Friday, May 07, 2010
Okay. Time to admit it to myself. I am in love. I know it is not returned at this point, but I can't help how I feel.
I have 4 - possibly 5 - days off now. It is taking all I have in me to not get in my van and drive 10+hours to go see him. We talked about it. He is not happy at work right now - even considering quitting. I hope he doesn't. If he can hang in there even for just a while, it will do a lot of good. However, if he really hates it, I am sure he can find something else.
All that being said, I really want to talk to him. I mean really talk. None of this light "hows the weather there" stuff. I need some answers. Based on the talks we have had recently, I think he could be game, but I'm not sure.
I need to know. If he never plans on coming to Calgary to be with me, I am willing to leave and go to where he is. I am willing to pick up my life and start over. I just need to know. Do I keep fighting here, and re-establish myself, or do I go there and fight to get established there?
Maybe I should just pick up and go. If I am there in person, we can really talk. I can decide what I need and want to do.
I am just so confused.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Okay, I have finished 2 days of work. Work is going okay. Not a problem at all. Not very many hours, but I will worry about that next week.
However, that being said, I have not been back on track to tackle my mountain. I have instead been focused on what I needed to do over the past 2 days. John got work out west. He was passing through on Tuesday. I at least got to have lunch with him. No hug. He spent more time on his phone trying to get maps, etc for the rest of his trip. It just made me miss him even more.
Today was a hard day. I just kept thinking about him. Why can't I shake this?
I would have gone running, but the snow here has kept me inside. I know. Its a cop out. I need to get past this. I know the sooner I start to run, the sooner I will start to feel better.
Starting to think about plans to fix the house in Antler for John. Need him to send $$ for it, but I am willing to put in the hours. It needs to be cleaned and organized. If I can find a product called Fibrewall, I will pick some up and finish the living room walls. The exterior needs to be painted. I have painted interior rooms, but never exterior siding. How do you do it anyhow? Rollers? Brushes? Or a sprayer? I guess I am willing to learn. Might even get him some furniture for the house. It all depends on whether or not he wants to pay for it.
That all being said, I am kinda looking forward to getting away for a while. John is working in BC - about 10 hours west of here. We need to discuss if and when he wants me to come visit. If he is sharing the hotel room, it makes it a little more costly for me to travel to see him. Means we need a separate room. Not a big deal, but it does add to the costs.
I know. Its time to get these guys out of my head and focus on me and what I need and want.
I need to book my weekly dance lessons soon. I also should go and practice. I just can't make myself get up out of bed and do it. Not a good sign. Maybe I should challenge myself to get up and go social dancing tomorrow night. Just dance. No texts, no phone calls. Just dance.
I have a busy day at work tomorrow. I am kinda looking forward to it. Physical exertion. Always a good thing.
Tomorrow the plan is to work. Then go social dancing. Try to leave the phone alone - maybe make 1-2 texts, and only 1 phone call. Stay out dancing until 10pm - really get in a good evening of dancing.
Then I need to start to focus on my mountain again.
I weighed in yesterday morning. The scale said 206lbs. That is 11lbs over my original goal weight. A little higher than I thought, but not a big deal. I am going to deal with this the same way I have in the past. Outline my 2lbs per week weight loss goals, and then focus on these small goals each week to get there.
I can't wait to get a rocking bikini body this year. The sooner I get started, the sooner I will reach my goals. Enough with these guy troubles. Time to focus on my goals and what I want. I can do this. I will feel so much better once I get back on track.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Time for me to focus on me and my goals again. I guess the best way to do this is to begin by defining them. What do I want.
1. Run a marathon this year.
2. Compete at UCWDC Worlds and place in the top 5
3. Be able to financially support myself this year.
Okay, for goal 1 - Run a marathon this year, I need to:
a. Get back on track with my running program.
b. Decide what race I am going to run – thinking of the rock and roll in Las Vegas in December, since I am planning on being there for a dance competition that weekend.
These two things should get me prepared, ready and able to run.
For goal 2 - Compete at UCWDC Worlds and place in the top 5, I need to:
a. Practice, practice, practice – at least 3-4 times per week in addition to my lessons is almost necessary.
b. Weekly lessons – easy enough to do.
c. Earn enough money to go to the competitions. Portland should be okay. Edmonton is fairly easy. Las Vegas? However, worlds will be expensive.
d. Design and make new dance costumes.
Biggest issues will be getting out to practice more and more. Also financial.
