Friday, April 18, 2014
While watching a movie yesterday, I heard a quote by Gandhi that really moved me. " Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world...as in being able to remake ourselves." It made me realize that I'm in a very strange point in my life right now.
At 178 pounds and a size 10, I'm at a size that some people view as normal, average, healthy. And I'm in a new job, where the vast majority of people that I work with have no idea that I ever struggled with my weight. I don't go around with a huge sign around my neck saying "Former Fat Girl" or a bumper sticker on my butt that says "Ask me how I lost the weight!" I'm not shy about talking about my weight loss journey, heck I love talking about it because it's truly changed me in the 2.5 short years that I've been on it. But many people don't realize how much I've worked to improve myself and how much I continue to work every day to be the healthiest and happiest person I can be.
With all that said, I'm still living in my hometown, with a ton of people I grew up with, who all know the former 215-275 pound Jan-Marie. And even now when I run into people I haven't seen in a long time, they seem lost on what to say. As if saying "Wow, you look amazing" is actually them meaning "Geez, you used to be fat." I never take any compliments as that. I'm always honored and feel very lucky when someone notices that I've improved on myself.
When I see pictures of my former self, it is honestly hard to remember what life was like at that size. I remember constantly hoping that I'd still fit in my clothes, and being crushed when I had to go up yet another size. I remember being embarrassed during the summer when I was around all my bikini clad girlfriends. But I rarely ever let the mindset I used to have creep up. But Wednesday night I had a small relapse.
If you saw my status, you know my wedding dress came in Wednesday. I was so excited to go down and try it on. My uncle and aunt own a bridal store, so I ordered through them, and when we got to the store my aunt whisked me into one of the fitting rooms to try it on. If you also remember, when I had to order my wedding dress, based on my measurements and incredibly broad shoulders apparently(41-32-40) my hips required a size 10 dress, my waist required a size 14, and my lovely bust and shoulders required a size 18! So we ordered an 18.
Well long story short, I love my dress. It is beautiful in every way possible. I'm sorry but I'm just too scared to post a pic until after the wedding, but I'm slightly superstitious that way. But when I came out of the dressing room, a girl and her mother, who were sitting on the couch began to glare at me. They were whispering to each other and laughing and such. I realize now that she'd be double booked with the seamstress and was probably very upset that I walked in and was able to try on my dress right away while she'd been waiting. But I wasn't there for a fitting, and I'm family... so I just got perks.
But in that moment, those glares and whispers, made me feel like dirt. The only thing running through my mind was, they must be talking about how big I look. The waist does need taken in on the dress because right now I look wider than I actually am but an 18 was the right size to get the dress (which has an illusion neckline) to fit across my shoulders. What makes me the saddest is it should have been a very happy moment, the first time trying on my dress, and I let my own thoughts and some actions of others ruin it for me. I feel the worst for my mom. I know it didn't seem like I loved the dress because I was so preoccupied with allowing my former fat girl mindset take over, but I do love that dress. And I know that once the alterations are done, it will be the greatest dress I ever wear.
I guess what the whole point of this blog and that quote is that I think I'll know that I'm finally "great" or have finally reached my healthiest point, when I no longer remember or allow those old mindsets to have any power over me. Maybe that will happen 5 years down the road, maybe 10, or maybe I'll struggle with it my entire life. I've already changed my life for the better in so many ways, so I really need to work on positive self-talk and making myself believe and realize just how truly beautiful I am.
Even nearly 100 pounds down, and 2.5 years into this journey, I still have struggles. I think we all will. That's just how life is. But learning what to let in and what to ignore when it comes to mindsets is the next thing I'm going to work on. Remaking my mind will be my toughest battle, but I know with my family, friends and SparkFriends on my side, I'll eventually do it.
I hope you all can too.
Monday, April 14, 2014
So last week, I had to give a presentation to high school seniors and their parents. I find that if I dress strictly business casual, I'm usually confused as a college student, so I pulled out all the stops and wore my new suit with size 10 skirt!
I've never loved taking pictures so much!
Then this weekend, we had beautiful weather, so I decided to take a run on Saturday morning. I wore my NikePlus watch for it's GPS capabilities and my HRM to get an accurate calorie burn. You can see why heart rate monitors are important. Over 100 calorie difference from my Nike Plus watch, which just estimates based on speed and weight.
Finally, Saturday night, I had another bachelorette party for my friend who is getting married. It is so nice to be able to celebrate and not constantly be that friend who is on a diet. I ate veggies and fruit, but also had some cheese and crackers and sweets. It's all about moderation. I'm not eating cupcakes every night, so once in a while it's okay!
I'm still having minor headaches, and like many of you, my dad thinks it is from artificial sweeteners. It's going to be very hard to eliminate them since they are in many of the lower calorie foods that I enjoy eating like my greek yogurt. But I'm going to try and watch and avoid all artificial sweeteners this week and see if the headaches go away.
Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!
Tuesday, April 08, 2014
To be fair, losing weight solved A LOT of my problems. I used to get upper respiratory infections, and a mix of bronchitis and pneumonia pretty regularly when I was overweight. My body struggled with breathing properly at 275 pounds, so it's no surprise that dropping 90 pounds has meant I've been upper respiratory infection free for almost 2 years now.
I also had terrible self esteem. This led to major jealousy issues with J.D. as well as just a depression about my life, that I never really verbalized, but that always weighed on me. My self-esteem and outlook on life has greatly improved. I'm definitely happier than I've ever been.
But the one thing that really bothers me, is that I've had headaches all my life. As a child, I had medicine in the nurse's office, and when I'd start to get a headache, I'd take some Advil, and be good in an hour or so. But since losing weight, I've developed some pretty serious migraines. One of the first ones I had was a few days after my half-marathon. This made me think that maybe I was just super dehydrated, but it lasted for almost four days. I've begun to have more of them over the past year. People ask if I've changed my diet, and I say YES, to MUCH healthier foods! Why would healthy food and an exercise plan trigger migraines?
It's such a downer for me, because I obviously want to continue on this journey, and I don't ever want to gain the weight back. I've contacted a local neurologist who can't get me in until May 20th. This morning I woke up with another terrible headache. I took my medicine for it, which helps, but makes me foggy headed and I just feel sick.
I know it was naive and silly to think that losing weight would make my life perfect. I don't think I ever believed that would happen. But I also didn't think that I would start having a problem after changing my diet and exercise routine, that I never had while overweight.
This is probably the third or fourth blog I've written on this topic, so I apologize for the repetition. I just wanted you all to know that I'm still here and still on track, but I've had a headache for the past 9 days, so I'm just trying to suffer through for now.
I'm thinking I may have to go to the Emergency Room tomorrow if it isn't better, simply to find some relief and possibly to be seen sooner than May 20th. I'm going to continue to try and research migraines and their causes, but every doctor I've seen so far can't find anything wrong with me.
I would never want them to find a tumor or something seriously wrong, but I just wish there was something they could pinpoint or tell me to change that could prevent them. I'm beginning to live in fear of the slightest tingle or inkling in my forehead that one is about to start because I know how debilitating they can be for days at a time.
Anyways. Thank you as always for you love and support Sparkfriends. I hope you all are doing well on your journeys.
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