Friday, September 30, 2011
Wow. I am suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to text Terry. Why? I don't want him back. I don't really care. But where is this coming from?
Am I that afraid of spending the weekend alone? What is wrong with me? I know I dodged a bullet with that one. Seriously. Drugs. Alcohol. Lying. Cheating.
So why do I even want to text him? What am I thinking?
I am thinking
just to let him know I am thinking of him
what harm is there in just saying hi?
you do random good morning texts all the time.
Why would I want to let him know I'm thinking of him? He'll just get it in his head he can use me. And the reality is I just might be silly enough to let him get away with it. Especially since I seem to be afraid of being lonely.
I know being alone is better than being with that creep. I know this. And alone does not mean lonely. I just can't seem to get my head around that one.
I guess that's my problem. I'm just lonely. And when I was with him, I never felt lonely. How twisted is that! That I'd consider wanting to spend time even just chatting with him to ward off loneliness.
But the reality is, even if he responded and we chatted for a few minutes this morning. The loneliness that would follow would be so much worse. I know today is hard. But look at yesterday. You did great. You felt great. You can get back to that 90% of the time. You just have to stay away from Terry. He'll only drag me down. I mean, yesterday I was happier than I ever really was with him. It was different with him. I was happy. But it was a new relationship happy. We did what he wanted all the time. I was okay with that. Especially since I had given up so much of what I enjoy doing. And lets face it, hanging out with friends is fun. I enjoyed it.
I sure do miss that now. I really don't know what to do.
I think that's my problem. I am feeling so lost. I don't know what to do with myself.
I think I'm going to send out my good mornings. I get why I really don't want to send one to Terry. Besides, I'd have to look him up to send it. And I won't.
The last time we chatted, he was trying to get me to deliver some take out for him. Using me basically. And bragging to his friends he could do it. He got really REALLY pissy when I didn't fall for it. So much so that he stopped talking to me the next day.
Since then, our last contact - and it wasn't even contact really - was when I returned his stuff and left him that note.
If I run after him now, he'll feel justified in seeing me as a stalker. The fact that I'm not chasing, I just miss him will be completely lost on him. I need to be strong. I need to put this all behind me. And texting him - even a simple good morning - will set me back to where I started. Over analyzing everything. His response. His lack of response.
I left the ball in his court with that letter. Now it's his turn. And I know he's moved on. That's what hurts so much. Feeling what I felt from him. So strong. And suddenly nothing. Nothing at all. I 'm not coping well with that.
I need to find some distractions this weekend. I can't spend a lot of money - I'm going to Calgary next weekend. Trip to San Francisco right after that. I need to save my pennies for that.
so what I can I do this weekend?
Clean the trailer
Set up my kick boxing bag
Clean out and wash the van
Charge my garmin/MP3 player
Text friends - and no, Terry is NOT A FRIEND!!!
Go online for a while
Look up stuff to do in SF
Find more videos
Make the camera straps.
Okay, I know I don't want to stay in my trailer much. But maybe that's a demon I need to face.
Why not? Because it make me feel more alone than I've been in a very very long time. But it's reality.
And what's wrong with being alone? I tend to let my thoughts race to things I shouldn't be dwelling on. Like Terry. This whole mess....
Okay, so that's something I have to get under control. But what's wrong with being alone? Just being there? I guess I'm scared of it.
What is there to be scared of? My own thoughts? Yes, they can terrorize me if I let them. But I need to deal with that. What else am I afraid of? Why can't I spend time alone?
I get bored. So what. Everyone get's bored sometimes. I need to discover who I am and what I want out of life.
I love to take pictures
I love spending time with people, but I'm so painfully shy it's not funny
I love to dance
Reading? I haven't in a while, but it's something I used to enjoy. Maybe it's time to learn something new...
I love learning. And teaching
I should go to the leisure center. The fitness and endorphins alone would be worth it. But so would the getting out and being around people again...
I enjoy fishing.
I am just feeling so useless. Both at work and at home. I have tried at work. The only way to fix that is to find a new job. As for at home, there is stuff that can be done. Why can't I just do it?
I am so glad I wrote all of this out of my head. I no longer want to text Terry. Not at all. Instead, I want to find out why I'm so afraid of being alone.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
I am feeling so much better right now. I am feeling strong. And excited. Tammy wants to learn to dance. So I'm going to arrange space for us to practice. I think teaching her to dance might re-ignite my passion for it as well. I am actually so excited about this I am ready to burst. It's great.
As for my other baby steps forward, I printed my list out. (see two blogs back for the list). It's sitting on my desk top. I am excited to tackle all sorts of steps today. I've got my water bottle here. I'm tracking every bite. I am smiling. And I keep reminding myself to keep it up.
All in all, I think today will be a great day.
I've been in touch about the space to dance. No price has been discussed yet, so I'm not sure I can make it work, but it's looking like they are willing to work with me on this. That'll be great.
I am also considering getting a membership to the leisure center. It's another excuse to get out of the house. Go out. Exercise. I'm not likely to meet anyone, but it'll get me out of the house and around people again. I really need that.
