Sunday, December 01, 2013
I hope everyone had a GREAT Thanksgiving!
I watched all month how people on FB were listing every day another reason to be thankful in the spirit of thanksgiving. Personally, I had mixed feelings about that one; I thought we should find reasons EVERYDAY to be thankful, not just the month of November for thanksgiving... and so I read my friends and families reasons and kept thinking that maybe I should be thankful... but then could I REALLY come up with 30 reasons? I found myself fearing whether or not I could even get half way through the month... so I didn't.
Well shame on me for thinking too much about it all instead of just... being thankful.
I think it IS a great thing to at least remind ourselves yearly just how thankful we are... even though we are so busy throughout the year to stop on most days to be thankful, I am starting a new tradition...
I am breaking down to prove something to myself...
One: that I can find 30 reasons to be thankful...
And Two: that I can find something every day too!
So here we go:
1. I am thankful for the most wonderful son in the world!
2. I am thankful for the friends and family who support me!
3. I am thankful I have people who love me!
4. I am thankful for the strength to get out of bed every day!
5. I am thankful for my friends on FB and SP who inspire me every day!
6. I am thankful for every test I pass which makes me stronger!
7. I am thankful for having awesome people behind my scenes that help my business grow!
8. I am thankful for my husband… even with our problems, he tells me every day he loves me!
9. I am thankful for patience!
10. I am thankful for the little things today which I realized later weren’t so little!
11. I am thankful for the veterans in this country that help me to be free!
12. I am thankful that I still remember to dream, and continue to reach for those dreams!
13. I am thankful to work for one of the best companies in the country!
14. I am thankful for great gifts from God to be good at what I do!
15. I am thankful I was able to hire a great sales woman, Christy your awesome!
16. I am thankful for having built a great business!
17. I am thankful for having a roof over my head!
18. I am thankful to remember each day to keep trying!
19. I am thankful for 2 happy little furry faces that greet me daily like I am the best thing in the world!
20. I am thankful for the people who love me… even with all my faults!
21. I am thankful my husband is a great installer… he makes my job easier!
22. I am thankful to have the best Sales Manager helping me succeed!
23. I am thankful for a great co-worker… and friend, who reminds me there are reasons to smile daily!
24. I am thankful for having set a new record in all time sales for this year!
25. I just love to see my son smile… I am so thankful for his sweet smile!
26. I am thankful I can reach out and inspire others like I have been inspired!
27. I am thankful I am a great cook!
28. I am thankful for the friend and my family I live with every day!
29. I am thankful for a best friend who is there to pick me up when I fall!
30. I am thankful for the ability to put a down-payment on the house of my dreams!
+ 1… I had an addition to my Live it List: A request of my husband to give him a private dance on our own “stripper pole” in our new pool room of our brand new house. I agreed that when I hit normal BMI, I will… so that being said… thankful reason # 31… I am thankful that my husband can still think of me as sexy even though I do not look as such right now!
So… there it is friends, I have proven that I can list 30… + 1 reasons to be thankful. Point proven to me, and I have also added it to my new Live it List Spark Team as a daily challenge! Come join me on my new team: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_
individual.asp?gid=61742 and create your own live it list, and let’s challenge and motivate each other daily to remember each and every day why we are thankful, and why we have yet another reason to live!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
WARNING... no positive thoughts here tonight... I am sorry!
I am feeling all sorts of low today. A tornado of mixed feelings that I am not sure what to do with. I am faced with huge Y's in the road and I am not sure which way to turn. I have so many questions... and very few answers.
Let me go back a few days...
I decided last week that I just could not live with this weigh gain anymore. I knew I just had to kick it into high gear and barrel ahead to do what is best for ME! I had planned to start on Monday, then it dawned on me, why wait, let's just do this now! So, I began making plans, and finally just started on Friday. I was doing great, Friday, Saturday, Sunday...
Let's not go there quite yet...
Back to the week before...
Was getting some flack in the house, NO ONE in my house supports me... every time I try to get going on this issue the attitude is, "just deal with it for a few days or maybe a week and she'll stop talking about it, and then just stop doing it, then we can just go back to the way we live instead of hearing about weight loss and what we're not suppose to be eating and dealing with all this healthy crap she keeps cooking..."
The saddest thing is, there are 4 people in my family not including me and 3 are adults, and the strongest supporter is the one child... my 12 year old son. I am at least thankful for that.
So, after years of dealing with no support at home I have tried and tried to keep on keeping on with outer support: my friends on SP, my friends on FB, a few other people here and there... etc. etc. In the end, I keep ending up in the same place... at home, at night... surrounded by my family (sort of), and... alone.
When I originally started this almost 3 years ago, I was so determined you could not knock me down... then life knocked me down. Now almost 3 years later, I have SO much trouble even faking it till I can try and make it, let alone REALLY hanging in there and finding my stride... plus I deal with depression and anxiety... OH WOW, wouldn't know where that came from!
