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Need a plan of attack for the weekend

Friday, September 30, 2011

I can already tell it's going to be a tough one. So this blog will be filled with stuff I want to get done this weekend. Things I can do, or will do.

Go fishing
Text Friends
Go online - find videos and music. Nickleback!

Get meditation information. I think this one is a key to this weekend. Meditation and Yoga.

Clean the trailer
Organize my stuff so I can pack for Calgary/San Francisco.
Set up the kickboxing bag
Charge my MP3 player/Garmin
Clean out and wash the van
Make the camera strap covers
Run. Run. Run
Give myself that mani/pedicure. Heck, maybe even go get a professional manicure...
Go take pictures
Go to the leisure center - workout and hot tub!

I want to return the housecoat I have in the van, and exchange it for another one. I really don't like the one I have. And they brought in some I like so much better yesterday...

Lee wants to go out for supper. Why not call him up and go. Just someone to talk to. Make a new friend. He's feeling kind of lonely too these days.

I guess I could learn how to change the oil in the van. Or take it in for an oil change. Either way, it needs one before my trip.

Wow. So much I can do. How can I feel lonely?

I really need to look into this lonely thing. It's what kept me living with Colin for so long, and that was toxic. It's what's keeping me feel like I'm tied to Terry, and I KNOW that's toxic too.

Hmm. I'll let you know what I find out...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTME29 9/30/2011 10:48PM

    I, on the other hand, have been absolutely craving solitude lately. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and cherish the time with them, but lately I just really want some alone time and it's not happening.

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GARDENCHRIS 9/30/2011 11:36AM

    journal what you are feeling when these thought come into your head... I found it helped me a lot, plus you can go back and read it, to see how far you have come. emoticon

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Today ... feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Wow. I am suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to text Terry. Why? I don't want him back. I don't really care. But where is this coming from?

Am I that afraid of spending the weekend alone? What is wrong with me? I know I dodged a bullet with that one. Seriously. Drugs. Alcohol. Lying. Cheating.

So why do I even want to text him? What am I thinking?

I am thinking
just to let him know I am thinking of him
what harm is there in just saying hi?
you do random good morning texts all the time.

Why would I want to let him know I'm thinking of him? He'll just get it in his head he can use me. And the reality is I just might be silly enough to let him get away with it. Especially since I seem to be afraid of being lonely.

I know being alone is better than being with that creep. I know this. And alone does not mean lonely. I just can't seem to get my head around that one.

I guess that's my problem. I'm just lonely. And when I was with him, I never felt lonely. How twisted is that! That I'd consider wanting to spend time even just chatting with him to ward off loneliness.

But the reality is, even if he responded and we chatted for a few minutes this morning. The loneliness that would follow would be so much worse. I know today is hard. But look at yesterday. You did great. You felt great. You can get back to that 90% of the time. You just have to stay away from Terry. He'll only drag me down. I mean, yesterday I was happier than I ever really was with him. It was different with him. I was happy. But it was a new relationship happy. We did what he wanted all the time. I was okay with that. Especially since I had given up so much of what I enjoy doing. And lets face it, hanging out with friends is fun. I enjoyed it.

I sure do miss that now. I really don't know what to do.

I think that's my problem. I am feeling so lost. I don't know what to do with myself.

I think I'm going to send out my good mornings. I get why I really don't want to send one to Terry. Besides, I'd have to look him up to send it. And I won't.

The last time we chatted, he was trying to get me to deliver some take out for him. Using me basically. And bragging to his friends he could do it. He got really REALLY pissy when I didn't fall for it. So much so that he stopped talking to me the next day.

Since then, our last contact - and it wasn't even contact really - was when I returned his stuff and left him that note.

If I run after him now, he'll feel justified in seeing me as a stalker. The fact that I'm not chasing, I just miss him will be completely lost on him. I need to be strong. I need to put this all behind me. And texting him - even a simple good morning - will set me back to where I started. Over analyzing everything. His response. His lack of response.

I left the ball in his court with that letter. Now it's his turn. And I know he's moved on. That's what hurts so much. Feeling what I felt from him. So strong. And suddenly nothing. Nothing at all. I 'm not coping well with that.

