Today ... wow my head is really messed up right now...

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I have been saying for a long time what I'm looking for. It's a bit of a long list, and was ready to accept I'd NEVER find it all. But it was my dream list.

Someone who really cares about me
Someone who is happy I'm just there
Someone who wants me
Someone who loves me for who I am, not who they think I could be
Someone I'll want to make as happy as they make me
Someone who wants to take care of me
Someone I'll want to take care of
Someone who can be happy just holding me.

I notice things. When he thinks I'm not looking, I see him just staring at me. I have looked back. He doesn't hide it. There's something there in his eyes. He's so happy I'm there with him. But there's more to it.

I used to think I was the only one who'd do that. Just stare and take it all in. Notice the little things. I've never met anyone who also does that.

At first, I'd notice him looking and I'd look back to see what he was looking at. I'd even ask him. He'd just smile and say nothin. He'd ask me if I minded him looking. I'd just smile and say no, and not even give it a second thought. But there is something more in his eyes. I find myself drawn to him more and more. I didn't even realize it was happening yesterday, but I'm starting to find myself staring at him. Just gazing. Wondering. Realizing just how happy I am to just be there.

I don't believe in love at first sight. I really don't. Heck, I'm not even really sure love actually exists. I mean true, no strings attached, love you no matter what love. But something's different this time. And it's more than physical attraction. I've had very strong physical attraction to someone before. This goes beyond that.

I was worried about it all for a while. But now I've decided to not. Just to relax and enjoy feeling this happy.

I'm not saying I'm in love, especially since I don't know if that exists. But I am saying I am really happy.

He is not perfect. I know no one is. Realistically, he's the kind of person I wouldn't have even given a second look. He's not a bad looking man - that's not why. He has habits that are very different from mine. A very different lifestyle. But he accepts mine and doesn't push me to change for him. I actually think he likes the way I am. I don't drink. Don't do drugs of any sort. He drinks. I've even seen him really drunk. And stoned. Nothing really hard, but he does smoke pot. Like I said, very different lifestyles.

But when he introduces me to his friends, he's not hiding anything. He even seems proud of who I am and the choices I've made for my life. I think he can't believe he's got someone like me in his life either. I've heard him tell his friends "you'll never believe this. she doesn't drink or smoke at all." I've told him I do drink, but not often.

His room mate told me yesterday he's never seen Terry happier. They had both given up on finding the one. They just are not going to settle for what's out there. In fact, Harry (Terry's room mate) told me yesterday, Terry's only had 2 girlfriends in the past 6 years or so. He just wasn't interested in someone for the night. If it didn't have long term potential, he wasn't even interested.

I am so happy today. It's from feeling so loved. No other words really fit here. I just feel so incredibly loved today. It's nice.

oh boy. Am I ever in trouble...

*******UPDATE
What a mess today. Colin has been texting me for the past few days. Anyhow, today he told me he's really hurting now. He finally realized he loved me. Why do guys do this? Treat you like crap until you're gone. Then they decide you were worth it?

Anyhow, during our texting, he told me he hopes I am happy with my new friend. I told him he is very interested in me, but I'm so afraid of being hurt again. Not going to get carried away with this right now. So Colin knows I'm gone for good.

Despite this "stuff", I am still happy. I told Colin I was sorry he didn't figure it out sooner. And I'm sorry but to please not say it right now. It'll hurt too much. And it really will. I'm sick of people in my life treating me so badly. Not listening when I'm begging them to stop it or they'll loose me. Then once I'm gone, they sing a different tune.

