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Slogans and wow ... how come it took me this long?

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Slogans.

For the most part I dislike TV. I'll watch some sci-fi series, but for the most part I avoid it like the plague. Commercials and ads are sometimes the worst. In the past 15 years, my TV got more use for gaming consoles than it ever got for TV watching. I didn't even pay for cable in the apartment I had for four year or the triplex I had for 10. Unfortunately, there's not much chance of avoiding the TVs at the gym. Every cardio machine is pointed at them.

I just happened to noticed one of the ads tonight. It had a slice of pizza and a slogan about when your favorite food fights you. Basically the point was that when a food makes you feel bad, you should just keep eating it and pop a pill to get rid of the body symptoms screaming at you that the food isn't good and healthy. (Foods in the ads are pizza, burgers, corn dogs and the like.)

Is it any wonder so many people eat poorly with the socially acceptable answer being "take an antacid if it makes you feel bad"? (And I've seen it in more than a few blogs - the "I can't believe I ate that. I feel terrible now.") Maybe it's just a quirk of mine, but I don't keep doing something that is painful or uncomfortable unless there's a very clear reward - and eating food isn't a reward to me; it's meant to be a pleasure.

+++++++++++++++

The other thing tonight was I had an odd little epiphany.

I keep saying stuff about the relationship baggage I'm carrying. The key issue is ability to trust.

Suddenly tonight something dawned on me.

I make a big deal about being weird, unique, unusual - essentially that no one else is exactly like me.

... so why am I thinking and reacting as though everyone else will always be the same?

DUH!

Just because one guy borrowed $80 and never paid it back does not mean every other guy is going to flake on paying me back. Even if a SECOND guy tried to borrow $80 for diapers, spent it on drugs, does not mean every guy will.

I've learned how to protect myself. I don't loan money that I can't afford to give. I even subsequent to those two situations wired money to a guy I knew in WOW so he and his wife could pay rent and get some food. Sure, he didn't pay me back either, but I didn't go into that expecting anything but to give money to help someone.

Somehow I've been hung up for years on the idea that I can't trust a guy to be 100% true to me.

But even if one, or five, or fifty are cheaters ... there's plenty who are not. And I'm judging them ALL based on the one. /facepalm

I kept myself from seeing that all I was doing was cowardly avoiding risk.

Why did it take me this long to see past my own flimsy mask on this one? I have no idea.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHIROIHANA 3/31/2012 8:49PM

    Great insight! It's also easier to protect ourselves from everyone else by not trusting them or allowing ourselves to open up to strangers, so glad to hear that your thoughts are changing for the better.

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ERINSPGOM 3/30/2012 2:35PM

    You never cease to amaze me with your insight. And somehow, it's always something I need to hear. I just wanted to say Thank you.

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SABLENESS 3/30/2012 8:53AM

    It's ALWAYS easier to see someone else's issues. The trust thing is really hard when our own trust has been abused and taken advantage of.

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TIFFY0906 3/29/2012 7:04PM

    Sometimes it takes a while to get the revelations that are staring us right in the face. But as I been saying all along this journey should not be just about losing weight but improving ourselves mind, body and soul - and you are doing that.

Comment edited on: 3/29/2012 7:05:31 PM

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SASSY5468 3/29/2012 12:08PM

    Excellent insight! You didn't recognize it because you weren't ready to! You've been doing so much work here that you just work your way to that. I'm so happy for you :)

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 3/29/2012 11:45AM

    Great insight. I believe we are all different in some way and that makes us all the same on one level. emoticon I'm quirky and it took me a long time to come to terms with that. I love getting older. It changes self perception and the ability of self acceptance.

And you are so right. Not everyone will let you down. emoticon

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ISAVEDME80 3/29/2012 11:10AM

    Took so long because you are merely human and when the time is right it would happen. Now was the right time. Don't worry about small things like guys trust me on this. I have to wake up everyday putting my faith into others and trusting that they wont do me wrong and I take the good and the bad. I've never been cheated on but I had the worst things possible happen to me by a man who happened to be my Dad so I know how very hard it is to not want to trust guys and when all is said and done the end results are it's not the past that's important its putting your heart out there and if it gets smashed glue it back life is far to short to hide behind fear of anything a mere man can do to you, no one but God deserves that kind of power over us and we shouldn't fear God unless we've done something unforgivable.




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SHERIO5 3/29/2012 10:47AM

    Isn't it great to keep learning?!! Building walls to protect ourselves is the "easy" way out, but then we often block out the love and friendship too...maybe there's a balance for you...safe boundaries...but windows? Just a thought.

I love seeing you learn about yourself! emoticon

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LGAR519 3/29/2012 10:04AM

    Hard to beat your blog and the good answers you got----so I won't try!

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JALEEMN 3/29/2012 9:36AM

    Learning to trust again is challenging, but what a fantastic revelation to have.

Now as for TV we do have cable and a dish at our weekend place. But most of our TV watching is limited to the Food network, Home and Garden channel, some occasional football, baseball, 2 or 3 sitcoms. Most of the rest of what's on TV isn't fit for anyone to watch and our grandkids when they are over aren't allowed to watch anything we don't say is all right.

Food is rewarding to me but not in the sense of it as a reward in itself for something achieved or done well. I love the reward my senses get from truly delicious healthy well prepared food. The satisfaction for eating a healthy portion is rewarding. But I don't use food as a reward simply because I eat good healthy meals every day. I like to make my rewards in the form of taking the time to do something healthy for myself. Whether that be a day of geocaching, a date with my bride or on rare occasion buying myself something I have been wanting.



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THETURTLEBEAR 3/29/2012 9:30AM

    Interesting!

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TORIAMAE 3/29/2012 9:25AM

    _Ramona: I'd never heard that Dr. Phil quote, but it makes good sense.

For what it's worth, I've been the same way, distrustful, pushing others away. What you say makes so much sense and I'm really glad you're having that kind of breakthrough.

And the food thing? It makes no sense to me either. Just like watching my father eat foods he knows will make him violently ill since his gastric bypass. It doesn't make sense to me, but I guess we have a culture that tells us we can and should be able to have whatever we want without consequences.

Alas, life does not work that way.

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AMYTRIPP 3/29/2012 8:35AM

    Sounds like you had a real break through moment. Now you can move ahead. Congrats!

