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BLUEMATTER's Recent Blog Entries

Internet back on ...

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

emoticon so the husband in a fit of anger - cause Life just will not go his way no matter what, had our internet turned off. I think maybe he wanted me to beg (i am addicted to sparkpeople and pinterest) to have it turned back on, but i didn't. I walked more with LeslieSansone in my basement, I got out of the house more and did whatever I wanted. A few weeks ago he barked incessantly about how I spent entire Sat & Sun from the home and therefore we (me and him) had NO Alone time together. LMBO. We never do. What he really meant was I wan't there to fix his breakfast, make his coffee, fix his lunch, and have cold beers in freezer and running out there to hand him one every 10 minutes. So, this past Sunday, I went out for about 5 hours and he asked me why I was going to go to the Bookstore - and I told him it was Mothers Day and I am a mother. He shook his head in disbelief and I left. It was a good day to be away from him.

I am just hoping to get some really positive news tomorrow from counseling about how to find a job without any references (since I haven't worked in the real world in over 15years) and I've moved 3 times in that time span, so Yes, I have NO references and barely qualifications. Also, they are supposed to let me know what type of housing is available to a woman in her 40's with no job skills, no money, and an impending divorce on her heels. Talk about Big Steps.

My weight fluctuates between 172 & 177 depending on the day. I have had a crazy last two weeks with my meds. Diabetes was out of control only for me to find out I had a nasty UTI and therefore those two diseases were fighting one another. The antibiotics given to me caused some freaky symptoms to include an out of nowhere panic attack. And now I also have to take a prescription med to reduce the heartburn and it makes me drowsy. Real drowsy. Not sure I like taking that.

Since this weird medicine ritual issue, nothing tastes good to me. Not even SF popsicles. I have stopped drinking coffee with cream and just altogether cheese. I knew I was lactose intolerant but I didnt realize just how much the other dairy products were keeping me feeling icky. But, the only thing that tastes good and that I can keep down is french fries and dip them in mustard, ketchup tastes awful right now.

My depression meds don't seem to be keeping me less depressed, don't know if i have become immune to them or the extra stress is making them work overTime. I still don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to walk, go swim, leave the house, or leave the bed. I could just sleep but mainly I think cause I am so darned tired from giving early pampering to the stupid mean husband, and just not getting in enough exercise to make me feel better. It's like one bad dream after another.

Thanks to every one who continues to be supportive of me on my blog posts and my sparkpage and my boards i post to. I try really hard to get over there and say emoticon to all of you, but sometimes I just get sidetracked and the moment is lost. I am though greatly appreciative of all the inspiration/motivation and love that you send my way. One of these days I am gonna be able to return the favor doubleFoLd.
emoticon Blue

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2HAMSDIET 5/14/2013 4:50PM

    Keep focusing on what is good for you. emoticon emoticon

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MPETERSON2311 5/14/2013 1:55PM

    I'm glad to see u back. I was worried. I hope u feel better and find a better atmosphere for you soon. Way to go on the Leslie DVDs and getting out of the house.

YOU can do this! And if certain people aren't supportive the it's their loss

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KIMCOLLINGS 5/14/2013 1:44PM

    Hang in there. You're going through a really tough time now, but you'll get through it and come out stronger and happier once everything is sorted out. We'll be here for you. Sure glad you're back!

For the references, I remember when I applied for my first job and didn't have any. They said that I could use leaders/people in the community that I've interacted with. Didn't necessarily have to be a job. I used my principle as I was in school, but I also used the leader of a charity group that I was involved in. I also used the church pastor. You might give something like that a try and just indicate the role they play. You could list things like that as experience too because you can still showcase your skills that could be applicable to a job you apply for.

I hope you can get out and exercise some. Just walking can really clear your head and it's nice to get a change of scenery when things are tough at home.

Hang in there!! emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/14/2013 1:47:08 PM

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Options ...

Monday, April 29, 2013

to make a long story short.

i am choosing to be happy. my marriage will be coming to an end, but I just can't take anymore of the bashes to my self - esteem, confidence, worth. Yes, this is the better idea.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARMADAB 5/5/2013 10:27PM

    emoticon It won't be easy. But then nothing is easy that is worth working for. Good for you!

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KIMCOLLINGS 5/1/2013 1:34PM

    Do what is right for you and what makes you happy. Life really is too short!

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MSJESSPDX 4/30/2013 1:49PM

    Wow. Be well, be strong, and continue to be your own best champion!

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2HAMSDIET 4/29/2013 8:45PM

    Take Care. emoticon

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MPETERSON2311 4/29/2013 6:06PM

    good for you! emoticon

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TERRIH8118 4/29/2013 3:00PM

    emoticon That's a great decision. When things get to a point that you know you can't improve them, it's better to just let it go and start concentrating on you.

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Jekyll / Hyde

Sunday, April 28, 2013

i sometimes wonder if the husband has multiple personality disorder?! last monday he yelled hateful things to me, slammed door in my face, told me to get F'ing counseling but he wouldn't go nor would he pay for it, and he said he wished he hadn't heard my side of the story and he didn't want to hear any other thing that came out of my mouth. he has gradually gotten back to his tolerable self. the worst part is that he never apologized for any of his antics or hateful words. Usually he would demand that i do it (apologize) but this time he didn't. I think it is cause i used the word Counseling!

