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Talk about pushing his luck...

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Terry's still keeping in touch via text messages. Well, last night after I figured all was done for the night, he texted to see if I was still awake. Turns out he used some lame excuse of his room mate checking on the tractor to try and get an invite out of me. I basically told him the tractor was outside somewhere so whatever. Well, since I didn't fall over myself begging him to come visit me, he was pissed off.

Poor baby. I'm pretty angry myself. Use a lame excuse like that? And expect me to jump at the possibility of him coming over! No way. More like do what you want, but leave me out of it.

I am not expecting to hear from him at all today. And even as I type that I am wondering... Terry's MO is to chase the more I push. So unless I really hurt his feelings last night he'll be in touch today. And if I did hurt his feelings, he'll be in touch in a few days.

Either way, I'm not interested anymore. It might be time to lay that out to him in black n white. I was just hoping I could just walk away. Be done. Leave it at that. But I might have to tell him. I don't mind texting and chatting. But I don't want to see him. Not at all right now. Maybe eventually I'll be able to stand being in the same room with him, but not yet.

Anyhow, I've gotta put this behind me. I need to do what I need for me. I realized I have no idea where I want to be, or even where I'm starting from really. I need to sit down and decide these things. I need to decide what my fitness/health goals are and start to work towards them again.

And moving is still on my mind. I might be jumping in and taking the plunge very soon. I don't like to waste money, and this is just wasting money as it is right now...

One thing I can tell you, I hate living in limbo like this.

I guess I need to decide what I want to do today, and focus just on that. Hmmmm.

Guess it might be time to write a "today's kick in the butt" blog again. Outline what I want to do and just do it.

Actually, that sounds like a great idea.

*******************
Argh! What is wrong with me?? My phone pocket called Terry. No, I didn't call him. I was texting Tammy and then hiding my phone. When I looked back, it was calling him. HORRIBLE! Embarrassing.

Anyhow, I hung up right away. Now for some stupid reason I'm waiting for the text asking me what's up and why I called. And it's not coming.

What is wrong with me? Seriously? I don't want him in my life. But I still like to hear from him? I need my head examined. I'm even looking at moving to get away from him.

Or am I hoping secretly he'll chase again? Okay, even if I am, I don't want him to get anywhere near me. So if that's the case, what does it matter? Whether he chases or not, I'm not wanting what he's offering.

Man, I just wish I could get this all out of my head.

  


Today

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

I realized something last night. I am so far beyond my breaking point, it's not even funny. I mean most people reach it and shut down. Well, I've been shutting down some things, but still functioning. I need to.

But I'm looking forward to the kids going to their grandparents later this week. I really need the break. And I'm seeing that.

Last night I had to apologize to some of the people I've been texting. I went a little off the deep end yesterday.

I called Lee too. I don't know if I've said anything in my blogs about Lee lately. He was introduced to me by Tammy and Red right after Terry and I split. He asked me to a concert. We spent some time together as friends. I told him I was not ready to move on. Just friends.

Well, when all was said and done, a few days after I got back with Terry, Lee told me how he felt. He had somehow gotten it into his head that we were going to be together. And he fell hard and fast. I don't get how. We never even kissed. I mean, we were hanging out as friends. But I guess he liked what he was seeing...

Anyhow, I apologized for the misunderstanding.

Well, now that it's over with Terry, Lee and I are talking. But Lee is looking to get back together with an old ex girlfriend. I've been telling him that's great. If he's got romantic interests elsewhere, we can just focus on being friends. And that's what we are trying now.

But last night I was maybe too honest with him. He could tell something was up. Even he was thinking it was me missing Terry. So I finally told him. I don't miss Terry. I don't want Terry. If I did, I would call him and he'd be right there. I'm choosing to be alone rather than be with Terry. The problem is the loneliness. I'm so stressed. I really need a hug. Just to curl up in someones arms and rest for a while. To feel like someone is taking care of me. Protecting me while I let my guard down and rest.

But I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person for this, so I am going it alone.

And I don't sleep well at nights because of it right now. And my stress level keeps climbing.

But the kids will be going on Thursday. I will have time to just lock myself in my room for the whole weekend if I want to. And I'm looking forward to it actually.

Even told Lee I'm looking forward to that for the weekend.

As for Douglas, well, he's come up with excuses to not come by and visit even for a coffee, so I'm done with that part of things. I get life get's us all busy. And if he wants to come over, he can ask. I'm done asking. Not that we're fighting. It's just not seeming to work for either of us right now. No biggie. It's all part of life.

