Saturday, August 08, 2009
I am feeling a little less overwhelmed today than I was yesterday. However, I am not feeling any better. There is still something wrong. Instead of worrying, I am going to take today for me. Go shopping. Spoil myself a little. I may be able to discover what has me so upset.
I get this way when I feel someone or something is taking advantage of me in some way. I don't see that happening right now.
The angry part is a defensive mechanism. Something is wrong, and I don't know how to protect myself against something, so I get angry. It keeps people away from me. I know it is not a useful tool, but it is what it is. I know why it's there. I just can figure out why it was triggered yesterday.
I went from feeling like I could do anything, to being on the extreme defensive. And since whatever was wrong yesterday is still wrong, I am at risk of it happening again.
Hopefully when I spend time on me today I will find some answers. If not, I will just write tonight. Put pen to paper and write whatever comes into my mind. It often helps.
Thank you everyone who stopped by my blog yesterday. It helps to know people out there care. As hard as this can be at times, the isolation makes it so much worse. I want to let you each know how much it means to me. Each post helps me realize I am not alone here. I do have support, and I can make it. Thank you.
Friday, August 07, 2009
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TRIGGERED THIS. ALL I KNOW IS I AM OVER THE TOP STRESSED OUT. AT LEAST I AM ABLE TO RECOGNIZE IT. I WARNED MY KIDS AND HUBBY TO TREAD LIGHTLY AROUND ME RIGHT NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I AM MORE THAN LIKELY TO EXPLODE.
I CAN'T FIND A WAY TO REDUCE THIS OVERWHELMING ANGER RIGHT NOW. AT LEAST I RECOGNIZE IT, AND HAVE KEPT MYSELF OUT OF SITUATIONS THAT COULD BE REAL TROUBLE RIGHT NOW - DRIVING, BEING IN A CROWD, AND SO ON.
I ATE A PIZZA - IT DIDN'T HELP. I WANTED ICE CREAM, SO I WENT AND GOT SOME - IT DIDN'T HELP. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW. I NEED TO SELF SOOTHE. SOMETHING WENT WRONG TODAY. THERE IS A REASON WHY I AM SO UPSET, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
THERE IS SO MUCH NOISE IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW. I AM TRYING TO QUIET IT. IT'S NOT WORKING. I KEEP CHECKING IN TO SEE WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP. SOMETHING NEEDS SOOTHING. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT, OR HOW TO DO IT RIGHT NOW. I GUESS ALL I can do is keep checking in. It will help sometime. It is already starting to help a little.
I just wish I knew why. What set me off. Why can I not find a way to soothe this.
I don't need to type with caps anymore. That's a start. I can stop screaming through my fingers at least.
I know anger is a secondary emotion. I just am struggling to find anything beneath it. I can't see past the blinding rage yet. I guess I just need to keep working on it.
I got my half marathon map today. I can't believe how far the route is. And I am supposed to finish it within 3 hours? There is a small part of me that believes I can do this. However, my struggle with it right now is the bigger part of me that is telling me I must be crazy to think it can be done - that I can do it. I don't feel prepared. I have time, and I know if I focus I can do it, but ...
I got home from trying to book my husband on a flight to see his family on Labour day - whole fiasco in itself - to find a note from UPS. The shoes I ordered are there, and they want $50 for them. Another flipping (no not the word I wanted to use) $50. I told my supplier if she insisted on shipping with UPS again, I would NEVER order from her again. Ship with US postal. It might take a few extra days, but I don't get all this crap from the courier.
Why do I feel like I can get nothing done? Why do I feel lost? Why is it things I often enjoy are not helping right now? Instead, they are stressing me out more? What is wrong? Why can I not figure this out? Why can I not seem to accomplish anything? I am so ready to just run. Who cares where, just go. Not a good sign. I need to figure this out, and get my mind back on track. There is a lot to do, and I need my mind with me to do it.
Friday, August 07, 2009
This week I can focus on adding a little bit more.
This week I will:
drink min 8 glasses of water EVERY day
do running training AT LEAST 4 times this week.
eat AT LEAST 5 freggies every day.
I may also try to:
get to the gym this week, but it's more important to run this week.
I can do this. I am setting the bar a little higher than I normally would, but I can meet it. I know I can
Monday, August 03, 2009
I defined this mountain on March 25, 2009. When I started a new job with horrendous hours, I had to focus on being able to get myself out of bed everyday, and to and from work. I tried, but was unable to keep on track with my weight loss. I did not loose anymore weight, but I did not gain any weight. So rather than throw out my old mountain, I figured it just needed to be redefined.
This week, back down to 236 - got down to 231.
April 4 - 234 - 229 - met it barely.
April 11 - 232
April 18 - 230 - after no weight loss for two weeks, I am here still. :(
April 25 - 228
May 2 - 226 - I met this goal today.
May 9 - 224
May 16 - 222 - I met this goal on May 6 - 10 days early. Yeah!
May 23 - 220 met this goal on May 15 - a week early.
May 30 - 218 met this goal on May 19 - 11 days early.
June 6 - 216 met 215 on May 22 - 15 days early. Yeah!
June 13 -214 met 213 on May 29 - Still 15 days early.
June 20 - 212
June 27 - 210
I am at 210 lbs right now - Aug 3. I am changing the dates below here to outline my goal and a time line again.
August 8 - 210
August 15- 208 - No such luck. still at 210.
August 22 - 206
for my Half Marathon and River City, I was still at 210lbs. My weight did fluctuate, but never below 210, and never above 215.
August 29- 204 - a month later, but I am here Sept 24.
October 2 - 202
October 9 - 200
October 16 - 198 - NEW POINT FOR UNDER 200LBS - LOOSE 15LBS BY HALLOWEEN.
October 23 - 196
October 30 - 194 - CURRENT GOAL
November 6 - 192
November 13 - 190
November 20 - 188
November 27- 186
December 4 - 184 - 25LBS BY CHRISTMAS
I do not want to go below 175. 185 is a perfectly fine goal. Now I need to decide on some rewards if I am able to meet these goals, especially if I meet them sooner. Maybe three sets of goals. One for on time, one for early (even better), and one for late (better than never)
I also will need an ongoing game plan. Week by week, decide what I need to focus on for that week to get where I need to be. This week I'm focusing on my water, vegetables, and so on. Small stones to move that mountain.
I was doing some calculating today. To go from 245 to 185, I want to loose 60 lbs. That is 25% of my body weight - at least it was when I started.
10% is a loss of 25lbs - I will weigh 220
20% is a loss of 50lbs - I will weigh 195 - a perfectly fine place for me to stop
25% is my 60lbs - I will weigh 185
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