Maybe that's why I'm so happy now. Terry's not afraid to tell me how he feels. And not only tell me. I can see it. I'm not used to that.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHELLYBABE2 8/18/2011 9:01AM

With the summer hols I've not had as much time on here as I'd like but have just caught up with your blogs, I'm so glad that you're feeling happy & that you have found someone that helps you to feel that way but I just hope that one of these days that you can see/feel all of those things from yourself - the someone you list can and should be you someday, rather than the heavy need for someone else to give you all those things, you will find the heavy reliance on that someone diminishes. I'm not saying that it's not nice to have someone, it is - I've been married to wonderful man for 15years but he's not my crutch & I hope you find that too. Where Colin's concerned, manipulators often say things to get others back where they want them - please don't always believe what he says to you, stay strong in yourself and your belief of him & carry on with your own journey without him. I'm sorry for going on, it's just that you still sound so vulnerable & I kind of want you to hurry up and see how marvellous you are with or without someone in your life! Take care & grab each moment of happiness you can find because that is what life is all about! Good luck & best wishes to you both in your your new relationship. Report Inappropriate Comment

SAMMYSWEETPEA 8/18/2011 12:16AM

I'm so glad you've found someone who realizes how wonderful you are! Report Inappropriate Comment

KIMI_SILVA 8/17/2011 2:11PM

Thank you for sharing your joy. It's truly wonderful to feel that way: that 'nothing can mar this floating on air, drifting through the clouds of heaven, peaches and ambrosia' feeling. Good for you . . . for both of you. Report Inappropriate Comment

BOJO70 8/17/2011 1:58PM

Life is good. Report Inappropriate Comment

SPARKLISE 8/17/2011 1:56PM

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HAZELDREAMS 8/17/2011 1:51PM

YIPEE sounds wonderful! And yay for you both for accepting each other as you are. Believe in love.. it does exist... just not in the hallmark variety that card companies and romantic comedies like to make us believe. lol Report Inappropriate Comment

VEROISME 8/17/2011 1:45PM

so happy for you Report Inappropriate Comment

BLOODCOVENANT 8/17/2011 11:52AM

Oh Katrina, what a difference a day can make. Wasn't it just yesterday that you were living in such a horable situation. No, I guess it was longer ago than that, however I'm so happy with you, too. I now have someone like that in my life, too. It does feel spectacular to feel loved. We all need that. Report Inappropriate Comment

BLUEROSE73 8/17/2011 11:32AM

Thanks ladies. I know no one else can make me happy, or realistically cause me to feel or do anything. But it sure is hard to not feel so happy when you fell so cared for. I've received this kind of caring only from my spark friends here on SP. Now to feel it in person. It's so overwhelming... Report Inappropriate Comment

POOKASLUAGH 8/17/2011 11:20AM

Oh I hope you stay just this happy! Report Inappropriate Comment

BUTTERFLYEMERGE 8/17/2011 11:18AM

I'm so happy for you! Report Inappropriate Comment

OBNURSESHERRI 8/17/2011 11:10AM

That is amazing! :) I am so happy for you! You are a wonderful person and you deserve this! Report Inappropriate Comment

Today ... some emotional stuff. A real mess actually

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Well, I went over to see Terry again last night. A mutual friend of ours texted me and told me Terry is really sweet on me. Lol. Had to tell Terry. Watched him get all red, but it's nothing I didn't already know.

The way he looks at me when he thinks I don't notice. I know that look. The poor boy is really smitten. He makes me smile. It's been a very VERY long time for that.

But it's getting messy.

Colin started texting me yesterday. We ended up kind of fighting over texts. Nothing major. He asking me why I'm gone. Me telling him honestly. Seems he still thinks an "I'm sorry"
will fix it all. I hate to say it, but it won't. Especially now.

I'm not saying this with Terry's gonna work out, but it's nice. It's been a long time since I've had anyone look at me like that. That's made me so happy. Someone how like me just because I am ME. Not for anything they think I can do for them. Or anything they think they can get from me. Just because I am who I am.

But the entire time I'm trying to enjoy this, I have Colin in the back of my mind. He's really hurting now. He was just short of begging me to come back and try again yesterday. I told him I couldn't do what he wanted. I told him what he did that kept hurting me so badly. I told him I can't anymore - that's why I left.