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THISTIMEMYWAY 3/29/2012 7:14AM

    Oh we are an overmedicated society, that is for sure. Pill-popping, ignoring our bodies' cries, just dulling them with pills.

I just have my computer as a tv! My kids watch tv when they go to their grandparents and only PBS- curious George, word girl, etc.

I do eat for many reasons that is why I am working on eating mindfully...


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THISTIMEMYWAY 3/29/2012 7:10AM

    Hmmm... Well I will tell you, before I met my husband, I met guys with insecurities, money problems, and alcohol addiction, etc. I had given up for a while.. But when I met my husband, I knew that we would be able to be together because he WAS AWARE of his issues (which we all have) AND I could talk to him about anything. I found a man who didn't say, Take me as I am. We are growing together.
I married at 33 and it was worth the wait...although being an old mother of very young kids is hard for me..but my husband and I are working on making the work more equitable:)

There's hope...he's around the corner... emoticon

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SUE_2U 3/29/2012 5:23AM

    It takes a long time to learn to trust, again, once you've been hurt.
It also takes a certain point of maturity and experience before you really do understand that everyone does not think the same way as whatever or whoever. And that people can and do change, but usually won't.

My husband taught me something. He said that in his country, you do not just trust people. You learn to trust what you can depend upon each individual to do. Some people you can trust with money. Some you can't. Me? You can leave a bag of money here and I won't touch it, but don't leave an open bag of potato chips around me. Or an unopened one, especially if it's Barbeque! Everyone has their weaknesses, and everyone has their strengths... though it may take a long time to find some strengths in some people, and maybe might not be worth the wait.

The jerk who took your money is a type of guy I've met all too often. The one I'm with now, he's just the most dependable, wonderful guy, and it would never occur to him to do anything like that. In fact, he's actually really generous to me. He just bought a bunch of supplements for me, as a gift, just because he was reading about them and actually spent time doing some online research, and he thought maybe they would help a problem I was having with my health. They were sort of expensive, and when I said something about it, he just said, "Honey, you are worth that and so much more!" Which was so sweet... I'm still not used to that.

Honestly I've had some of those guys who you could send to the store with $80 to buy diapers for your baby, and they would go gamble that $80 of yours, or buy beer and cigarettes with it, instead. I even had a guy borrow $20 from me, once, then claimed he paid me back when he bought us BOTH dinner with it when we were out, one day! I kid you not. Some guys are just users. Some are givers. You deserve the latter kind. I hope you find him soon. emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/29/2012 5:24:19 AM

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_RAMONA 3/29/2012 3:43AM

    "You will trust another only to the extent that you trust in your own ability to respond to whatever they bring into the relationship." Dr.Phil McGraw

I think you just graduated to a new level of relationship with and faith within yourself and, consequentially, others! :)

(...and "once burned, twice shy" is exponentially magnified with each successive hurt... healing hurts takes time to achieve new levels of self-awareness.)

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Which way did it go?

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Odd.

I just noticed that I was missing the Spark Diet Stage 4 link on my main page. Last I knew, it would do little "how are you doing" checkups every couple weeks, but I have no idea when that was.

Which way did it go?

I've poked here and there, but I really do not see a way to find out whether it's even there still or if I've somehow stepped off the Stages (into the Twilight Zone?)

+++++++++++++

This blog title ... when I was little and watching cartoons, I definitely had favorites and not-so-favorites. I remember quite well the dogs and sometimes Bugs Bunny with the variety of gags that involved asking "Which way did he go?" (in what was a slow, almost moronic manner) and being pointed off in the completely wrong direction, often over a cliff edge. The one I remember liking best was one in which the dog had set up a pile of mattresses at the bottom of the cliff, so instead of being "hurt" by going the wrong way, he was prepared.

I was also a keen fan of Wile E. Coyote and hater of the Roadrunner. Not because Wile E. was clever or capable, but because he NEVER quit trying. No matter how many Acme Co. contraptions backfired on him, no matter how illogical the twists that let the Roadrunner go right through a painted tunnel or run on air, he dusted himself off and started plotting. Sometimes he tried similar things, sometimes he tried completely new things. He learned from past failures what might backfire and did what he could to test for that problem.

(And having written that, what a great role model he makes for anyone falling off the wagon to get right back on! Hehe.)

I loved Tom & Jerry cartoons in which their love for each other was demonstrated - that even when they were at each other's throats, they would defend and fight for each other if an outside threat showed up. (Maybe being the oldest of 5 made that seem very personal.)


I was going to write more, but I think I'll stop with that. What cartoons do you remember best? Any life lessons you feel like you learned then or could learn now from them?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHIROIHANA 3/31/2012 8:52PM

    I was into Care Bears and remembered believing that they were watching over us while playing softball in the 2nd grade.

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WOMANOBRONZE 3/30/2012 1:42AM

    I'm a "Rocky & Bullwinkle" girl -

Boris, Natasha, Dudley, Smedley, Nell, Aesop & Son, Peabody and his boy, Sherman, Commander McBragg.. such great characters, marvelous voices, and brilliant writing. Too good for just kids!

Yours for the Second Coming of Posonby Britt...

emoticon

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ISAVEDME80 3/29/2012 11:15AM

    That link has been missing for over a month now. They stopped doing the spark diet plan but if you stil want to read the info go to the Healthy Lifestyle Tab and click Spark Diet, info is still there and you can get the points but you don't get the points for progressing into another step or the trophy anymore. if you find a way to get the trophy let me know:)

And I grew up loving those cartoons. I think most people born in the time frame which they were created did, they are classics. I love sharing them with my nephews.


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SASSY5468 3/28/2012 11:06PM

    Underdog was my favorite!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 3/28/2012 5:53PM

    I loved speed racer and jose and the pussycats and I could go on and on. I loved cartoons and still do from time to time. emoticon

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SKYSEARCHER 3/28/2012 5:01PM

    My favorite Tom and Jerry cartoon was the one where Jerry starts dancing with the fancy napkins :-)

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TIFFY0906 3/28/2012 3:08PM

    I love the looney tunes but my favorite cartoon is Scooby Doo - no matter how scared he and Shaggy were they went right on into a dangerous situation and in the end they along with the team solve the problem and came out victorious.

