Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I have been saying for a long time what I'm looking for. It's a bit of a long list, and was ready to accept I'd NEVER find it all. But it was my dream list.
Someone who really cares about me
Someone who is happy I'm just there
Someone who wants me
Someone who loves me for who I am, not who they think I could be
Someone I'll want to make as happy as they make me
Someone who wants to take care of me
Someone I'll want to take care of
Someone who can be happy just holding me.
I notice things. When he thinks I'm not looking, I see him just staring at me. I have looked back. He doesn't hide it. There's something there in his eyes. He's so happy I'm there with him. But there's more to it.
I used to think I was the only one who'd do that. Just stare and take it all in. Notice the little things. I've never met anyone who also does that.
At first, I'd notice him looking and I'd look back to see what he was looking at. I'd even ask him. He'd just smile and say nothin. He'd ask me if I minded him looking. I'd just smile and say no, and not even give it a second thought. But there is something more in his eyes. I find myself drawn to him more and more. I didn't even realize it was happening yesterday, but I'm starting to find myself staring at him. Just gazing. Wondering. Realizing just how happy I am to just be there.
I don't believe in love at first sight. I really don't. Heck, I'm not even really sure love actually exists. I mean true, no strings attached, love you no matter what love. But something's different this time. And it's more than physical attraction. I've had very strong physical attraction to someone before. This goes beyond that.
I was worried about it all for a while. But now I've decided to not. Just to relax and enjoy feeling this happy.
I'm not saying I'm in love, especially since I don't know if that exists. But I am saying I am really happy.
He is not perfect. I know no one is. Realistically, he's the kind of person I wouldn't have even given a second look. He's not a bad looking man - that's not why. He has habits that are very different from mine. A very different lifestyle. But he accepts mine and doesn't push me to change for him. I actually think he likes the way I am. I don't drink. Don't do drugs of any sort. He drinks. I've even seen him really drunk. And stoned. Nothing really hard, but he does smoke pot. Like I said, very different lifestyles.
But when he introduces me to his friends, he's not hiding anything. He even seems proud of who I am and the choices I've made for my life. I think he can't believe he's got someone like me in his life either. I've heard him tell his friends "you'll never believe this. she doesn't drink or smoke at all." I've told him I do drink, but not often.
His room mate told me yesterday he's never seen Terry happier. They had both given up on finding the one. They just are not going to settle for what's out there. In fact, Harry (Terry's room mate) told me yesterday, Terry's only had 2 girlfriends in the past 6 years or so. He just wasn't interested in someone for the night. If it didn't have long term potential, he wasn't even interested.
I am so happy today. It's from feeling so loved. No other words really fit here. I just feel so incredibly loved today. It's nice.
oh boy. Am I ever in trouble...
What a mess today. Colin has been texting me for the past few days. Anyhow, today he told me he's really hurting now. He finally realized he loved me. Why do guys do this? Treat you like crap until you're gone. Then they decide you were worth it?
Anyhow, during our texting, he told me he hopes I am happy with my new friend. I told him he is very interested in me, but I'm so afraid of being hurt again. Not going to get carried away with this right now. So Colin knows I'm gone for good.
Despite this "stuff", I am still happy. I told Colin I was sorry he didn't figure it out sooner. And I'm sorry but to please not say it right now. It'll hurt too much. And it really will. I'm sick of people in my life treating me so badly. Not listening when I'm begging them to stop it or they'll loose me. Then once I'm gone, they sing a different tune.
Maybe that's why I'm so happy now. Terry's not afraid to tell me how he feels. And not only tell me. I can see it. I'm not used to that.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Well, I went over to see Terry again last night. A mutual friend of ours texted me and told me Terry is really sweet on me. Lol. Had to tell Terry. Watched him get all red, but it's nothing I didn't already know.
The way he looks at me when he thinks I don't notice. I know that look. The poor boy is really smitten. He makes me smile. It's been a very VERY long time for that.
But it's getting messy.
Colin started texting me yesterday. We ended up kind of fighting over texts. Nothing major. He asking me why I'm gone. Me telling him honestly. Seems he still thinks an "I'm sorry"
will fix it all. I hate to say it, but it won't. Especially now.
I'm not saying this with Terry's gonna work out, but it's nice. It's been a long time since I've had anyone look at me like that. That's made me so happy. Someone how like me just because I am ME. Not for anything they think I can do for them. Or anything they think they can get from me. Just because I am who I am.
But the entire time I'm trying to enjoy this, I have Colin in the back of my mind. He's really hurting now. He was just short of begging me to come back and try again yesterday. I told him I couldn't do what he wanted. I told him what he did that kept hurting me so badly. I told him I can't anymore - that's why I left.
But he's saying he gets it. He wants to change. He wants me back.
I just can't. I'm not choosing one over the other. I am choosing my happiness.
Terry has his own faults. I really saw a few of them last night. I'm going to have to keep an eye on a few things. I do have concerns. The main one, I'm not 100% sure he's grown up yet. It's okay to feel and act young. Even toss responsibility out the window once in a while. But I think he has never even tried it.
But I haven't been drawn to anyone like this in years.
So how do I do it? How do I let Colin know I need space. To re-discover who I am. and find my happiness again? I told him I'd meet him for supper tonight if he wanted. He's wanted to get together for a few days now. I've just been so busy.
Colin finally told me last night, he hasn't been as happy as he was when I was with him this past year. Funny how he shows it. There were times we really were happy. Would enjoy spending time together. Then he'd realize he was happy, and he'd destroy it - usually by destroying me. Destroying my happiness. Trying to tear me down and make me feel completely worthless. Or making it very obvious I was not important enough to him. I called him on all of that yesterday. Making me feel so badly all the time. Making me feel like I wasn't good enough. Like nothing I could do was right.
