Saturday, January 31, 2009
I've been so incredibly motivated and have been doing really, really well. I can see and feel differences in my body. Maybe not noticeable to others, but I can tell and that's all that matters. It's been a month (as of yesterday) and I'm still going to the gym 4-5 days a week. I feel good when I go and sluggish when I don't.
But yesterday I had the opportunity to give up and just say "the hell with it!" Here's some background... Early in 2007, we decided to build a new home. We've been trying to sell our old house for 20 months now...no offers yet. Not even a nibble. So in November 2008, we decided to rent it out, in hopes that the tenants could help us pay our mortgage and maybe get out from some of this doom and gloom. It was working until the husband got transferred to a different city and they had to break the lease prematurely.
They moved out the majority of their things on Tuesday of this week. Came back to get more on Wednesday and Thursday. On Friday when they got to the house, they found that a hose/pipe to the clawfoot tub in the upstairs bathroom had broken and there was LITERALLY water everywhere. When I asked him how much, he said the plaster was wet, the floors were wet, and there was 6" of water in the basement. Oh....my....God...
I RACED home (from an hour away) and stopped on the way to use the restroom since I knew the water was already turned off in the house and I wouldn't be able to go there. While I was at the convenience store, I picked up my standard bag of Pretzel Cheese Combos and a bottle of low-fat chocolate milk. I ate a handful or two and realized that stuffing my face wasn't going to help the stress...it would just make it worse...so I put them away and continued driving home.
When I got there, I found that it's LITERALLY raining INSIDE my old house. The water had leaked so bad that the entire 2nd floor was wet (with the exception of 1 room) and had leaked downstairs...and then into the basement. The water was just dripping from the ceiling onto the 1st floor and I'm guessing about 80% of the house is waterlogged. Our gorgeous Craftsman style home is probably going to need to be gutted. =( There's ceiling plaster all over the floors and EVERYTHING is wet - especially the kitchen (right under the bathroom). The ceiling plaster that hasn't caved in is bubbling. And the original hardwood floors are so wet that the varnish has started to turn a whitish color. I was not AT ALL prepared to see what I saw despite being told that it was bad. But, now after seeing it with my own two eyes, I don't think anything could have prepared me for the damage inside that house. It's horrible.
So after dealing with that for an hour and a half, and then another 2 hours reading our insurance policy, making calls to our insurance company and then the water restoration company, I grabbed the bag of Combos again. I had another few handfuls (I hadn't eaten dinner) and was tempted to just order a pizza or something to stuff the emotions... but I didn't. I grabbed a bowl of Special K cereal instead because it was easy, quick and not filled with endless calories and fat grams.
I've gotten only 3 hours of sleep tonight and am writing this at 6am after having been up since 3:30am. I had planned on going to the gym this morning before meeting the crews but there's no way I have the energy for that. I feel like a zombie. I will go tomorrow...or maybe later today if I'm able to get a nap in. But, I am going to focus on eating properly today to keep my strength up. I will NOT give in to the temptation of comfort foods, despite needing a little comfort right now. I won't un-do all of the work I've put in over the last month because I feel as though I've lost at least 10 lbs. I have more energy and I'm feeling positive about my efforts. Now if I can just make it through this crisis without reverting to old habits and giving up completely, I know I will be fine. Let's just pray it's all covered by insurance because if it's not, I can't guarantee how I'll be thinking about it all then!
I'd love to hear from others regarding how you've been able to get through a major crisis and not gotten off-track!
(I have to try and keep a sense of humor about this all so I picked every water-related emoticon I can. It seemed fitting, given the situation.)
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I joined a fitness center near my house on 12/30/08 and weighed myself that same day. I just weighed myself again this morning and I'm down 6.6 lbs!!!! I am so excited, I'm just beside myself! I hadn't even planned on weighing myself for at least another week (otherwise I focus on the numbers and this year it's about health so I didn't want to start that!) but I could feel a difference in my (double) chin, love handles and upper chest so I had to get on the scale to see just how well my workouts have done! Talk about motivation to get back to the gym tomorrow morning! Yeah!!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I bought You: On A Diet about 2 months ago and read it very quickly. Now that I'm back on track, I'm re-reading it. It's an amazing book. Instead of approaching this from a vanity/wanting to look good standpoint, I need to approach it from a health standpoint. The family history of diabetes just isn't making me change my habits so I wanted to understand exactly what happens to my body because I'm obese - and how it is damaging me specifically.
That's where "You" comes in. I'm an expert dieter. I've lost a couple hundred pounds over my lifetime, I'm sure. My problem is believing in myself enough to actually get rid of it all...and in keeping it off. But, this book has made me re-think how my body works. I'm only 36 but I'm already 36! You know what I mean? I still feel like I'm about 18 (where do the years go?!) but then again, I am getting older and it's going to be in the next 10-15 years that my body is going to really start to show wear and tear from being this much overweight. I don't want to have a heart attack at age 50 and I certainly don't want to develop diabetes. And every little ache and pain, or every little think that doesn't feel quite right is making me wonder if something isn't terribly wrong because of my weight. It's all really making me realize that it's not about fitting into those jeans or simply buying off the rack like it was when I was 25. There's sooooo much more to losing weight than that. It's about being healthy and being around for a long time.
I'd always wondered why (when I was on a diet) how I could eat less food and not be hungry - like I would be when I wasn't on one. But Drs. Oz and Roizen put it in simple terms based on what is really going on. I bookmarked quite a few pages and am going to use this blog to discuss a few so that I can always look back and remind myself why I'm doing what I'm doing - and why it matters!