Oh, and I'm really happy today. Genuinely happy. Even when I've caught myself thinking about Terry. I force those thoughts out. And tell myself it'll only destroy how I'm feeling right now.
Oh. I talked to Bruce. He's okay if I move back to Calgary. And he figures if I come back, we can see someone. Maybe try again. But no expectations. Nothing like that.
Hmm. Maybe this is the path I should be getting myself on. Away from the people hooked on drugs. Full of hate. People who will take advantage, rather than help.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
I was going to blog about my feelings, and how Terry was involved in them.
But you know what, I finally realized that it's not Terry. Terry is just a symptom of something deeper. I need to look past him. Besides. There is nothing there. Really. Nothing. I thought there was something there, but I don't like what I saw in the past few weeks. He's got the ability to hurt people he says he cares about. And deep down, I believe he will someday realize he lost one of the best things that ever happened to him. But that's not on me. He did it. He pushed. He hurt me. I can forgive almost anything. But not lying, cheating, dishonesty. I can't forgive someone I trusted, who went behind my back to cheat, or lie. Or hurt me like that. I'll never be able to trust them again.
Besides, I was looking at a pic of Terry last night. He's really not all that much to look at. I was attracted to something I saw inside. But his demons are destroying that person inside. I can't take that baggage on.
So it's time to look past that.
I miss my kids. I miss my home in Calgary. I don't even know if my ex still loves me or not. I have always known he's a good man. Maybe it's time to talk to him about it again. I'm going home in a couple weeks. And we are all going to be spending just over a week together. Travelling and all. Maybe it's time to think about fixing this mess.
After all, what exactly am I looking for?
someone who loves me
someone who wants to be with me
someone who can take care of me when I need help
someone I can be there for
someone I want to be there for.
a best friend - someone I can tell anything to.
Bruce and I just grew apart. We started to get so angry with each other, and didn't know how to fix it.
Maybe with this time apart, we might have a chance to fix it. I know I am missing him. Our life together. Even if Bruce want's to try again, I know it's not going to be easy. There is a reason we went our separate ways. We will need to see if we can rebuild on what is now. Maybe we can't. Who knows.
I guess I need to talk to him. See if he's even interested in trying or not. Maybe he's realizing he's better off without me...
Aside from that, I need to reconnect with my kids. I don't even know how really. My daughter and I are running a race in Disneyland this January. I'm looking forward to that. I hope she is too. My son just wants me to come home. Maybe it's time...
I could go home and take over the business from Bruce again. He wants to just shut it down anyhow.
Or I could find some other work. I am capable. Not sure I'll find exactly what I want. The economy in Calgary is not that strong yet, but it might be worth it. To rebuild the family.
I just don't know. One way to find out. I just sent Bruce a message. Asking if he's got time to talk.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
I was sitting here at my computer realizing I was in a dangerous state this morning. I am just in a daze. Can't completely cheer up. Can't shake the Terry thoughts. And yes, I get it's not about Terry. I guess it never really was. It was about abandonment, lonliness, missing my kids, missing my friends, missing my lifestyle back home. Anyhow, that's another blog - probibly in about 10 minutes actually....
But back to this blog. I was sitting here. Realizing if I don't actively do something to snap out of it, I'm in for a day of heart ache.
Then I saw someone on a huddle. They needed support. No idea who they are. Not on my friends list. Just someone reaching out for support.
Being so thoughtless and wrapped up in my own thing, I passed it by. But it kept calling my name out. So I went back and found it.
Went to their page. Asked what I can do to help today. If they just needed a cheering section, I provided that too.
Suggested they look at the next baby step forward and take it. No matter how small. A glass of water? A piece of fruit? Anything that would move them forward.
Then I thought about what I said. Thought about a quote I found yesterday too. Be more afraid of standing still than progress. Not word for word, but you get the basic idea.
Here I am sitting still. Yes, I've needed time to heal. I still do. But I can start to help the process by not sitting here waiting for it to happen.
And it doesn't have to be a huge gesture. Yes, returning Terry's things on Monday was huge. It needed to be done. And I get taking Tuesday off to recover. It was a hard thing to do.
But all the huge steps are done. Now I need to look at what baby steps I can take today to start moving forward with life again.
I figure if I just list a whole bunch, and do what I can, it's progress. I don't expect to be able to do all of these today, but it'll give me an idea of how to move forward again. I feel like I've forgotten.
Drink another glass of water
Track that food you just put in your mouth NOW!
Go for a walk around the block
Look up San Francisco and things to do on your trip.
Encourage someone struggling on SP to move forward one step
Eat a freggie
Take the time to give yourself that mani/pedi
Call one of the kids and just talk
Text a friend from Calgary to see what they are up to
Set up the kickboxing bag
Clean out the van - wash it too
Contact Jocelyn about the Orpheum web site?
Charge the mp3 player/Garmin
Pick up the fabric to make the camera strap cover
Make the camera strap cover.
That's a pretty long list. Now to just do one or two things on it today. I'll bet you anything just accomplishing one might be enough to help me push away these clouds.
So, I've got my steps outlined. Now I need to decide which one(s), I'm going to take today. Not tomorrow. Today.
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