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Lost touch with my inner strength

Thursday, November 03, 2011

I just realized something. I've lost touch with my inner strength. Again.

Yes, I do this quite often. When I'm aware of it and feeling well, I take for granted I'll never loose it again. I mean, it's right there. Inside me. I don't have to go searching for it. It's such a HUGE part of who I am. What I am.

But then life happens. I get sidetracked from my fitness goals. Exercise starts to fall by the wayside. And I loose touch with the inner goddess we all have inside of each of us.

I start to feel weak. Vulnerable. Lonely. Unsure of myself. Just overall not so good...

So here I am. Once again. Searching for my inner goddess. The strong one. To help propel me into my future.

Instead of realizing this was happening, I started to feel lonely. Looking for support and comfort outside of myself. I'm not saying finding comfort from friends/family/others is a bad thing. Heck, I honestly wish I had more. But right now I don't.

I keep forgetting I don't NEED it. It's nice to have, but its not a need. I can do for myself.

At least I've finally figured this out again.

Now it's time to go find my inner goddess. The strong one. The one that'll make me feel safe. Comforted. Cared for. She's there inside somewhere. I know she is.

How did I find her last time? Exercise helped. Feeling I can do anything I set my mind to. And it starts with the little things. Getting through a 30min run. Finishing it strong. Knowing I CAN DO THAT!!! I can do anything!!!

Looks like it's time to go for a run tonight.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAILIIA 11/4/2011 11:16AM

    Strong, proud and in a good headspace - ready to rock!

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TREESA57 11/4/2011 8:14AM

    Its like you wrote this for me to read. It is exactly what I needed to read. I HAVE to go inside me today. Your blog is my Oprah ah ha moment.
Thanks and have a great run!!!!! emoticon

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APRILAUTUMN1 11/3/2011 4:32PM

    Yes you can, Goddess!! More power to ya girlfriend;)

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KAREN42BOYS 11/3/2011 3:46PM

    My inner goddess needs to eat lots of vegetables. They make her power surge.

Go power up your woman!

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OJIBWEEQUAY 11/3/2011 2:41PM

    emoticon

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LIVIN_THE_LIFE 11/3/2011 2:29PM

    You are right!!! You can do it!

Enjoy your run!!!!

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Today...

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Been taking it easy since yesterday. I know in my head why I'm sitting teetering on my breaking point. It's just a delayed reaction to all sorts of stuff. But I've found knowing is just not quite enough to to stop it all.

Tammy is back home. The fact she is out of the hospital and home with her kids is a huge part of why I'm letting go right now. I can relax. I can let the stress of it all hit me. I'm done having to hold it all together.

The stress of having to jump into her life and take care of her kids
The stress of the problems at work because of it.
The stress of Terry. Yes, he's still a stress. A minor one, but...

I have realized something these past few days. I don't want Terry. We kind of had issues on Sunday, and haven't really talked since. Just a few sentences here n there.

What I miss is being close to someone. Having someone there to hold me when I need to let this all go like I've been doing these past few hours. Feeling safe and secure. Protected. Like someone else will keep me safe while I just let my guard down and relax for a bit.

I KNOW that someone is not Terry. That's why I say I don't miss him. It's the other relationship stuff I miss. Especially right now.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Just keep plugging away I guess. I just wish I could take a short break from it all.

Maybe that's what my running time is. My short break from it all. My time to focus on me. Not worry or stress about life. Just get out there and do something good for me. Just for me. It doesn't benefit anyone else. No need to keep my guard up. Who cares if I'm crying when I run past. I'll be gone like a flash anyhow. And I can blame it on a hard workout if anyone really cares to ask.

I guess I have to admit it to myself. I'm really lonely lately. And I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWNAC304 11/3/2011 2:46PM

    I'm sorry you're still struggling. I hope the running helps.

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KAREN_NY 11/3/2011 12:23PM

    Running is fabulous therapy!! You'll find your way. :)

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JOAN_HEO 11/3/2011 9:36AM

    Wow! It sounds like your plate is full of all kinds of not so great stuff. I know what you mean about wanting to feel safe and protected but you know what? Only YOU can give you what you really need.