But he's saying he gets it. He wants to change. He wants me back.

I just can't. I'm not choosing one over the other. I am choosing my happiness.

Terry has his own faults. I really saw a few of them last night. I'm going to have to keep an eye on a few things. I do have concerns. The main one, I'm not 100% sure he's grown up yet. It's okay to feel and act young. Even toss responsibility out the window once in a while. But I think he has never even tried it.

But I haven't been drawn to anyone like this in years.

So how do I do it? How do I let Colin know I need space. To re-discover who I am. and find my happiness again? I told him I'd meet him for supper tonight if he wanted. He's wanted to get together for a few days now. I've just been so busy.

Colin finally told me last night, he hasn't been as happy as he was when I was with him this past year. Funny how he shows it. There were times we really were happy. Would enjoy spending time together. Then he'd realize he was happy, and he'd destroy it - usually by destroying me. Destroying my happiness. Trying to tear me down and make me feel completely worthless. Or making it very obvious I was not important enough to him. I called him on all of that yesterday. Making me feel so badly all the time. Making me feel like I wasn't good enough. Like nothing I could do was right.

Wow. Guess my head is really screwed up today.

Maybe the answer is that neither one is right for me. Maybe I should just find myself. Find my passions again. Rediscover that I really am worth it. That I CAN go out alone and not feel lonely.

But there's something in those eyes of Terry's that just has me captivated. I'm pretty sure it's the way he looks at me. I can see what he's feeling. It's actually kind of creepy. We are so much alike that way. Cuddlers. We both wear our hearts on our sleeves, and for someone who's actually paying attention, they can tell what we are thinking or how we are feeling. He lies about as badly as I do too...

And the whole time I'm getting this all out, I'm still wearing his sweater that I borrowed from him last Saturday night.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLOODCOVENANT 8/17/2011 8:58AM

That is nice to be cared for, just because you are you. This Terry guy sounds like a good person to have in your life. As for Colin, I would recommend reading about codependency. The confused feelings you have will suside when you realize that he isn't healthy for you. People can change, however they have to do it for themself. As we know in our own journeys. You are working so hard on yourself. Don't let someone else sidetrack you. You may want to get some litature on abusive relationships, too. The pattern is that they promise to change, things go good for a while, things get bad again. This repeats in a cycle if the person doesn't get outside help. Also, you will stay in those type relationships if you don't get help, too. Katrina, you are a very strong, wonderful woman that deserves the best life has to offer. Report Inappropriate Comment

SAMMYSWEETPEA 8/17/2011 12:42AM

Agree with others that Colin should be out of your life - period. If he thinks a "sorry" is all it takes to fix things, then he's too stupid to deserve you. I'd see where things go with Terry. Just go slow & check in with your brain as well as your heart. Report Inappropriate Comment

JIBBIE49 8/16/2011 10:54PM

Use u brain. The "heart" can be deceived. Report Inappropriate Comment

NEWNAC304 8/16/2011 5:43PM

Sorry that you're struggling with this. It does sound like you need to take some time for yourself to find out what you want. Good luck. Report Inappropriate Comment

CHARLIESGIRL69 8/16/2011 4:11PM

I would just focus on you. You will continue to go in a circle if you don't step back away from everyone and take some time for just you. Only then will you know what you truly want and what is best for you. Trust me I have been in your shoes. Good luck to you! Report Inappropriate Comment

THISYEARSMODEL 8/16/2011 2:02PM

"When someone tells you who they are, believe them. The first time." --Maya Angelou. In other words, get rid of him and stop inviting him in by responding. Focus on YOU! Comment edited on: 8/16/2011 2:03:22 PM Report Inappropriate Comment

