Monday, September 26, 2011
Stand for something or fall for anything.
What do you stand for?
Have you ever thought about the power of having a purpose? Everyone needs something that gets them moving in the morning, keeps them going through the day, and makes them continue to work toward a goal. Take some time to think about the activities you are involved in and how they relate to your personal purpose. For the activities that don't serve your purpose, ask yourself why you continue with them. Perhaps you need to reevaluate your commitments and renew your conviction toward your purpose.
I am so lost from this. Right now I am struggling to just get up and be every day. Why do I let people hurt me this bad? And yes, I let it happen. I was too trusting. And too clingy.
The worst part, I don't want this to change who I fundamentally am. I like that I'm a trusting person. That I am a caring person. Yes, clingy tends to come from those two. I just have to watch out for it. But I don't want to close myself off again. Been there. Done that. Suffered major depression because of it.
I just feel so lost right now...
Maybe this is the grieving process I was supposed to go through a couple of times now. Maybe that's why it's so overwhelming this time. Because I skipped it a few times.
This really sucks. Guess the only way to get past this is to go through it.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Sweet, sour, bitter, pungent, all must be tasted.
- Chinese proverb
All things pass eventually
Have you ever heard the concept of "seasons" in life? It refers to an idea that nothing in life lasts forever, and with time, all things change. Do you feel like your life is in an unhappy state? Are you stuck in a rut? It will pass! Sadly, this also applies to the good times as well. The elation of a promotion, the excitement of a new relationship--all will fade with time. Think creatively about how to maximize the sweet times and minimize the sour ones.
Okay, I knew as soon as I got this message in my inbox, I'd have to reflect on it. I guess today is the day.
I was well into the middle of my reflection, and for some reason, my computer lost it. I am so not happy about that, but I'll try again.
I know in my head this hurt with Terry will pass. But he absolutely humiliated me this past week. I've only been hurt that badly by people I thought were my friends a handful of times. That's why I'm so shy and withdrawn. I can't believe it's happened again.
Did I never mean anything to him? In my head, if I ever meant anything, he wouldn't have done this.
But I guess he was getting a lot of flack from his friends. It was adding way too much stress to his life. So he tried to fight it off. Maybe the only way he knew how.
I guess he just doesn't get it. How much what he said and did hurt me. Embarrassed me. Heck, let's be honest. I'm humiliated. I don't know if I can ever recover from this one. Not with these people anyhow...
I lost so much more than just a relationship this past couple of weeks. I've lost my trust in people. I'm starting to loose my belief that deep down, everyone has good in them.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there are some people out there who just want to hurt others. Make themselves look better by tearing down and hurting others.
I so desperately want to talk to Terry about this. Let him know if what I've been told is true, just how badly he hurt me. But I also know right now he won't hear me. He'll be completely shut down to it. So why bother.
I know in my head the best way to deal with this is to just walk away. Have nothing to do with any of them. Even Tammy may be lost to me as a friend when this is all said and done.
But I don't want to cut out good people. I just don't know what to believe. I think what Tammy's been saying.
I think I have figured out how to find out for sure what is being said to whom. I'll turn to someone else who said they are a friend. Someone who's been acting a little strange, but I think he'll be honest with me if I come out and ask him. He is like that.
I guess within the next couple of days, I'll hopefully have a better idea who my friends are, and who's lying to me. If not, I may have to run from the whole bunch...
Monday, September 26, 2011
Well, the information about Terry going to Regina for the weekend was a lie. So was so much more.
Terry was telling me I was welcome on the farm. In fact, he was inviting me to go. And then he'd go home and tell Harry - his room mate - that he never invited me and didn't want me there.
Needless to say, when I found out on Friday this was going on, I was humiliated. I sent Harry a message. Let him know things just felt strange. I was going to go fishing instead. Give Terry some time and space.
Well, that night I got texts from Terry asking me to come out. When I told him I was too busy, he decided he was going to come into town and see me. Told him again I was too busy.
Then he kind of went off the deep end. From telling me to have a good night. To Telling me he was going to pick up his stuff on Monday. Back n forth. I finally stopped responding. Then I got a text that he was in town.
I heard him drive by. I got up and left my place for the night.
Pretended I didn't get his last 6 messages until morning. Then I texted, said my phone was off, and asked if he was okay. Got a few short responses. Finally asked if he was mad. No answer. So I guess I know...
At one point the night before, he said I was acting different. I sent him a message on Saturday, yes I was. Because I was hurting.