I need to find some distractions this weekend. I can't spend a lot of money - I'm going to Calgary next weekend. Trip to San Francisco right after that. I need to save my pennies for that.

so what I can I do this weekend?
emoticon Clean the trailer
emoticon Laundry
emoticon Set up my kick boxing bag
emoticon Clean out and wash the van
emoticon Charge my garmin/MP3 player
emoticon Run
emoticon Text friends - and no, Terry is NOT A FRIEND!!!
emoticon Smile
emoticon Smile more
emoticon Go online for a while
emoticon Look up stuff to do in SF
emoticon Find more videos
emoticon Make the camera straps.

Okay, I know I don't want to stay in my trailer much. But maybe that's a demon I need to face.

Why not? Because it make me feel more alone than I've been in a very very long time. But it's reality.

And what's wrong with being alone? I tend to let my thoughts race to things I shouldn't be dwelling on. Like Terry. This whole mess....

Okay, so that's something I have to get under control. But what's wrong with being alone? Just being there? I guess I'm scared of it.

What is there to be scared of? My own thoughts? Yes, they can terrorize me if I let them. But I need to deal with that. What else am I afraid of? Why can't I spend time alone?

I get bored. So what. Everyone get's bored sometimes. I need to discover who I am and what I want out of life.

I love to take pictures
I love spending time with people, but I'm so painfully shy it's not funny
I love to dance
Reading? I haven't in a while, but it's something I used to enjoy. Maybe it's time to learn something new...
I love learning. And teaching
I should go to the leisure center. The fitness and endorphins alone would be worth it. But so would the getting out and being around people again...
I enjoy fishing.

I am just feeling so useless. Both at work and at home. I have tried at work. The only way to fix that is to find a new job. As for at home, there is stuff that can be done. Why can't I just do it?

I am so glad I wrote all of this out of my head. I no longer want to text Terry. Not at all. Instead, I want to find out why I'm so afraid of being alone.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GARDENCHRIS 9/30/2011 11:32AM

    You are WORTH SO MUCH more than you give yourself credit for!

You DO NOT DESERVE to be treated this way, ask yourself would you treat your best friend this way??? NO !!! YOU are your own BEST friend.

We have all been at some points in this... DO NOT contact this self destructive person who will destroy you in the process.

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BNSUHAS 9/30/2011 11:00AM

    Reading your blogs reminds me so much of how I felt when I left my fiance.. I think as women we want to know that our ex hasn't just completely forgotten about us and moved on because we haven't forgotten about them. All of the thoughts that you are having are completely normal after a break up. The thing that I've never understood is how we can fight to bring logic to the situation, but the manic thoughts continue. It really is maddening, but you are doing the right thing. The longer you refrain from talking to him the easier it will become and the more things that you cross off of that list the better you will feel. Move more.. move as much as possible. Exhaust yourself so that you are too tired to think about him and so that you will sleep. If you are an animal person and have the capability to, adopt a dog.. they are wonderful companions during this time and you can exercise them and snuggle them. If you already have one, take it to dog parks and obedience classes and for long walks... this really helped me. Be selfish.. do things that you want to do, but have never had time to do. Push yourself out of your comfort zone. Over time you will find that you do not feel lonely any more and that sometimes it is better to wake up every day knowing that you are not being lied to than to be with someone such as Terry. If he does ever contact you again, do your best to ignore him.. let him know how it feels because you are strong and he's proved to you time and time again that he is weak.

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PAMTHER 9/30/2011 10:27AM

    It sounds like you have a toxic relationship with this Terry fella. You would never sit down to a nice glass of antifreeze(poison) so don't sit down and let anything about your ex-relationship with him poison you anymore. You're stronger than that. And by the way, he doesn't deserve you. In case you're curious, yes I am speaking from personal experience. Keep you chin up, keep busy, and don't ever go back. He is not your friend!

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Today ... moving forward

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I am feeling so much better right now. I am feeling strong. And excited. Tammy wants to learn to dance. So I'm going to arrange space for us to practice. I think teaching her to dance might re-ignite my passion for it as well. I am actually so excited about this I am ready to burst. It's great.

As for my other baby steps forward, I printed my list out. (see two blogs back for the list). It's sitting on my desk top. I am excited to tackle all sorts of steps today. I've got my water bottle here. I'm tracking every bite. I am smiling. And I keep reminding myself to keep it up.

All in all, I think today will be a great day.

I've been in touch about the space to dance. No price has been discussed yet, so I'm not sure I can make it work, but it's looking like they are willing to work with me on this. That'll be great.

I am also considering getting a membership to the leisure center. It's another excuse to get out of the house. Go out. Exercise. I'm not likely to meet anyone, but it'll get me out of the house and around people again. I really need that.