Comment edited on: 3/28/2012 3:14:58 PM

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SPARKFRAN514 3/28/2012 2:02PM

    you listed some of my favorites cartoons never thought about how they could be applied to our life. Mickey Mouse and his friends we always fun to watch. i saw some one answered your emoticon about stages . i was told that they stopped giving out the trophy for completing the stages but a week latter my stage two trophy arrived. you can also click on the healthy life style button in the drop down list
the spark diet is listed there

thanks for all your encouraging words
in response to the suggestion i found i was not stretching properly before i stated walking thanks for the hint. emoticon emoticon Fran

Comment edited on: 3/28/2012 2:06:55 PM

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LGAR519 3/28/2012 10:16AM

    I never watched cartoons. but enjoyed the movies: Cinderella, Snowwhite, Lady and the Tramp, Sleeping Beauty, etc. My Mom loved the Pink Panther. She would sit and watch and just laugh and laugh!! Had I known that I would have gotten so much insight from the cartoons, I would have watched them!!

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ZANNBEE 3/28/2012 9:38AM

    Along the same lines as the roadrunner cartoons, I liked the coyote/sheepdog cartoons. They were friends, then they would punch in their time cards and try to kill each other as they were doing their jobs, (stealing/defending the sheep), then punch out and leave as friends.
They did their jobs to the best of their abilities, and they didn't let their jobs affect their friendship.
It always made me laugh--plus, the coyote talked.

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RAE_LEIGH22 3/28/2012 9:26AM

    Interesting blog, Jennifer! You were quite the intellectual at five years old!

Although your cartoons were off the air when I was a kid, I saw many reruns and I can relate. True, Wile E. Coyote was quite clever, but with thinking about it a little bit he defintely stayed consistent with learning from mistakes. That's something all of us on SparkPeople need to learn at one point or another.

Unfortunately, I was the "Ren and Stimpy" generation LOL. I don't know how much you can learn from 90s cartoons!

One thing I have to say is the Nickelodeon cartoon "Hey Arnold" had a lot of wisdom to it, much more than your basic "Doug" or "Rugrats." My fifteen-year-old sister's generation had "Fairly Odd Parents" which was extremely witty and always had a good story line.

Very fun blog to read!
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MSSUZZANNE 3/28/2012 8:48AM

    You just brought a smile to my face! How fun to remember watching cartoons with my little brother. About a year ago, he bought a dvd set of Bugs Bunny and Looney Tunes cartoons. We sat around with his kids and watched it. Lots of fun. I also loved Scooby Doo.

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AMYTRIPP 3/28/2012 8:41AM

    What a fun post!
Cartoons- I loved Scooby Doo. He showed me that even if you're scared, all you need is motivation (scooby snack) to take heart and move forward. I also learned that every ghost or monster is a bad guy wearing a mask. Ha!



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JALEEMN 3/28/2012 8:09AM

    I'm in my 50's and I still love the old Bugs Bunny and Road Runner cartoons. All of the Looney Tunes cartoons actually. emoticon

By the way I can't find the Stage 4 link anywhere either. I even wrote to Sparkpeople support. That was several weeks ago and have never received an answer.

Comment edited on: 3/28/2012 8:12:03 AM

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MCDOWN75 3/28/2012 6:21AM

    I loved Speed Racer when I was a kid. He was so handsome to a six year old. LOL

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CLAIRE_LEFT_SP 3/28/2012 4:49AM

    Recently, SP made the decision to remove the trophies for the different SparkDiet stages and drop it from the Start page. There was quite a bru-ha-ha in the message boards when this change happened (about a month ago); many people said they returned to the SparkDiet over and over to re-vitalize their goals.

SP's response was that the program still exists - there just removing the trophy aspect. And that one never really graduates from Stage 4 because it's all about maintenance at some point.

Now, you need to reach it by going straight to it's front page. Here's the link:

http://www.sparkpeople
.com/resource/sparkdiet.asp


(I just happened to be going down the list of new blogs and randomly dropped by. It's just co-incidence that I happen to know the answer!)



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SUE_2U 3/28/2012 3:20AM

    Your favorites are actually the same as mine. My son also loves them, though his favorite of all time is Spongebob, and he also loves Pink Panther.

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ANDBEYOND 3/28/2012 3:17AM

    check under healthylifestyles

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Catching up, and one of my own little ... issues

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Whew, I finally did it today. I got caught up on friend's statuses, blogs, team posts, blogs by teammates ... though, of course, the feeling of being caught up is as temporary as the time it takes someone to post something new.

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Realizing that the end of March is rushing up on me, and I haven't worked on two of my goals at all, I read up on Planks at least enough to do one. I did one on elbows and toes. I'm not quite sure how much it's doing for me, though, as I did it after my whole normal strength training session (which has me do 3x12 reps on an ab machine and 3x15 reps of crunches with my legs on a balance ball). I still need to read up more on them to decide.

The other goal is calling two different doctor's offices. All I've done on that one is collect the number of a doctor's office near work. I need to actually make the call (or maybe even take my break or lunch and walk over there).

Other than those, March is looking good. I definitely still need to work on more consistent fruit and veggie consumption, but have gotten enough to say I've upped it. Sodium has been much more in line with where I want it. And I've come to love apple juice, strawberries, and protein powder. Even tossed a banana in one day for yummies.

========================

So, the issue. Of all things, I really really really hate clothes shopping. This has nothing to do with weight, as I hated it even in my teens. I remember being dragged to second hand stores (Thrift Village was the step-mother's favorite) and pretty much letting her buy whatever fit on me that she pulled off the rack. I didn't even particularly care wearing those things to school; clothing just wasn't a big interest of mine.

For a brief stretch of time from 18 to 22, I did buy nicer clothes. I had a lifestyle and image to keep up, I suppose. But shopping trips were in and out quick as possible. I rarely went to a dressing room more than twice and the idea of buying more than one or two necessary clothing items was not even in my head. (I bought more earrings at the time than clothes.)

More recent years saw the issue compounded by weight as well as money. Where I could shop got narrowed down to fat people stores, which cost more and did not have clothes I liked. I bought the bare minimum to be presentable at work, and even that wasn't always easy. I have a sweatshirt that is ratty to the point it should have been tossed years ago, one that was a way too big Christmas present for my EX, which means it is bordering on 18-20 years old. I only in the last month tossed a shirt I bought for my DS's high-school graduation (3 years ago) when the collar had almost worn free of the neck. Until then it was being worn and washed once a week.

