfortable I am right now with the way that I feel I am not happy with what I see in the mirror not to mention the not doing what I set out to do yet.
The time for being comfortable is over because at the very core of all of this I am not comfortable, I need to get down to my goal and I need to do it sooner than later, I know this and anything less than my 100% is just excuses and slacking. When I began this whole weight loss thang I told Wify that as a reward for getting to my goal weight of 275 pounds that I wanted to buy myself a new bike to which she agreed and if I can get my $hit together and drop this last 60 pounds I will be below that goal and a new old motorcycle shall be parked in my driveway this summer. I will not do this so that I can buy a bike though, I will do it because I honestly feel that getting down below 300 pounds for good will be something very significant in my life and as much weight as I have lost thus far getting below 300 pounds will be bigger than anything I have done to date for my health.
Lose 100 pounds? done! Lose 200 pounds? done! Live comfortably? done! Tattoo for losing 200 pounds? done! Motorcycle for hitting goal weight? Coming to a theater near you Summer 2011, Weigh less than I did at age 13? Same theater same summer.
That's all I got.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
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Today I am going to introduce somebody to you, he will write a sort of guest post and give his point of views, I have only let one other person "guest post" on my blog since I started it back in 2008 and that was my wife. When I started writing in this blog I didn't know how or what it would turn into if anything at all and honestly I believed that I would make it about a week before I stopped logging in to write down my thoughts on weight loss and how things were going but as you know that wasn't the case. I was a 500 plus pound man who had no clue of how many days he had left on the planet because of a whole lot of extra weight and fear was in fact a driving force in how I was able to strictly stick to the plan that I had set in front of myself and I am down more than 200 pounds since Day 1 zeusmeatball.blogspot.com/2008/01/da
y-1.html . I wanted to let this person post because of the things that he is finding difficult with his weight loss, there is no fear to drive him its plainly just a lighter weight, he is significantly lighter than I was when I began but a weight loss struggle is at the core the same fight no matter who it is or what they weigh. Here goes nothing, a guest post from someone that I have been friends with for some time now, he struggles as I struggled in the beginning, its usually the case when we press into uncharted waters.
Let me start off by saying thanks to Zeusmeatball for the opportunity to post on his blog, I weigh more than 300 pounds and have for most of my life, there have been times when I was worse off than I am now physically but right now I do believe that I am in the best shape of my life even though the general physical shape of me is round. I do go to the gym almost daily, I lift weights and ride a mountain bike as often as I can but even with that all said I have been over 300 pounds for most of my life and am finding it very difficult to beat the weight down past that mark. I eat mostly whole foods these days but there are times that I feel like having a beer or stopping at a restaurant that I've never been to and sometimes that starts the spiral. I am completely comfortable with my weight even though I know that its too much and that fact gets in my way more often than not.
I have lived healthy for a while now and life gets in the way of my drive quite often and turning to food for comfort is too easy, though I am pretty healthy I don't feel the guy that I see in the mirror matches the fella in the gym. I have about 60 to 70 pounds that I would like to drop, probably more in the long run and am finding it hard to keep built momentum. I drink enough during any given day and I count calories (I learned that from Zeusmeatball) but because there is no death knocking on the door like Zeus had its all too easy for me to justify the extra comfort calories lately. I have goals sure, some of which are pretty important but still I struggle with staying perfectly on track with weighing and measuring every bite that goes into my mouth, I wonder how Zeus did it at times, then I read some of the older posts and the plan is simple.
I am beginning on a journey to get these 60 to 70 pounds off and its very much like the battle Zeusmeatball has fought over the past couple of years but some of the driving forces are a little different. I am not a 500 pound man that struggles to walk more than 50 feet but someone who can go to the gym and work for an hour on cardio machines without too much of a problem, I am not a man that would buckle the rims on a bicycle but someone that can and does ride 20 miles on a mountain bike as often as possible but the food I struggle with. Shifting my concentration to meticulously counting calories, eating only whole foods and making sure that I am getting enough vegetation throughout every day is what I need to do because I have the other stuff down pretty solid. I will take from all of the posts in this blog any information that I can get and use it to my advantage because looking back, if a 500 plus pound man can count every bite that goes in, walk slowly and in pain every day of every week without pause then me at just over 330 pounds can surely follow suit.
Zeusmeatball has written a lot of blog posts over the years, He has saved his life with the changes that he has made in his life and I know that he will be around a lot longer than if those changes weren't made. I look up to him and know first hand how hard the struggle was and is for him, he is the strongest man that I know and I owe a lot to him and because of that I have to show him that I can in fact follow his lead and drop the weight that I need to. Looking down the barrel of having to lose almost 300 pounds and the view of having to lose 70 or maybe even 100 pounds is somewhat different while the cards that must be played are very much alike. Today starts something new for me because I am going to start blogging not as a 500 pound man facing death but as a 300 plus pound guy facing the same kind of struggle from the vantage point of a much healthier version of my former self.
The guest post is written and a new struggle has begun, You can read Anthony's blog Here zeusmeatball.blogspot.com/ , I hope that you can follow along because I have a feeling that it will be a lot like my blog. Pushing through stresses that I have no control over will have to be extremely important in my life because no matter what else is in that life I have to be priority one else I could find myself back in a world of hurt with my health. I can promise myself and the ones that I love this will never happen and to prove it I will become a machine once again with my health regimen because if I can do it at 500 pounds and in constant pain then I can do it when I am physically capable of stopping the world from turning.
The struggles are cut of the same cloth but the mental is much different once you have pushed your way out of the corner.
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