SAMYEDAVIDSON 8/16/2011 12:36PM

I agree with everyone. Colin Is not going to change. Maybe for a moment to get you back...but I promise...It will go back to the old way, I have been there...I finally got free, found myself and I will NOT settle ever again. I have been single AWHILE and you know what...It is AWESOME! I now know who I am,and guess what I LOVE ME!! I want you to take care of you!!! Thinking of you Sam Report Inappropriate Comment

BUTTERFLY_MT 8/16/2011 12:22PM

Find YOURself....and you're not going to find you in someone else. Report Inappropriate Comment

NATESMOM1910 8/16/2011 11:16AM

People don't change. I'm with freecandy - cut him off. It's not doing you any good. Focus on you and what you want from your life and the rest will fall into place. Report Inappropriate Comment

ALICIAYOUNG1127 8/16/2011 10:46AM

FIND YOURSELF!!!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

KHARISSASINKO 8/16/2011 10:34AM

Go with your heart, it is never wrong, and be cautious of those that don't care about you as a person, but are in it for themselves alone Report Inappropriate Comment

FREECANDY 8/16/2011 10:28AM

Colin is not going to respect your boundaries. I really think you need to stop responding to his texts. Report Inappropriate Comment

Today ... or rather a look back on a great weekend

Monday, August 15, 2011

What a whirlwind this past weekend.

Friday
Colin and I were chatting all day. By the end of the day, I really missed him and needed some me time. I took it, and realized I couldn't do this again.
I texted him and told him I wasn't coming over for supper after all. To get him off my back for a bit, I told him I was drinking. FYI, I didn't. I was tempted, but I didn't.

I decided I wouldn't let the way he upsets me drive me to a bottle again. I needed time for me, and I was going to take it.

Well, that went over like a rock.

Saturday
I finally convinced Colin to meet me for coffee during the day. We talked, but there were others at the table too, so the conversation was not very personal or purposeful. No biggie.

I went from Coffee to the Derrick - the bar nearby with internet access. Yes, I know. But I live in a tiny little town. No public wifi except at the Derrick - goes with the hotel.

Anyhow, I was texing a friend I had met the week before. He was hitting on a friend of mine, but she knew I was messing with his head. He had no idea who was texting him and she thought it was funny.

Well, he finally figured it out. I told him I would buy him a beer - for putting up with me for the day. Just friends. I don't hit on someone who is dating a friend of mine. Anyhow, he was good with this. Stopped by for a bit. I was downloading Kickboxing videos to go with my new toys (hehehehehe). Anyway, once the afternoon was over, I drove a friend home - he was too drunk to drive himself. Dropped him off at home, and went home to change. Aaron (the friend I was texting) came over to pick me up.

There was a group of us going out for the evening. Well, the group became Aaron and Terry and I. We went out for a drive. Caught up with some (new to me) friends.

Well, on the drive home, Terry started to massage my shoulders from the back seat - I was in the front passenger. Gotta tell you, that is my Kryptonite. I just melt. Anyhow, I just sat back and relaxed. Aaron was a little upset at first, but then he got over it.

We dropped Terry off at home, but not before Terry asked me to stay. I told him no, I had to go home. Good night. And thanks for the shoulder rub.

On the way home, Aaron hit on me. I couldn't believe it. He was busy telling me how he is interested in Friends with Benefits. How he was interested in Kim this way, but now not so much. Liar. Do these guys think I'm stupid? I know. Dumb question.

So I was honest with him. I don't do FWB. I don't judge those who can, but it's not for me. I can't. But if he was interested in friends, I was good with that. He was okay with that. Then started to ask about the shoulder rub. I told him I like shoulder rubs. Besides, when Terry's hands started to wander, he got them slapped. No biggie to me.

Well, as you can imagine, the texts were flying by the time I got home. Told Terry the same thing. Looking for more than FWB. But if he wanted a friend, stay in touch.

Sunday.
Got a text from Terry early on about going fishing. You know me and fishing these days. I was game.

