Thursday, August 28, 2014
Someone once said to me that if they didnít actually know me, theyíd think I was crazy with everything that goes on in my life. I always had a suspicion that other folks had less crazy in their lives, but I swear mine comes in waves and then I get quiet periods and that MUST be how life works for everyone right?!
Last week my mom called in a panic and said my father had literally fallen over at dinner and was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. He legit broke his face in the fall, has stitches, and just got out of the hospital this week. It seems he had some sort of ďheart incidentĒ that caused him to lose oxygen and topple. They are still struggling to get his oxygen up so heís on a tank, but at home, which is good. Got us all a little shaken up I would say.
I canít even begin to describe my work situation save to say that it is crazy and Iíve just started nodding my head at everything because I canít process it all. The side effect of this is that Iím making myself go for a lot of walks to avoid negative reactions to things, so Iím actually getting a lot of steps in!
Monday evening my bf called me from the side of the road with smoke coming out of his car. He just hit 50,000 miles and his engine blew on his Civic Ė so much for Honda quality. Luckily he was not on the highway and he could pull over in a safe spot, but now it seems like weíre VERY unexpectedly car shopping. Iím a shopper but I do NOT like car shopping. Eugh!
All of this is going on before we leave for Colorado on Saturday. I should be much more excited for vacation but it still seems unreal to me right now that weíll be there in two days. I always tell people that Colorado is good for the soul. I always feel so much lighter after going there and I really hope that is the same experience for this trip.
But Iím really most excited about the best thing to happen to me in a very long time: Weíre getting a dog!!!!!!!!!
Meet Baby Beatrice, Bea the Boston Terrier:
BF and I picked the name while we were waiting for the tow truck on Monday lol, it means ďShe who brings happinessĒ which I hope will be true. I have wanted my own dog for years now and I keep pinching myself to see if this is real. She will be coming home in late September. I sincerely hope this means I get outside more, I learn, I grow, and we have many happy years together.
All that being said, I havenít paid too much attention to food or fitness recently (although my steps counts still manage to exceed my goal?!) and I know Iíll have to get back there at some point. Right now Iím going with the flow and trying to keep with it. I suppose Iíll put more thought into this after vacation, but come onÖ look at that puppy! Iím a little distracted! Iíll be backÖ
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Iíve been doing a lot of thinking Ė and you know that never goes well!
Iím wrestling with the idea of leaving Spark. Iíve been here about 3 years. How crazy is that?! And yet Iím not at my goal weight. I never really got close to my goal weight. What is the quote about the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?
Perhaps this is just me, but Iíve noticed a few changes in Spark and it just isnít holding, well, the ďsparkĒ that it used to for me.
A few thingsÖ
- Iíve made and lost a whole bunch of Sparkfriends. They just (poof) disappear. The first few times it happened, I had a bunch of irrational thoughts like ďWhat if they were in a car accident?Ē and such. Then I realized that people just give up. And that makes me sad.
- I used to find a lot of motivation here. I used to learn a lot. Maybe Iím not proactively working the message boards enough, but I feel like I havenít learned much in a while from Spark itself. My remaining sparkfriends have given me some great tips, but that is different.
- I worry that this has become too much of a habit. It is one of the first things I do every day when I log on to my computer, but after 3 years, maybe that isnít a good thing? I donít really feel the sting of not tracking workouts anymore and such.
- I love some of my sparkfriends, you guys know you who are, but overall the vibes here have changed. Nobody helps to pick you up when youíre down, write you encouraging words if you need it. This isnít as much of a supportive community as it was when I first started. Find a blog where someone says they are struggling and it may have zero comments. Find one where someone has lost 100 lbs and eats perfectly and works out every day? 200 comments. I could be generalizing here, but it is something I have noticed. Iím not saying we shouldnít celebrate the people who have done well, but letís lift up those that havenít as well. I definitely have stopped blogging as much because of it.