Yesterday I was just keeping to myself. Terry actually struck up a texting conversation 3 times. Wow. I never hear from him that often in a day. And I wasn't doing anything to encourage it. In fact, I was kind of ignoring him. I'd answer 2-3 questions with one word answers, then ignore one. He'd keep the conversation up.

But I see him for who he is. He's lonely and want's to use me for company. It's not happening. We can text. We can talk. But he can't come anywhere near me. Not any time soon.

I think when all is said and done, I might just disappear from his radar completely for a while.

I'm thinking of moving out of the place I've been staying. I've only been there 2 nights in the past month. So why pay rent? Besides, it was to be short term only anyway.

So I'm thinking move. Stop answering texts. As far as some people are concerned, I've left town. It'll be so much better for me in the long run. I need to weed my garden so to say...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTME29 11/8/2011 8:43PM

    weed away!

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BREATHEMUSIC 11/8/2011 11:47AM

    I think the best thing you can do for yourself is just not be in a relationship for a while. Sure, it can be lonely sometimes. But you have to learn to be happy with yourself and know that you can be your own woman before you have a man. And it's not healthy to just jump from one guy to another all the time. Focus on you and ignore all these selfish men! Best of luck to you.

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SUPERFRAISE 11/8/2011 11:41AM

  Sometimes when we get to a point where we realize what we actually need, it can be stressful. You sound like you have a lot of clarity right now--you don't want a relationship with Terry (and congratulations on that realization) and you're not ready to jump into something with Lee. You want comfort but are willing to find it in yourself. That takes strength to realize and to implement, and clearly you can do it. I hope you take time to take care of yourself and regroup. It sounds like the past few weeks have been tough but you're handling it all with grace and honesty and that's something to be proud of. Good luck.

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Today ... a reflection on this past weekend

Monday, November 07, 2011

Wow, it's been busy. And a lot has happened not just to keep me busy, but also personally.

Last blog I was saying how Terry's not being there for me when I needed a friend again was the last straw. I know I'm kinda wishy washy when it comes to Terry. I have to admit, I really cared about him. Still do I guess. It's not something I can turn on and off.

But Thursday really was it for me.

On both Friday and Saturday, I got texts from him. Friday I ignored them completely. Saturday I was answering. He may have been fishing for an invite over, but I never did extend one. And he never did ask.

Late on Saturday night/Sunday morning, I was sending a text to Tammy to see if she was still up. It accidentally went to Terry. When he asked me what was wrong, I said nothing, sorry. Well, he didn't leave it at that. He wanted to know why I was up and unable to sleep. So we chatted again for a bit. Then I said good night and it was all done.

So I think I'm past the hold he's had on me. I was feeling alone. I needed a hug from a friend this weekend. But when I turned to Terry on Thursday and he couldn't be bothered, that was it for me. I am refusing to even ask anymore. I only make myself vulnerable to "friends" every so often. And when they can't be there to help out, I stop. He's no longer even a friend. Eventually maybe I can consider him an acquaintance. But not yet...

Yes, my heart is heavy. And I'm a little sad. Not overwhelmingly though. I guess I've known this was coming for a long long time.

I am ready to walk away. From Terry. From Harry too. I don't need "friends" like that in my life. I deserve so much better.

This Thursday I'm taking the kids in to Regina. They are going to stay with their grandparents. It'll give me a break. I'm looking forward to it. I need a bit of a break.

So now I'm learning to take care of me again. Tammy's gonna be out of the game for quite a while. I'll do what I can to help, but I'm looking forward to getting back to my life. After I drop the kids on Thursday, I'm thinking of going dancing in Saskatoon for the evening. I'm trying to reach an friend there to see if they want to meet up. Even if they don't I still might go.

And a friend I've been chatting with here in town wants to meet soon. We were supposed to meet last night, but there was a storm. It wasn't safe to be out on the roads. So we just chatted all evening long.

I hate to admit it, but I'm kinda starting to look forward to meeting up with him. We've really seemed to hit it off chatting. And for once he hasn't tried sexting. Too many guys try this nonsense. I tell them I don't talk to strangers like that. They're looking for someone else.

But Douglas seems to really just enjoy talking. And he does want a hug when we meet.

I don't know. I think the possibility of something new. Someone new. Someone who might be the right one. It's kind of exciting. And lets be honest here. It makes it easier to move past a bad relationship when there is the suggestion that there may be a better one on the horizon.