Oh, and I'm really happy today. Genuinely happy. Even when I've caught myself thinking about Terry. I force those thoughts out. And tell myself it'll only destroy how I'm feeling right now.

Oh. I talked to Bruce. He's okay if I move back to Calgary. And he figures if I come back, we can see someone. Maybe try again. But no expectations. Nothing like that.

Hmm. Maybe this is the path I should be getting myself on. Away from the people hooked on drugs. Full of hate. People who will take advantage, rather than help.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHELLYBABE2 9/30/2011 9:38AM


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SPARKLISE 9/29/2011 8:32PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NATESMOM1910 9/29/2011 8:01PM

    I'm happy to read that you are looking toward the future. emoticon

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SLEEPYDEAN 9/29/2011 7:15PM

    Yay for those little things that make you happy.

One more thing to add to the Good list - NWM is in less than 17 days!!!

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Reflecting on this hurt again...

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I was going to blog about my feelings, and how Terry was involved in them.

But you know what, I finally realized that it's not Terry. Terry is just a symptom of something deeper. I need to look past him. Besides. There is nothing there. Really. Nothing. I thought there was something there, but I don't like what I saw in the past few weeks. He's got the ability to hurt people he says he cares about. And deep down, I believe he will someday realize he lost one of the best things that ever happened to him. But that's not on me. He did it. He pushed. He hurt me. I can forgive almost anything. But not lying, cheating, dishonesty. I can't forgive someone I trusted, who went behind my back to cheat, or lie. Or hurt me like that. I'll never be able to trust them again.

Besides, I was looking at a pic of Terry last night. He's really not all that much to look at. I was attracted to something I saw inside. But his demons are destroying that person inside. I can't take that baggage on.

So it's time to look past that.

I miss my kids. I miss my home in Calgary. I don't even know if my ex still loves me or not. I have always known he's a good man. Maybe it's time to talk to him about it again. I'm going home in a couple weeks. And we are all going to be spending just over a week together. Travelling and all. Maybe it's time to think about fixing this mess.

After all, what exactly am I looking for?
someone who loves me
someone who wants to be with me
someone who can take care of me when I need help
someone I can be there for
someone I want to be there for.
a best friend - someone I can tell anything to.

Bruce and I just grew apart. We started to get so angry with each other, and didn't know how to fix it.

Maybe with this time apart, we might have a chance to fix it. I know I am missing him. Our life together. Even if Bruce want's to try again, I know it's not going to be easy. There is a reason we went our separate ways. We will need to see if we can rebuild on what is now. Maybe we can't. Who knows.

I guess I need to talk to him. See if he's even interested in trying or not. Maybe he's realizing he's better off without me...

Aside from that, I need to reconnect with my kids. I don't even know how really. My daughter and I are running a race in Disneyland this January. I'm looking forward to that. I hope she is too. My son just wants me to come home. Maybe it's time...

I could go home and take over the business from Bruce again. He wants to just shut it down anyhow.

Or I could find some other work. I am capable. Not sure I'll find exactly what I want. The economy in Calgary is not that strong yet, but it might be worth it. To rebuild the family.

I just don't know. One way to find out. I just sent Bruce a message. Asking if he's got time to talk.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALIPIDGIOUS 9/29/2011 12:50PM

    I hope that no matter what the outcome with Bruce is, that you enjoy the time you will have with your children. That can help to ground anyone with what is truly important and meaningful!

Maybe you are right and maybe it is time to return to a life you had built that is waiting (parts of it anyway) for you. Maybe not but hopefully your trip home will give you an inclination of where your heart calls home.

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YICHE12 9/29/2011 12:32PM

    No-one said this would be easy. You still seem to be searching for yourself but do make sure that you don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. Go back home to be close to your children, talk to Bruce and if you both decide to try again, attempt to do some courting first before actually starting to live together again. Another thing that could help is seeing someone who can help you like a family therapist. I wish you well. Many emoticon

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SPARKCHANTAL 9/29/2011 11:21AM

    hmmmmm. love yourself unconditionally first, then you'll know who really loves you and not try to find 'substitute love', only to be disappointed one day... (maybe?)

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CARROT143 9/29/2011 11:13AM

    emoticon Its a journey of self-discovery, not always pretty, not always what we expect, and never easy. But you're doing it and I know you'll find your way.

