Thursday, April 07, 2011
Wow. I've found some inspiration today. Check out this fellow Spakers blog:
It was like he was talking directly to me at the end of it. Thank you so much for sharing this John. You have no idea how much it helped.
No more fighting against my body to loose this weight. It's a journey. Heart, mind, soul, and of course body. We all have to travel together or not at all.
Sorry. It's my little "a ha!" moment. Had to share. I'll be back later to continue this blog. Just need a bit of time to internalize it all and ...
************ 9:00 am
I just can't believe it took me this long to figure it out. The anger I've been feeling over the past few months. I KNOW that's a sign that there is an imbalance. My anger is protection. Protecting my fun-loving, enjoy life, younger self. I haven't been in touch with that part of me for a very long time. Buried away deep. To keep her from getting hurt. There is just so much hurting going on around here. I guess I just trusted the wrong people when I got to town. Not that they are all bad people, but I put a lot of my trust into a couple of people who I shouldn't have. Personality wise, I have learned they are not people I want to be around that often. Always having to be right. Always having to be the center of attention, good or bad. Backstabbing or gossiping about others around them to make themselves feel better. Just not something I am even remotely interested in.
But it has lead to severe isolation. I feel so cut off from everyone. I do know a few good people. Who are not like this. But I'm afraid to reach out to them. What if they reject me? What if I'm making mistakes in character judgement again? What if they turn out to be more similar to those I have cut myself off from that I thought?
Okay, to be completely honest, I don't even know how to reach out to others. It's hard to admit it, but I have no idea. I've become a professional at cutting myself off from others. I don't know how to reach out. How to break that shell and let anyone in. How do you admit to someone you only know casually that you feel so alone and need a friend? Admit you feel like you have none anymore? Without looking like a complete looser???
I'm serious. How? I have no idea anymore.
Colin, my room mate, is a good man. He has his problems, but overall, he's a good man. I don't want to hurt him. But he's insisting I become friends with a woman who I just can't stand being around. She is a very good friend of his. She is in love with him. She's married to someone else. She doesn't see a problem with groping Colin and another man in public at any time. I just can't be around this toxic behavior. All she talks about is how she hates her hubby. How she wants to leave. But she never does. There is nothing holding her back really. She knows she can leave. Personally, I think she likes the kind of attention she gets in this situation. I have told my room mate, I can't handle it anymore. I won't sit there and listen to her bitch about him anymore. I won't listen to him bitch about her hubby anymore either. IT'S HER CHOICE. SHE IS CHOOSING TO STAY THERE.
I know there are situations where a woman feels she can't leave. Where she is being beaten, etc. This is not one of them. Just wanted to make that clear. I am not heartless. I have councelled many women in this situation. I don't believe they realize they have a choice. That they can go. The are trapped. This lady is not trapped, and she knows it.
Anyhow, you can see how much this whole situation bothers me. Maybe I've gotta work though it some more. Get it out of my system so I can move past. I need to find a way to not let it get to me. To be okay with how she wants to live her life. It would be so much easier for me though if it weren't thrown in my face all the time....
But that's not all that's going on. There's more under that. I am still hurting. Hurting because of all I lost this past year. I lost my marriage. I lost my kids. I lost my dog. I lost everything I own. Actually, my ex has been great about it all. Anything I want, I can go and get. I just won't . My kids need it. They are with him. They can keep it all.
Top it all off. Despite my actions, My ex is still there for me. Supportive. He's taking care of my kids - they are not his.
I'm not happy here. I am working, and that makes me happy. I like my job, for the most part. I like my boss - he's a great manager. Very good at what he does. But this place is so toxic. Everyone thinks the only way to get ahead is to backstab and gossip. Not a healthy place to work by any means. I would have invited my son to come down with me and work here, but I don't want to expose him to this crap.
Top it all off with the fact I just don't feel secure here. That friend of my room mate, the lady? Well, her husband has taken to stalking me. It's incredibly un-nerving to see him there every time you turn around. Or to see his truck driving by. Or just to see him staring from across the room. Yes, it's a small town. But there's co-incidence, and there's the crap I'm putting up with out of this freak.
Lately he's stopped physically stalking me. But I'm finding out he's following me on facebook, etc. I'm having to edit my friends list. To remove everyone who is mutual friends with him. Just to keep him from seeing my page. Because of dance, I have my security settings to allow friends of friends to see some of my stuff.
I hate having some creep who doesn't understand that he has no right to put his hands on me dictate my actions. I am so done with it.
I have a lot to think about. A lot to work through.
Okay. Time to start gearing up for my run today. Not running over to the restaurant for lunch. Instead, going to be running up and down the highway out here by work. I can focus on just running. Not so much traffic and noise to worry about today. Just me and the open road. I am looking forward to it. A chance to work though my thoughts for the day. There sure are a lot of them today.
I just kicked butt. Had by best run in over a year. I ran 90% of 3 miles. In total, covered 3.28miles. 40 minutes. It feels great. I wish I was able to run the entire 30min, but I'll get there soon!