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Day 28 - July 3

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

I am still sleeping very restlessly. Mostly due to the heat.

I am trying to eat more calories. But today I'm thinking I'll start to actually weigh my foods. No more visual guess work. Maybe that's my mistake.

Anyhow, I'm still not loosing weight.

Today my heart is very heavy. I blogged it all out. It's a Tammy/Terry and generally sad stuff. I'm trying to say good-bye to all this toxic crap in my life today.

I tried to go for a run this morning, but I have too much on my mind. I wasn't able to just run and let it flow. It weighed me down.

Last night I started the prebiotics. I had one dose of the prebiotic, and one dose of something to prevent gas and bloating. I felt okay. Didn't notice any symptoms last night. I'll keep it down to one dose a day for the next few days. If it all goes well, I'll add a morning dose as well.

This morning, I added the B-12 as well. It's a once daily liquid vitamin supplement. I sure am hoping it will help pull me out of this funk.

So other than feeling a little sad and frustrated, I'm doing well today.

I sure wish this would pass. Based on what I'm eating, I should be feeling great. Strong. But this sadness has me a little weighed down lately.


I'm having some abdominal distress tonight. Cramping. The naturopath warned me I might have some issues with cramping and gas from the probiotics. I am taking the medication to help prevent gas and bloating, but I'm getting more and more uncomfortable tonight. I just took my second dose of it a few minutes ago, so hopefully it'll help with this.

At least I only have 2 weeks of this.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    You mind is very powerful. Change your minder and you will change your results. Take charge of your feelings. How you feel is a choice. You can choose to let the heaviness go. If you are a person of faith offer your fears and heaviness to God. You can beat this.

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More personal stuff

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

It's time to say good-bye.

Good-bye to Tammy.

Thank you for being there when I needed a friend last fall. I forgive you for using me. I know you needed my help last fall, and I don't regret that. I felt that you needed the help, and you were there for me. I don't regret one minute of it.

Since then, we were there for each other on and off for the last 6 months. It was getting more and more off. I told you I didn't want to loose you as a friend, and was hoping we could work it out and stay close.

But I didn't realize how the drugs would become more important to you than anything else - even more so than your kids.

I forgive you for turning to drugs instead of asking for help.
I forgive you for abandoning your kids with me, and leaving me stranded two weeks ago.
I forgive you for trying to patch things up between Terry and I, even though it was not the right thing to do. You were just trying to do what you felt I needed at the time.
I am sorry that I can't be there for you anymore. It's costing me too much of myself.

I wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do in your life. I just can't jeopardize mine with your lifestyle. I'm sorry

Good-Bye Terry.

I really did love you. I guess I still do. Love doesn't go away, and I haven't given you the chance to completely kill it. I guess I never will.

I am sorry that you do not know how to communicate what you want/need.
I am sorry that I do not fit for you.
I forgive you for how you've treated me. You don't know any better.

It's time for me to move on. What you are offering me is not something either one of us will be happy with for long. I need more. You are stuck.

I am sorry I am not able to be there for you.
I am sorry I am not able to help you kick this habit.
I am sorry, but I won't watch you do this to yourself.

You told me once you often kick yourself the day after you do drugs. You are so down on yourself for falling back into that trap. If you ever want to talk, or just need a friend to be there, let me know. I'm a good listener. That's all I can do for you though. I can't invest anymore of myself. It's costing me far too much.

Since you're not actually ever going to see this, I'm not worried about you ever taking me up on that offer. So I need to keep in straight in my head. If it seems like you are turning to me for friendship, it's only for sex. You once told me the only time you were happy in this past year was when we were together. So I gave you a chance to show me that. To show me my friendship mattered and was important to you. It's been over a week since I've heard from you. I sent you a text last Wednesday asking how you were. You never answered. I get it. You were on a binge. I guess a part of me was hoping when Monday came you'd get a hold of me. Let me know you were okay. But it's looking like you are so down on yourself about it all that you are too embarrassed to contact me again.

I forgive you for that. You don't know any better. You just don't understand.

So to allow myself to heal, I need to say good-bye. I love you, but there is no room in my life for you. I'm sorry.

I have one more good-bye to say. It's time for me to say good-bye to my protective layer of fat I've added on since moving to Estevan.

Good-Bye Fat.

