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In 2 Deep

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Today at about 8:20 pm I felt very tired and a little hungry. In under an hour, I managed to eat 2 burgers from Rally's (or Checkers) whatever you call it.

Calories for the Day? Shot.

I realized that I'm actually really mad about not being able to find a job immediately. However distasteful for a 350 pound woman to make food allusions--I think the cheese has moved.

With my itty bitty Bachelor's I was supposed to take over the world, but the only thing I'm taking over is extra space on chair cushions, car seats, and movie theater arm rests.

I can either fling myself against this unmoving wall or I can change. But I don't wanna change. (No, I am not screaming and kicking mid-tantrum on the floor. I'd like to do that, but then I'd have to peel myself from the carpet and risk a 350 pound challenge.)

It's strange because I'd like to continue doing what I am doing and get a different result. That's just not how things work. (Personally, I think things are broken. That's why they don't work the way that I think they should.)

Until things do as I say, I better join what I can't beat. But I don't have to like it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESULLY 9/5/2007 10:19AM

    Three steps forward two steps back. You're actually taking those little steps and they all count towards that goal. I hate the skinny little women at work who always tells me that I'll never lose weight if I go on a diet..."it has to be a lifestyle change"....I can hear her whiny voice now in my head. It's people like her that make me want to go and eat a hamburger. But you have to forget those other people. This is for you and next time you give in to the hamburgers it might be one or you might be able to do something else instead and not have any. Eventually those feelings of wow...I didn't eat that burger...that sense of achievement gives you such pride that you do it again the next day. Good luck and today is just one of those little steps backwards. And it was only tiny because you got through most of the day. Tomorrow see if you can get one step going forward again. Good luck.

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MAGIC10FINGERS 9/5/2007 9:53AM

    Oh, it stinks, the job issues, the weight issues, the emotional issues. That's how I got to be over weight. "Baby steps", I hate that phrase, but only b/c it's true!!! We want what we want, NOW, & we want what we want, EASILY! Those 2 things seldom ever happen @ the same time. This is cry out, that U need support in the worst way! Don't let these things rule U! Life is too short & too precious. Please, stick with this, it works!!! U have recognized the problems, now it's time to act. When U start making little changes in 1 area, it helps in another. Soon, it will all click, maybe not this wk, maybe not next, but @ least U have the satisfaction that U are trying. It takes trial & error. PLEASE, let us know on a regular basis how U are doing. WE DO CARE!

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ROSIELOVE 9/3/2007 11:38PM

  Small changes is what will get you to your goals, my friend. You are working through your issues and that is wonderful. Your child is screaming and yelling and throwing a "big time" tantrum while the adult in you is trying to take back control. One has a big brain and one has a little brain, the question is always which brain will be let take charge of our lives? We are all struggling with this child in us and it's time for you to put your child in it's place. I'm with you all the way!

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GOINGTHERE 8/31/2007 1:19PM

    Great post...working through some emotional stuff to realize and examine WHY you ate what you did (job?). So you ARE in fact doing something a little start expecting some different results girlfriend! Yes, you are kicking and screaming...we all are. You are just a little louder with it right now. Hee, hee!
Although you have a B.A., it is a challenge for jobs right now.
You could make a "treasure map" of what your dream job would be? Cut out pictures and words from old magazines and paste it on poster board of your right and perfect job. Post it by the when that "right and perfect" job calls...or the one you'll take to make your next in plain sight.
Let the "universe" know what you EXPECT and are thankful for, not merely what you wish for.
Working through your problems/challenges with a blog is an excellent tool. Good job. Also helps others, like me to exam my own intentions. Take care. Donna

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BETHLONG 8/30/2007 11:01PM

    Hey Lady...get back up off that couch and join in on the challenge in the 25 and under group...everyone is super supportive and it might be a good jump start for you. I'm going through some rough patches right now too, if we both keep our chins up, we can get through this. Screw today, focus on what you can do to make it a good tomorrow!!

If you need anything, let me know...Beth

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Behind these Bars

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I just realized that I've officially been here for a month. I lost a quick ten pounds and then gained back five. Right now, I'm struggling with a lot of things: unemployment, obesity, isolation, depression (which is exacerbated by my weight), determining a career path, differentiating from others, metrorrhagia. So much is going on.

"Times is hard."

I have been able to notice when I'm binging lately, and none have been as bad as the 5K I ran in July. I won't even let a smoked sausage in my house! But I've still binged, and that disturbs me.

I feel stuck now, like I won't be able to lose this weight. My mom is overweight. I see her each time I look in the mirror. My flesh feels like a trap, and by flesh I mean my body and my natural tendencies. I just feel stuck.