The running will help. If you don't believe me, read _Mile Markers...The 26.2 Most Important Reasons Why Women Run_ by Kristin Armstrong. It's so full of life's truths, I'm finishing it for the second time. It's wonderful.

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STAYPRESENT 11/3/2011 9:16AM

    Hi, glad you are sticking with the running. You are so right it is something you can do for yourself. It is a wonderful stress reliever. I have found that as long as a wrong person is in my life there isn't room for the right one to come.

Terri

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Reached my breaking point ....

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

I'm under so much stress lately. And I know it. But today at work I finally reached my breaking point. I have been pulled in 5 different directions today. And normally I do well with things like that. I actually like to be busy.

But with the stress from home this past week, and everyone at work under stress and getting more by trying to help me figure out these changes we need to make to the systems to make the switch over...

A supplier got back to me today. I was asking for the manufacturer and model number of a list of items we purchase from them. The supplier sent me a page that has something to do with requesting they bring in some new items they don't carry??? I have no idea what it was anyway.

I lost it. Responded that I was looking for information on things we already purchase. Not looking to change what they supply us with. And gave up. I printed off the list and gave it to our purchasing department.

I just can't do this anymore. I clearly ask for what I need. I need apples. Plain and simple. Apples. They give me toilet brushes? How is that even REMOTELY close??? I could see getting some oranges, because they are not sure. But toilet brushes????

I'm just a little overwhelmed. Top it all off with Colin. Yes, my ex-room mate Colin. He asked me a week ago if he could take my daughter and I to the concert Saturday night. I thought about it and agreed.

Well, today, knowing I'm busy, and feeling kinda lonely, he starts in with his "what's the plan". When I get pissed off and tell him I'm under too much stress right now to be planning HIS weekend for him, he starts up with "fine. ur busy. I'll stay away".

That was it. I let him have it. Both barrels. Told him that was the self destruct button for our friendship and I was not going to let him keep pushing it to see how many times he could get away with it. It was done. OVER.

Now he's pouting. Saying he was just asking if we were will on for the concert. Yeah Right!!! I've told him not to ask that way. I'm sick of being made to feel like if I don't plan HIS entire weekend, he's gonna pout. Hell, I can't even plan my own right now.

I really could use a hug. Just go somewhere. Leave the world at the door. Escape for a few hours. Relax.

I might ask a friend if I can come visit tonight. To do just that.

I really need to get back to running again soon too. It'll really help raise my threshold for stress back to where it should be.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTME29 11/3/2011 8:24AM

    *hugs*

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CRYMENIA 11/2/2011 10:56PM

    Lot's and Lot's of emoticon!
I hope things get better soon for you! Your an amazing woman and your right to not put up with the things you have had too. Stay strong and know that we are here for you as much as possible.
emoticon

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JERSEYFLOWER 11/2/2011 9:25PM

    emoticon

I don't have any constructive advice, but I wanted you to know that I'm listening and sending a hug your way.

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GR8TAWK 11/2/2011 8:51PM

    emoticon

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LINDA! 11/2/2011 8:33PM

    emoticonStress can cause us to be so frustrated.

Comment edited on: 11/2/2011 8:33:47 PM

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WANNABWERNER 11/2/2011 4:25PM

    emoticon and more emoticon hate those days....

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CYBERQT 11/2/2011 4:22PM

    emoticon

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VEROISME 11/2/2011 4:04PM

    emoticon

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SMILINGEYES88 11/2/2011 3:33PM

    emoticon I'm so sorry... That situation at work does seem EXTREMELY frustrating! I sincerely hope everything gets better soon!!

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Today ... Just kind of sitting in limbo

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

I was so tired yesterday it wasn't even funny. So it was a rough evening. Even the boys were tired. And RJ had too much sugar. But it was all okay. We got them all settled and into bed without too much problem. And we did it early.

Terry texted me yesterday. His cousin Russ - the one I met in Saskatoon this past August - well, his cousins brother died the night before. I thanked him for letting me know. And I got a hold of Russ right away.