Pants didn't last as long as I could have wished. Jeans and dress pants inevitably developed wear and then holes at the inner thighs. Embarrassingly, I wore some of those well past the point they needed replacing for lack of any other option. I even roughly hand-stitched cutouts from other old pants in as "patches". I couldn't afford $40 pants to replace them. Maybe I should have considered skirts, but those have their own issues.

Necessities were even harder. I couldn't even afford enough underthings to wear a clean set daily. I'd do laundry as often as I could (also an expense) which had the side effect of degrading the material quicker. Socks, which can be bought cheaper in packs, were about the only clothing I made sure to keep replaced ... and even those had some really rough stretches.

Sometimes gaining weight was a blessing in disguise because it forced me to buy the next size up - when I wouldn't do so because something was wearing out.

I literally have NO skinny clothes to shrink into.

All of which brings me to now. I've gone done two to three sizes now. I was wearing a 22/24, maybe even a 26/28 (Lane Bryant sizes), when I started on this journey. The first purchase I made was a pair of sweat pants. I was walking in slacks, but it wasn't exactly comfortable and they were wearing out too fast. Some weeks later, I finally had to cave and go buy a replacement pair of slacks and two new bras to replace the only one I had that was long past dead and lacking any support.

But at least those were a single store, very focused, shopping trip. Into store, scan for least atrocious pants, try on, grab right size bras, pay and get out. (Even that green shirt on my main page - I grabbed that at Target while grocery shopping because I'd had to toss a torn shirt and needed something okay to wear to work.)

Yeah, yeah ... aside from what I buy, I shop like a man. I know this.

And thus we come to my Spring to Summer goal ... replacing all my shirts. UGH! If I could just wave a magic wand and have old shirts gone and new shirts in their place, I'd be so happy. Instead, I have to go shopping.

I have the money now.
I don't have as much weight.
I ~STILL~ don't like shopping.

On Saturday I sent myself to the mall. I figured I'd pick up some shirts then go to the movies since there's a theater there. The movie idea got bailed on because Saturday night ticket prices raised my eyebrows. (lol, I have more than enough money finally ... and I'm still a cheapo). Back into the mall. Complete circuit of the mall looking at window displays as I walked past. Right back out of mall and heading home without a single purchase.

I wanted to slap myself when I got home empty-handed. Instead I went grocery shopping (something I don't mind nearly as much).

On Sunday I sent myself to the mall again with the determination I was not allowed to leave without at least two shirts. YEESH! I seriously felt forced, by myself, to try on multiple shirts and ultimately to buy colours I wouldn't normally consider wearing.


Ack, it's me in a pastel spring pink!


And some sort of sky blue.

Okay, okay, maybe it's not THAT bad. But that's how I felt trying to shop in a store that wanted me to look like an Easter egg. (Yes, I took pictures in the dressing room. They helped me compare colors in a way one at a time in the mirror wasn't.)

Four shirts later (since they had a "2 for ..." sale and I was determined to not have to do this again right away), I headed off to the next store.

....

Have I mentioned that I really hate shopping? I should clarify. I hate shopping for clothes for me. As I wander the mall, I remember all the years raising DS and DDa and going to stores like Hot Topic and Zumiez for their clothes. Standing around while they browsed and tried on and browsed some more, while I was the credit card carried, doesn't bother me nearly as much.

I have no idea why it's such an issue for me. Well, I know one part is that I'm just not into clothes, really. Clothes are function far more than form. Socks are one of my favorite clothing items because they serve such a necessary function. Comfy socks, warm socks, make me happy. Other clothes? Meh.

Have I mentioned I'm weird?

So, yeah, I have my own little issues. They just don't revolve around food.


+++ WARNING: FLEE NOW TO AVOID BRA TALK +++

On to the other store. The fat clothes store. For the one thing I'll probably still be buying there even when the rest of my clothes are simple Women's Large sizes:

Bras.

My nemesis in this life. As should be pretty obvious from my pictures, I definitely got busty genes. (Which is really funny in a way. When my mother was alive and I was more around 170 pounds, she and I wore the same shirt size. For me they were snug at the bust. For her they were snug at the shoulder. She got Welsh broad shoulders and minimal bust, while I inherited my grandmother's build.)

Anyway, do you know that in 30 years of wearing them, this was only the second time I spent more than 10 minutes finding the right size and paying ... and actually tried them on? What was the first time you ask? ... When I was 12-13 and apparently grew overnight from flat to C, and was taken in to get my first *snicker* trainer bra. Yeah ... right. C is not trainer.

C was just the beginning. Pre-pregnancy in my late teens I was a DD. I made it to a maternity E and settled back down to a DDD. That's literally 8 inches difference between bust and chest/strap. And while the strap size is going down (42 to 40 just between the last pair and these), the cup size doesn't.

Which brings me to trying on 38 and 40 straps, DD and DDD cups, multiple styles. I think I actually spent well over 30 minutes in and out of the dressing room. I left the store with four bras (another sale - buy one, get one half off). I think that is more than I have owned at once in two decades. Scary!

It's amazing how five different bras in a 40DDD can go from comfortable to OMG squeezing and spilling to Um, I'd need another inch or two to fit in here. I am glad I tried them all on, though, as I was able to walk out knowing every single one would be worn without discomfort.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZANNBEE 3/31/2012 11:03PM

    I think you look great in those colours.

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SHIROIHANA 3/31/2012 8:57PM

    I truly love your blogs! I also hate shopping. Not only that, but I also hate wearing makeup. I grew up with a brother and many male cousins so was a tomboy, whereas my mom tried to force me to dress in pink and play with Barbie dolls. I don't have many clothes and went shopping once this year because I needed new work clothes. Prior to this time, I think the last time I went shopping was three years ago. My brother says I wear the same sneakers from high school... I could care less about fashion and labels. For me, it's about comfort.

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ANGELWENDYMAMA 3/29/2012 10:46AM

    Loved your blog. :) I don't like shopping, but I like getting new clothes that fit nicely. LOL about clothes that make you look like an Easter egg!!

