Thursday, September 23, 2010
Well, I am feeling pretty good today. I applied for quite a few jobs online yesterday in Saskatchewan. I was honest with each application. I am living 8 hours away and am relocating. Well, yesterday I got an email back within the hour. From that company, I recieved 3 emails and a phone call yesterday. I feel about 80% confidant I'm going to get a job offer from that company. By the end of the phone call, I told them that with a solid job offer, I could be there within 48 hours to start work. Based on the tentative numbers we discussed, I would be willing to relocate for that position.
This morning, I got an email from the local law office there. They are willing to set up a telephone interview in order to consider me for the position. I am looking forward to that opportunity to talk to them as well.
Things are starting to look up. I am excited about these changes. When I get to Estevan, I am going to start to look into becoming a dance instructor right away. I am so excited. I haven't felt this good about things going so well in my life in a long long time.
I am getting ready to start making my lists. What to bring. What to prepare. What to have ready for when I come back to continue moving out east.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Well, for anyone who has been following my life over this past year...
I am slowly healing. This past weekend I went to Edmonton to dance for the weekend. Had a lot of fun. I was getting text messages from John. Not a problem. He wants to stay friends. I'm actually okay with that. Besides, if I am honest, I do miss him still. I think I will for a while. Well, on Saturday it started. The cheap shots meant to upset me. Continued into Sunday.
On Sunday night I called him. Two reasons. One to hear his voice. The other to let him know how it is. At the end of the call, I told him I had a reason for calling and wanted to say something. Enough with the cheap shots. I figured they were because he was mad at me - mad because I was out having fun and he was alone. HELLO! He kicked me out. End of discussion. I also let him know I was not willing to deal with anymore of his cheap shots right now. 6 months from now, maybe. Right now, no. I told him it was because I still care about him, and I am really missing him right now. However, that being said, nothing could EVER get me to come back. NOTHING. I meant it. My head is screwed up about all of this still, and there is NO WAY I would let my heart take over again when it comes to him. PERIOD. It was his decision. It's done. I told him he sent me away, so if he missed me, talk to me about it. I'll listen. I know it's still there for me. So what. It won't change what happened, and who he is. However, as a friend who still cares for him I would prefer being talked to than having him take cheap shots at me.
Well, he laughed - nervous laughter. I did get a few text messages from him after that call. He is struggling with this I think, but it's life. I am setting boundaries and if he doesn't like it, he can just get lost. END OF DISCUSSION. You want to be part of my life after the way you treated me, then you do it by my rules. If not, I know how to erase you from my life completely. I can block numbers on my cell phone and delete friends on facebook. It's not hard.
I am just so tired now. I am having to get back to life. A life I tried to leave behind. I just don't know anymore. A friend of mine wants me to move to Estevan. There is a lot of work out there. I could also become a dance instructor there. There are some good reasons to go. However, I am afraid of being alone there. My friend is just that - a very good friend. He helped me get away from John when the time came. However, he is so angry. Very bitter. He and I talked about it last night. I think he is starting to realize why he is so angry - he's lonely. Very lonely.
I don't do well with angry bitter people. However, with Colin, I am working on him. He will talk to me. So I am pushing a little bit here and there. I am trying to get through to him that life can be fun. Open up to people. Look at what happened when you opened up to me.
No matter what happens, I am hoping Colin and I will always be friends.
Bruce sat down last night and talked to me. I have been under the impression for months now that he just wanted me to go. I guess I was wrong. He is asking me for another chance. I just don't know if I even know how to do that. I have no idea what to do next.
I am looking for work. I am also getting back to dance lessons here in Calgary. Planning on trying to go to Las Vegas in December. Maybe I should train to run the half marathon that weekend too. It would help get me back on track with fitness and nutrition as well. I still do want to become a dance instructor. Maybe if I focused here until the end of December, we could move to Saskatchewan and start over there next year? Bruce does want to move anyhow. Then we are both out of this city, this house, this mess here. It will give me a chance to try and start to do something I love, and Bruce would be closer to his kids. Then if it doesn't work, he could much more easily relocate to be with his kids.
Sorry for rambling. Thanks for listening though...
Sunday, September 19, 2010
There was a dance competition in Edmonton this past weekend - River City Dance Festival. With John kicking me out, and Bruce needing my van back I had to return to Calgary on Tuesday this past week. Well, I decided to see if I could take in the dance weekend. Bruce helped me with some cash and away I went.