We spent most of the afternoon on the lake. He was bugging me about my pink fishing rod, until it kicked his butt pulling Walleye out of Rafferty Damn. Then it was back to his place. His room mate cleaned and cooked the fish for all of us. It was great.

Well, I ended up watching a movie. Found out Terry is really interested, and a big cuddler. I ended up falling asleep there watching the movie. Didn't even realize it until the alarm went off at 6am. Terry drove me back into town for work. I was about 20min late for work, but no biggie.

Anyhow, this is just crazy. He was such a gentleman last night. I asked how he knew when to get up to get me home. He said when he saw I was falling asleep, he asked when I had to work in the morning, and set the alarm early enough to get me back to town. Then just fell asleep beside me for the night.

It was the first night I slept so soundly in weeks. It was short though. I only got about 3-4hours. Going to have to get some rest tonight.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEDYFAY 8/16/2011 3:36AM

Sounds like you had a great weekend! I hope Terry really is that nice and not just putting on a show. (Been burnt in the past...) But I'll stay positive for you! Report Inappropriate Comment

CHARLIESGIRL69 8/15/2011 4:04PM

Good for you! Sounds like you are getting your life back! Report Inappropriate Comment

SPARKLISE 8/15/2011 2:03PM

It's good to read some positive for a change! Report Inappropriate Comment

NATESMOM1910 8/15/2011 1:48PM

Sounds like you had a great weekend! Report Inappropriate Comment

KITTYMARIE80 8/15/2011 1:20PM

Yay You! You totally needed (and deserved) a good weekend for yourself. Report Inappropriate Comment

Today... Pics of my new toys on order

Friday, August 12, 2011

I'm in a strange mood. Not really strange. Just hazy.

I didn't go running last night. I also didn't sleep very well. I don't think I ever will sleep well at this new place. Oh well.

EX ROOM MATE UPDATE
I know. Many of you don't even want to hear this, so feel free to skip it. I won't take offense.
But Colin is really sucking up. We've had a rough week - him realizing what he lost, the picture, him fighting to get me to believe it's not a trophy, etc. But I think we'll both come out the other side of this okay.

He is really regretting pushing me out like he did. He feels he's completely responsible for what happened. I would have to agree, but I'm not rubbing salt into the wound.

Honestly, we are both just too different. It didn't work. No biggie.

FITNESS UPDATE
I didn't run yesterday. I guess I let my lazy gremlin win again. I've gotta stop doing that.

On a better note, I am watching a few ebay auctions.

pink boxing gloves - ORDERED!


a Free Standing Heavy Punching Bag - ORDERED


George Foreman Grill


100lb adjustable weights - BID IS IN.

All three of these including shipping will cost me under $250. I think I can do that. If not, I know I can do all but the grill.

Just waiting for payday (tonight) to be sure...

Ahhh. Forget that. I've ordered them. Even if they take double rent off my paycheque, I can still do these and have enough $$ to get by for the next two weeks. I've decided to invest some money in me!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOSINGK 8/16/2011 11:58AM

I have that grill and I LOVE it. I upgraded a couple years ago from one that didn't have removable plates... it's so nice being able to take them off to wash them! A word of advice though: Despite what they say, don't put the plates in the dishwasher. They're easy enough to hand wash, just soak them in some soapy water first to loosen everything up. Apparently the dishwasher screws with the finish (mine are dishwasher virgins but I've read lots of reviews). Mine still look brand new. Last but not least, congrats on being the motivator of the day! Woot! Comment edited on: 8/16/2011 12:01:13 PM Report Inappropriate Comment

NEDYFAY 8/15/2011 11:19AM

Oooh, fancy toys! Report Inappropriate Comment

PINKNFITCARLA 8/14/2011 12:45AM

All super great items! Report Inappropriate Comment

DJ4HEALTH 8/13/2011 9:58PM

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WEEZYB7881 8/13/2011 8:50AM

new toys -- have fun Report Inappropriate Comment

CHARLIESGIRL69 8/12/2011 5:17PM

Sometimes you just need to treat yourself. Especially after a BIG change. Good for you! Report Inappropriate Comment

