Sunday, January 27, 2013
This just happened and it's an "A-ha" moment, so I want to capture it right away.
Background: Yesterday everything was going well, first time I did a 4th 45 minute cardio session since I started SP (this has been my goal). Food, good. Then I was on my way home, and really really hungry (dinner time). Too hungry. I thought about going home and cooking, and how long it would take, and it was too long. So I stopped at the grocery store for some comfort food and went home. Much better comfort food than I would have chosen before, but still.... way too many calories.
OK, so today: Bigger breakfast than I've had in a long time, visiting with my mother. Full, and not feeling good about myself, from last night. Other things, then got home. Needing to do some work, practice (violin), exercise. Feeling blah. Wanting to have a snack. I see bread and cheese, which I have not been eating much at all, and that's an old snack that I used to have (which always lead to more...). Not "bad" but too many calories with the rest of the day still ahead of me. And I could feel that "giving up" feeling happening, like, that dull inner sensation, of sliding downhill... you know what I mean. Like, the inevitability of failing.
As I was reaching for the cheese in the fridge, another voice inside me said, No, have the popcorn. The fat free popcorn that has been my afternoon snack for a couple of weeks, microwave Trader Joe's 130 cal's, big bowl full.
And in that moment - Everything Changed. Everything Changed.
My energy immediately went up, as I reached in the cabinet. Literally, really, I felt a surge of focus and energy and determination - a "Yes I Can" feeling - And In a Moment, Everything Changed.
Put the popcorn in the microwave, got the broccoli and squash and green beans out of the fridge, to cut up and prepare for steaming for dinner. Turned the oven on to roast the sweet potatoes to have as a snack later and tomorrow.
A-HA. This is what the "A-HA" moment is, for me, right now. Like something snapped back into place. My determination, my YES, my Remembering Myself, Remembering what I really want and where I really want to be heading.
WOW - I'm thrilled! I'm thrilled to have been present enough to 'catch it", to have it an enjoy it, and to share it with you. I can't but help think, that the "other voice" is the build up of the work and focus and attention that I've put in on SP, and Spark Coach, over the last 6 weeks since I started. THIS is the moment, where the scale tips in favor of Me. This is good, really good
Since nothing is a steady state, what I'm hoping now, is to take this precious moment, and let it grow. One moment at a time, one positive experience at a time. I have no illusions that I will never have another "bad" meal, or bad day. Might have one tomorrow.... but This Experience is one I can reach back into, for strength, and remembrance of my True Self.
So - Make a Different Decision, you can do it, this other voice is inside YOU too. Make a different decision, a small seemingly insignificant decision - and watch how Everything Changes for you too :).
Till next time
Saturday, January 19, 2013
As I was in the pool at the gym this afternoon, doing my 45 minutes of water jogging, I realized that today is Day 40 on Spark People, participating in Spark Coach, and being on this new journey. Since 40 days feels significant, I wanted to take stock, and talk about The View From Here.
As so many people have commented on in other blogs, and what we of course know ourselves, I've been on a zillion diets, including Atkins for a year (never did lose all that much weight) and starting with WW when I was a kid. My family members are all overweight, so weight, weight loss, despair, accepting ourselves who we are etc have been topics of conversation my whole life.
So what makes this time different? First, the wake up moment of really "Seeing Myself" as we were about to go on stage to perform. Seeing myself in the mirror, seeing everyone else, and getting that, NO NO NO NO NO, this cannot go one. This is not who I really am. Probably lots of us have that Wake Up moment. As I've mentioned in a previous blog, I'd tried Spark People before, but had never gotten involved in the community, and this was before Spark Coach.
So fast forward to today, I ask myself, so how are things going?
1. I feel like I'm in a groove, which I don't think I've ever felt before, about food - what to eat, tracking, how often to eat, etc. I understand now, when I've heard people talk about eating smaller meals throughout the day. In working on keep calories low - and healthy - this kind of eating has just naturally evolved. Eating breakfast everyday, I have to say, I can really feel a shift in metabolism. I get REALLY hungry a few hours later. Then eat again a few hours later, all meals 300 cal or less. Then in the afternoon snacks, then more calories available for dinner - which is the hardest time for me. Having a lot of calories left for dinner and evening is working best right now.
2. On Spark Coach, they say that this is a JOB, and is WORK, and that we need to take it that way. Amen to that! Again, having a focus on food, and fitness, and motivations, staying connected on the Spark People Website, tracking etc. It IS a job, and work. It's serious work, and I get that.
3. I made a vision board last week - first time I've ever done that although I've certainly heard about doing these before. I want to do another one now, encompassing some other areas of my life.
4. I'm awed - is that the right word? - at my depth of commitment, the seriousness of this work, and I feel like I am not holding back, but giving it my all. It is SO HELPFUL reading blog posts about the fear of failing, yet again, yet again. But the constant focus from Spark Coach and Spark People in general, about "Keep Going", Never Give Up, Consistency, etc. This is new - and it feels so right. I feel new with it... and that feels really right too.
5. Struggling with not feeling like I'm in "calorie prison", and that each time I eat anything, there's less and less. I'm trying to work this out inside - to free myself from this. Yes, this is about discipline, but a) it's a choice, and b) it's what we all do, as human beings, eat and then stop LOL.
6. Feeling really good when I do my workouts in the pool, so steady, right at my target heart rate, moving like I mean it, and my body is soaking it up. I need to add the strength training component - need to get over my resistance to that, I've done strength training in the past, and I love it. I also need to start walking.... for many years, I couldn't walk more than a block or 2, due to spinal stenosis in my neck and low back. But after intensive massage therapy - intensive! - over the last year, and the exercise, I CAN walk now. I need to set down the fear, and just go. 10 minutes, that's all I need to commit too.
