Monday, September 29, 2014
NOTE: I wrote this a few days ago... just finished the entry:
Well, today (09/26/2014) was my 3 year surgiversary from having my WLS.
UN-happy surgiversary to me!!
YES, 3 years ago today I had weight loss surgery. I went in thinking it was going to be the best day of my life! I was finally doing this, finally breaking out of my fat shell and going to know what it's like to be thin!
I was wrong...
This was my heaviest recorded: 467 lbs!
This was the thinnest I ever remember being: (in high school) about 180 lbs.
As an adult I have never been under 200 but once. The day I went to the doctor to find out I was pregnant with my first child I weighed 199 lbs. I was overjoyed... for about 30 seconds. Three babies and 2 of them high risk, later, I weighed almost 300. But it wasn't babies, it was depression, bad marriage years, and allowing negative people to rule my life that got me to the nightmare that was 467 lbs.
Here are some highlights:
I lost 107 lbs before surgery:
I didn't see a whole lot of difference... but it was there!
...and here I was at the most I had lost:
Nice comparison huh? I used to wear those pants... I still keep them to pull them out and look at them periodically... they speak volumes!
So, here I am today:
Yea, I still don't like taking pictures... can you tell?
OK, so yes, I have gained some of my weight back in the last 2 years. I have had a rough few years, and I feel like I am trying to pick up the pieces, but I had a hard time getting going again because I felt like a failure.
However, it hit me today; many people deal with let down and just let the ball drop. I guess I never have really been that way completely, I may feel down for a while, but I am never out. Depression I have dealt with, yes! Negative people all around me I have dealt with, yes! However, one thing I have learned in my life is that when one thing does not work, you push toward another, and another, and another till SOMETHING works for you! Some may say the WLS didn't work for me because I didn't let it. Well, that's not true, it was not a very good option for me as it turned out, but I tried hard... VERY hard.
Now, don't get me wrong, it is a great tool for others, sure! It just wasn't such a great tool for me.
So, what do you do when the tool doesn't fit the job, you find another tool, right?
So, I have found a tool that works for me, it actually was the tool I used before surgery to lose the 107 lbs that I lost pre-surgery.
Although, I was so scared that I would not be able to keep the weight off again, like before. I was told that you have a greater chance of keeping it off when you have the surgery... so I did. However, actually having the surgery only kept me from continuing to eat healthy and actually stopped my weight loss. After that I just got depressed again, felt like a failure and quit...
But my mind never quit. I never quit WANTING to be thin, never quit YEARNING for that which I truly wanted in my life for me. I never quit wanting it THAT BAD!!!
So, I failed... or did I really?
SOOO, I am not going to let it get me down! If anything, it has charged me to keep pushing forward.
I will get this done!
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Today was a great day for me!
I did get up kinda late but I am getting used to just going with the flow of things, not letting things get to me, and just trying to change what bothers me, or things I don’t like at a pace less stressful.
So, I still got to the gym… and once again, Travis went with, that is every day since we have started, every day that I have made it, with the exception of when I was sick last week. He has been having trouble getting up in the mornings, like he usually does, but he is not fighting me on going to the gym… this is SO not his normal behavior!
So I got in a great 75 minute workout in the Extreme Room of my gym… I TOTALLY love that room! Rowing machine, big medicine balls, dumbbell, kettlebell, and the big ropes were all a part of my workout today! I pushed hard and it felt great!
After I finished my workout, my hubby wanted to take a selfie of us:
I called it, “dying at the gym” LOL! It’s how I felt at that exact moment, but after getting home and relaxing a bit, I could tell my metabolism was roaring and I felt great!
I also felt really good about this picture today, first of all, my husband NEVER takes pictures with me. Then he put it on his phone desktop... hmmm, someone call x-files, I think my real husband was switched with this really sweet and sensitive guy! LOL!!
So, I have been going back and reading some of my own (old) blogs to get more of a feel of where I was 3 years ago when I lost 180 lbs. The time when I was on top of the world. I am trying to allow that “me,” of that time to motivate and inspire the “me” now, to work hard and get off the other half of this weight.
Bring it home you might say...
The blog I bumped into today I found something quite ironic… have a read:
NOTE: that day was my birthday, I just noticed that...
Now I am not saying he has not brought me down like that in the last 3 years, because fact is, he has. But lately he is different. Not sure if it is because our 10 yr anniversary is coming up, or if it is because he has gained weight and is now all of a sudden concerned about his own weight, or what.
Lately things have changed, and it has defiantly been for the better, I am proud to say!
The irony of it all is his weight gain… back then he spout off about how he would always be a 28-30 waist and he can eat anything he wants, and so on and so on…
TODAY he was reading the pop-tart box...
