Monday, May 09, 2011
Man did I have a great week last week! I started Boot Camp, got in all of my cardio and videos (even with my excruciatingly slow country internet service). I tracked my food better than I've done in months. I lost 3 pounds!!! WOO HOO!!
So, how did I celebrate? By eating everything in sight today: graham crackers at breakfast, Hershey kisses for my mid-morning snack, hunk-o-cheese with my salad at lunch, then cookies, cookies, cookies all afternoon long...
I have a headache now from all the sugar. Bah! I also had to drag myself through my workouts this afternoon which means I went at half speed. Ugh!
So, why do I keep doing this? Some would argue that I really don't want to lose this weight and the self-sabotage is a way to maintain my current size. A couple of years ago, I would have balked at that logic, but now am not so sure. Can any of my SparkPeeps shed some light on this dilemma?
Saturday, March 19, 2011
I just read a blog about being afraid to lose weight. The author was trying to assess why she had lingering doubts about whether she'll lose the weight and the "what now?" that comes with reaching the goal weight. So, while we're being honest, I can say (because I have been avoiding it for months now), that I am afraid to lose weight, too. I think that is why the scale is not at all moving for me. There is, for me, some comfort in being overweight. This sounds silly, but for the first time in my life, I can say what is on my mind and not shock anyone. I can be tough. It is like the weight is my armor, deflecting attacks from others and protecting me as I go out into the fray. I have not reconciled that I can be a strong, independent woman AND wear a size 6 or that being thin equals being a doormat (like I very much was back in the day).
Frustrating to me though, is that I really don't feel like myself when I spout off a dissenting opinion about something, or when I speak my mind at someone else's expense. I also physically feel terrible: my back and neck hurt, I always have a headache, and I can't sit on the floor without hurting my hips. I hate shopping and buying new clothes makes me want to cry. I had to buy a formal gown for a charity event that I was chairing earlier this month, and I had a panic attack in the dressing room because I just could not stand what I was seeing. You would think these would be enough motivation for diligently counting calories and obessively running up and down my street. I just don't understand why it isn't.
I am irritated with myself for not getting started. I am doubly irritated with myself for being more comfortable here than where I was. I guess I still need a swift kick in the rear to get me going, I just can't seem to identify where it is going to come from, because I sure seem to have a hard time generating it for myself...
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Are you familiar with Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University? He strongly advocates cutting up credit cards as a way to manage debt. Well, this week I cut up a couple of different cards: my "Finish Everything in the Bag Culb" card, and my "Eat Until I Want to Vomit Club" card! YEAH! I haven't lost any weight, but my clothes are roomier and those that are the next size smaller are not impossible to get into as they had been. Also, I am acutely aware of when I am hungry, eating to satisfy it, and recognizing my appetite and affinity for some foods over others. For example, I poured out a glass of wine last night because it was too sweet. Formerly, I would have fininshed it and asked for more, taste be damned! So, while the scale isn't moving, my awareness is heightening. I am confident that this is an important step towards managing my weight. Thanks, SparkPeople for cultivating this insight!
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
For some reason I am in a position of leadership in every organization that I am involved in, which means I have at least one additional meeting each month (3 in one case, 4 in another). It is stressing me out and wearing me down. At work, I have been trying hard not to miss anything, but have been anyway. So, today, I gave myself permission to have a short break and came home early, took a short nap, and have made it through the remainder of the day without taking anyone's head off or melting down into a puddle of frustrated tears. I still haven't gotten the hang of the de-stressing routine, but will make my best effort.
Friday, October 01, 2010
Almost. Does it count that the dress was jersey knit and that the sewn in bra wasn't quite in the right place? I didn't think so either. Yesterday I found myself trying on a formal for a charity ball that I am chairing in the spring and it is a size smaller than I have been running! I am really motivated to get down a couple more sizes, but need to watch days like yesterday (cupcakes followed by beer and fried food -- ugh! Did I tell you I was sick this morning?) Why did I overeat? Because it was there and because I have been feeling pressed for time and that is making me a little crazy. What would have been a better choice? Taking a deep breath and realizing that: 1. I am not responsible for everyone's problems, 2. I am only one person and can only do that much, and 3. If I take a deep breath and FULLY assess a situation before I start pounding down the chocolate, a more reasonable solution ALWAYS presents itself!
Have a super weekend. I am! I am breaking ground on a new Habitat house, planting new trees in my yard, and celebrating a wedding with dear friends!
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