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MELITHEBRAVE 3/29/2012 1:27AM

    If you hate clothes shopping, wedding dress shopping is the ultimate worst! Thanks for the laugh. Despite the problem of buying new clothes, isn't it a great problem to HAVE to buy skinny clothes that aren't skinny clothes any more. Congratulations!!! emoticon

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BUSYBEE37 3/28/2012 12:53PM

    LOL, I don't like to shop either and mostly do it out of necessity.I wear a 1W top for my shoulders but have no boobs to put in, so most shirts look like tents. If I get a womans XL, well, they don't fit the arms/shoulders most times unless cut larger there.

Clothes shopping has alwasy been frustrating. And lets not even get started on dresses, they need either no hips or more boob. I have hips and no boobs. :)

Glad you found a few new pieces to wear out. I wear mine past the point of decent most times too. Amazing what an outer sweater will let you get away with. shirt has a stain,that's ok, put the sweater on cuz it's "cold".

Have a wonderful day. Oh, and I think pink looks good on you.

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CAROLINE1014 3/28/2012 10:23AM

    Hello,

I enjoyed reading your blog. Since I've gotten so large I too hate to shop for clothes however I did find this store on line for large women and great prices, wonderful fit and well you would need to check it out for yourself. It's called Women Within. Really this online store is so great you just have to check it out for yourself. I hope that you find something that you like there.

Good Luck.

Your SP Friend, Caroline
OH P.S. The picture of me is before I gained weight, just didn't want to fool. Correction, It's Woman Within and their having a Markdown Madness today starting at $4.99 emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/28/2012 10:34:45 AM

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SPARKFRAN514 3/27/2012 9:29PM

    Enjoyed reading your Blog about shopping for new skirts and tops and bras. Like going shopping for cloths they are seem for the younger generation and not those of us 60+ and as for bras I also wear mine way to long its something I never like shop for either. Hope you enjoy your new clothing after all your hard effort to get them.
Thank you for the comment on my Spark Page I thought I was doing my cool down but plan on doing some reading up on it stretching I might need to do more pre run stretching as well. My legs feel better today and I did so another 3 miles today the trainer talked to me today and agreed I might need to increase my pre and post stretching than you for the suggestion that is what I like about Spark how we support and help each other. i like the facat you are brave enough to take pictures as you try on clothing you look so happy
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you are very good at supporting me and i appreciate your encouragement and cheering me on. to the finish line. we can do this trip down the Spark trail.
Just think you now have a new outfit for Easter.


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SCMAMAJONES 3/27/2012 7:54PM

    I hate shopping too!!! I think I'm missing whatever shopping gene women are supposed to have. I get really frustrated because I am betwen plus size and not plus-sized, and have to try on EVERYTHING, and the cut and fit has to be absolutely right to fit at the waist and cover my tummy and hips, not to mention my thighs and calves. I DESPISE IT! Kudos to you for forcing yourself to get you some new things.. emoticon

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MARIPOSAGALAXIA 3/27/2012 5:11PM

    The only thing I miss about being heavy is Lane Bryant's great bras. Those things were fabulous.

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NEWMOM20121 3/27/2012 3:41PM

    I also shop like a man, go in pick what I want and get out, or if they have nothing I like get out quicker. I hate shopping for bra's also. Love the blog.

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WHQPHQ 3/27/2012 3:03PM

    Ha ha if it makes you feel better I can still fit into trainer bras, I never did pass the pencil test! I love those pastel colours though =) have you tried online shopping?

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TIFFY0906 3/27/2012 2:46PM

    I love to clothes shop even when I was heavier - I'm a "clothes hog". It's interesting because even though I have gone from 38 to 34 in bras my cup size has not budged still in D and DD (depending on the type of bra I purchase).

Believe it or not I hate to shoe shop - I have short wide feet and they rarely sell wide width shoes that look good.

The shirts look good on you.

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BUTRFLY_FREEDOM 3/27/2012 2:46PM

    A lot of what you described... could have been me, except that I love clothes and love shopping for them.... I only hate it when I can't find pants that fit my waist and my short legs at the same time.

I've also been through stretches where I couldn't afford things, and it's very hard to get out of the "I can't afford this" mentality, even when you can.

To this day, (and I'm still young), I make my own throw pillows because I refuse to pay for them. If I knew how to correctly cut and measure clothing, I'd make my own as well. Right now, I'm making a dog bed because I'm not dishing out $100+ to PetSmart. If I can make it and not buy it, I will.

For as long as I can remember, I've always only had one bra at a time. When the underwire broke, I'd buy a new one. But in the last couple years, I've made sure to have at least 2 at a time, and it took SO long to adjust to having it, that for a while, I still only used one. I've never had more than one of each type of shoe at a time: sneakers, heels, flipflops. Always only one purse.

But hey, you found some sales and managed to get more than you came for and no you don't have to go back so soon. Sounds like a great shopping trip to me!

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AMANDASHRINKING 3/27/2012 2:41PM

    its very hard to get caught up like you said cause then someone post something and there are 1000 things before you even get off the computer from getting caught up...as for the shopping I compeletly understand I personaly love shopping I have always BUT have never had the money to spend because clothes for bigger girls are so exepensive but I know what you mean about the pants rubbing out in the thighs...and if I wear skirts my thighs would rub without my jeans between them and be so chaped I couldnt walk.....LOVE THE PICS.....

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BWGIRL36 3/27/2012 2:21PM

    I usually hate to shop for clothes because I am disgusted by how fat I am or what size clothes I have to buy and so on.....

I make my forays into the stores a little more fun by bringing a friend who makes me laugh and feel better.

Your clothes should make you feel good. If you hate the colors then you can't be feeling good. You don't have to wear pastels, wear whatever color you like.

I know what you meant about the bras, I had a breast reduction when I was 16 and again after I had my one and only child. I never regretted it, one of the best things I ever did!

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RAE_LEIGH22 3/27/2012 12:58PM

    Ack, pastel spring -- no way! You look great!

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SHERIO5 3/27/2012 12:15PM

    Good for you biting the bullet and getting the job more or less done!

I can't relate to your shopping dislike...though malls and the like give me anxiety...thrift stores not so much! I can relate to not liking bra shpping, but I know a well-fitting bra can make a huge difference in how I feel.

I hope you can relax and enjoy your purchases! Thanks for catching up!