...ok, I find that totally hilarious, honestly...
...and asking me if it was good for him to eat. Don't think I am mean or rude, and definitely not mocking his now current issue of gaining weight and not being able to fit into his clothes...
I - am - just - amused...
~~Come on I have the right to be amused, I have been trying for 10 years to cook healthy for the whole family; for me due to my weight, for him because he lost his mother at 37 to heart failure and his dad who has had at least one heart attack, although he won't admit to it... for his dad because he is aging and spite his pretending, I know he is not healthy, and lastly, (and most important of all), for my son, who I REALLY want to grow up with good eating habits.
I warned him that even though he "can eat anything without gaining weight" that it would catch up with him once he hit a certain age... he didn't listen, and to make it worse; I was laughed at, ridiculed and treated like crap because of my weight, my attempt to improve it, my workouts, and my cooking by his father while he sat back and said nothing to defend me or did anything to support me in the least, he would even go out of his way to hinder my attempts... so do I have the right to be amused... heck yea!!!~~
Reading a pop-tart box... As I type this I am laughing because it is so funny to me, after all these years, I have finally rubbed off on him. I might find it amusing, but truth is, I will help him lose the bit of weight he needs to, I am showing him how to workout at the gym in a way to amp up his metabolism and build muscle... imagine that, him allowing me to teach him!
He settled on some sliced pepperoni and whole wheat crackers for snack this evening… nice choice… complex carbs and protein, way to go hon!
So, even though the irony and amusement, I am finding a new man in my husband, maybe he just needed to grow up a bit... ok a lot! Fact is, I like this person he is, I like him more and more each day, and doing this together is not only giving me the emotional support I have always needed but never had in my own house, but also we are finding each other in a way we never have before.
...and me, well I am still pushing forward, feeling better and better everyday and in the end looking forward to a better life all around, and I CAN'T WAIT to meet the new slimmer me!
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
I have had a few rough years and my life has been up and down so much I felt like I was riding a roller coaster. But we have all had times like that periodically in life. This last life roller coaster was important to me because of the fact that I had just lost 180 lbs before it hit. I was on top of the world, and felt nothing could bring me down, and fell hard when I realized that if not prepared, we can all be brought down by life’s horrendous roller coasters.
The fact of the matter was, I was not prepared, are we ever?
Since then I have tried several times to get back on my feet, get financially secure, get emotionally secure, get my marriage secure, lose the rest of this weight, and basically just be happy again. It has been a struggle.
I kept thinking that if I could just get back to that time when I was so motivated I walked a foot off the floor. So, I had a thought… I would go back and read some of my old blogs and find out where I got the motivation so I can revisit it, and hopefully it will be contagious once again. So, I went back and began reading, it did not take very long before I found it…
OMG… it was me all along!
The motivation come from myself!
Not honking my own horn or anything but I wrote some pretty motivating blogs. I never realized it then, it was just me venting, or ranting, or just sharing. But honestly, I read those blogs and I am motivated by myself! So… here it is, I’m going to continue, I think it will do me a lot of good in many ways. Of course there will be tons of plagiarizing… from myself of course… and I will be putting my own past words into my own current situations, and learn from them.
WOW, it was me all along… I am really amazed, truly!
I was so REAL! So forward and I just put it out there!
Here was what I read that caught my eye today and brought tears to my eyes:
Then I learned right?
…or did I?
Aren't I still doing the same things now? No, actually I am not, I have changed, but not for the better. Now I am afraid! I learned, “everything can possibly touch me…” but I never put it to mindset the part where “I will bend and move, and stretch… and then it will be gone and I will still be here in one piece… still standing!” When did I forget that part? Once I realized everything CAN touch me, then I just got scared. Stopped taking chances, stopped sticking my neck out there to learn that I CAN… and eventually I stopped realizing I could and then it was just “I’m scared to.”
I am scared to lose this weight!
I am scared I will get laughed at for the excess skin!
I am scared that I will continue to fail!
I am scared that people will look at my journey and say, “your still doing this, why haven’t you finished yet?”
I am scared no one believes I can do this… aren’t they saying, “here we go again, she will be on this path for a few weeks, then life will happen and she will quit again…” *will fail again* they mean, right?
I am scared of being scared most of all, afraid I will never not be scared…
I heard a saying when I was younger, “there is nothing to fear but fear itself.”
I don’t want to be afraid anymore, but I am the only one that can do anything about it. I am the only one that can learn that when the storm hits, I can bend and withstand the beating and still be standing in the end.
I begin by getting out of my own safe, cozy, and comfy little comfort zone!
One thing I DO know is I can do this... I was there once, I CAN and WILL BE there once again!
…and it begins!