You have been protecting me from all of these outside attacks on my heart, but it's time to shed the layer of protection. I need to trust Lee to not hurt me, and to protect me from more of this hurt. It's time to trust his judgement on things, especially around Tammy/Terry. He's trying to protect me. Now it's time to let him.

And it's time to shed this layer as well. I am feeling weak carrying it around.

I want to feel strong again. I want to feel in control of something in my life again. I want to re-gain my body.

Finally, I forgive me.

I forgive me for how much this all hurts.
I forgive me for loving Tammy so much that I let her take advantage.
I forgive me for loving Terry.
I forgive me for trying to hide all of this
I forgive me for not standing up to Tammy when I felt she was abandoning her kids.
I forgive me for giving her the benefit of the doubt
I forgive me for being angry with myself for giving her that benefit, especially when I found out I was wrong
I forgive me for being wrong
I forgive me for being so confused and lost with all of this.
I forgive me for dealing with it all the only way I know how.
I forgive me for still wanting to hear from Tammy/Terry.
I forgive me for needing to know I matter to them

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    It's time to love yourself! Focus on YOU. Don't look back. The past is gone and done with. Remember when they try to come back into your life that you have to ignore them, don't let them.


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JUDYAMK 7/4/2012 11:46AM

    WOW this is powerful good for you breaking free from all of this.If you see any fireworks this evening look up at them & imagine that is you blasting & spreading & letting go of all this unneeded burden that is weighing you down .Like the fireworks that blast high in the sky that is you releasing all the unwanted torment dumped on you & also as the fireworks spread out & dissipate into the dark evening sky so will your weight blast off your frame & fall away never to come back!!!!
Take care

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Personal Stuff you may want to skip

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    I struggle with the same emotions with my husbands ex wife. We have custody of their kids and she and I used to be friends.

Then she said some hurtful things about me and my kids.

I let it go the first time it happened. I made excuses for her. The second time I had to shut the door on her and it's hard.

I want to text her the cute things the kids are doing or share a mile stone with her but I have to stop myself. It got harder when we moved 8 hours away from her. I feel more guilty now for not being her friend.

In the end, you have to do what is best for you and sometimes that is the hardest thing to do. Ignoring the mom's text's to me apologizing and wanting to be friends again was hard. But she's toxic to me.

Toxic people have no place in your life.

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WANNABWERNER 7/4/2012 11:56AM

    ooh...Its so hard to do the right thing some times...I'm so sorry you are going thru this...try and focus on you and yours....make your self laugh...that helps me.

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Today's Kick in the Butt

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

I really have no motivation today. I just blogged about Tammy/Terry again. They are weighing heavily on my heart and my mind today. It's been a full week since I heard from Terry, longer for Tammy. But this is all for another blog.

Right now, I need to find my motivation to get dressed and get out there and run. Yesterday I was 2minutes short of completing C25K Week2Day3. Today is the day to do this. It's early enough that the heat of the day hasn't hit.

I want a fit, healthy body. I need to go after it. What I've been doing hasn't gotten me there. I know the scale is not moving right now. I'm not sure why, and yes, it's frustrating.

But I went through this last year. Eventually I gave up out of frustration. Here I am a year later and still at the same weight, and in even worse shape than I was then.

Time to do something different.

Honestly, I will thank myself for pushing and getting out there. I won't thank myself for letting me wallow in these issues all day and letting this time pass me by.

I am trying so hard to not give up. I don't understand why I'm stuck like this. I know emotional crap can sometimes block my ability to loose weight. I've been trying to deal with it, but it's not working. I'm still not loosing weight.

Oh wow. I just had a thought, and I'm not sure if I'm excited about it, or upset. I need to put it out of my thoughts and focus on what I need to do for me. To hell with doing for everyone else around me. Time to do for me.

Time for me to go have breakfast, then get dressed and go running. I will be able to sort out some of these thoughts on the road. I know I will .

I got dressed, and went out to run. I didn't even make it half way, and stopped. I just had too much on my mind. So instead I walked home. Just thought about all this crap rolling around in my head.

It's better now. I may get dressed and try again later today after the heat passes. Or I might just make it an easy day today. Either way, I'm okay with it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ILIKECACTI 7/4/2012 2:18PM

    Channel it all into the work-out!

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July 3 BodyMedia

Wednesday, July 04, 2012


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