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I have finally discovered that the weight of the world is way WAY to heavy for me to keep carrying i

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I discovered something this past week. When I was away at work, I felt so free. So happy. Like I could do anything. Then I noticed that as it came closer and closer to going home, I felt more and more "weight" in my back and on my shoulders. I realized it was the weight of the world. No wonder I am so depressed when I am here. I carry to much stress. I could feel it coming on as I got ready to come back home.

Part of me knows I have responsibilities. I need to be responsible at times, but I do not need to carry this much responsibility. It's too much. It is taking a toll on me.

I need to find a way to bring that care free happy person back here. I need to find a way to switch. To be responsible when I need to be, and then to be care free when I can. I need to bring that home with me.

No more long term commitments. No more Stressors. I just need to find a way to be happy. With that, I also am going to find romance again. Let me rephrase that. I am not searching it out. Rather, I am opening up to the possibility of romance finding me again. Enough settling and believing I have to live without it for the rest of my life. No more settling for me at all. You want me to be in your life, you are going to have to work for it. Work to get into my life. Work to stay there. Mo more staying together out of obligation. I am sick and tired of obligations. I am done with them. The only ones I am sticking with have to do with my kids. Period.

I already feel so liberated by writing this all out. I can't wait to tackle another care free day tomorrow. Yippee!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LEEDZ09 2/16/2010 2:19PM

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AREBMAN 2/16/2010 12:13PM

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MARIADALE 2/16/2010 8:13AM

    Good plan to release your burdens.

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NANC304 2/16/2010 7:56AM

    Good for you! It's hard to let go of things, but we need to.

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WINDSONG~ 2/16/2010 5:28AM

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WIKIUP 2/16/2010 5:14AM

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NANCYLEE46 2/16/2010 4:46AM

    Thanks for sharing BLUEROSE
I needed to read this
Just remember - You bring you wherever you go.
Miss you in group.

Nancy

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BONSAIAMAZONE 2/16/2010 4:28AM

    True words! We can become addicted to worrying about stuff instead of being happy. Itīs a big- no enormous goal to change that. emoticon

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FLARE68 2/16/2010 4:18AM

    You go girl!! I with you on this. Learning to see what belongs to me and what doesn't is a hard task. And the romance thing...I"m with you on this too! :) emoticon

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B28680 2/16/2010 3:54AM

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The Law of Attraction

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I have heard about this principle a few times. Part of me believes it, but I have not every tried it. Now is as good a time as any to give it a try. I have attracted something into my life, without even knowing it. Now I am thinking I want to try and direct it.

I want romance. Not lust. I want someone to sweep me off my feet. To make me feel like the most important person in the world to them. Someone who makes me believe that they feel lucky to have me notice them. Someone who not only wants me in their life, but are willing to work at it to keep me there.

I have had a lot of interest over the past few weeks. Some of it is interest I am not even willing to look at. However, some has really turned my head around. I am seeing a new side to me. I have felt so lost and empty for years now. I thought I had given up on romance. I actually had. I settled for someone who would not or would not do anything romantic for me ever. I thought I could do without romance, but I now know different.

I am looking to move out of the house with my kids. However, to do that I need to be working. Yes, I have a couple of big paycheques coming in, but they are committed to bills and other things I want to accomplish this year. I have already made one phone call today. I have a couple more I want to make tomorrow. I actually have some encouragement from the sidelines to go back into business for myself and work hard to get ahead again. I actually believe I might be able to accomplish this. I have more support than I thought. My son is even wanting me to get back into it and hire him back on. I know I can do it. I have done it in the past. I still have access to all the equipment. Maybe it is time to give it another shot.

Despite the events of yesterday, I am not destroyed. I thought I might be. Tonight I found out I am not the only one who lost my job. No one is really sure if the budget got cut and that's leading to some of it, or if it is just Wayne's way of dealing with the stress that is falling on his shoulders. He is firing people left, right, and center. 6 more today. I went yesterday. However, he told me that my position was being phased out. It was not a nasty thing like apparently happened today. John told me just how ugly it got today. He even got into it with Wayne. In the end, John is moving to Wapasu for a room that does not smell of sewage. They refuse to get him a new livable trailer without sewage problems. They told him to deal with it or go to Wapasu. He told them fine, going to Wapasu. Now instead of being on site for 24 hour on call, he will be over 45minutes away - 20min to warm up the vehicle, then a 25min drive to the camp. Smart a$$ he is, he tried to get himself fired today I think. It didn't work. Well, it didn't work yet anyhow. Who knows. Maybe things are in the works to get John replaced as I write this. I guess I will find out soon.

