Wednesday, July 04, 2012
It's time to say good-bye.
Good-bye to Tammy.
Thank you for being there when I needed a friend last fall. I forgive you for using me. I know you needed my help last fall, and I don't regret that. I felt that you needed the help, and you were there for me. I don't regret one minute of it.
Since then, we were there for each other on and off for the last 6 months. It was getting more and more off. I told you I didn't want to loose you as a friend, and was hoping we could work it out and stay close.
But I didn't realize how the drugs would become more important to you than anything else - even more so than your kids.
I forgive you for turning to drugs instead of asking for help.
I forgive you for abandoning your kids with me, and leaving me stranded two weeks ago.
I forgive you for trying to patch things up between Terry and I, even though it was not the right thing to do. You were just trying to do what you felt I needed at the time.
I am sorry that I can't be there for you anymore. It's costing me too much of myself.
I wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do in your life. I just can't jeopardize mine with your lifestyle. I'm sorry
I really did love you. I guess I still do. Love doesn't go away, and I haven't given you the chance to completely kill it. I guess I never will.
I am sorry that you do not know how to communicate what you want/need.
I am sorry that I do not fit for you.
I forgive you for how you've treated me. You don't know any better.
It's time for me to move on. What you are offering me is not something either one of us will be happy with for long. I need more. You are stuck.
I am sorry I am not able to be there for you.
I am sorry I am not able to help you kick this habit.
I am sorry, but I won't watch you do this to yourself.
You told me once you often kick yourself the day after you do drugs. You are so down on yourself for falling back into that trap. If you ever want to talk, or just need a friend to be there, let me know. I'm a good listener. That's all I can do for you though. I can't invest anymore of myself. It's costing me far too much.
Since you're not actually ever going to see this, I'm not worried about you ever taking me up on that offer. So I need to keep in straight in my head. If it seems like you are turning to me for friendship, it's only for sex. You once told me the only time you were happy in this past year was when we were together. So I gave you a chance to show me that. To show me my friendship mattered and was important to you. It's been over a week since I've heard from you. I sent you a text last Wednesday asking how you were. You never answered. I get it. You were on a binge. I guess a part of me was hoping when Monday came you'd get a hold of me. Let me know you were okay. But it's looking like you are so down on yourself about it all that you are too embarrassed to contact me again.
I forgive you for that. You don't know any better. You just don't understand.
So to allow myself to heal, I need to say good-bye. I love you, but there is no room in my life for you. I'm sorry.
I have one more good-bye to say. It's time for me to say good-bye to my protective layer of fat I've added on since moving to Estevan.
You have been protecting me from all of these outside attacks on my heart, but it's time to shed the layer of protection. I need to trust Lee to not hurt me, and to protect me from more of this hurt. It's time to trust his judgement on things, especially around Tammy/Terry. He's trying to protect me. Now it's time to let him.
And it's time to shed this layer as well. I am feeling weak carrying it around.
I want to feel strong again. I want to feel in control of something in my life again. I want to re-gain my body.
Finally, I forgive me.
I forgive me for how much this all hurts.
I forgive me for loving Tammy so much that I let her take advantage.
I forgive me for loving Terry.
I forgive me for trying to hide all of this
I forgive me for not standing up to Tammy when I felt she was abandoning her kids.
I forgive me for giving her the benefit of the doubt
I forgive me for being angry with myself for giving her that benefit, especially when I found out I was wrong
I forgive me for being wrong
I forgive me for being so confused and lost with all of this.
I forgive me for dealing with it all the only way I know how.
I forgive me for still wanting to hear from Tammy/Terry.
I forgive me for needing to know I matter to them