Wednesday, November 09, 2011
Terry's still keeping in touch via text messages. Well, last night after I figured all was done for the night, he texted to see if I was still awake. Turns out he used some lame excuse of his room mate checking on the tractor to try and get an invite out of me. I basically told him the tractor was outside somewhere so whatever. Well, since I didn't fall over myself begging him to come visit me, he was pissed off.
Poor baby. I'm pretty angry myself. Use a lame excuse like that? And expect me to jump at the possibility of him coming over! No way. More like do what you want, but leave me out of it.
I am not expecting to hear from him at all today. And even as I type that I am wondering... Terry's MO is to chase the more I push. So unless I really hurt his feelings last night he'll be in touch today. And if I did hurt his feelings, he'll be in touch in a few days.
Either way, I'm not interested anymore. It might be time to lay that out to him in black n white. I was just hoping I could just walk away. Be done. Leave it at that. But I might have to tell him. I don't mind texting and chatting. But I don't want to see him. Not at all right now. Maybe eventually I'll be able to stand being in the same room with him, but not yet.
Anyhow, I've gotta put this behind me. I need to do what I need for me. I realized I have no idea where I want to be, or even where I'm starting from really. I need to sit down and decide these things. I need to decide what my fitness/health goals are and start to work towards them again.
And moving is still on my mind. I might be jumping in and taking the plunge very soon. I don't like to waste money, and this is just wasting money as it is right now...
One thing I can tell you, I hate living in limbo like this.
I guess I need to decide what I want to do today, and focus just on that. Hmmmm.
Guess it might be time to write a "today's kick in the butt" blog again. Outline what I want to do and just do it.
Actually, that sounds like a great idea.
Argh! What is wrong with me?? My phone pocket called Terry. No, I didn't call him. I was texting Tammy and then hiding my phone. When I looked back, it was calling him. HORRIBLE! Embarrassing.
Anyhow, I hung up right away. Now for some stupid reason I'm waiting for the text asking me what's up and why I called. And it's not coming.
What is wrong with me? Seriously? I don't want him in my life. But I still like to hear from him? I need my head examined. I'm even looking at moving to get away from him.
Or am I hoping secretly he'll chase again? Okay, even if I am, I don't want him to get anywhere near me. So if that's the case, what does it matter? Whether he chases or not, I'm not wanting what he's offering.
Man, I just wish I could get this all out of my head.
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
I realized something last night. I am so far beyond my breaking point, it's not even funny. I mean most people reach it and shut down. Well, I've been shutting down some things, but still functioning. I need to.
But I'm looking forward to the kids going to their grandparents later this week. I really need the break. And I'm seeing that.
Last night I had to apologize to some of the people I've been texting. I went a little off the deep end yesterday.
I called Lee too. I don't know if I've said anything in my blogs about Lee lately. He was introduced to me by Tammy and Red right after Terry and I split. He asked me to a concert. We spent some time together as friends. I told him I was not ready to move on. Just friends.
Well, when all was said and done, a few days after I got back with Terry, Lee told me how he felt. He had somehow gotten it into his head that we were going to be together. And he fell hard and fast. I don't get how. We never even kissed. I mean, we were hanging out as friends. But I guess he liked what he was seeing...
Anyhow, I apologized for the misunderstanding.
Well, now that it's over with Terry, Lee and I are talking. But Lee is looking to get back together with an old ex girlfriend. I've been telling him that's great. If he's got romantic interests elsewhere, we can just focus on being friends. And that's what we are trying now.
But last night I was maybe too honest with him. He could tell something was up. Even he was thinking it was me missing Terry. So I finally told him. I don't miss Terry. I don't want Terry. If I did, I would call him and he'd be right there. I'm choosing to be alone rather than be with Terry. The problem is the loneliness. I'm so stressed. I really need a hug. Just to curl up in someones arms and rest for a while. To feel like someone is taking care of me. Protecting me while I let my guard down and rest.
But I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person for this, so I am going it alone.