7. I need to figure out how to eat everything, but in moderation. If I don't allow myself some other foods, I know I'm going to burn out. I'm afraid - there's that word again - that if I eat anything other than 0% greek yogurt and blueberries, that I will fall out of this and, well you know, fail. But even as I write this, I know this is not the truth.
8. Goals, where I want to go, what I want to accomplish, its all there, to be had, isn't it?
Fear - didn't realize this until right now - Fear looms big. Wow... ok, need to munch on that...
That's it for now - thanks for reading my blog. Any thoughts, ideas, reflections you have would be greatly appreciated! thank you :)
Sunday, January 13, 2013
So this is what I learned today:
1. House cleaning can be good exercise - specifically, cleaned out the fridge, washed shelves, removed drawers, sparkly clean healthy foods shining back at me
2. For right now, I really do need to eat lightly during the day, and save more calories for the night time. I've been doing that since I started SP a month ago, and today thought, hey, I can have a bigger lunch. Nope..... Wound up eating over my calorie limit tonight. But I'm ok :)
3. I was able to start employing the tools I learned this week in Spark Coach, about how to recognized what's happening re: emotional eating, how to stay grounded, self talk etc. I was able to have that conversation with myself, realized I wanted to eat because I was bored, and was there something else I could do instead.
.......Well, for this first time out, it wasn't instead but in addition to, but I'm ok with that. Learning.
4. I came home and put together my first Vision Board. Spark Guy had talked about doing this in a coaching session last week? and I had started cutting out pictures and got poster board and glue. But hadn't put it together yet. He talked about it again yesterday. So this was my thing to do, when I felt the urge to eat emotionally.
5. I did it - and it came out really cool!!
That's it for now - thanks blog readers, love your comments and support!
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Yesterday's Spark Coaching video was all about the looking for the motivation behind the wanting to lose weight, and making That the goal.
I'm all about Goals right now - short term, long term, meeting goals. This is new for me. Although I have accomplished a lot in my life, and plan on accomplishing a lot more :), still, I have never really consciously set goals for myself. It's time!
So it's been a month now on SP, and there have been ups and downs. Lost 7 pounds, gained back 3, so net loss=4 pounds. Given that this was over the holidays and a work retreat, I think it's not so bad. But I think the bigger take away for myself is, that I'm still here. Hasn't that been the issue for so many of us? Trying to get with a program to lose weight, and get fit - and then feeling like we've failed and giving up? That's sure been true for me.
Still here, still here.... Learning a new way to be. It's settling in for the long haul, welcoming myself to the active New. For the first time not giving up if I ate something - or more than something - that wasn't on "the diet". Or not exercising exactly according to plan. I love the quote that came up on the SP page the other day:
It's what we do every day, day in and day out - not what we do occasionally. The idea that I/we don't have to be perfect, all or nothing, that this is a process and we need to be our best friends in it - this is new. Be my own best friend? Encourage myself? Speak to myself with kindness, love and encouragement? New. New New New New New.
You know, we can say that we want to try something new, but we actually don't know what it's going to be like until we DO IT.
So what is my underlying motivation? I think this is going to unfold - the first things that have come to mind is, wanting to stand out for who I am, not stand out because I'm fat. I am so tired of being "different", the fat one, the one who doesn't "fit. Is that a goal? I think it is.
Goal #1: Losing weight and Getting fit - to be able to stand out and shine for who I am, not because I'm fat.
Goal #2: Be that athlete that I know is inside of me. The sea kayaker, the skier, the hiking-across-Europe person, the biking in Tuscany woman. Becoming the athlete that I know I am.
Goal #3: Look beautiful. Wearing beautiful clothes, shopping in Paris, wherever I like. Being the size where I can look how I feel!!
Goal #4: Being able to travel wherever I like, my size no longer being an obstacle. Whether that's going to Bhutan, or Antarctica, or sailing in Croatia - being able to embrace the experience fully, no longer having to worry about "will I fit"? Will people be looking at me funny? Sitting down at a cafe in Paris, and easily and comfortably fitting into the chair and behind the table.
So that's it for today... Again, what's foremost on my mind right now, is the Keep Going aspect to SP, Keep Going. You are Welcome Here - We are all Welcome Here.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
So started SP on 12/10/12, 20 days ago. Lost 7 pounds so far in the first 2 weeks. Of course then we've had the holidays which have thrown me off, mostly 1. not knowing how to count calories on the meals I've been eating, 2. thrown off my exercise schedule on some days, preparing meals and getting house ready for guests, and 3. eating out of my comfort zone.
I think I'm a little afraid, almost like things are going too well and this is when I fail? It's certainly happened so very many many times before. One of the things I really like about SP - and Spark Coach which I signed up for and am using - is the whole emphasis on Consistency. There are going to be set backs, and some not so great days. But weight is not lost or gained by a single meal, or a single day. It's all about consistency. I keep reminding myself of this - which is so different then what I've done before.
Looked in the mirror again today, from afar at the gym, but still, I looked. This all started when I was in the mirror along with everyone else in the NH group, right before our performance. And I saw myself, even though I was trying not to look, I saw myself. In relation to everyone else. And there I was - am - the really fat one. Really fat one. 100 pounds over weight. Obese. Really obese.
But this is what pushed me to start SP the next day. I've been exercising at the gym, cardio, went up to 50 minutes today. Bought weights at Sports Authority this afternoon, 5 pounders, plus 1 8 lb to go with the one I already had.
Stay focused B. Keep going forward. You're doing good, really good. Keep looking in the mirror - you really need to do that, to keep focussed on the goal. And I was really brave and posted a picture of myself from Paris from last year.
So here's to consistency, to really being on the journey, to commitment and courage and staying the course.
More to come.....
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