Can I ever get out of this 350 pound jail? If I don't aren't I the one who is responsible?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOTUSFLOWER 9/5/2007 10:42PM

    I can relate to your post, I am powerless over food. I pray that you find solace and please know that you are not in this alone.


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ROSIELOVE 9/3/2007 10:42PM

  When it feels you can't go on, this is when change will happen, my friend. You are slowly making changes and you are slowly evaluating your priorities... and for this process you should feel proud. You are doing something positive for yourself and you have a whole life ahead of you so please just be gentle and take things one day at a time. Your evaluating will lead you to succeed. I'm here for you, my friend!


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AMBERROGUE 8/29/2007 9:52AM

    You've maintained a five-pound weight loss: Congrats! This is a difficult journey we are on, with many trials and tribulations that will distract us upon the road. Just remember that you're travelling with many other people in this wagon, and as someone told me last week when I came back from my trek off the road, "stay towards the middle of the wagon. it's harder to fall off there." I had a HUGE binge just two weeks ago and gained back some of my weight. But getting back on track and exercising WILL help you. It helps me when I'm depressed. Sometimes I look at the weight tapes or the treadmill and think, God, I can't do this! But then I force myself to get on with the exercise, and by the end of it, even if I don't feel physically better, I feel like I accomplished something, and that is what I call a mini-miracle. Celebrate everything, hon. It's easier to celebrate the small things than let the big ones weigh you down. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am sorry to hear about your troubles: know that I am praying for you and sending good energy your way. ~~~~~~~~~~~ Here's a thought: Grab a piece of paper and a pen or pencil. Write at the top: Worry Sheet. Then write down what it is that you're having troubles making a decision about. Write down the pros and the cons of the situation until you simply cannot think of any more. When you are done, fold the sheet up and put it out of sight. Let it worry about your problems while you get on with your life! (((HUGS)))) Good luck, and please feel free to contact me if you need a shoulder to lean on! PS sorry I wrote a book! LOL

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JESULLY 8/29/2007 8:31AM

    Celebrate the positives. Good luck

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DOCSGIRL 8/29/2007 7:46AM

    I have to agree with ENIKUO. You haven't given up! You are still pushing yourself even though you gained 5 pounds back. But think of this, you are still 5 pounds LIGHTER then when you started!!! Next month you may lose more then that. Add the months up even if you only lose 5 pounds a month in 5 months you will be 25 pounds lighter!!!!! You are doing great and 5 pounds gone a great accomplishment and guess what YOU are responsible for losing that 5 pounds so CONGRATS!!!!!

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KRYSYDAWN 8/29/2007 3:12AM

    You can do this. You are worth it! Dont sell yourself short. Times get hard and then they get harder. But thats how life is.. You will succeed!

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ENIKUO 8/29/2007 2:18AM

  It sounds like you have a lot going on and a lot to deal with...and yet, rather than throw in the towel, you're still here, struggling with everything. You sound like a fighter to me. You sound like a survivor.

Rather than indicting yourself for gaining a few pounds back, you should focus on the positive things you're doing to change your life. Ultimately, you are responsible for your own life and health, but being responsible is a position of strength, not weakness.

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Don't Feed the Gremlin After 12

Monday, August 06, 2007

Just another binge entry. I caught myself in the middle of this, and thought about Gen 4: 7 "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." W hile preparing a sandwich, I realized I was totally out of control. I know that God has given me a sound mind, so when I see myself like this, I know I'm not leaning on God but on habit (and a poor one at that).

Then why eat? I ate because I was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I ate because I'm pissed off at my parents. I ate because I've been playing chicktionary and they keep giving me stupid 5 letter words like armlet. Who says armlet?

Now I'm in my bedroom. I refuse to open the door because I know that if I do, I'll head right back to my kitchen for the rest of the ice cream (which I bought because I thought I would behave!).

Foods in my binge:
turkey w/ cheese & mayo
spaghetti w/ cheese
ice cream

My thoughts: It could have been worse. You know it has been. At least I stopped in the middle and not at the end--bent over with a reeling stomach and mind.

I need to go to bed on time tonight. That keeps me out of a lot of trouble.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GANDYWHITE 8/7/2007 9:38AM

    You are also an inspiration to many of us. You have such a long hard battle to fight. Know that there are many of us that will be lifting you in prayer...the demon at the door does not have to enter. We have the ultimate Warrior.

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AMBERROGUE 8/6/2007 2:04PM

    Good for you for stopping yourself! I know it's hard - I did it this weekend - but we CAN get through this. You're right on your way, too! You realized what was going on and you stopped yourself. CONGRATS on your WILLPOWER! You're on your way!