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*ERICA* 9/29/2011 11:03AM


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BNSUHAS 9/29/2011 10:54AM

    You need to do what will make you happy... I completely understand the desire to rebuild something that is familiar. You know what disappointment to expect from him and from your relationship together, whereas new relationships are scary due to the unknown. Rebuilding the life with your family sounds great, but there must have been real reasons that it didn't work the first time. I've had that thought many times about going back to my ex and I know that I'd just be putting a band aid on a much deeper problem.. it will never hold. My advice would be not to make any major decisions while you are grieving the loss of your relationship.. You may regret it. Ultimately only you know, what's best for you, but nowhere on that list did it mention that you were looking for someone that YOU loved... maybe it's a coincidence.. maybe not. Just think long and hard about it. Best of luck! You deserve all the happiness in the world.. just don't settle

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Today ... baby steps forward!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I was sitting here at my computer realizing I was in a dangerous state this morning. I am just in a daze. Can't completely cheer up. Can't shake the Terry thoughts. And yes, I get it's not about Terry. I guess it never really was. It was about abandonment, lonliness, missing my kids, missing my friends, missing my lifestyle back home. Anyhow, that's another blog - probibly in about 10 minutes actually....

But back to this blog. I was sitting here. Realizing if I don't actively do something to snap out of it, I'm in for a day of heart ache.

Then I saw someone on a huddle. They needed support. No idea who they are. Not on my friends list. Just someone reaching out for support.

Being so thoughtless and wrapped up in my own thing, I passed it by. But it kept calling my name out. So I went back and found it.

Went to their page. Asked what I can do to help today. If they just needed a cheering section, I provided that too.

Suggested they look at the next baby step forward and take it. No matter how small. A glass of water? A piece of fruit? Anything that would move them forward.

Then I thought about what I said. Thought about a quote I found yesterday too. Be more afraid of standing still than progress. Not word for word, but you get the basic idea.

Here I am sitting still. Yes, I've needed time to heal. I still do. But I can start to help the process by not sitting here waiting for it to happen.

And it doesn't have to be a huge gesture. Yes, returning Terry's things on Monday was huge. It needed to be done. And I get taking Tuesday off to recover. It was a hard thing to do.

But all the huge steps are done. Now I need to look at what baby steps I can take today to start moving forward with life again.

I figure if I just list a whole bunch, and do what I can, it's progress. I don't expect to be able to do all of these today, but it'll give me an idea of how to move forward again. I feel like I've forgotten.

emoticon Drink another glass of water
emoticon Track that food you just put in your mouth NOW!
emoticon Go for a walk around the block
emoticon Smile.
emoticon Look up San Francisco and things to do on your trip.
emoticon Encourage someone struggling on SP to move forward one step
emoticon Eat a freggie
emoticon Take the time to give yourself that mani/pedi
emoticon Call one of the kids and just talk
emoticon Text a friend from Calgary to see what they are up to
emoticon Set up the kickboxing bag
emoticon Laundry
emoticon Dishes
emoticon Clean out the van - wash it too
emoticon Contact Jocelyn about the Orpheum web site?
emoticon Charge the mp3 player/Garmin
emoticon Pick up the fabric to make the camera strap cover
emoticon Make the camera strap cover.

That's a pretty long list. Now to just do one or two things on it today. I'll bet you anything just accomplishing one might be enough to help me push away these clouds.

So, I've got my steps outlined. Now I need to decide which one(s), I'm going to take today. Not tomorrow. Today.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YIWEN39 9/30/2011 3:21AM

    Way to go :-)
Keep on ticking off those baby steps, and feel yourself get better, more in control :-)
emoticon emoticon

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CALIPIDGIOUS 9/29/2011 12:46PM

    Great job!

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BLUEROSE73 9/29/2011 10:35AM

    I just printed off my list of baby steps. I'm keeping it on my desktop today. And tomorrow. And the next day. Until I'm ready to add new steps because I've taken all of these ones. Or just am ready to take other steps as well.

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STILLOUT2LUNCH 9/29/2011 9:47AM

    I love that you stepped outside yourself to help someone else. I have found that doing something for others always gets me away from my pity party. I think you're doing terrific. Keep it up and keep smiling whether you feel like it or not. It really helps.


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BRAND-NEW-DAY 9/29/2011 9:36AM

    Great BLOG!!! Pick your most important things on your list then make a plan for the rest. Personally I would sett up the kick boxing bag and beat the heck out of Terry!!


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