But i guess cause tomorrow is monday he decided to pop off again. it was something about his phone and gps and things that i dont have the foggiest clue about and i guess i glazed over, and he yells out, "i don't know why i even talk to you, You never listen to me". and he stormed off. It's only 315pm, so it's gonna be a long rainy sunday.

my next counseling session is next monday, not tomorrow. but, i might have to up my date. and i believe i will enroll in group counseling. i need to talk with other people who just get it!

aarrgghh, just venting. emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIMCOLLINGS 5/1/2013 1:33PM

    It's good to get it out. We're here for you. emoticon

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MPETERSON2311 4/29/2013 6:06PM

    emoticon we're here for you

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JANEMARIE77 4/29/2013 8:11AM

    venting is good emoticon

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2HAMSDIET 4/28/2013 6:34PM

    Vent all you want we are here for you. emoticon

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With Good there is ALWAYS a Bad...

Monday, April 15, 2013

i am married and the other part emoticon of my marriage ( i can't say half, cause he doesn't exert that much effort into the relationship). finally blew his top last night and basically told me i need to just get the he!! out of his house. i am taking it quite well. A girlfriend reminded me it is also my house and i could say to him that he should get out. The thought did cross my mind. I finally start losing weight and feeling good and motivated and then he drops this on me.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1BEACHWALKER 4/23/2013 9:41PM

    Hopefully family and friends will help see you through this. Marriage isn't easy sometimes...I have been married for 38 years and know all to well. Communication is the key to a happy marriage. I hope you can work things out and find the best solution for yourself. Hang in there. Keep going-never give up on yourself! I saw you needed support from the Motivator team huddle and wanted to see how you were. emoticon

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MPETERSON2311 4/16/2013 3:31PM

    I hope things improve soon. I am thinking of you....

good luck

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KIMCOLLINGS 4/16/2013 11:42AM

    Maybe you can write him a letter. I know that works for me as I can get my thoughts down without saying the wrong thing that way. Trying to keep emotions out of it and trying to resolve the situation. Might be worth a shot since verbal communication has been difficult.

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BLUEMATTER 4/16/2013 8:38AM

    he finally talked to me today. of course it was on his way out the door to work. he asked a question, but wouldn't let me answer. finally after cutting in 3 different times, I was allowed to answer the question. i basically step by step/word by word repeated sunday morning where he hurt my feelings and tried explaining my position. after i was through telling my piece, he said he wished i hadnt answered at all; gave me a mean hard stare(to let me know he was angry); mumbled something under his breath and slammed the door ...


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GOLFGMA 4/16/2013 7:36AM

    I agree that all things have good times and bad times. A marriage has to be a two way give and take situation. My advice is to talk it out when both parties are calm and be honest in everything you say so that each can have understanding of the other's feelings.

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SPARKCHANTAL 4/16/2013 4:02AM

    don't know if it fits your case, but I've often heard that partners cannot deal with the successes of their 'better halves', it's a jealousy thing and they feel like they're losing control of the other.
is this a healthy relationship?

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SAMI199 4/16/2013 2:17AM

    emoticon I'm sorry to hear you are having to deal with all this-it's never easy...


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ARNETTELEE 4/15/2013 3:09PM

  How do you feel about the situation? You need to be more assertive! and you can send HIM packing!

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2HAMSDIET 4/15/2013 2:30PM

    emoticon Focus on what is best for you. Get good advice and life will go on. emoticon

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NKING1982 4/15/2013 1:23PM

    Sorry to hear that, I hope things get better for you emoticon

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HEALTHY-SPARK 4/15/2013 12:56PM

    So sorry to hear about this -- sometimes life just doesn't cooperate. Hang in there. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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KIMCOLLINGS 4/15/2013 12:47PM

    I sent you a goodie with a note. Thinking of you! emoticon

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in Awe ... (a personal Vent)

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. ~Sigmund Freud

my entire life, I have always been the freeSpirit. and my overEducated, overPsychobabbled Sister continually tells me that I live in a fairyTaLe and I need to grow up. She has a masters in psychology and Used2Be a counselor.

it was just a weird trip for me to come across THIS quote. I just want to shout out to my sister (who wouldn't listen to me if I told her a genuine factoid) -

Really, Sigmund Freud, the godFather of psychology... You (my sister) learned this and still refer to me as a moron.

I feel Better!
thanks for the space on my canvas to say How I feeL!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAMI199 4/16/2013 2:21AM

    Great quote.I'm sorry your sister isn't talking-but as you said-it will pass. Hang in there.

emoticon emoticon

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BLUEMATTER 4/15/2013 12:25PM

    thanks to all who commented and wished me words of encouragement. Funny thing is she has completely stopped talking to me. This too shall pass.! emoticon

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MPETERSON2311 4/10/2013 3:58PM

    thanks for posting this!

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SAMI199 4/10/2013 5:24AM

    emoticon I like that! Thanks for sharing,


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MISTYRIOS 4/9/2013 3:10AM

    Loved this! Thanks for sharing :)

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ALICIA214 4/9/2013 12:33AM


How True!!

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