And I don't sleep well at nights because of it right now. And my stress level keeps climbing.
But the kids will be going on Thursday. I will have time to just lock myself in my room for the whole weekend if I want to. And I'm looking forward to it actually.
Even told Lee I'm looking forward to that for the weekend.
As for Douglas, well, he's come up with excuses to not come by and visit even for a coffee, so I'm done with that part of things. I get life get's us all busy. And if he wants to come over, he can ask. I'm done asking. Not that we're fighting. It's just not seeming to work for either of us right now. No biggie. It's all part of life.
Yesterday I was just keeping to myself. Terry actually struck up a texting conversation 3 times. Wow. I never hear from him that often in a day. And I wasn't doing anything to encourage it. In fact, I was kind of ignoring him. I'd answer 2-3 questions with one word answers, then ignore one. He'd keep the conversation up.
But I see him for who he is. He's lonely and want's to use me for company. It's not happening. We can text. We can talk. But he can't come anywhere near me. Not any time soon.
I think when all is said and done, I might just disappear from his radar completely for a while.
I'm thinking of moving out of the place I've been staying. I've only been there 2 nights in the past month. So why pay rent? Besides, it was to be short term only anyway.
So I'm thinking move. Stop answering texts. As far as some people are concerned, I've left town. It'll be so much better for me in the long run. I need to weed my garden so to say...
Monday, November 07, 2011
Wow, it's been busy. And a lot has happened not just to keep me busy, but also personally.
Last blog I was saying how Terry's not being there for me when I needed a friend again was the last straw. I know I'm kinda wishy washy when it comes to Terry. I have to admit, I really cared about him. Still do I guess. It's not something I can turn on and off.
But Thursday really was it for me.
On both Friday and Saturday, I got texts from him. Friday I ignored them completely. Saturday I was answering. He may have been fishing for an invite over, but I never did extend one. And he never did ask.
Late on Saturday night/Sunday morning, I was sending a text to Tammy to see if she was still up. It accidentally went to Terry. When he asked me what was wrong, I said nothing, sorry. Well, he didn't leave it at that. He wanted to know why I was up and unable to sleep. So we chatted again for a bit. Then I said good night and it was all done.
So I think I'm past the hold he's had on me. I was feeling alone. I needed a hug from a friend this weekend. But when I turned to Terry on Thursday and he couldn't be bothered, that was it for me. I am refusing to even ask anymore. I only make myself vulnerable to "friends" every so often. And when they can't be there to help out, I stop. He's no longer even a friend. Eventually maybe I can consider him an acquaintance. But not yet...
Yes, my heart is heavy. And I'm a little sad. Not overwhelmingly though. I guess I've known this was coming for a long long time.
I am ready to walk away. From Terry. From Harry too. I don't need "friends" like that in my life. I deserve so much better.
This Thursday I'm taking the kids in to Regina. They are going to stay with their grandparents. It'll give me a break. I'm looking forward to it. I need a bit of a break.
So now I'm learning to take care of me again. Tammy's gonna be out of the game for quite a while. I'll do what I can to help, but I'm looking forward to getting back to my life. After I drop the kids on Thursday, I'm thinking of going dancing in Saskatoon for the evening. I'm trying to reach an friend there to see if they want to meet up. Even if they don't I still might go.
And a friend I've been chatting with here in town wants to meet soon. We were supposed to meet last night, but there was a storm. It wasn't safe to be out on the roads. So we just chatted all evening long.
I hate to admit it, but I'm kinda starting to look forward to meeting up with him. We've really seemed to hit it off chatting. And for once he hasn't tried sexting. Too many guys try this nonsense. I tell them I don't talk to strangers like that. They're looking for someone else.
But Douglas seems to really just enjoy talking. And he does want a hug when we meet.
I don't know. I think the possibility of something new. Someone new. Someone who might be the right one. It's kind of exciting. And lets be honest here. It makes it easier to move past a bad relationship when there is the suggestion that there may be a better one on the horizon.
Time to get to work now I guess...
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