My son is hoping I get a business back up and running. He is worried the company he is working for is going to be going under soon. He wants to work now. I can't believe how much he is turning himself around. I told him if he works as hard as I know he can, I would hire him on as a supervisor for the company.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. I want to make some phone calls. I also want to get myself organized and back on track. I also want to get back on track with my dance lessons. Maybe get into the WCS boot camp lessons.

It is now 1:30am. time for me to get offline and try to get some rest. Tomorrow I should go and buy a new bed. I really need one. Good night everyone.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LEEDZ09 2/16/2010 2:17PM

    Way to go Katrina, you can do this :o)

Sorry you lost your job, things will pass & be better *hugs*

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SALDRU 2/16/2010 8:21AM

    I want to say emoticon for realizing that you are worth someone who loves you and wants you to realize you are loved.

I'm sorry you've lost your job. It seems like most of the people I talk to (including us) is out of work right now. I hope you get your business up and running and do so well that you can hire some of the unemployed.


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Today

Sunday, February 14, 2010

I really feel bad right now. It has a little something to do with the crap that rolled down hill and landed on me, but more to do with the crap that didn't get me.

My boss lost it. My work was done, but that doesn't matter. Anyhow, like I said, the crap that hit me in the head is not a big deal. He is stressed, and that's how it works here.

I feel worse for the crap that landed on someone elses head. I feel responsible for it. I was never told it was a problem to go to Wapasu for pool. I still haven't been told it can't be done. Instead, it was masked as my work is not done so what am I thinking going off camp. Reality is, my work is done. It is done well before the 8pm meeting I go to every day. I am supposed to do 12 hour shifts - I am doing closer to 14hour. I don't mind, but what makes them think I will be working later and later into the evening. If I am up early and in the office early, I should be leaving early.

Anyhow, enough ranting. I know I am doing my job and doing it well. The bosses issues have more to do with crap being dumped on him rather than me. I am okay with that. Well, not really, but I don't feel responsible here.

However, the person who has been taking me to play pool got it worse. He was basically told if he wanted to go to Wapasu, pack his bags and go. We are not really sure if the boss wants him out, or if he was just venting. Either way, that's that.

I feel so bad. I feel responsible for this one. I was the one to suggest it in the first place. Yes, John did want to go each day and relax for a while. Heck, so did I. I was getting to enjoy the time away from the walls of the camp. However, it does not ease my guilt. John told me to not worry about it. He made the decision as much as I did.

In the meantime, I find myself sitting in my office with a pit in my stomach today. I don't think it would bother me as much if it all came down on me. I did not know it was such a big deal. In fact, I don't see how or why it is. I guess I need to find another way to unwind. Maybe I will go out with a camera and take some pictures tonight. Lord knows I won't be resting.

I am going home tomorrow for a few days - coming back to work on Saturday. It's my birthday tomorrow. There is a party on Thursday night. I am really looking forward to it. I need a day to just let my hair down and let loose.

Actually, I was realizing today that I feel so free. I am really enjoying life these past few months. However, as the date for my flight home again approaches, I am getting more and more stressed. I can almost feel the weight of the world coming down on my shoulders again. I am getting so tired of that.

I have not done anything to cheat. However, that being said, my eyes are wandering and I am taking interest in some people. My "pool" partner of this past week in particular. Honestly, I am not sure if he really even is my type. I am just enjoying having someone there to talk to. Someone to spend time with. And I do enjoy spending time with him. I am sorta sad that when all is said and done, we may loose touch with eachother. I have his email and cell number, and he has mine, but we all know how things like this go. That all being said, we have not cross the friendship line. I like that, because we can always keep that part. I just find myself thinking of him more and more...

