Thursday, December 11, 2014
Since mid-August, I had been doing really, really well with avoiding binging. This week I really messed up. I know why and I know I need to get back on track, but I'm having trouble making myself really want to. My addict brain is telling me....just one more piece of cake, you can start over "tomorrow", just a little won't hurt, etc, etc. And the more I binge the more depressed it makes me and then it's even harder to get out of the cycle. It started with a birthday party I had for my Dad on Sunday. People flew here from all over for the event. After the party my sister-in-law asked me if I wanted to have some of my brother's ashes. It was such a surprise...totally unexpected and I didn't know what to say. She had brought some with her so I needed an answer right away. Said of course I did. Now I have them in the closet and I don't know if I really want them. It's a connection to the brother I loved so dearly, but it's so very sad and makes me want to cry. But instead of crying, of course, I started bingeing. It didn't help that the house was full of left over party food....cake, gift boxes of chocolates, cookies, ice cream. Spoke with my therapist about it today and she was very helpful. I need to let myself feel the feelings and work through it. Talked about the addict brain and the real brain . Well, made it through today.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
2014 has been a rough year so far. My father, who has dementia and other health issues, came to live with us in 2013. Since Jan. 2014 he has been in hospital twice, got a pacemaker, been in nursing home for rehab and is back with us now. Currently recovering from pace maker procedure and doesn't remember he has a pacemaker.
Two days before Christmas my youngest brother found out his cancer treatment was not working. We went out of state to visit him in hospital in February. He died end of March and we went to memorial service and stayed 3 weeks to help settle things.
I have another brother who has never been available to help with Dad.
So I've lost the brother I was closest to and now I'm seeing my Dad deteriorating and know we will lose him too. It's just too sad. I wish my other brother would realize that I need his help with Dad, but he won't do anything because he just wants to live his own life, doing whatever makes him happy and letting me take care of all the sad stuff. I have no kids, so future looks like it's going to be just a series of loses as I get older with no more happiness left for me in life.
Yes, I am depressed and I am making an appointment to see someone.
I guess the main reason for this blog is to get some support and helpful suggestions to deal with binge eating. I worked so hard to lose 90 pounds and now I've regained 25 of it. I don't want to regain any more. I want to get back to where I was in weight loss. I felt so proud of that, but now I'm ashamed of letting myself regain.
Monday, April 22, 2013
At a restaurant yesterday I noticed a woman bingeing on sugar-free syrup. She was eating spoonful after spoonful of the sweet stuff until the bottle was empty. The woman was obese and I felt so sorry and sad for her. Was she trying to control her weight or maybe lose weight and the sugar-free syrup seemed safe ? That craving for bingeing on sweets had such a hold on her . Why do we binge on sweets? why not lettuce? why not green beans? something about the sweetness of foods temporarily fills an emptiness in some of us. I want to work on filling that emptiness with something healthy, something fun, something good for me that I really enjoy. I don't know what that is yet, but I am determined to keep trying to stay on a healthy path and lead a healthy life.
Sunday, March 03, 2013
It's been a rough 3 months for my Dad. A lot of back and forth before finally making a decision, which I hope will stick. He doesn't like his current living situation and decided to sell his house and move in with us. House sold in 10 days. Auction scheduled for this month and has to be out of his house end of this month. So much to do in a short time. I'm eating way too much.....using food for emotional reasons. Need to really get this back under control.
Anyone have positive experiences to share about a parent moving in with them? Dad is generally very nice and kind, but he has dementia and that can get on my nerves after a while. We told him he could live with us as long as he was able to take care of himself (get out of bed, eat, shower, etc). I really want this to work. He does have the option of affording assisted living and/or a nursing home, but I don't want him to have to move into a home until it's totally necessary. How do I cope with this all without using food? Thanks!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
I've been stuck in a rut for months now. Almost at my goal, but making no progress. I want to get into the 140-145 range, but keep wavering between 148 and 154. I really think my goal is realistic, but my eating behaviors have not been consistantly good. I'll eat healthy and exercise for a week or so , but then some emotional thing will throw me off track and I'll binge for days. Worries about my Dad and Brother have got me overeating currently. I can not be any help to them if I am not taking care of myself. Need to get back on plan ASAP...meaning right now with the very next bite I take. My eating plan is healthy and I just need to do it. My steps to get back on track are:
1. journal what I'm eating every day, even if it's not so good
2. get back into the habit of spending a little time each day on Spark
3. get in some form of exercise and relaxation every day
4. think positive, be in the moment, I can handle whatever comes my way
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