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No rest for the wicked

Friday, November 04, 2011

Last night my friend Tammy ended up back in the hospital. I spent the entire evening basically getting her back to the hospital. We had to make two ER trips before they admitted her.

I guess I don't have the luxury of falling apart anymore.

When I got home from all of this mess, I was just wiped. At least the kids were in bed. So I texted Terry. Told him I needed a friend. Please come over. Well, he answered, but he never came. It made me realize I don't even register as a friend for him.

That was the last straw. Anyone else I would have asked would have been there right now. In fact, Lee showed up at the ER to see if I was doing okay last night. I can't believe I let such a looser into my life. Again.

We're done. Not even friends anymore. Last night made that crystal clear. Next time I hear from him, I'll be telling him to loose my number. No more.

All I needed was a hug. A friend to be there for me for a while. Just even come and sit with me. Talk to me. Distract me while I find my strength to fight again. And he couldn't even be bothered. He lives 5 minutes down the road! What an ass.

Anyhow, I'm off to lick my wounds. Find my inner strength. And tackle this stress again. One thing I know for sure. If I don't start running EVERY DAY again soon, I'll loose my mind!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAREN_NY 11/4/2011 2:13PM

I've gotta suggest dumping the toxins from your life, and changing your number.
I love pulling weeds from my garden - it's a very catharctic thing, and doing that *literally* once gave me all I needed to do it figuratively in my life as well! Good luck hon,

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JUSTME29 11/4/2011 9:50AM

    That's terrible. I hope Tammy gets better soon. Terry truly is an ass, and you definitely need him gone. Take care of yourself, and make time for what you want to do. If a run isn't in the cards today, maybe a long walk is. On a walk Tammy's kids can join you so you don't have to worry about what to do with them. Please take care of yourself first, and make sure your work and your life doesn't suffer trying to take care of other people.

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STAYPRESENT 11/4/2011 9:21AM

    Honey, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Find those friends who will be there for you and lean on them, ok.


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VEROISME 11/4/2011 8:56AM


you really need to cut all ties with him! You are sooo strong when you have to be, you can do it! I'm sorry things are such a mess for you right now!

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Lost touch with my inner strength

Thursday, November 03, 2011

I just realized something. I've lost touch with my inner strength. Again.

Yes, I do this quite often. When I'm aware of it and feeling well, I take for granted I'll never loose it again. I mean, it's right there. Inside me. I don't have to go searching for it. It's such a HUGE part of who I am. What I am.

But then life happens. I get sidetracked from my fitness goals. Exercise starts to fall by the wayside. And I loose touch with the inner goddess we all have inside of each of us.

I start to feel weak. Vulnerable. Lonely. Unsure of myself. Just overall not so good...

So here I am. Once again. Searching for my inner goddess. The strong one. To help propel me into my future.

Instead of realizing this was happening, I started to feel lonely. Looking for support and comfort outside of myself. I'm not saying finding comfort from friends/family/others is a bad thing. Heck, I honestly wish I had more. But right now I don't.

I keep forgetting I don't NEED it. It's nice to have, but its not a need. I can do for myself.

At least I've finally figured this out again.

Now it's time to go find my inner goddess. The strong one. The one that'll make me feel safe. Comforted. Cared for. She's there inside somewhere. I know she is.

How did I find her last time? Exercise helped. Feeling I can do anything I set my mind to. And it starts with the little things. Getting through a 30min run. Finishing it strong. Knowing I CAN DO THAT!!! I can do anything!!!

Looks like it's time to go for a run tonight.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAILIIA 11/4/2011 11:16AM

    Strong, proud and in a good headspace - ready to rock!

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TREESA57 11/4/2011 8:14AM

    Its like you wrote this for me to read. It is exactly what I needed to read. I HAVE to go inside me today. Your blog is my Oprah ah ha moment.
Thanks and have a great run!!!!! emoticon

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APRILAUTUMN1 11/3/2011 4:32PM

    Yes you can, Goddess!! More power to ya girlfriend;)

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KAREN42BOYS 11/3/2011 3:46PM

    My inner goddess needs to eat lots of vegetables. They make her power surge.

Go power up your woman!

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OJIBWEEQUAY 11/3/2011 2:41PM


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LIVIN_THE_LIFE 11/3/2011 2:29PM

    You are right!!! You can do it!

Enjoy your run!!!!

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Thursday, November 03, 2011

Been taking it easy since yesterday. I know in my head why I'm sitting teetering on my breaking point. It's just a delayed reaction to all sorts of stuff. But I've found knowing is just not quite enough to to stop it all.

Tammy is back home. The fact she is out of the hospital and home with her kids is a huge part of why I'm letting go right now. I can relax. I can let the stress of it all hit me. I'm done having to hold it all together.

The stress of having to jump into her life and take care of her kids
The stress of the problems at work because of it.
The stress of Terry. Yes, he's still a stress. A minor one, but...

I have realized something these past few days. I don't want Terry. We kind of had issues on Sunday, and haven't really talked since. Just a few sentences here n there.

What I miss is being close to someone. Having someone there to hold me when I need to let this all go like I've been doing these past few hours. Feeling safe and secure. Protected. Like someone else will keep me safe while I just let my guard down and relax for a bit.

I KNOW that someone is not Terry. That's why I say I don't miss him. It's the other relationship stuff I miss. Especially right now.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Just keep plugging away I guess. I just wish I could take a short break from it all.