(From page 63 of "You: On A Diet")
"Most of us get into trouble when we eat foods with simple sugars (think soft drinks, jelly, cake). Simple sugars create a rebounding effect. You're feeling blah, so you eat a 3 Musketeers. That sugar surge works like an electrical jolt and you instantly feel more energy. But less than two hours later, that energy surge (in the form of elevated blood sugar levels) plummets, and then you feel blah again. Your conclusion? You must need another Musketeer. That rebound effect (combined with the desire for the taste that's stimulated by the pleasure center in your brain) can put your body in biological turmoil, where you eat to feel better, though what you're eating is actually making you feel sluggish, so you swirl and swirl around, always feeling like you need to eat."
Obviously they're right (they're doctors!) but it's so true!! Part of how I've always felt out of control in my eating is due to the fact that I'm always hungry and I'm always craving junk food. The less junk I eat, the more my body actually craves the salads and good foods - and the less I crave the chips, popcorn and other carbs and simple sugars. I've always known this but never really acknowleged it because it was so much easier to eat the junk that was so convenient around me. But I'd always be hungry and therefore, eat twice as much because I was always trying to fill those hunger pangs. But now I understand why!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
First things first. Since starting the Weigh To Win program, I've lost 3 lbs. Not great for 7 weeks, that's for sure. BUT...for the most part, I have been making better choices with food, and although I haven't been consistent with it, I have been going for walks. More than before, anyway.
During this whole thing, I've also been reading Dr. Oz's "YOU: The Owner's Manual" has helped me think about my weight in terms other than vanity. I just keep thinking about the passages about diabetes and cholesterol and what it does to your body. I mean, we hear about it and know it can do damage, but I guess I never fully understood how it all worked. Now it makes more sense and it makes me think about the fact that we're not here forever so I should make the best use of my body since I only get one.
But last night I spent the day with my best friend and there were some pretty heartfelt talks involved. A lot of it had to do with weight and body image and although I was the one giving the advice, it seemed a little hypocritical since I'm heavier than she is. But like I've said a million times before, I am an expert at losing weight when I want to. It goes all the way back to 7th grade when I lost my first 40 lbs. And I got A LOT of attention then. But ever since then, I've probably lost 200-300 lbs (total) but of course I've gained it all back. My problem is keeping it off. Finding the motivation to change habits for good - and doing what needs to be done; That's my problem.
After we parted ways last night though, I had an hour and a half to think on the drive home. I'm concerned for her because she's unhappy and doesn't know where to start. That's when I thought of Spark People so I will be passing it on! The weight gain is a new thing for her (last 10 years or so), whereas for me, it's been a battle my entire life. I know this, of course, and I want to change it and better myself because I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. But yet I don't do anything about it. The question has always been "Why?!".
I shared with my friend last night that this week I had a revelation while watching The Biggest Loser. It kind of all stems from developing early. I started to wear a bra in the 3rd grade - I was 8 years old!! I remember going to an event with my family. Kids were free until they were 16. I was 11 and the person running the ticket booth charged my parents for me to get in. I was so upset...and embarrassed about the fact that my body would lead someone to think I was much older than I was.
I was getting all kinds of comments from boys older than me and and embarrassed that because of my height (I was always taller than everyone in my class until late-junior high when people finally started to catch up) I didn't know how to deal with it. It made me uncomfortable that classmates teased me because of my chest and that people thought I was older because boys expected me to be more "advanced" than I was. It was important to me to stay a virgin until I found someone I loved but I was wearing a 38C before I even got out of elementary school. I got TONS of stares and was teased about it quite a bit. And because I didn't know how to handle it (especially from the boys), it was MUCH easier to wear baggy clothes and not watch what I ate because boys don't hit on fat girls. Being bigger, I didn't have to deal with the sexual advances that I wasn't mature enough to ward off.
BUT....like I told my friend last night, I'm 36 years old now! I'm married and am more comfortable with myself (other than my weight) so I'm better prepared to handle any advances that might come my way. So (as you can see from my list) there really aren't any more reasons to put this off. I just need to "get over it" and get rid of the weight. It's not about me being uncomfortable around boys who tease me for my 38C chest in elementary school, it's about being healthy and living a long life so I can be here for my niece and eventually (I hope!), kids of my own. And even if we don't have kids, I don't want to die at age 50 (that's only 14 years away!) because I was too lazy or embarrassed about something that happened years and years ago to do something about it.
And even though that's how it all came about, food has become a comfort to me over the years. When I'm feeling uncomfortable in a situation, I eat. When I'm depressed, I eat. When I'm happy, I celebrate with friends and family...and I eat. It's self-medicating but I really do believe that it all stems from when I'd comfort myself with food because I wasn't mature enough to deal with advances I was uncomfortable with. And since I do that, and since I'm lazy about the exercise that just needs to become part of my daily routine, the pounds have piled on and I've become someone I don't even recognize in photographs. This isn't the body I think I have and it's not the body I want!
So there you go. That's my self-analysis novel for this Easter morning. The moral of the story is that meeting with friends can be like therapy and, like therapy, it only works if you take what was said to heart and actually make the changes that need to be made. Staying with the status quo will leave you with nothing BUT the status quo. So isn't it time that I took my own advice and realized that I'm 36 and that it's time to get over the uncomfortable, unwanted sexual advances that I received in my early developmental years since I'm a big girl and know how to handle myself now?? "Get over it, Mar'!" It's time to get with the program and make a change!
And if you stuck in there through this whole blog, you deserve an A for the day! Heck, for the whole darn week!! =)
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