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LEONAMASHA 8/6/2007 1:10PM

    You came to the right place. We are here for you if you ever need to let go. I am so happy and proud of you, to know you, and to see you grow. You are a very special woman! I really love your quote from the Bible, it is so fitting. You know what they call that? That was your God speaking to you and letting you know that God was there. You're doing wonderfully, keep it up and you will be amazed at what you find. Take care and remember that it is not only us who love you and God but yourself.

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ROSIELOVE 8/6/2007 8:45AM

  We support you, my friend, and I'm sorry you're struggling right now. Our minds are amazing and when we have these food struggles it's our mind trying to push the child in us out there to take over what our adult mind knows is right. You DO have control and you CAN take back that control and make good eating habits. Try and think back to what motivated you to start this weight loss journey and then focus on those feelings in order to get your mind back on track. Once we go on a binge, it's easy to throw everything out the window that we worked so hard to achieve. Don't let that happen to you. Take back your control and start slowly to incorporate healthy eating choices back into your life. Don't focus on what you ate, focus on the healthy eating in front of you. Throw out whatever you have left of your binge food and pack yourself healthy snacks and lunch today. Plan ahead of time so you know what you have available to eat today. Baby steps will get you back on track. Learn from the past but don't dwell on the past, okay? You're in a good place here and we will walk right next to you but you have to make the healthy choices. We're here for you. Be well!

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SERENADION 8/6/2007 6:43AM

    You posted a link to this on the Dealing with Depression board. I just wanted to congratulate you on trying to fight the habit to eat. I have the SAME problem. I have to ask myself "Why do I have my face in the fridge? Am I hungry?" I often have to lock myself in my room too or leave the house.

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5000 Calorie Binge Brings Insight

Saturday, July 28, 2007

I'm an only child, in my early 20s. I grew up in a house with a mom who loves chips or salty/sweet snacks like snickers, paydays, and baby ruths. My dad eats whole cakes alone (& he's thin!). So, my 5K devouring spree is something that I learned to do from my not so emotionally articulate parents. Do I blame them for what I did earlier this week? No way, I'm an adult. This is my issue to overcome.

As everyone can see, today I weigh 349 pounds. Last August, I weighed 310. A year before, 295, and in 2004, 235 pounds. I've been heavy since I was 7 years old, and my weight slowly piled until 2001, then held constant through 2003. I've realized that during my two years of explosive weight gain: 2004 & 2006, I was under a lot of stress.

2004: 2 new roomies, longer drive distance, bad investments, new boyfriend, etc., last year of college (serious senioritis)

2006: first real job, very stressful workplace, first time living alone & really taking care of self

I told my dad about my latest binge and he asked if I always ate so much. Initially, his question upset me. What a ridiculous question to ask right? But then I realized, his question was very pointed and accurate. For years, but especially '04 & '06 I binged every night on fast food, junk food, and rich restaurant fare.

Why am I so afraid to feel? Why won't I just let my emotions out?

I know some ways to prevent stress from building so much. Maybe if I do those and change my thinking along the way, these binges will be a thing of the past.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KMARTJAM 8/8/2007 1:25PM

  I used to binge in college, and for me oddly enough I think it was out of loneliness. I had a lot of friends and used to go out all the time (almost every day) but for some reason I still felt alone on a college campus full of thousands of kids like myself! Now that I have my family (husband and 2 kids) I don't feel that same weird urge to binge that I used to have). I maybe overeat a few times a year, but it's more out of a biological need (when I've been too restrictive with my dieting) rather than a pyschological need to binge. For others, I think maybe could have an addictive personality. My dh is a sober alcoholic and has replaced his negative addictions (drugs & alcohol) with different addictions: billiards, triathlons, kayaking, running, etc. I think sometimes when you figure out why you are binging, then you need to figure out what you can replace that need with in a positive way if possible...Karen

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AMBERROGUE 8/3/2007 12:23PM

    You're taking the first step towards making the binges a thing of the past: You've admitted that you have the problem. I have it, too, and my first step was admitting it. ~~~So! What now? Well, you're right in that you need to deal with stress in a different manner. Journalling everyday could help get all of your emotions out, and it's safe because you're writing your thoughts and feelings down where you can hide them if you want. I have to say, though, that part of the healing process is to admit to someone else that you have a problem. And guess what? You just did!! Good job for journalling about your binge - we all have them, but not all of us are as honest about it. Keep up being honest with yourself! You're on the road to a healthier you!