Wow. Guess my head is really screwed up today.
Maybe the answer is that neither one is right for me. Maybe I should just find myself. Find my passions again. Rediscover that I really am worth it. That I CAN go out alone and not feel lonely.
But there's something in those eyes of Terry's that just has me captivated. I'm pretty sure it's the way he looks at me. I can see what he's feeling. It's actually kind of creepy. We are so much alike that way. Cuddlers. We both wear our hearts on our sleeves, and for someone who's actually paying attention, they can tell what we are thinking or how we are feeling. He lies about as badly as I do too...
And the whole time I'm getting this all out, I'm still wearing his sweater that I borrowed from him last Saturday night.
Monday, August 15, 2011
What a whirlwind this past weekend.
Colin and I were chatting all day. By the end of the day, I really missed him and needed some me time. I took it, and realized I couldn't do this again.
I texted him and told him I wasn't coming over for supper after all. To get him off my back for a bit, I told him I was drinking. FYI, I didn't. I was tempted, but I didn't.
I decided I wouldn't let the way he upsets me drive me to a bottle again. I needed time for me, and I was going to take it.
Well, that went over like a rock.
I finally convinced Colin to meet me for coffee during the day. We talked, but there were others at the table too, so the conversation was not very personal or purposeful. No biggie.
I went from Coffee to the Derrick - the bar nearby with internet access. Yes, I know. But I live in a tiny little town. No public wifi except at the Derrick - goes with the hotel.
Anyhow, I was texing a friend I had met the week before. He was hitting on a friend of mine, but she knew I was messing with his head. He had no idea who was texting him and she thought it was funny.
Well, he finally figured it out. I told him I would buy him a beer - for putting up with me for the day. Just friends. I don't hit on someone who is dating a friend of mine. Anyhow, he was good with this. Stopped by for a bit. I was downloading Kickboxing videos to go with my new toys (hehehehehe). Anyway, once the afternoon was over, I drove a friend home - he was too drunk to drive himself. Dropped him off at home, and went home to change. Aaron (the friend I was texting) came over to pick me up.
There was a group of us going out for the evening. Well, the group became Aaron and Terry and I. We went out for a drive. Caught up with some (new to me) friends.
Well, on the drive home, Terry started to massage my shoulders from the back seat - I was in the front passenger. Gotta tell you, that is my Kryptonite. I just melt. Anyhow, I just sat back and relaxed. Aaron was a little upset at first, but then he got over it.
We dropped Terry off at home, but not before Terry asked me to stay. I told him no, I had to go home. Good night. And thanks for the shoulder rub.
On the way home, Aaron hit on me. I couldn't believe it. He was busy telling me how he is interested in Friends with Benefits. How he was interested in Kim this way, but now not so much. Liar. Do these guys think I'm stupid? I know. Dumb question.
So I was honest with him. I don't do FWB. I don't judge those who can, but it's not for me. I can't. But if he was interested in friends, I was good with that. He was okay with that. Then started to ask about the shoulder rub. I told him I like shoulder rubs. Besides, when Terry's hands started to wander, he got them slapped. No biggie to me.
Well, as you can imagine, the texts were flying by the time I got home. Told Terry the same thing. Looking for more than FWB. But if he wanted a friend, stay in touch.
Got a text from Terry early on about going fishing. You know me and fishing these days. I was game.
We spent most of the afternoon on the lake. He was bugging me about my pink fishing rod, until it kicked his butt pulling Walleye out of Rafferty Damn. Then it was back to his place. His room mate cleaned and cooked the fish for all of us. It was great.
Well, I ended up watching a movie. Found out Terry is really interested, and a big cuddler. I ended up falling asleep there watching the movie. Didn't even realize it until the alarm went off at 6am. Terry drove me back into town for work. I was about 20min late for work, but no biggie.
Anyhow, this is just crazy. He was such a gentleman last night. I asked how he knew when to get up to get me home. He said when he saw I was falling asleep, he asked when I had to work in the morning, and set the alarm early enough to get me back to town. Then just fell asleep beside me for the night.
It was the first night I slept so soundly in weeks. It was short though. I only got about 3-4hours. Going to have to get some rest tonight.
Friday, August 12, 2011
I'm in a strange mood. Not really strange. Just hazy.
I didn't go running last night. I also didn't sleep very well. I don't think I ever will sleep well at this new place. Oh well.
EX ROOM MATE UPDATE
I know. Many of you don't even want to hear this, so feel free to skip it. I won't take offense.
But Colin is really sucking up. We've had a rough week - him realizing what he lost, the picture, him fighting to get me to believe it's not a trophy, etc. But I think we'll both come out the other side of this okay.
He is really regretting pushing me out like he did. He feels he's completely responsible for what happened. I would have to agree, but I'm not rubbing salt into the wound.
Honestly, we are both just too different. It didn't work. No biggie.
I didn't run yesterday. I guess I let my lazy gremlin win again. I've gotta stop doing that.
On a better note, I am watching a few ebay auctions.
pink boxing gloves - ORDERED!
a Free Standing Heavy Punching Bag - ORDERED
George Foreman Grill
100lb adjustable weights - BID IS IN.
All three of these including shipping will cost me under $250. I think I can do that. If not, I know I can do all but the grill.
Just waiting for payday (tonight) to be sure...
Ahhh. Forget that. I've ordered them. Even if they take double rent off my paycheque, I can still do these and have enough $$ to get by for the next two weeks. I've decided to invest some money in me!
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