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LGAR519 3/27/2012 11:58AM

    I love to shop. Haven't been able to in a while. I'm 68 years old. And up to a few years ago, my Mom gave me underwear for Christmas every year. Undies, bras, slips, hose, etc. Now she is unable to shop,and I had no idea what size ,brand, or type to buy!! True story. It was quite an adventure the first time I went shopping for my own under garments. Ha!

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TORIAMAE 3/27/2012 11:48AM

    Thanks for the time you take to get caught up! Your comments always bring a smile to my face!

Second, way to overcome your dislike of shopping and just make it happen! Sometimes, that's what we've got to do.

As someone who loves clothes, I can't really relate to not wanting to shop, but I know there are other things that I've just had to pull off the bandaid.

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CHUBRUB3 3/27/2012 11:04AM

    Having been a 42 J in bra size I hear your pain, but you are shrinking and though you will never be lacking they will become more manageable.
Could your lack of love for shopping for yourself be because you don't know what looks good on you? Finding the right and flattering shape/cut for you? I used to hate shopping because I hated myself, now I am learning to love myself and i enjoy shopping more. Something to think about.
Planks are great and will make you so much stronger.
You are doing great my friend. Keep it up and continue your great blogs!
Hugs,
Angela


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ISAVEDME80 3/27/2012 10:39AM

    You look wonderful in the colors you tried Jennifer!!!


I can understand the boob thing I have had a large chest since about 5th grade and I have always disliked that. but we gotta accept what God gave us.


I love shopping for girly stuff like perfume make up purses nail polishes and jewelry not so much clothing because I've always been a dress/skirt kinda girl and it's easy to pair anything with a skirt.
Until 2007 when it flooded and I had to get everything from scratch I did the same with not buying new clothes, there was no need to all I did was work and I had a uniform I had to wear so why waste the money on clothes when I could buy accessories LOL.


Comment edited on: 3/27/2012 10:40:23 AM

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TMCLEOD4 3/27/2012 10:26AM

    I hate to shop. Except for my teen years, I've always hated shopping. I usually go in with a vague sense of what I need. (Like a pair of pants) I usually walk out with nothing. If I find something that fits, it's probably the most expensive item in the store and I won't buy it. Whether I have the money or not, it's not worth it to me. Bra shopping can take me several hours and I make a special trip just for them. I can't imagine shopping for other clothing items on the same day, it's just too much!!

Good job getting it done!!

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CREATIVEGMA 3/27/2012 10:20AM

    I am with you I hate shopping. I am short and I am wider than I need to be, and very busty. All 3 of these in one body make it hard to shop. I HATE SHOPPING. It may also be 10 years working in a Wal-Mart has something to do with it. I used to love holidays before I started working there. By the time I quit I hated holidays, seemed like I was living holiday to holiday. Five years out of it, I am getting better., about holidays. Maybe the two Grandkids will help with that. But still clothes shopping sucks!! I have found on line shopping at a site called the womanwithin.com has very nice clothes and reasonable prices. Maybe you can check there also, my sister told me about it. emoticon I do like the shirts and colors. But I pick the brights when I can. I have dark hair like you the bright colors make me smile. I wear pretty much the same style shirts as you, no button ups. Tooooo hard to find them to fit me.

Comment edited on: 3/27/2012 10:24:04 AM

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GRLEGRL9 3/27/2012 10:05AM

    Those Spring colors look great on you!

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SASSY5468 3/27/2012 9:55AM

    You are looking fantastic! Way to go!

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SIMPLY-EVA 3/27/2012 9:54AM

  I used to be in that same shopping boat but it was because of weight and less than fun stuff being sold at the big girls store. Who wants to wear glitter and floral prints all day? Some of the stuff looks like it came from a bedazzled factory! No thanks. I like comfy clothes mostly so when I did start shopping I started to do it online. I love Gap.com for shirts. They have henley type t-shirts there. I find one I like and buy it in all colors that are available usually. Online shopping is a whole lot easier since I can compare styles, order the sizes I know I wear and sometimes find better deals. A few months ago, work changed the dress code and so although I can still wear my jeans and t's, I have had to dress a little nicer so I am shopping at New York and Co. They have nice slacks and often run a buy one get one sale in stores and online. Their slacks are great! I didnt always fit in their tops and since your busty some may not work unless you wear them open with a cami underneath. Anyway, my point is that I have found that clothes say something about the wearer. Sometimes its as simple as I care for me. They can say: I am confident and competent. Of course it may only be in the eye of the beholder and you may say that you dont care what people think but do it for you. My favorite purchase now is panties. Lane Bryant does a 5 for 25 deal and I last bought 15 pair. I love wearing fun printed panties cause knowing I have fun girlie underthings on just makes me happy. Take advantage of online shopping when you can, but make sure returns can be done in stores so if something doesnt fit quite right you can return it easily.

Eva

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AMYTRIPP 3/27/2012 8:28AM

    Good for you getting the shopping done! The shirts look lovely on you.

I'm the opposite of you - I don't mind clothes shopping (notice I don't say 'like') but I HATE grocery shopping. With five people in the house (three of who are men/teen boys) we go through SO much food. Ugh.

I really wish there was more of a standard to clothing sizes. It's ridiculous that size changes with brand/style.

emoticon

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CHRISTY2BTHIN 3/27/2012 7:17AM

    I love how you choose and select your goals! I should do some of those types of goals! On a side note...I don't know how you can hate shopping! LOL!! I could shop all day every day! I will do enough shopping for the both of us! :)

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SASSYLJB 3/27/2012 7:07AM

    Looking Good! Great job on shopping! Even if you hate it!

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BEVERLY1983 3/27/2012 4:26AM

    Great job on your reaching you march goals. I like the colors of those shirts plus love the V-necks. Where were you shopping? Funny I've gotten rid of 79lbs and my cup size hasn't gotten any smaller either. I love I have lost over 4 inchs around though. I hope you can start to enjoy clothes shopping its great. I love to shop when I have the extra money.

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LINDAMARIEZ1 3/27/2012 4:00AM

    pretty colors for the shirts! for a pretty klady! be glad u r not the 26/28 emoticon

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SAMI199 3/27/2012 2:22AM

    I like the shirts...I'm not big on pastels,either.They do work with your skin tone. I never have great luck at the mmall...

emoticon

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SUE_2U 3/27/2012 1:59AM

    I hate how two different things are supposed to be the same size and one fits and one just won't even go on.
Both of those colors are beautiful with your coloring. You have a gorgeous complexion.