Monday, September 22, 2014
I was responding to a note from a Spark Freind this morning and wanted to reflect on what I said to her in my blog because I really think this is a key foundation to my journey and the very thing that will ultimately lead to my success.
Here is what I wrote to her:
I also have a yo-yo history but one of losing weight and gaining it back. It is tough during pregnancy, I was high risk on 2 of mine so weight gain was inevitable... or so I thought at that time I was not knowledgeable on eating well. I also struggled with bulimia when I was a teen, thank goodness I have not even considered that as an adult because I know the tendency is never really gone.
I know the mind set thing, when I had surgery I told the doctors that was the thing they left out of the process which was causing their success rate to be lower than it should be... the psychological reasons for the "why" a person got the way they were to begin with. The doctor laughed at me, I was almost finished with my degree in psychology and he was being condescending like I was just a school girl who is fresh out of school... out to change the world. I wasn't thinking like that, I just knew that was my issues and they convinced me, (promised me), that surgery would "take care of all that"... they were wrong!
I will hit my 3rd year surgiversary next month. To be honest, bariatric surgery was a mistake for me in many ways. The worst was that I was not right in that psychological part when I had the surgery, and still struggle with it every single day. My surgery went well physically, and my recovery was great. However, I lost more in the 7 months before surgery than in the year after. Because I was not equipped to handle the mind stressors of everyday life, I "fell off the wagon" as you might say, and gained weight back as soon as life got rough. I thoroughly believe that would not have happened if I was also taught to deal with my stressors as well as dealing with my eating.
The hardest part now days is that I cannot eat much. I am working with Chris Powell's team and using his Carb Cycling program to lose now, and it is a thorough program, not just something that is part time till I lose, and not robbing my body of those nutrients I need. This program I can live with for life and stay healthy. However, since my stomach is so small, I cannot eat as many calories as I should when I finally started eating right. I should be able to put back a huge healthy salad with chicken and chick peas and low cal dressing (all under 300 calories)... but truth is, I can't even get half down. So the low calorie my tummy is forcing me to abide by is an issue and Chris' team watches my eating on a weekly basis.
I do not discourage people from having weight loss surgery, for some it works. However, I will say that, (many... including myself), of the people I watched go through this process have been considered a "surgery fail." They struggle everyday with the same thing I do, life gets rough, and they turn to eating... they have not been taught how to deal first.
(In my opinion... the surgery process sets you up for failure. Although many would argue that point, I do have grounds to back it.)
One of the best sayings I have ever heard was said right here on SP... "I stopped stuffing my face when I started facing my stuff." - Sparker
(I am sorry I do not remember who posted that to give proper credit.)
That has stayed with me, and I believe it completely.
When we face the "why", then we can fight the rest.
It's what I hope to do with my life, once I lose this weight, I want to work with people, I have actually been training for years to do just that without knowing I was... I have a degree in psychology and my minor was nutrition. I have learned so much through my own journey I think I will make a kick-butt trainer someday. Pass on what I know and help others.
I share your hearts desire, to be an encouragement to others.
I also hope I can lead by example, it is what drives me.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Well I ended the week last week with another insomnia night, ended up not sleeping from the time I woke up at 6:30 am on Friday till I ended up falling asleep Saturday night about 8 pm. I ended up waking up this morning around 8 am and felt terrible because the guys let me stay asleep directly under a fan that was in a window the entire night... I was so upset with them because it seems like no one, (but me), ever pays attention to anything in our house unless its on a computer screen.
I woke up with a sore throat and was dehydrated and freezing cold! I was glad to see that it was just temporary, the sore throat went away with some hot tea. I drank powerade zero all day to get re-hydrated.
So, anyway, I didn't weigh in this week because last week was so bad with my cycle beginning, being sick, and not getting to the gym most days. I figured I didn't want to begin the week on a bad note if I had gained any, so it's a mystery till next weekend!
So I spent some time today cooking and making some things to get ready to roll this week. I actually sat down and set my meals for the entire week so all I have to do is follow the meals everyday. About 3/4 of them I have already gotten made and either frozen or refrigerated in servings. I figure the easier the better it will be to make sure I stick with the plan and get all the exercising I need in if I don't waste so much time cooking.
So, hitting it hard this week!
A few notes:
For one of my Spark Teams:
This week we are going to focus on Non-Scale Victory Goals....
This week's NSV Goals:
1. Follow my plan every day!
2. Get to the gym 6 days this week!
3. No snacking any night this week!
4. Get in 8k steps per day!
5. Make 3 sales at work this week!
Addition to my Live It List this week:
~ Be confident like never before!
Hope everyone had a great weekend!
Have a power week!
Don't forget to SMILE!
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