Wednesday, November 02, 2011
I'm under so much stress lately. And I know it. But today at work I finally reached my breaking point. I have been pulled in 5 different directions today. And normally I do well with things like that. I actually like to be busy.
But with the stress from home this past week, and everyone at work under stress and getting more by trying to help me figure out these changes we need to make to the systems to make the switch over...
A supplier got back to me today. I was asking for the manufacturer and model number of a list of items we purchase from them. The supplier sent me a page that has something to do with requesting they bring in some new items they don't carry??? I have no idea what it was anyway.
I lost it. Responded that I was looking for information on things we already purchase. Not looking to change what they supply us with. And gave up. I printed off the list and gave it to our purchasing department.
I just can't do this anymore. I clearly ask for what I need. I need apples. Plain and simple. Apples. They give me toilet brushes? How is that even REMOTELY close??? I could see getting some oranges, because they are not sure. But toilet brushes????
I'm just a little overwhelmed. Top it all off with Colin. Yes, my ex-room mate Colin. He asked me a week ago if he could take my daughter and I to the concert Saturday night. I thought about it and agreed.
Well, today, knowing I'm busy, and feeling kinda lonely, he starts in with his "what's the plan". When I get pissed off and tell him I'm under too much stress right now to be planning HIS weekend for him, he starts up with "fine. ur busy. I'll stay away".
That was it. I let him have it. Both barrels. Told him that was the self destruct button for our friendship and I was not going to let him keep pushing it to see how many times he could get away with it. It was done. OVER.
Now he's pouting. Saying he was just asking if we were will on for the concert. Yeah Right!!! I've told him not to ask that way. I'm sick of being made to feel like if I don't plan HIS entire weekend, he's gonna pout. Hell, I can't even plan my own right now.
I really could use a hug. Just go somewhere. Leave the world at the door. Escape for a few hours. Relax.
I might ask a friend if I can come visit tonight. To do just that.
I really need to get back to running again soon too. It'll really help raise my threshold for stress back to where it should be.
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
I was so tired yesterday it wasn't even funny. So it was a rough evening. Even the boys were tired. And RJ had too much sugar. But it was all okay. We got them all settled and into bed without too much problem. And we did it early.
Terry texted me yesterday. His cousin Russ - the one I met in Saskatoon this past August - well, his cousins brother died the night before. I thanked him for letting me know. And I got a hold of Russ right away.
Later that night, Terry asked if I'd talked to Russ. So I called him to let him know I was sorry to hear of his loss, and to see if he got my message from earlier. He seemed to be doing okay, but y'all know how that is
I had to admit it though. My heart went out to Terry again. I was wondering how he was feeling about all of this. I had to talk to Tammy. To get him out again.
Well, he invited himself over. I even picked up a few beer for him. But then changed my mind. When he got a hold of me, I didn't answer. I was already going to bed.
This morning, I saw him. I have no idea why he was up so early and in town. It's probibly because he spent the night in town somewhere. But why was he up and at the theatre so early? He know's my routine. Was this just so I would see him?
I don't know how to take it. Is he seeking me out? Or is he trying to make me jealous - trying to make me think he spent the night with his ex? I know she doesn't want him anyhow, but...
So instead of dealing with this baggage, I'm trying to put it all out of my mind. He's a grown man. None of my business what he does. Leave it at that and move on.
Man, it's going to be a long LONG day.
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
I'm just checking back in really quick. I don't have a lot of time to be online today. But right now I'm waiting for information to come in, and not expecting it for at least an hour or so.
Last night I went and picked up my daughter. It's nice to see her again. I miss her.
On my way, Terry found out I was going and taking the boys in my van. Well, he decided I needed to take Tammy's car. I know very well if I wanted to borrow the car, I could. Heck, I have the keys to it in my pocket! But the fact was he was telling me what to do again. And I was toying with him again too.
He doesn't know I got my tire fixed, and I didn't tell him. So he was texting Tammy and telling her I needed to fix my tire and needed to take her car to be safe. She was asking me, and I told her the way it was, and that I was jerking Terry's chain. She was laughing.
Well, as I pulled away, she texted me. She was really wondering what was up. Terry was so insistent. Almost like he cared. So I got mad and texted him. I wanted to know. And so did Tammy. Why he was acting like he cared.
Well, that started it. He said if I didn't want him to care, he'd stop it. I told him the problem seemed to be he didn't care enough. He wouldn't answer my questions. Told me he wouldn't text me because I was driving - I wasn't he just thought I was.
It's so frustrating with him. I finally told him, if he didn't start to talk to me, he'd lose me. Or maybe that's what he wanted.
And I left it like that. Until this morning. I haven't gotten enough sleep. I caved. Sent him a good morning text. Told him I know he's working, so not to get pissy about it. But I hope we can talk sometime.
I doubt I'll ever hear from him again. And I have to admit, I'm pretty much okay with that. What he doesn't get is he's already lost me. My mind is 100% sure I don't want him anymore. And my heart is 80% on board now too. Even if he started to fight for us, I could actually talk myself out of taking him back.
Poor guy. I actually feel kinda bad for him. He has no idea he's already lost the battle.
But I know Terry. He's going to start to chase. It won't be today. Probably not tomorrow either. But within a week or so. But I'll be long gone.
The one good thing I know. If I don't come around and draw him out to talk to me, he won't. So I can pretend he's not really missing me that much. As long as I stay away from him for a while...
Tammy wants me to move in with her for the winter. I'm not sure. I might, but it's so close to Terry's farm. I just don't know if it's a good idea. Hard to put out of mind, when he's not out of sight.
I really don't know what I'm gonna do for my living situation. And I told Tammy that. Right now, I can only focus on what I need to do today. And today I need to rest. Get my work done. Sleep. That's about it.
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