Tuesday, July 05, 2011
First off, I need to say thank you to all my sparkfriends who are offering/ have offered support. I really appreciate it. All of it. And I especially appreciate that no one has called me a piece of trash, or worse, yet.
I called him today. Needed to clear the air.
I know what last night was. I'm not stupid. Well, okay, maybe....
Anyhow, I had to clear the air about something. It's bad enough being a friend with benefits. I don't know how long I'll be okay knowing this, but I do need one thing. I need to know I'm the only one. I told him I don't care to know you are with anyone else, or who it is. Just be honest with me. Let me know that we can't anymore. Period. I can live with that. I can't live with finding out he told me I'm the only one, and he lied.
I trust him. He told me he will be honest. So far, there is no one else. I did tell him that if it ever comes up to adding someone else, be honest with me and let me go. I can respect that. I can't respect a liar who takes advantage.
At first he was angry that I'd even suggest he was like that. I told him to just take a minute and look at it from my side. I need to feel at least a little special. That I matter at least a little bit to someone I've given my heart to. I get the feeling is not mutual, but that's a choice I've got to make and live with.
One thing I do know, I feel better today. I'm not constantly crying. It doesn't hurt to breath today. I know. Melodramatic. But I guess I am at times.
And okay, a little naive. There is a part of me that believes he must care a bit. His actions. and he was crying a bit last night too.
I guess it's my nature to wear my heart on my sleeve, and be compassionate for others. Maybe too much so. I get why he's hurting so much about all of this. I get it.
Oh, I'm in big trouble....
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
... but I understand if you don't want to give it here. I am struggling with this one myself.
I have a friend I care about - a lot. But he only wants friends with benefits. As much as it hurt, I told him on Sunday no more. I can't do that. It's too hard on me.
I spent the rest of Sunday crying. I actually had to come home from work yesterday. Still crying so much...
Well, yesterday, I gave in again. No, he didn't pressure me or anything like that. We talked. He realized how much I was hurting. He was there and supportive. No judgement, just support.
Maybe that's what did me in. I feel so alone, but to have just one person make me feel like they care, even just a bit...
Anyhow, I gave in last night. I cried, but I often cry. No biggie for me. But I'm pretty sure at some point, he was crying too.
As I said, if you can't provide moral support right now, please don't comment. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be able to either. But I can't be kicked while I'm down. I am barely able to hold on to the hopes that I at least mean something to him. That I'm not a complete piece of trash.
The only thing I know for sure is I feel better today than I have in the past few. I don't feel like crying every few minutes any more. I guess this is adding to the guilt a little bit too...
Monday, July 04, 2011
Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found it was ourselves.
- Robert Frost
Who is standing in your way?
Imagine someone regularly tying small weights around your ankles as you try to climb a mountain. Doesn't sound fair, does it? But that's exactly what you can do to yourself, a little bit at a time, if you don't watch out. When you think of who and what is standing in the way of your dreams, it's easy to forget your own responsibility. Even the best of us can be guilty of unknowingly hurting our own progress. Procrastination, lateness, being disorganized, pessimism, not being honest with yourself, severe self-criticism, downplaying achievements, focusing only on weaknesses while ignoring strengths, keeping goals a secret, demanding perfection, giving up after a small setback--these are all ways you can make it tough to be (and do) your best. Smart systems, the right attitude, and a promise to keep going no matter what will make a world of difference.
I get this one. I do it to myself all the time. I am actually in danger of doing it to myself again right now.
I woke up this morning feeling like such a fool. This after a night where I couldn't sleep. It's taking all I have to not break down and cry right here at my desk. I'm pretty sure those around me here today know something is very wrong.
I just can't seem to find it in me to pull out of this right now. I know I need to. I need to move onward and forward. It's the only way I'm going to get where I need to be. It's the only way I'm going to find my motivation again. It's the only way I'm going to be able to push myself to move forward, and to not slip back into old habits.
I just don't even want to right now.
I just don't know if I can snap out of this. I spent most of my day yesterday crying. Why does it have to drag on like this? Why can't I just decide to put it behind me and move on?
I know. This is where I can show what I'm really made of. I can prove that I am stronger than this obstacle.
I can show him just what he's missing out on.
I can prove to EVERYONE including me, that I am stronger than even I think.
Right now, I'm the only one standing in my way. He's gone. In reality, he never should have been viewed as an obstacle.
I need to find a way to get past this hurt and anger, and tap into my inner strength. Find it in me to fight back. The sooner the better.
Sunday, July 03, 2011
1. List all the healthy good stuff you ate over the 4th of July weekend.
2. Mark your calendars with a star/sticker/happy face/ check mark- whatever you want- one mark for Cardio on each day you did it and one mark for Strength Training on each day you did it. You will use these same marks on every calendar day so pick a cute/fun/powerful/inspiring mark!
3. Report how many days you met your homework on Assignment 1.
4. On two of the next four days, workout for one hour each. It can be broken up into sets of 15 minutes OR MORE if necessary, but you got to have it add up to an hour.
5. On your calendar, mark any upcoming days when you will have extra obstacles. Such as family visits or obligations, doctor's appointments, late work nights, etc- so you can plan ahead and see them coming.
**BONUS** COUNT HOW MANY CALORIES YOU *DRINK* IN A DAY!
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