It was a lot of fun. Lots of dancing. Lots of friends.
The best part was the two step jack and jill competition. It's where they line up all the guys ( or leaders) and pair them up with all the ladies ( or followers). Well, I have been leading two step for the past year. I decided to enter the competition as a Jack. There were about 12-15 couples on the floor. I was paired up with a friend of mine from Edmonton Corina. Well, we danced and had a tonne of fun. I figured the judges would look at us and decide I couldn't lead so no use watching, or we would place fairly low. The other leaders on the floor are incredible. Some are instructors.
Well, they announced 3rd place, and I knew the couple. Both were great dancers. He is an incredible leader. I know. I've danced with him. Well, then they announced 2nd place. Katrina and Corina. We were both surprised. It was great. So happy.
Then the contest co-ordinator told me he was really impressed with my leading. He said it showed that I connected with my partner, and was focused on her and what she was doing and what she was capable of. That and the new ducks and turns I learned this weekend did it for us. We came in 2nd to a couple who both dance 2 skill levels above us. No shame in that. None at all.
Overall it was a good weekend.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Well, the crash came. Last Sunday. I am no longer living in where I was. It is over. No talking about it. No discussing what is really going on. Just leave. I packed up the next day and left. It has been hard, but I am not at all surprised. He would get mad, say he would get over it, hold a grudge and never let it go.
I really have no idea what happened. He originally wanted me to do what I love. I was on track to start teaching dance lessons. When I was packing up and trying to talk to him, he told me he wanted no part of that. It was not what he wanted for his future. I was thinking only of me, not us. I told him, I could earn money to help us. However, I do not sing or play music. How could I do that? He knew that going into this.
There is obviously something more. I just wish I knew what it was. Maybe he wanted a mindless drone to keep his house spotless? I am starting to think so. He told me I was going to do whatever I wanted anyway, so I should just leave and do it. What was he thinking? I wanted to take care of him, but not with 100% of my time and life. When I was working all week, he would go out and do stuff. All week long. Appologizing for not getting stuff done around the house. On my one day off, I went to do things for me. Yes, I was out later than I planned, but it happens. I got home to be told to leave. If I was going to just take off and do my own thing, I should just go.
I finally had it. I packed up and left. There is a tiny part of me that is wondering. Should I have stayed and fought? I don't think so. I think it would have given him a reason to ridicule me. I tried talking to him on that day. Even after I left, I talked to him. Told him what I wanted. He wanted no part of it.
Now he's asking me to transport a gift for his daughter for him - about a 20 hour drive. Is he nuts? After everything he thinks I'm going to be willing to do this? What a heartless ass.
I woke up after having nightmares last night. Nightmares about him. I now in my head I am better off. However, my heart is hurting so much. I am actually really surprised how much my heart is hurting. Part of me has known for a while - ever since that first fit he threw and made me cry so much - that we were not meant for each other. I was just hoping we could work through our differences. It takes people time to learn to live together. I figured if I gave a little, and he gave a little, then we could compromise. However, he gave nothing. Instead, he took more and more. The more I tried to give, the less acceptable it was to him. I just can't do this anymore. I know this is for the best. I just wish my heart would stop hurting so much...
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Well, I'm living in limbo right now. Things at home are great. I have noticed, the better things are going, the harder the crash when John decides to loose it. I am just waiting for his next tantrum. At least I now am ready to just pack up and go next time it happens. I am serious. I am ready to just leave and possibly never look back.
However, right now things are great. He is actually being attentive to me again. Something I was starting to think might never happen again. I am even getting hugs all the time. I am having to ask for them, but I'm getting them. He is laughing about how many hugs I ask for in a day. I just smile and tell him I am worth every one, and I deserve every one. He just grins and hugs me tighter. It's kind of nice.
I am hoping this lasts a little while this time. If not, I guess it's his loss. I am not going to fight to get this guy to be attentive to me. He is either going to do it because he wants me in his life, or he won't have me there much longer.
On a better note, I am starting to feel better. Surprising when the one you care about is being more attentive. It makes everything in life so much better. He made breakfast for both of us this morning. It was nice. He is planning to make supper too - grilled salmon. If he doesn't I will cook it up.
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