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Spring goal review and Summer goals

Thursday, March 22, 2012

First, before I talk about the goals, two things about my previous blog:

1) I do want to say that my EX is not the reason I got so messed up. I left out a lot of the buildup. You could call my EX the straw that broke the camel's back, perhaps. I met my EX and married him coming out of a couple of years of being really disconnected in a weird way. (No drugs or drinking, no depression, just ... not sure how to describe how off-kilter I was.)

I actually wrote and deleted a LOT from that blog because I have yet to figure out when things got odd in my life. Some of what I'm looking at seems to almost be inherent in my nature - stuff I remember being like at 4-6 before I even went to school. Some seems to be family-related because my siblings have similar issues. Some, like the trust issue, didn't start with my EX - I had one friend borrow money and then vanish. I had another borrow money for diapers and spend it on drugs. I walked out on my first "real" boyfriend after about a month when he and a friend started doing lines of cocaine in front of me.

So, no, my EX was little more than the catalyst for the decision - not the cause of.

2) A brief reply to MORETOLOVE66 who (along with many others) made some good points in her reply:

I'm not even really focusing on losing weight, in fact - it's a byproduct of my focus which is going back to normal eating habits and returning to an active fitness level. And it is 100% for me. I don't actually have any plans or expectations of a Mr. Miracle (hence why I use that appellation rather than the more common Mr. Right) - nor am I sure I'll ever handle the baggage well enough. (I just don't completely shut the door on the possibility. I'm not made of stone, after all.)

AMEN to attitude being a huge part of how others react to us, far more so than the weight. I can't say just how cold / rude I was to the few who would try to talk to me, how carefully I avoided eye contact, made sure I had something more important to pay attention to, even talked deliberately about things I knew would turn people away. Recognizing all that was part of breaking the weight = invisible = good thing connection.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Onward!

Spring has arrived. My Spring goals were revamped based on my foot and joining the gym to:

== By Spring Goals ==
1) Maintain my ongoing streak of cardio and ST, if at all possible. If not, no more than three total days missed. emoticon
Didn't miss a single day. Even made sure to go on days I was meeting up with DDa and DS.

2) Build up to being able to do Cardio program on bike or elliptical for 10-15 minutes.
Well, halfway. I can do the Cardio program on the elliptical with ease. emoticon The bike is less about my heart and lungs and more about my quads, glutes, and knees. emoticon I am slowly building up to it on the bike, but I'm not there yet.

(While I'm not saying Goal Met, I do consider this well done. The reason for not meeting the goal wasn't a failure to push - it's a body progress one. I will get there, but without a deadline.)

3) Go to gym for ST three days a week. emoticon
This, to me, was the easy one. My default schedule is M,W,F for my strength training (weight machines), but if things come up, I shift the days over to M, Th, Sat or M, W, Sat. I always have three days a week.

Even more fun, now that it's such a routine, I've been starting to more closely pay attention to how much weight and push for the next level where I can. I'm also researching to try to decide if I should do less reps / more weight or stick to my current routines, learning how much to increase, and more.

++++++++++++++++++

== Goals for Summer ==

1) Replace all my old shirts. Not only are they now pretty much too big, but more than a couple have been really shabby for quite a while now. It's long past time to change it up.

2) Workouts maintained. Minimum of 30 minutes cardio (usually 40+) every day, though two "rest" days of lower intensity / effort. Three days weekly of Strength Training (full body for now, split if I get to point of needing more rest between.)

3) Increase non-workout walking such as to and from transit and work, using stretches and paying close attention to how my foot feels.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHIROIHANA 3/31/2012 8:58PM

    You have attainable goals... you can do this!

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ARINTEZ 3/26/2012 12:37PM

    It's so great to get an insight into other people too. You're truly an inspirational person and I'm so thankful to have you as a SparkFriend. Keep up the fantastic work! I think it's great that you're tracking your progress and going into depth about what may or may not work for you, such as decreasing your reps or maintaining your routine. You go girl, you're doing an awesome job of keeping me inspired emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ILOVEMALI 3/23/2012 5:20PM

  I know that you can do this. You have overcome some real challenges. This isn't a breeze, but I know that you can do it!! emoticon

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ISAVEDME80 3/23/2012 3:36PM

    Good luck with your goals Jennifer I know you can do it :)

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SELINA2512 3/23/2012 12:19PM

    Good luck with your goals. I think they are very realistic and I'm sure you'll accomplish them. emoticon

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FIRSTLADYJ1 3/23/2012 10:12AM

    Great re-assessment! emoticon :-)

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2BE-MY-BEST 3/23/2012 1:16AM

    emoticon

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SUE_2U 3/22/2012 9:59PM

    You are so working it!
All this and new clothes! emoticon emoticon

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BUONNATALIE 3/22/2012 9:29PM

    I especially like your last goal to do more non-workout exercise. It's the definition of having a healthy lifestyle that will make keeping fit feel less like work and more a byproduct of active living. This is one of my goals too: more hiking, ice skating, walkting to/from places, dancing, things that are, even if not enjoyable, have me not sitting on my bum all the time.

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BEVERLY1983 3/22/2012 7:10PM

    Your Goals are great. There very achievable. Good Luck with them.

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RAE_LEIGH22 3/22/2012 4:47PM

    Your goals sound great!
emoticon

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MOVIN2OBX 3/22/2012 2:58PM

    THANK You for sharing this today!! ONWARD and Forward! Your blog is an inspiration!

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WHQPHQ 3/22/2012 2:37PM

    Your goal blogs always remind me to update mine! emoticon

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SIMPLY-EVA 3/22/2012 2:16PM

  Amen Sista!

Eva

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SASSY5468 3/22/2012 11:05AM

    Great work on your goals AND on the new ones you've set! It's time for me to set some new ones :)

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-SONIA- 3/22/2012 9:39AM

    I figured I'd reply to the last blog and this blog here ;) I'm glad you're able to write and share your experiences. I think it's helping you AND many others here on Spark. Thank you!

