Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Thanks to VAMANOS and NKBEAUTY for pushing me in the right direction, which wasn't off a cliff! (God knows last week I was close to that edge!)
I am on the road to self love.
In my particular case it's a road I have longed to take, however, it's not paved, hell I don't even think a car could get down that road...maybe it's a path...regardless...I'm bringin' in my macheti and I am makin' my own road!
Ewwww....maybe I could even paint it pink too??!! Oh, I digress...
I have lived a life of never feeling good enough.
Never being pretty enough, athletic enough, talented enough (my art), smart enough, and the list goes on.
It's hard to believe that most of these doubts were bashed into my head via a parental unit!
My brother didn't help much either nor did my peers.
I have been hard wired to think poorly of myself. WAY over and above the typical self esteem issues most kids fall prey to.
As a result, I have never been satisfied with much in my life. Always left longing for more. I have spent a life of starting things only to fail but not completing things due to my own self image. Self sabotage is a horrible disease. I liken it to any addiction, only with horrible roots, that spread through your very soul like a bad weed... gout weed comes to mind...I can't stand that one!
Perhaps I never completed things out of fear it simply was not going to be good enough anyway...so why bother?!
I remember when I realized I wasn't a bad kid. I had to be told by an objective third party, mind you... but it was a light bulb moment for me, a catalys if you will to my self improvement journey. I was 18 and doing family counseling with my mother- the inflictor of evil in my life!
I totally believed her(mother), that I was a bad daughter....until that day...when our psychologist stood up to my mother and told her that there was nothing wrong with her daughter (me). That SHE was the problem. That I had been bullied enough and that as much as my mother felt I needed help, she (psychologist) was there to tell her that Mommy Dearest needed it more, and that the help I needed was to undo all the wrong that Mother had put me through for so many years.
I was stunned to say the least. For the first time EVER, someone had my back and didn't see the same me that I was led to believe was the ONLY me. That stuck with me for a VERY long time...well I still refer back to it during my moments of self doubt (and trust me, I still have my fair share).
That moment is what almost always reminds me that I am NOT inferior, I CAN do things successfully...I stumble plenty, that's for sure, but some how I always come up no worse for the wear.
I like that about myself. I like that I can always rise above my own self esteem issues to some how, make it work.
No matter how depressed I have been...I know that there is never any other solution than to get back up and try again....probably because I am deathly afraid of dying...LOL...so I kinda have no choice....get back up or be dead...like I want THAT option!!! people would see me naked and overweight...YUCK...
I digress, yet again...hehehe
Anyway, the point of all my mumble jumble ramblings is that we all need to be hyper sensitive to the negative self talk and turn it around...we would never say negative things to our children growing up...like" oh honey that picture is beautiful, FOR A 3 YEAR OLD...., don't worry, you'll get better some day!"
Seriously!!! we all do it...I can't tell you how many blog entries I read daily where people write out their accomplishment but preface it with, "I ONLY did" or "I did X amount of push ups, but they weren't the REAL ones"...or "I ONLY ran/walked/insert your thing here X number of miles"...
Holy Crap...I can run over 4kms now...WOOHOO!!! and ANNE7X7 can run 10 miles...does that make me scum?
I think not....my neighbour can't run 1k...so I AM AHEAD OF THE GAME JUST FOR SHOWING UP!!
I refuse to talk myself out of "ONLY" being able to run 4km...and when anyone says "that's not bad for not being in shape"...and someone DID say that to me last week...I am going to actually respond...not sit there dumbfounded...and say that AT LEAST I CAN RUN!
We are all warriors here, brave, brave warriors, fighting ghosts and demons that have long been beat into our psyche....that's why we are here, right? Otherwise we'd all be fit and healthy in body AND mind.
So to celebrate my self talk and my wonderful spirit I have setup a few reminders in my office and at home...here's a couple of pics from my office setup.
Remember...you are brave, you are wonderful and you deserve inner happiness...and you all must know it otherwise you wouldn't be on SP fighting to have it shine through!
Love yourselves and those around you!!
This is the view of my Kleenex box from my side...when you walk into my office you can't see it.
This is my no fat cows allowed cow!...I have a stress cow...like a stress ball, only it's a cow...I decided to put the red circle thingy around it because I was inspired by my "fat cow" comment that got me in such hot water with a few of you, who will remain nameless...but you know who you are!!! :)
And this is on the back of my tape dispenser...all of which stare me in the eyeballs daily!
So go be good to yourself and remind yourself daily how wonderful you truly are!
RUN RUN RUN!!