Thursday, July 08, 2010
There, I said it...I am fat...and although I am growing used to it, and I seem to be settling in to it, I hate it and can't stand me. Funny, when I was thin I couldn't stand me either. Always thought I fat, ever since I was 15 and a boy told me i had a big butt. I was so embarrassed by his comment. It was then that I became dangerously aware of my size. I was 90lbs at that point.
My teenage years were all spent purging and starving myself. I was 89lbs on my 18th birthday at 5', 5.5" tall and was worried I was going to hit 90lbs.
At 28 I found myself pregnant at 108lbs and dreading the impending weight gain. I was very ill and lost a lot of weight at the beginning of the pregnancy...by the time I had my son I was at 187lbs and horrified. What had I become?!
I immediately started exercising, while in the hospital, I bled a lot and my Dr warned me to stop. Eventually I got my weight down to 128lbs, still feeling fat, but knowing in my head that I was more than within my ideal range. I still felt fat and longed for my pre-pregnancy days.
Four years later I found myself pregnant at 130lbs...not a bad way to be at the start of a pregnancy at 32 years old, right? Well I felt fatter than ever and was terrified at the thought that when it was all over I would never get to that 130lb mark again. I gained 22lbs during my pregnancy and felt pretty good about myself for pulling that off.
I stayed at 145lbs for a while...I hated that size, I felt like a cow. When my daughter was born, life circumstances changed and within a month found myself raising a 4 year old and a newborn on my own. I was very depressed and that's when the REAL climb began.
5 years later I was 199lbs and couldn't believe it....I decided then and there I HAD to lose that weight. I met a man....doesn't it always begin with a man!??!!!....and I started feeling better about myself and I started losing weight...I dropped to 150lbs and although I wasn't as thin as I wanted to be, I was looking good and feeling good too. This lasted for about 2 years or so, when things changed again...yup...the man...I tell ya...it's ALWAYS a man ;)
Anyway, we broke up and I was devastated, to say the least. I slid into a real bad depression, lost days of work, hospital visits, etc...not a pretty thing...I managed to stay around 155lbs for a few months...then I broke my ankle...yup...lucky me. Well I ended up stopping all exercise for a VERY long time, hell my foot still hurts and it's been 2 years since I broke it.
Well I gained more weight, went up to 193 I think...In October 2009 I decided enough was enough...I went to the gym, worked out lots, changed my eating habits and lost 25lbs...
I am now back up to 183 or so...(I will do an official weigh in tomorrow AM) and have to get the hell off this damn roller coaster.
So, I have always had weight issues...I really don't know what keeps me this way..I have thought about it for a long time...Like Dr Phil says, what's in it for you...and quite frankly, I think it's that if I stay fat, I am not attractive to men, they leave me alone and I don't have to reveal myself to anyone or risk anything. Now how the hell do I stop that!??
So this is the beginning of THAT journey...the what makes me tick journey....I need to know how to stop feeling like I don't deserve anything better than what I am now. I know I do...but I really don't believe it.
I I think this the first step...laying it out there, who knows if anyone will read this, but that's not what it's about. It's about me saying it, writing it, making it real, making myself accountable to someone...to me.
Let the journey begin...