- It just has to be said Ė the ads on this site are insane. I know they have to pay to keep it free somehow, but my goodness have they gotten crazy. There are ways to have ads on your site without making it so cumbersome or awful.
I feel like Iím at the starting line of another period of change in my life. My job is going through changes, my bf and I are going through changes (getting a house and a dog? Hello!), and Iíd love for my dedication to wellness to be part of those changes as well. I just donít know about Spark anymore.
Iíve been struggling a bit, personally. Feel like Iím dipping a toe back into the depression pool again but Iím trying to fight it. My eating has been kind of whatever and I have had less drive to do anything besides walk. I know I need to make sure Iím not drinking a glass of wine to relax every single night. Maybe this is just a phase? Or just the catalyst before that period of change I feel coming down the line? Deep thoughts manÖ
On the happiness front, my bf and I decided to hold off on the puppy until after our vacation to Colorado in two weeks. Doesnít make sense to bring an infant into the house and leave it. Iím super excited but I know this makes the most logical approach to the situation! We have to come up with possible names anyways! I think the vacation just became real to me this morning as well. Starting to get super excited to head out West again. Always feels good for the soul!
Anyways, Iím not planning on ditching Spark today but Iíve definitely got a lot on my mind. I know I owe it to myself to get healthy and Iíve gotta consider my options. Would appreciate any advice you may have : )
Hope you are having a great week so far!
Friday, August 08, 2014
I think my mental crisis has somewhat abated as the week has gone on. I had a little funk and I had to work through it.
A few highlights of this week:
- Exceeded my step goal every day
- I have convinced co-workers to take our meetings outside for a ďwalking meetingĒ Ė twice this week!
- I had two people tell me I looked skinner/asked if I lost weight
- I made two new healthy pinterest recipes this week, one of which was pretty good and the second was AMAZING. My first try at kebobs on the grill was a home run! I still had a moment where I was in awe of the fact that I was eating whole mushrooms. Who am I?!
- Packed or cooked 95% of my meals. My intern and I went to a very fancy lunch yesterday for restaurant week. I only ate half of a roll and we split dessert and didnít finish it. I got lobster tacos and they were TINY Ė like 3 were the size of 1 taco bell taco. It was the only non-fried option and trust me I really wanted some of that fried stuff but said no. So I guess that worked out? My BF and I also celebrated National IPA Day yesterday with 2 beers so a little slip there as well?
- I only went to PT once this week. My doc is on vacation and I do not like the backup doc. He hurt me on Tuesday so I spent my PT time walking on Wednesday instead.
- I went to the grocery store last night and STOCKED UP. Wegmans sells these portioned marinated chicken breasts. I bought five packs to freeze for easy grillable dinners, with steam bag veggies and brown rice. Weíll have five easy go-to nights. Work has been really stressful lately and one of my excuses in my brain for not cooking is that Iím too tired/stressed, but having these types of dinners on hand will be a BIG help in sticking with it.
- I got a few things taken care of around the house. Finally framed our art for the living room! Everything is really starting to come together. Weíre seriously talking about getting a dog now. If anyone knows where/how I can adopt or buy a Boston Terrier, please let me know! Google hasnít been very helpful for our area. I know a doggie will help me get those steps in too!
This week got off to a rocky start, but in hindsight I think I did pretty well! Tried to keep myself up and going forward and I think it worked?
I have family visiting this weekend and next week. Gotta try to behave (family makes me want beer! Haha). The weather has been SO BEAUTIFUL so it hasnít been too hard to get my steps in because I havenít wanted to sit inside. I need to keep that momentum going. Iím also starting to put some ďpersonal plansĒ together Ė for example, I keep saying I want to start meditating, I need to DO IT. I am thinking about taking some career initiatives. Things like that. If I donít work on myself and make my life better, nobody will do it for me. Thatís my new mantra!
Anyways, hope you all have had a great week and have an even better weekend!
Tuesday, August 05, 2014
Iím having one of those days where my brain keeps turning on itself for no good reason. I think I feel a sense of change coming again, not sure why or how or whatÖ maybe Iím just growing up a little more?