Still no answer. He's been in touch with Tammy. I guess he went home alone on Saturday night. Bed early.
I can't believe he's doing this. I am so embarrassed. I never thought he'd be so mean.
I went home on Saturday. Packed up all his stuff. And put it in a box. Emailed his room mate on Sunday. Told him I want to return Terry's stuff - sometime when he's not there. Maybe have a drink with him (Harry) too. It's not looking like it's going to happen anytime soon. I guess I'll find out.
I did write Terry a good bye letter and put in in the box. I'm still not 100% sure I'll send it or not. But it helped. I can't seem to talk to him. To let him know I'm sorry for my part in this mess. But it is what it is.
There is too much drama around this whole relationship at this point. I don't need that in my life.
So I'm walking away. Period.
I am just so sad still. I miss the man I knew.
But he's gone. Time to move on.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Okay. I miss Terry. I admit it. But I really missed him these past two weeks. But it wasn`t my doing that took him from me. Drugs? Someone else? Stress?
Okay, I know what it was now. Yes, he was thinking of going back to Cheryl. I think he even talked to her about it. But she turned him down. He won't admit this to me. I found out by asking the right questions at the right times. Add to that the fact he called me Cheryl a couple of times last night...
As for drugs? I am still not sure about this one. Maybe...
Stress? Absolutely. Unfortunately, he's under a lot of pressure at work. He's not coping well with this stress. But I'm willing to try and wait it out.
So, the reality is I miss him. A lot.
Can I handle a relationship where I have to play games? If I don't text or contact him, I know I'll hear from him more often. That'll help.
I just don't know if I even want to try at this point. I don't want to have to start playing games at my age.
But that kiss good bye this morning was so nice. I really missed that. Yes, he was in a rush. But he still took a couple seconds a couple of times to kiss me good bye.
I really don't know.
I personally think, what I need to do right now is give us both time and space. I will keep to myself. Keep myself busy. When he contacts me, I'll respond. Otherwise, nothing. I need my space now too.
Last night was rough. I actually started to really piss Terry off. He just wouldn't hear what I was saying. I guess he just doesn't get it. But then I realized I wasn't hearing him either. We have a real issue here.
Maybe some time appart will help. I figure he either forgot how bad it was last night - the fighting. Or he is selectively remembering. I know he doesn't remember much sometimes...
Not good. I know.
Maybe I'll just let well enough alone right now. He's going to Regina on Friday to work. Guess that means he's likely to be gone all weekend. Maybe I'll go to Harry's on Friday. It would be nice to get out and spend time with friends. Have fun. Have a few...
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I am seriously dazed. And a little confused.
Last night I went to Tammy's. She kept insisting she didn't need help, but I went anyway.
As soon as I got there, we left. She was so embarrased that she wanted to run, so we ran. Straight to Dale's for a drink.
Well, she decided to invite Terry. When we got there she asked if I was okay with that. I told her it was fine. No biggie. As long as he knew I was there and wasn't stalking him or anything stupid like that.
Well, it took him about an hour to get there, but he did show up.
And we all drank. That's partly why I'm still dazed. I'm not sure if my body went crazy - not eating right all week. I only had 4 drinks, but I'm still impaired. Part of me is wondering about this...
Anyhow, Terry was reaching out to me. He wanted to come over. I told him no. I was worth more. He knows it. I know it.
Anyhow, this went on all evening. I was starting to get through to him. Then he was getting pushy again. I finally asked him. Do you think I'm worth the wait?
He got mad. I left. Just got up and drove home. Right then and there. Grabbed my bag of stuff and left. Took 2 seconds on my way past to say bye to Tammy, and out the door.
I wasn't even half way home, and a truck was following me. Flashing high beams. It was Terry.
I figured if he wanted to follow me, we could talk.
Let him in.
Anyhow, we spent most of the night talking, arguing, and getting it all out. He finally told me why he's running. I get it. I am over the top at times. Especially yesterday. I was hurt. I told him that.
Well, this morning I let him sleep. Left him my key.
I'm not sure if we are going to start over from here, or go our separate ways. I'm really not sure. I think right now I'm okay with either. If he's not willing to compromise, then I'm willing to walk.
And I think I'm finally ready to do this.
As for Tammy, while we were partying at Dales, she was honest with me. We ran because she was embarrassed. I told her not to be. I've been there. I've been worse. The best thing that happened to me then was friends. Helping me out. I'm there. No judgement. No comments. Nothing but help. And I'll never say anything about it. Not to anyone.
She almost started to cry she was so happy.
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