FRANCO1230 8/12/2011 4:26PM

Punching bag + gloves = Bada$$!! Report Inappropriate Comment

NEWCCBARBIE 8/12/2011 3:46PM

Nice!!! On the sleeping bit - I'd be willing to bet that you start sleeping once you get over the exercise hump. Report Inappropriate Comment

SAMMYSWEETPEA 8/12/2011 2:34PM

OOh I am loving the gloves! Report Inappropriate Comment

CRISTHIANE 8/12/2011 1:15PM

How fun! I love getting new stuff! It makes it so much more motivating to work out! Hope you get a little more energy! As for the roommate.. been there. Hope your situation gets better soon! Good luck and have a great weekend! Report Inappropriate Comment

Today...

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I am sitting here. Work is finished in just under a half hour. Could go home anytime now, as I worked through my lunch hour.

Anyhow, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I ate clean all day today. So happy with that.

Oh!. I remember! I posted my goals for today earlier. Time to go re-visit them.

Here they are:
Drink my water. Time to re-hydrate this poor ol' body
That laundry is STILL staring at me...
Dishes. Clean the dishes today
Run. W7D2M - 60min tempo run This will put me back on track.
FUEL not PADDING today.

To knock it out of the park:
Unpack one of the suitcases too
start to organize stuff that can go back to Calgary
run the 60min tempo run WITH OUT STOPPING. (fyi, I don't count walking a few steps to take a drink stopping)

So far I'm on track with all my goals. I am going to keep hydrating.

I just have no motivation what so ever to go running today.









Get the message yet? If you want a better body to fit into this


If you wanna cross that finish line in under 6.5 hours and earn this


There is only one way to do it!


YOU CAN DO THIS.
YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH.
YOU DESERVE THAT BODY.
YOU DESERVE THE ENDORPHINS.
YOU DESERVE TO FEEL SUCCESSFUL.
YOU DESERVE TO KNOW YOUR GOALS ARE ALL WITHIN YOUR REACH.

So what's your excuse now???

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PINKNFITCARLA 8/14/2011 12:46AM

Wonderfully motivating! Thanks Report Inappropriate Comment

SLEEPYDEAN 8/12/2011 4:57PM

Thanks for the motivation. Best of luck in reaching all of your goals. I can't wait to collect my little blue box. I get so excited just thinking about being on that start line with 20,000 other women. Yeeee! Report Inappropriate Comment

SHELLYBABE2 8/12/2011 7:56AM

Keep going, you will work through this. You're doing the right thing by finding the positive/comforting sayings and giving yourself the pep talks & I promise you eventually that you won't need to rely on them quite so much to get through. Keep up with the exercise, even if your food isn't always spot on as long as you keep exercising you can at least try to get the endorphins running round your body. Take care & hope your bumpy road gets easier soon. Report Inappropriate Comment

NEWCCBARBIE 8/12/2011 7:07AM

Wish I had seen this last night...truth be told, I wasn't NEARLY as sore as I told myself and allowed myself to curl up on the couch with a quesadilla and some Bizarre Foods... Report Inappropriate Comment

SAMMYSWEETPEA 8/12/2011 12:53AM

Maybe you're like me & you need to get your exercise in before your brain can think about it? I know if I think too much it doesn't happen. Report Inappropriate Comment

FUNMOM2BOYS 8/11/2011 11:32PM

Great self-kick in the butt! Report Inappropriate Comment

WVROSE1 8/11/2011 10:24PM

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ILIKECACTI 8/11/2011 7:19PM

You can do it!!! talk about some motivational pics!! Report Inappropriate Comment

CHARLIESGIRL69 8/11/2011 6:17PM

Love the pics! You are doing great! Report Inappropriate Comment