Time to get to work now I guess...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VEROISME 11/7/2011 8:45AM

    sounds like you're getting into a better place. Take things slow with Douglas and enjoy that beginning of possibilities feeling as much as you can :)

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No rest for the wicked

Friday, November 04, 2011

Last night my friend Tammy ended up back in the hospital. I spent the entire evening basically getting her back to the hospital. We had to make two ER trips before they admitted her.

I guess I don't have the luxury of falling apart anymore.

When I got home from all of this mess, I was just wiped. At least the kids were in bed. So I texted Terry. Told him I needed a friend. Please come over. Well, he answered, but he never came. It made me realize I don't even register as a friend for him.

That was the last straw. Anyone else I would have asked would have been there right now. In fact, Lee showed up at the ER to see if I was doing okay last night. I can't believe I let such a looser into my life. Again.

We're done. Not even friends anymore. Last night made that crystal clear. Next time I hear from him, I'll be telling him to loose my number. No more.

All I needed was a hug. A friend to be there for me for a while. Just even come and sit with me. Talk to me. Distract me while I find my strength to fight again. And he couldn't even be bothered. He lives 5 minutes down the road! What an ass.

Anyhow, I'm off to lick my wounds. Find my inner strength. And tackle this stress again. One thing I know for sure. If I don't start running EVERY DAY again soon, I'll loose my mind!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAREN_NY 11/4/2011 2:13PM

    ((((HUGS))))
I've gotta suggest dumping the toxins from your life, and changing your number.
I love pulling weeds from my garden - it's a very catharctic thing, and doing that *literally* once gave me all I needed to do it figuratively in my life as well! Good luck hon,
K:)


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JUSTME29 11/4/2011 9:50AM

    That's terrible. I hope Tammy gets better soon. Terry truly is an ass, and you definitely need him gone. Take care of yourself, and make time for what you want to do. If a run isn't in the cards today, maybe a long walk is. On a walk Tammy's kids can join you so you don't have to worry about what to do with them. Please take care of yourself first, and make sure your work and your life doesn't suffer trying to take care of other people.

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STAYPRESENT 11/4/2011 9:21AM

    Honey, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Find those friends who will be there for you and lean on them, ok.

Terri

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VEROISME 11/4/2011 8:56AM

    emoticon

you really need to cut all ties with him! You are sooo strong when you have to be, you can do it! I'm sorry things are such a mess for you right now!

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Lost touch with my inner strength

Thursday, November 03, 2011

I just realized something. I've lost touch with my inner strength. Again.

Yes, I do this quite often. When I'm aware of it and feeling well, I take for granted I'll never loose it again. I mean, it's right there. Inside me. I don't have to go searching for it. It's such a HUGE part of who I am. What I am.

But then life happens. I get sidetracked from my fitness goals. Exercise starts to fall by the wayside. And I loose touch with the inner goddess we all have inside of each of us.

I start to feel weak. Vulnerable. Lonely. Unsure of myself. Just overall not so good...

So here I am. Once again. Searching for my inner goddess. The strong one. To help propel me into my future.

Instead of realizing this was happening, I started to feel lonely. Looking for support and comfort outside of myself. I'm not saying finding comfort from friends/family/others is a bad thing. Heck, I honestly wish I had more. But right now I don't.

I keep forgetting I don't NEED it. It's nice to have, but its not a need. I can do for myself.

At least I've finally figured this out again.

Now it's time to go find my inner goddess. The strong one. The one that'll make me feel safe. Comforted. Cared for. She's there inside somewhere. I know she is.

How did I find her last time? Exercise helped. Feeling I can do anything I set my mind to. And it starts with the little things. Getting through a 30min run. Finishing it strong. Knowing I CAN DO THAT!!! I can do anything!!!

Looks like it's time to go for a run tonight.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAILIIA 11/4/2011 11:16AM

    Strong, proud and in a good headspace - ready to rock!

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TREESA57 11/4/2011 8:14AM

    Its like you wrote this for me to read. It is exactly what I needed to read. I HAVE to go inside me today. Your blog is my Oprah ah ha moment.
Thanks and have a great run!!!!! emoticon

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APRILAUTUMN1 11/3/2011 4:32PM

    Yes you can, Goddess!! More power to ya girlfriend;)

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KAREN42BOYS 11/3/2011 3:46PM

    My inner goddess needs to eat lots of vegetables. They make her power surge.

Go power up your woman!

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OJIBWEEQUAY 11/3/2011 2:41PM

    emoticon

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LIVIN_THE_LIFE 11/3/2011 2:29PM

    You are right!!! You can do it!

Enjoy your run!!!!

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