Iím thinking this all traces back to Sunday. My mom brought over this HUGE pile of pictures from when I was growing up. I spent a while going through them, organizing them, putting them in storage boxes.
I can look at them now and recognize a few things, not all of which I want to talk about here. But one of which is definitely Sparkpeople related- my weight.
I can put a timeline together of photos and chart my weight with it. I have never, ever been a ďnaturally skinnyĒ person. Even as a child, Iím bigger than the other kids. My parents let me pick clothes that definitely didnít do me any favors. Then I see pictures of the Junior/Senior year of high school where I pretty much wasnít eating and I was ďthinnerĒ but by no means the thinnest of my group, and I realized how much I struggled to even get that small. You can see it on my face in some pictures, I look strained.
Even scarier, I see my mom and even my grandmothers in these pictures and I see what I could easily become. My mom has ALWAYS struggled with her weight. You can see it back to the days when I was an infant in the pictures.
When we were at the beach, I saw a whole family out for a jog one morning. I noted to my bf that my family has NEVER had an interest in fitness. I was never raised that way. We didnít hike, or jog, or do anything physical like boating or swimming or really anything at all. Both my nature and my nurture are working against me, it feels like it at least.
I find myself struggling to get into any sort of groove with fitness. Food has become easier with time, although I still have days, but I just cannot get there with fitness. I try to go for walks as much as possible, but gyms honestly freak me out. It is only getting worse. I donít feel comfortable there, I feel like I have to force myself and its all this big negative thing in my head that I canít get past and I really believe I have to undo like 27 years of whatís been ingrained in my head. Plus my nature, my body, has clearly inherited the same weight problems of my ancestors so I have to do SOMETHING about that.
I really want to break the chain. Iíve done it with other things in my life, I have to be able to do it with my weight too right?
Do you think you can undo genetics? Do genetics mean Iíll ďnaturallyĒ struggle with this forever? I look at my mom, dad, aunts, uncles, grandparents Ė we are NOT a naturally thin family. Getting to the point where I am with food has taken years and I know I still have work to do thereÖ but I know my fitness needs improvement even more.
Iím curious to hear what you all think. Can your nurture overthrow your nature? Maybe Iím just barking up the wrong (family) tree?!
Friday, August 01, 2014
My steps counts for vacation look amazing. We did tons of walking. I doubled my average every dayÖ.. and I probably doubled my average calories each day too. We packed breakfast/lunches but I swear dinner and our many brewery visits negated it all. I feel kind of bloated and my skirt is tight today Ė not good signs!
Got off to a rocky start at vacation Ė my neck tried to give me a migraine so the first night I was in bed pretty quickly. The second day, not 15 minutes after we got on the beach, I had to call 9-1-1 for stranded swimmers. The lifeguards were not on duty yet and I think this guy and his wife got caught in a rip tide and panicked. It was a bit scary but I am SO glad that I brought my phone to the beach and we were there to help. Beach patrol & 911 responded very quickly and were able to pull them in before theyÖ wellÖ drowned. Lesson here folks is to never swim without a guard around, know your strength and the ocean, and know what to do in a rip tide.
Besides that, we relaxed on the beach, played some arcade games, and saw a Spanish Galleon. Iíve got a little sunburn in a bad place, letís just say I missed a critical spot that doesnít usually see much sun. Ouch!
I donít know why coming back to work on a Friday was a good idea, but here I am. Still a lot of uncertainty and craziness and such going on here, but the time away really did help.
Got my meals planned for next week. Iíve been breaking in my speedforms so hopefully we have some good walking weather days. If not, I REALLY want to get into pilates or yoga again. My BF had a big talk about it at the beach and I think at least 2x/week I should be doing it. I canít build strength and sanity if I donít stick with it! Iím really trying to find stuff with a good mix of exercise and mental help lol. Plus my skirt really is a bit tight today and that is no bueno.
Anyways, hope you all had a great week!
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