Thursday, August 30, 2007
Today at about 8:20 pm I felt very tired and a little hungry. In under an hour, I managed to eat 2 burgers from Rally's (or Checkers) whatever you call it.
Calories for the Day? Shot.
I realized that I'm actually really mad about not being able to find a job immediately. However distasteful for a 350 pound woman to make food allusions--I think the cheese has moved.
With my itty bitty Bachelor's I was supposed to take over the world, but the only thing I'm taking over is extra space on chair cushions, car seats, and movie theater arm rests.
I can either fling myself against this unmoving wall or I can change. But I don't wanna change. (No, I am not screaming and kicking mid-tantrum on the floor. I'd like to do that, but then I'd have to peel myself from the carpet and risk a 350 pound challenge.)
It's strange because I'd like to continue doing what I am doing and get a different result. That's just not how things work. (Personally, I think things are broken. That's why they don't work the way that I think they should.)
Until things do as I say, I better join what I can't beat. But I don't have to like it.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
I just realized that I've officially been here for a month. I lost a quick ten pounds and then gained back five. Right now, I'm struggling with a lot of things: unemployment, obesity, isolation, depression (which is exacerbated by my weight), determining a career path, differentiating from others, metrorrhagia. So much is going on.
"Times is hard."
I have been able to notice when I'm binging lately, and none have been as bad as the 5K I ran in July. I won't even let a smoked sausage in my house! But I've still binged, and that disturbs me.
I feel stuck now, like I won't be able to lose this weight. My mom is overweight. I see her each time I look in the mirror. My flesh feels like a trap, and by flesh I mean my body and my natural tendencies. I just feel stuck.
Can I ever get out of this 350 pound jail? If I don't aren't I the one who is responsible?
Monday, August 06, 2007
Just another binge entry. I caught myself in the middle of this, and thought about Gen 4: 7 "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." W hile preparing a sandwich, I realized I was totally out of control. I know that God has given me a sound mind, so when I see myself like this, I know I'm not leaning on God but on habit (and a poor one at that).
Then why eat? I ate because I was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I ate because I'm pissed off at my parents. I ate because I've been playing chicktionary and they keep giving me stupid 5 letter words like armlet. Who says armlet?
Now I'm in my bedroom. I refuse to open the door because I know that if I do, I'll head right back to my kitchen for the rest of the ice cream (which I bought because I thought I would behave!).
Foods in my binge:
turkey w/ cheese & mayo
spaghetti w/ cheese
My thoughts: It could have been worse. You know it has been. At least I stopped in the middle and not at the end--bent over with a reeling stomach and mind.
I need to go to bed on time tonight. That keeps me out of a lot of trouble.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
I'm an only child, in my early 20s. I grew up in a house with a mom who loves chips or salty/sweet snacks like snickers, paydays, and baby ruths. My dad eats whole cakes alone (& he's thin!). So, my 5K devouring spree is something that I learned to do from my not so emotionally articulate parents. Do I blame them for what I did earlier this week? No way, I'm an adult. This is my issue to overcome.
As everyone can see, today I weigh 349 pounds. Last August, I weighed 310. A year before, 295, and in 2004, 235 pounds. I've been heavy since I was 7 years old, and my weight slowly piled until 2001, then held constant through 2003. I've realized that during my two years of explosive weight gain: 2004 & 2006, I was under a lot of stress.
2004: 2 new roomies, longer drive distance, bad investments, new boyfriend, etc., last year of college (serious senioritis)
2006: first real job, very stressful workplace, first time living alone & really taking care of self
I told my dad about my latest binge and he asked if I always ate so much. Initially, his question upset me. What a ridiculous question to ask right? But then I realized, his question was very pointed and accurate. For years, but especially '04 & '06 I binged every night on fast food, junk food, and rich restaurant fare.
Why am I so afraid to feel? Why won't I just let my emotions out?
I know some ways to prevent stress from building so much. Maybe if I do those and change my thinking along the way, these binges will be a thing of the past.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Last night I had to submit the last copy, photos, information, tables, etc., for a website that I'm helping to prepare. I stayed up until 4 am. To put everything together, I worked for 8 hours straight.
Besides the website, I also had a job interview today and I REALLY need a job. It's been four months.
At first I listened to some music to ease my stress: Alicia Keys, Musiq Soulchild, Lupe Fiasco: the good stuff. I even tried a little bit of the bad stuff, but Young Joc only has so many options on Hype Machine.
It was getting late, and I wanted to know if my boyfriend wanted to listen to anything, so I cut off my music. Unwittingly, I had put myself at the opening line for my last 5k race.
Without music, I started to want to nibble my anxiety away. I chose carrots first because those are healthy. Then, I decided to eat some cereal, soy milk, and a banana (all somewhat excusable). From there, I became a slave to the rhythm and the calories flew past. 10 chicken strips, 9 links of sausage, 8 scrambled eggs, 7 chunks of cheese, 6 oatmeal cookies, and that's last night's 5 K!
Yes, I ate 5,135 calories: 5K. Of those, 2,620 were from fat. That's more than my recommended daily caloric intake!
Two things happened after I "turned into a werewolf", as boo calls it. I calmed down. The anxiety went away, but then it brought its ugly cousin Depression. There were tears, snot rags, wet sleeves, and heart burn from dimensions only visited in sci-fi movies.
This morning, after a delicious 2 hour teaser from the luscious octagon pie called sleep, I looked at the pan that I'd used to cook the sausage. Eww. If last night didn't make me feel nauseated, the pale milky goo in that pan did.
I've decided last night will be my last 5k. I can't afford to live in that fast lane anymore; I might not survive.
So what's a girl to do?
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