Later that night, Terry asked if I'd talked to Russ. So I called him to let him know I was sorry to hear of his loss, and to see if he got my message from earlier. He seemed to be doing okay, but y'all know how that is

I had to admit it though. My heart went out to Terry again. I was wondering how he was feeling about all of this. I had to talk to Tammy. To get him out again.

Well, he invited himself over. I even picked up a few beer for him. But then changed my mind. When he got a hold of me, I didn't answer. I was already going to bed.

This morning, I saw him. I have no idea why he was up so early and in town. It's probibly because he spent the night in town somewhere. But why was he up and at the theatre so early? He know's my routine. Was this just so I would see him?

I don't know how to take it. Is he seeking me out? Or is he trying to make me jealous - trying to make me think he spent the night with his ex? I know she doesn't want him anyhow, but...

So instead of dealing with this baggage, I'm trying to put it all out of my mind. He's a grown man. None of my business what he does. Leave it at that and move on.

Man, it's going to be a long LONG day.

  


Today ... very tired and thinking of making a HUGE mistake, or maybe I already did

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

I'm just checking back in really quick. I don't have a lot of time to be online today. But right now I'm waiting for information to come in, and not expecting it for at least an hour or so.

Last night I went and picked up my daughter. It's nice to see her again. I miss her.

On my way, Terry found out I was going and taking the boys in my van. Well, he decided I needed to take Tammy's car. I know very well if I wanted to borrow the car, I could. Heck, I have the keys to it in my pocket! But the fact was he was telling me what to do again. And I was toying with him again too.

He doesn't know I got my tire fixed, and I didn't tell him. So he was texting Tammy and telling her I needed to fix my tire and needed to take her car to be safe. She was asking me, and I told her the way it was, and that I was jerking Terry's chain. She was laughing.

Well, as I pulled away, she texted me. She was really wondering what was up. Terry was so insistent. Almost like he cared. So I got mad and texted him. I wanted to know. And so did Tammy. Why he was acting like he cared.

Well, that started it. He said if I didn't want him to care, he'd stop it. I told him the problem seemed to be he didn't care enough. He wouldn't answer my questions. Told me he wouldn't text me because I was driving - I wasn't he just thought I was.

It's so frustrating with him. I finally told him, if he didn't start to talk to me, he'd lose me. Or maybe that's what he wanted.

And I left it like that. Until this morning. I haven't gotten enough sleep. I caved. Sent him a good morning text. Told him I know he's working, so not to get pissy about it. But I hope we can talk sometime.

I doubt I'll ever hear from him again. And I have to admit, I'm pretty much okay with that. What he doesn't get is he's already lost me. My mind is 100% sure I don't want him anymore. And my heart is 80% on board now too. Even if he started to fight for us, I could actually talk myself out of taking him back.

Poor guy. I actually feel kinda bad for him. He has no idea he's already lost the battle.

But I know Terry. He's going to start to chase. It won't be today. Probably not tomorrow either. But within a week or so. But I'll be long gone.

The one good thing I know. If I don't come around and draw him out to talk to me, he won't. So I can pretend he's not really missing me that much. As long as I stay away from him for a while...

Tammy wants me to move in with her for the winter. I'm not sure. I might, but it's so close to Terry's farm. I just don't know if it's a good idea. Hard to put out of mind, when he's not out of sight.

I really don't know what I'm gonna do for my living situation. And I told Tammy that. Right now, I can only focus on what I need to do today. And today I need to rest. Get my work done. Sleep. That's about it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOAN_HEO 11/3/2011 9:39AM

    As rotten a situation might seem, the fear of the unknown seems worse. Most of the time it's better.

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BAKERICLISA 11/2/2011 6:36AM

    You must confront your fears. If it is over then you must live your own life, not redesign it so you don't have to confront it. How long will you keep from going to your daughters place just so you wont have to pass his, months, years. You already know it's over, especially if it's down to text communication . . . not even a phone call.

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JUSTME29 11/1/2011 7:59PM

    Why do you have to move? Didn't you just move into your place not too long ago?

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TWINKIEQUEEN 11/1/2011 3:57PM

    sounds like you've made your decision about terry....good luck to you

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