So, once again, I was trying and trying and REALLY trying... I was holding it together through the sighs of, "here we go again" from my family, I was holding it together through the, "I support you verbally, I don't know what else you expect me to do" then "I don't see how you expect me to do that" when I make suggestions on what else they could do. I was holding it together...
The temperature dropped on Sunday night... badly! So the heat in our house kicked on more... naturally. I woke up on Monday morning, got up to go to the bathroom to pee, and then spent almost 30 minutes dry heaving in the toilet with pain in my tiny tummy because dry heaving is hard enough on a normal someone, let alone a someone who has had her stomach shrunk by bariatric doctors... IT HURTS!!!
See, I have a VERY VERY strong sense of smell, and it's been more of an issue recently since we have not had the windows open, or the air on. Not quite sure why the heat makes it worse, but it does. Makes what worse? The cigarette smoke... the house was reeking with the strong odor of HEAVY cigarette smoke... at 5 am!
Yes, there is a smoker in my house... actually 2. My best friend who sees to it that he damages no one else's health but his own by smoking outside and away from others. Then there is my father-in-law, a 70 year old hard headed... person... who does not care who the heck he affects as long as he does what he wishes. This man smokes a new cigarette every 5-7 minutes!
AND thanks to my furnace, even though we have heavy curtains separating our side of the house and his, the furnace circulates this reeking smell throughout the house. It's been getting bad the last few weeks since the temperature has dropped.
Now since the surgery I have had a hard time being around cigarette smoke... breathing just a little makes me ill to my stomach and gives me one heck of a headache... (I don't get headaches). Which tells me it's not just the smell that is affecting me, its the smoke and of course, probably the carcinogens.
I am not the only one in the house who is being affected, my husband who has a very serious case of asthma, was born with it due to his mother and father smoking while she was pregnant. Then his lungs continued to be damaged after birth with the help of alchoholic OTC inhalers and of course living with a house full of chain smokers. He of course become one. When I found out how bad his asthma was about 4 years into our marriage, we both quit cold turkey.
So, we are almost at our 5 years anniversary of quitting! yea us!
So, my husband's use of his inhaler has almost tripled since we lost our home and had to move back into our older home where my father-in-law resides a little over a year ago. He has a consistent smokers cough and his allergies are BAD! So, of course, if he don't care about his son no more than that, then why should he care about me... he can't stand me anyhow.
Not to mention I am seriously concerned about my son and how it will affect him in the long run as well.
So, I woke up Monday morning, got sick, felt lousy, laid back down on the bed and ended up almost sleeping in and my whole day was bad. I called the doctor and spoke with her about the tests we ran about 2 weeks ago. I had to sneak out to see her because of how my husband responds to anything dealing with his dad.
She had suggested we do a step one methacholine test (MCT) to see if I was allergic to cigarette smoke... well, after 4 seconds of exposure to that particular stage of the MCT, the guy told me to quit and sent in the results... we got the tests back on Friday she said and we learned, I am very allergic to cigarette smoke!
That same day, I said something to my husband about being sick that morning because I had almost slept in, he said, "OMG, you wouldn't believe it too, he's not smoking cigarette tobacco, he is rolling his roll-your-owns with pipe tobacco! No wonder that smell is so strong and smells so bad!" I was like, TRAVIS! do you not know that inhaling pipe tobacco like that is VERY dangerous, not to mention you should NOT be breathing that heavy of a concentration constantly, no wonder I am sick!
He pulled his norm... "what am I suppose to do about it?"
So... new issues... every time I try to talk with my husband about ANYTHING his father does, I get the shun... his dad (in my view) is clearly more important than I am. Or rather he is scared of him, it's got to be one or the other. Anytime I ask him to deal with his dad on something I get, "well what am I suppose to do?" So, I didn't even tell him about the MCT or the results.
He makes excuses as to why he coughs constantly, saying that it's just his allergies. I try to point out to him the REAL why, or at least a contributor, and he excuses it away over and over... he won't deal.
And I can't... every time dad and I bump heads, it ends up being my fault in everyone's eyes because I should have just shut up and not made waves. So, I don't anymore.
The next obvious thought would be... just move...
Well, in the business we just took on an office building, trying to improve the business, which is just going to improve our lives and raise our income to a level where we CAN move out... for good! We also just took on an employee in the office to help me with the phone, sales, and keep me from having to do all this work alone. With the money we pay her, yea we could go ahead and move out, and be fine. But she is having such a hard time right now I feel down right terrible of letting her go when she has NO place decent to live and is working toward that very thing.
At least I have a place.
So, without sacrificing her, and her kids, I cannot afford to take on a home without raising my sales another 2-3 a week!
I feel like I am running into walls no matter which way I turn. I have no one I can talk to but this here blog, and most people will chose not to give advice on a subject so controversial anyway.