Maybe that's what my running time is. My short break from it all. My time to focus on me. Not worry or stress about life. Just get out there and do something good for me. Just for me. It doesn't benefit anyone else. No need to keep my guard up. Who cares if I'm crying when I run past. I'll be gone like a flash anyhow. And I can blame it on a hard workout if anyone really cares to ask.

I guess I have to admit it to myself. I'm really lonely lately. And I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWNAC304 11/3/2011 2:46PM

    I'm sorry you're still struggling. I hope the running helps.

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KAREN_NY 11/3/2011 12:23PM

    Running is fabulous therapy!! You'll find your way. :)

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JOAN_HEO 11/3/2011 9:36AM

    Wow! It sounds like your plate is full of all kinds of not so great stuff. I know what you mean about wanting to feel safe and protected but you know what? Only YOU can give you what you really need.

The running will help. If you don't believe me, read _Mile Markers...The 26.2 Most Important Reasons Why Women Run_ by Kristin Armstrong. It's so full of life's truths, I'm finishing it for the second time. It's wonderful.

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STAYPRESENT 11/3/2011 9:16AM

    Hi, glad you are sticking with the running. You are so right it is something you can do for yourself. It is a wonderful stress reliever. I have found that as long as a wrong person is in my life there isn't room for the right one to come.


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Reached my breaking point ....

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

I'm under so much stress lately. And I know it. But today at work I finally reached my breaking point. I have been pulled in 5 different directions today. And normally I do well with things like that. I actually like to be busy.

But with the stress from home this past week, and everyone at work under stress and getting more by trying to help me figure out these changes we need to make to the systems to make the switch over...

A supplier got back to me today. I was asking for the manufacturer and model number of a list of items we purchase from them. The supplier sent me a page that has something to do with requesting they bring in some new items they don't carry??? I have no idea what it was anyway.

I lost it. Responded that I was looking for information on things we already purchase. Not looking to change what they supply us with. And gave up. I printed off the list and gave it to our purchasing department.

I just can't do this anymore. I clearly ask for what I need. I need apples. Plain and simple. Apples. They give me toilet brushes? How is that even REMOTELY close??? I could see getting some oranges, because they are not sure. But toilet brushes????

I'm just a little overwhelmed. Top it all off with Colin. Yes, my ex-room mate Colin. He asked me a week ago if he could take my daughter and I to the concert Saturday night. I thought about it and agreed.

Well, today, knowing I'm busy, and feeling kinda lonely, he starts in with his "what's the plan". When I get pissed off and tell him I'm under too much stress right now to be planning HIS weekend for him, he starts up with "fine. ur busy. I'll stay away".

That was it. I let him have it. Both barrels. Told him that was the self destruct button for our friendship and I was not going to let him keep pushing it to see how many times he could get away with it. It was done. OVER.

Now he's pouting. Saying he was just asking if we were will on for the concert. Yeah Right!!! I've told him not to ask that way. I'm sick of being made to feel like if I don't plan HIS entire weekend, he's gonna pout. Hell, I can't even plan my own right now.

I really could use a hug. Just go somewhere. Leave the world at the door. Escape for a few hours. Relax.

I might ask a friend if I can come visit tonight. To do just that.

I really need to get back to running again soon too. It'll really help raise my threshold for stress back to where it should be.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTME29 11/3/2011 8:24AM


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CRYMENIA 11/2/2011 10:56PM

    Lot's and Lot's of emoticon!
I hope things get better soon for you! Your an amazing woman and your right to not put up with the things you have had too. Stay strong and know that we are here for you as much as possible.

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JERSEYFLOWER 11/2/2011 9:25PM


I don't have any constructive advice, but I wanted you to know that I'm listening and sending a hug your way.

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GR8TAWK 11/2/2011 8:51PM


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LINDA! 11/2/2011 8:33PM

    emoticonStress can cause us to be so frustrated.

Comment edited on: 11/2/2011 8:33:47 PM

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WANNABWERNER 11/2/2011 4:25PM

    emoticon and more emoticon hate those days....

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CYBERQT 11/2/2011 4:22PM


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VEROISME 11/2/2011 4:04PM


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SMILINGEYES88 11/2/2011 3:33PM

    emoticon I'm so sorry... That situation at work does seem EXTREMELY frustrating! I sincerely hope everything gets better soon!!

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Today ... Just kind of sitting in limbo

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

I was so tired yesterday it wasn't even funny. So it was a rough evening. Even the boys were tired. And RJ had too much sugar. But it was all okay. We got them all settled and into bed without too much problem. And we did it early.

Terry texted me yesterday. His cousin Russ - the one I met in Saskatoon this past August - well, his cousins brother died the night before. I thanked him for letting me know. And I got a hold of Russ right away.

Later that night, Terry asked if I'd talked to Russ. So I called him to let him know I was sorry to hear of his loss, and to see if he got my message from earlier. He seemed to be doing okay, but y'all know how that is

I had to admit it though. My heart went out to Terry again. I was wondering how he was feeling about all of this. I had to talk to Tammy. To get him out again.

Well, he invited himself over. I even picked up a few beer for him. But then changed my mind. When he got a hold of me, I didn't answer. I was already going to bed.

This morning, I saw him. I have no idea why he was up so early and in town. It's probibly because he spent the night in town somewhere. But why was he up and at the theatre so early? He know's my routine. Was this just so I would see him?

I don't know how to take it. Is he seeking me out? Or is he trying to make me jealous - trying to make me think he spent the night with his ex? I know she doesn't want him anyhow, but...

So instead of dealing with this baggage, I'm trying to put it all out of my mind. He's a grown man. None of my business what he does. Leave it at that and move on.

Man, it's going to be a long LONG day.


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