I think that might be why I feel so guilty. Because I look so forward to it, and it got him into some trouble. I really need to put it out of my mind for a while. It is making this pit in my stomach worse and worse.

Anyhow, that all said, since I thought this might be coming down the pipe last night I mentioned something. I was going to ask him to come to Fort Mac to pick me up when I come back to camp on the comercial flight on Saturday. I told him since we were likely to get into trouble for this, he was likely not able to do it after all. Well, not so. He agreed to come in and pick me up from the airport on Saturday. I will have to book my flight soon so I can tell him when I get into town. I am really kinda hoping he can do it. It would be nice to have a nice hour plus long drive back to camp. A chance to just talk, listen to the radio, just enjoy each others company.

I really love these blogs. I feel so much better already.

Happy Valentines Day everyone

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISANANCY 2/14/2010 7:53PM

    Just when you think you have all the facts, you DO NOT. Support your boss. This is not what you are feeling but you will benefit. Maybe just going easy on him and yourself. You will eventually find out what was the problem and you will be in a good position. Maybe his mother is ill, you don't know emoticon

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Today

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Honestly, today started out really badly. First thing into my office Glenn came in hollering about a note left in his room. Within minutes, I realized I did not leave him the note, and he should be taking this out on someone else. Needless to say, I was angry.

Then I have all sorts of people coming into my office looking for supplies. Of course, my last
Staples shipment is lost AGAIN! No idea where it is, or if I will ever see it. I went to the Drilling co-ordinator (big boss on this job) and told him I needed a credit card and a ride to town. He said no card, but call and set up a charge account. As for the ride, yes find one and go.

As I was leaving his office, I told him if he needed me to knock lightly on my door. When he asked why, I told him. "Someone crapped in my cornflakes first thing this morning and I don't want to return the favor to the next guy, so my door is closed until I can shrug this off". Soda nearly came out of his nose. Then he told me if it would make me feel better, to go around the camp and randomly fire people. I like that idea.

Within 10 minutes, I had the charge account set up and was looking for a ride. I called the bus drivers, as they have a bus going to town and back today for a flight. Turns out I missed it, but Bill asked why I was looking for the bus. Well, I told him and he offered to drive me to town tomorrow during the day. I let Mike (head boss around here) know it's all set up. Mike offered to buy us lunch - get a nice lunch and bill me for it.

Looks like I am going to get out of here for a few hours tomorrow. I can't wait.

Not bad for a day that started off so lowsey.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNNINGWILD 2/11/2010 1:28AM

    Sooo who'd ya fire? And, what's for lunch?

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JENSHAWN 2/9/2010 3:11PM

    See ....patience is a virtue. In just a short span it sounds like your day had turned around!

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Today

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Tonight was a good night. I went to Wapasu to play pool again for a while. John took me tonight. He got back to camp today. He is so over the top stressed. As soon as I suggested that that is what I have been doing to vent, he jumped right on it. He offered to take me. So off we went. He really was stressed. We spent the whole time just goofing off. He was showing me how good he is at playing pool, and I was showing him how good I am at cheating. I tried almost every trick in the book to distract him. Overall it was a fun evening. I let him know I am interested in going again. He basically said to just ask. He had fun too. We spent the whole time just laughing and having fun.

It has felt like forever since I just laughed and had fun. No stressing about what I should be doing. Stressing about being out of work. Stressing about all the stress surrounding me in my real life. I find I am really loving this time here.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISANANCY 2/9/2010 12:14PM

    Ah, laughing, just laughing, music for the soul emoticon

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NANC304 2/9/2010 11:01AM

    Good for you! Be sure you take time to enjoy life and spend some time laughing. It's so good for you.

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IZZYBEBOP 2/9/2010 10:58AM

    You deserve to have a good time!

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SPARKPIXIE 2/9/2010 8:09AM

    I'm glad you are laughing and having fun Katrina!

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MARIADALE 2/9/2010 7:08AM

    Laughter is very healing. Glad you had a fun, relaxed evening.

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WINDSONG~ 2/9/2010 5:44AM

    Glad you had a fun time. You deserved it.

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