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ROSIELOVE 7/30/2007 2:00AM

  Self awareness is the beginning to change. We change what we understand and want to change... and it certainly appears that you have been doing some deep soul searching. The fact that you came out and actually told your dad about your binge night tells me that you are ready to move forward and take charge of your life and your weight. I applaud you for your honesty and your ability to articulate where you are in this journey. Grab my hand and know that WE WILL do this together, my friend!

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LEONAMASHA 7/29/2007 11:23AM

    Welcome. I know exactly where you have been, reading your story is like reading a part of mine. I admire how articulate you are, I can just imagine how you will be once the food addiction is gone and you are even freer to express yourself. I wish you the best and hope that you stick around and watch as your life reaches new levels of happiness. It is possible, I have seen people here on SP who have lost and feel better. I am glad to see you have found a new community. May you find what you're looking for :)

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Midnight 5K Run

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Last night I had to submit the last copy, photos, information, tables, etc., for a website that I'm helping to prepare. I stayed up until 4 am. To put everything together, I worked for 8 hours straight.

Besides the website, I also had a job interview today and I REALLY need a job. It's been four months.

At first I listened to some music to ease my stress: Alicia Keys, Musiq Soulchild, Lupe Fiasco: the good stuff. I even tried a little bit of the bad stuff, but Young Joc only has so many options on Hype Machine.

It was getting late, and I wanted to know if my boyfriend wanted to listen to anything, so I cut off my music. Unwittingly, I had put myself at the opening line for my last 5k race.

Without music, I started to want to nibble my anxiety away. I chose carrots first because those are healthy. Then, I decided to eat some cereal, soy milk, and a banana (all somewhat excusable). From there, I became a slave to the rhythm and the calories flew past. 10 chicken strips, 9 links of sausage, 8 scrambled eggs, 7 chunks of cheese, 6 oatmeal cookies, and that's last night's 5 K!

Yes, I ate 5,135 calories: 5K. Of those, 2,620 were from fat. That's more than my recommended daily caloric intake!

Two things happened after I "turned into a werewolf", as boo calls it. I calmed down. The anxiety went away, but then it brought its ugly cousin Depression. There were tears, snot rags, wet sleeves, and heart burn from dimensions only visited in sci-fi movies.

This morning, after a delicious 2 hour teaser from the luscious octagon pie called sleep, I looked at the pan that I'd used to cook the sausage. Eww. If last night didn't make me feel nauseated, the pale milky goo in that pan did.

I've decided last night will be my last 5k. I can't afford to live in that fast lane anymore; I might not survive.

So what's a girl to do?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LEONAMASHA 7/29/2007 11:35AM

    Don't worry, it doesn't matter what you really ate all that matters is the realization that you will never go back. It's like you hit a bottom and are now trying to come out. I remember my last binge was a large pizza, order of bread sticks and chicken wings, then I went to another place for 3 slices of apple pie and another meal which had 1/2 chicken, and two sides of creamy spinach and mac & cheese. I remember this well because it was an eye opener after I sat down and wrote it all down on SP. At the same time there is hope because I have been binge-free for 36 days now. Yes, I have hard days but I remember that feeling of depression, anxiety, wanting to disappear, and never, never having anyone know, because I made sure the evidence disappeared to the garbage outside (never inside!). Once again, I am glad that you're here, and also a reminder: It is worth it! Masha.

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BOSSYBELLY 7/27/2007 7:42AM

    NOTE: I didn't really eat 10 sausages. I used a bit of poetic license, but the calorie count is right. I did track everything I ate in my nutrition tracker though.

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KITEFLYINGAL 7/27/2007 12:05AM

    I know how you did what you did.. I have been there too.. and I eat the same kinds of food too.. but that was yesterday.. and its over and in the garbage. I am out of work too for the first time in about 30 years.. I flounder each day not knowing what to do with myself.. I go to the frig and I look in and close it probably 30 times a day.. I come back here and go to spark and read a post and then I am ok for a little longer.

Maybe you could journal your anxiety as if you were talking to someone, write it just as if you were talking to someone who you really wanted to understand how you are feeling at that very moment. Go look at that food you are wanting to eat and walk back to the journal and write about how you are feeling at that very moment.. talk to the food in print... anything is worth a try and writing it down sure does work for me. Tonight I was able to walk away from some of my dinner and actually thow it in the garbage when I felt full.. I was eating at the computer and looking at someones blog.. I was thinking to myself "I'm really full... can i toss the rest? I couldn't believe it when I walked over and scooped it in the garbage.. I knew I had to leave the house immediately or I might go back to the stove...

Anyway I just wanted you to know that I am here.. I feel your pain and I am praying for you.. and if you need to talk I will be here..

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