I am not trying to be dramatic, or poor me... I live sick any moment I am sitting in this house. Heck one of the reasons I wanted that office so bad was so I could get out of this house 6 days a week! But every time I walk back in it, I get sick to my stomach, bad headaches, can't think or concentrate, my head is fuzzy and dizzy, I feel major anxiety, and generally depressed with the huge urge to throw my hands in the air, give up and just curl up and cry till I waste away.
I can't work out in this house, I can't even breathe, and if I try to work out I breathe so hard, I get REALLY REALLY sick! I go in the kitchen to cook or prepare a meal and I am leaving the kitchen secretly every 10 minutes to throw up because of the air I am breathing. I normally avoid the kitchen/living room area as much as possible unless the windows are open. In this cold, that's not possible.
...AND it's imperative to be in the kitchen if I want to cook healthy meals. In the end I give up saying let's go out, or just go up and grab something... ANY reason to get out of the house for a bit, or until he goes to bed, so at least it's not quite as bad... or we just order a pizza and I hide in the back bedroom with the window open, trying to get SOME fresh air... but freezing... it's 25 degree's out tonight.
I managed to figure out that If I turn the vent on in our bathroom, when the heat kicks on, it helps to suck most of the air into the vent, but then it stays so cold in our bedroom, I feel like I am getting sick with my sinuses.
AND OMG if I come down with a sinus infection in this house, I will be SO SICK breathing this air, I am praying I don't get sick!
I don't know the answers, I give up on trying to find anyone who will care to hear, or listen, or talk.
What to do...
What to do...
Tuesday, November 05, 2013
Today has been a weird day. Every time I turned around I was confronted with the statement or question of second chances. The issue at work today... I was told I got a second chance to fix it. The bank thing that happened, I was told it was ok, that's why they are second chance accounts. At least 4 times today I heard those two words together, it was starting to feel creepy.
Then I come home and decided to finally sit down and watch the first episode of The Biggest Loser which I had set to record on my dvr but had avoided watching because it made me feel like a total loser (not in the way the show means either). And of course the theme this season... second chances!
After that I decided to watch an episode of Extreme Makeover Weight loss and watched an incredible story of Mike, who mentioned at least 3 or 4 times during the show about second chance this or second chance that.
Then almost the end of the show, Chris Powell does something he does all the time but not like this time... he makes a statement which hit home so hard:
Mike has family,
He owns his own business,
He has addiction to food,
He fought back and did it...
What's your excuse?
When he said "what's your excuse," he turned and looked right at me. Of course, he was looking into the camera which I have seen him do so many times, I mean he talks to the camera most of the time. But this time he really WAS looking straight at me, it felt like he was staring right into my soul.
So, I ask you...
Do you believe in coincidence?
Or do you believe in fate?
...literally reaching out and shaking you like "wake up and look around you girl, you cannot ignore this any longer!"
Granted I have had a second chance probably a zillion times...
I chose to believe!
Monday, November 04, 2013
Well, here I am... yet again.
I am not sure what I feel now days, I am not sure where I am headed or where I am even coming from. All I know is that I just can't live like this anymore.
I have lived in pain for too long...
I have spent the last 10 years of my life struggling for where I deserve to be in life. Struggling to find who I am and who I wish to be. I have found that I am someone who has blamed many things on where I am in life, and who I have become. I have found that I have blamed other people on my lot in life. I have discovered that I have played the victim many times.
Then the most amazing part come to light...
I have discovered I am strong. I am a survivor in many things. I am a person people can look up to. I do not have to be a victim, I can be a winner!
I have started my weight loss journey so many times I cannot even count anymore. I am not concentrating on that anymore. I am not concentrating on how many times I have failed. I cannot look at where I have been, only continue to look at where I am going.
Since I do not know where I wish to be heading then I am making it simple this time, I am just simply moving forward.
No more trying to reshape my whole life all at once.
No more trying to reach out to those who do not care.
No more bowing my head in shame from the things said to me when I fail.
Those that have judged me in the past can watch me walk away and take note of the view... my behind. See it, note it, and keep on standing in your own pool of judgmental soup, it's your own mess, stay there.
I will no longer whine and cry because those people hurt me.
I will no longer whine and cry because those people say they care but walk away.
I will no longer take it personal when someone wants to come clean up my yard when theirs is a mess as well.
If you do not wish to support me, then shut up! If you do not wish to eat what I eat, then fix it yourself! If you do not wish to see a bubbly, happy, person who just wants to be excited at how far she has come, then there is the door!
I will not let anyone drag me down anymore!
I am in control of my destiny and darn it, I am going to make something of it!
If you wish to join me, then stand beside me. If you wish to walk with me, then walk beside me. If you wish to laugh, then laugh with me.
I am taking back control of me and taking it away from those I have given it to in the past who just wish to use it, abuse it, and tear it to pieces!
I will not stand for it anymore!
I want to smile.
I want to be happy.
I want to finally be me!
Watch out world, I am finding my way back!
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