For goal 3 - Be able to financially support myself this year, I need to:
a. Work. I need to find work with enough hour and pay to make it all work.
I am working now. Pay is not great. Hours suck. However, it is a start. It also gives me weekends off, so I can get out of town if I want to. I need to keep pushing the maid service, and carpet cleaning. If I can book more of these self employment opportunities, it will pay off for me in the long run.
I am also looking into advertising wedding photography, and possibly carpet and floor cleaning services back in Saskatchewan and Manitoba. Advertising is really REALLY inexpensive. It will also give me a reason to go there and help take care of the house for John while he’s away working. There is work to do upstairs. Lots of organization to do. He also wants to apply Fiberwall to the livingroom. If I can find it, I want to get it done for him. I guess I will see what happens.
The bonus, without even really trying to, weight loss is kinda built into this. Training for my marathon will help with weight loss. Not that I have lots of weight left to loose. I am not 100% sure right now, but I am only 10lbs over my original weight loss goals. I can only loose an additional 10-15lbs before I am starting to loose too much weight. That’s a total of 25lbs.
However, that all said, it would be nice to have a rockin’ bikini body this summer. I believe I can do it. The sooner I start training, the sooner so many other parts of my life will fall into place also. My physical and mental health will both benefit so much from the exercise. Let me tell you, I really REALLY need it. I feel like I am loosing my mind somedays right now. It’s these relationship problems.
Who knows? Maybe I will realize that I deserve better than both of these guys and will be ready to just move on completely.
I will be getting on a scale again within the next couple of days to see where my weight is. Last time I was on a scale, I was back up to just over 200lbs. I believe it was around 204 or 205. I was a little disappointed. I worked so hard to get below 200lbs by Jan 1. Then I reached my original goal weight of 195 by my birthday in Feb. I was not really trying to loose weight between Jan and Feb. Life got in the way. Working 12+ hrs per day in an oil rigs camp in Northern Alberta. I did watch what I was eating, and tried to run when I could. Then I went on a run away with someone I met up north – 6 weeks on the road. Much harder to watch what I was eating, and almost impossible to keep to a running regiment. Okay, honesty time. I didn’t really care to keep up with my running during this time. I should have – the mental health benefits would have been great.
Now I know I need the benefits. I am going to focus on my goals and what I want to get this year. Enough of what others want from me.
Tomorrow I am starting a new job. It is going to be a busy day. I am focused more on just being able to get the work done, and doing it well. I need to round up my iPod, make sure I have some clothes that will let me focus on work and not on what I am wearing, my cleaning supplies and gloves, and something for lunch. We are out of groceries, so I will need to be creative. There are 4 houses to be done tomorrow. I often run out of energy after the 3rd. Doing a 4th house is often more than I can handle on a good day. Here’s hoping I can find a way to make this work.
I need to find a way to do it, and be happy while doing it. I often get tired and frustrated. Not a good thing. I need to just enjoy the work, and have fun doing it. It makes the job so much easier.
Anyhow, this blog has taken an bit of a turn. It was meant to be focusing on my goals. They are listed. Now to start to take the baby steps I need to take in order to reach these goals. Tomorrow I should define the small stone of the week – the goals I want to reach in the next 7 days. Actually, I might make the stones for Sun-Sat. That means this stone will be smaller than most. It will be the first one of this journey, so it should be small anyhow. It will also be for only half a week – that makes it even smaller. Maybe I should call it a pebble.
Monday, May 03, 2010
I just don't get it. When I blogged last night, John was not answering my calls or returning my texts. About 10 minutes later, he started returning my texts. He did call, and it was as if nothing happened. I told him I still needed to really talk to him. He never did call back for that talk.
This morning, he seemed mad at me. When I called him on it, he brushed it off. I have talked to him. He is crazy busy now.
I just don't know how to deal with this. I really need to know how he feels. Does he care? Or am i Just a convenience? When I ask, he gets mad. If I don’t know, then I don’t know him that well. No kidding. I don’t know him that well. That’s why I am so insecure and need reassurances. Hello!
Why is it so hard?
Anyhow, on a brighter note, I am starting to work tomorrow. It is barely part time - averaging 20 hours per week. Not a lot, but better than nothing. I am looking forward to starting to work again. I have been out of work for too long. I have been worried about being able to pay my rent, etc. Not that these hours will help with much more than just my rent, but at least I will have a roof over my head.
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