I also relate to wanting men to love me for who I am. I've been dating guys online for the past 10 years, because I don't want a guy in a bar to hit on me, just because I'm "cute..." No matter how much I weigh... Even at 230 pounds, I still had a lot of men hit on me in person. That sort of attention makes me very nervous for some reason... So I would chat with guys online for several weeks -- and the phone -- and eventually meet them in person if I felt comfortable. They wouldn't even get a picture until they got to "know" me first.

I'm married now, to my second husband (who I met online.) I also had a 3 year relationship with a guy I met online. My first husband was my highschool boyfriend, so he doesn't count! LOL

And the one boyfriend I had as an adult -- who I met in person -- introduced by friends... He's the only jerk I've ever dated who actually did physically hurt me (ONCE! only Once, but still! No wonder I feel online dating is safer!)

Things with my husband are kind of iffy, so I guess that's why I'm reminiscing about old dating stories, maybe... Not that I need to publicly post this on Spark, but oh well... Thinking out loud...

Anyway... I do understand the "armor" concept -- and -- wanting to become healthy, just for me! Not just to lose weight. Not for anyone else. Just to live a HEALTHY life.

Kudos on your progress so far on Spark. You're doing awesome!! You're very supportive to all of your Spark Friends, and sharing so much in your blogs is very helpful. Thank you again :) emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/22/2012 9:54:07 AM

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SHERIO5 3/22/2012 8:50AM

    Yes indeedy, I'd say your goals are well met, love your flexibility and determination when you meet up with a glitch in the plan, like an injury!

I like your goals for summer too, I think some well-fitting shirts are a good reward for your efforts, you will likely feel better in them, which will aid you in meeting your long-term goals...I think there are daily Spark blogs, or articles about this.

emoticon emoticon

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SBNORMAL 3/22/2012 8:20AM

  Do good I need to do some revamping of my goals

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SCMAMAJONES 3/22/2012 8:18AM

    Way to go!!!!

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AMYTRIPP 3/22/2012 7:59AM

    emoticon on goals met and progress made!

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Why did I deliberately gain weight? That's IRRATIONAL!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I haven't forgotten that several people asked about this in one of my earlier blogs. It's just not something I want to give a too quick pat answer to - and yet it is something that makes me keep digging further and further into the past and memories and while I write fantastic walls of text, this would end up a book. Ultimately, I just have to leave a lot out of what led me to where I start this from.


Suffice it to say that the reason seemed eminently rational and reasonable at the time. (Don't they always?)


My EX is a cheater. The girlfriend he was with when we broke up for good was, in many ways, rather similar to me. She was also big-boned, she was taller than him, she was white (he's Latino), she was opinionated and independent. It was like a slap in the face, that someone else similar could replace me. It turned me from someone he had loved, even if we had our troubles, to being someone who fit his type but wasn't important beyond that.

For a few years after that breakup, he would break up with her and then talk to me about eventually getting back together. Somehow this always seemed to happen around Christmas when I was over for family stuff and he was drinking. A week or two later they'd be back together.

He's an alcoholic, though I only came to see it at this point. (I had the wrong idea of what an alcoholic is like - thinking they couldn't go weeks without a drink. When we were together most of his heavy drinking was family events with male cousins - just a social frat-style drunkenness.)

Anyway, when he's drunk, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he's heart-broken he let me get away. When he's sober, I'm selfish and lazy and so many more negative things. Yeah, a little backwards - go figure. I didn't want to be "loved" by the drunk alcoholic. That just made me feel even less appealing, that he had to be drunk to want to be with me. I wanted, maybe even needed, the assurance that I was special without booze to grease his tongue.

I finally realized it was all talk, and decided to try meeting other men. I did some of that through an online dating service. One wanted to meet at a local place that has private hot tubs. The only one I actually dated for about a month had no real appeal other than trying to make myself give him a chance. I broke up with him, though we'd already drifted apart.

At that point, I kind of gave up. It felt like all men were going to be 1) cheaters, 2) interested only in sex, or 3) not independent enough to meet me halfway.

+++++++++++++++

So I decided I wanted nothing to do with men.


I remembered reading articles and complaints by "fat people" that they were basically invisible, people didn't look at them or pay attention to them. There I was at an emotional point where being invisible and having nothing to do with men made sense.

I decided to eat myself into invisibility.

+++++++++++++++

It was a lot slower than it could have been because I never decided to quit being active. I hiked regularly until I lost my car (2006 maybe) in an accident. I walked daily even after that. I even did things like walk on my breaks and lunches or go up and down stairs to blow off steam when I was stressed.

It was also slower and, perhaps, less damaging on the whole because I did learn certain eating habits from my mother. I prefer low-fat milk, finding whole milk grossly thick. I've always preferred whole grain breads. I love veggies, so salads were a regular part of my meals. Even while multiplying portion size and adding lots of treats, I also ate plenty of nutritious foods. Sometimes I took vitamins, sometimes I took a one-a-day, sometimes I supplemented my eating with Slimfast shakes - not to diet, but to have an easy "breakfast".

An example of my crooked healthy / unhealthy eating - Pasta-Roni with a can of tuna added as well as frozen peas and frozen corn. Basically a tuna casserole on the easy and cheap. But just the box of pasta was about 2.5 servings, and I'd eat the entire thing. To drink with it, I'd have 1% milk, but I'd have 32 ounces with probably twice as much chocolate milk powder as suggested.

I was definitely keeping my body nourished and not always on pure junk food, but I was stuffing in so much extra in that weight gain was what I would get.

Nor was my weight gain regular and steady. Just like losing, there were times I'd step on the scale and it would be going back down for no obvious reason. I didn't really have a "fat" goal in terms of a number. Instead, if I got a compliment or approached by a man ... that meant I wasn't fat enough yet.

At some point it got twisted up enough that I didn't want attention from anyone, I didn't want to be noticed for anything I did except, perhaps, for getting my job done. I showed up at work, did my job, went home and got online and in game. I narrowed my world down so small it's astonishing. The only people who knew me outside work and home were the regular clerks where I bought food.

+++++++++++++++++++++

At some point in this process, other rationalizing cropped up.

Somewhere along the line, I started fantasizing about meeting someone who would ignore the fat and see the real ME. I started to convince myself that the only way I could possibly know if a man was interested in me and not my body or sex was to stay as fat as I was or gain a little more. Of course in those fantasies, once I was sure of him I'd just easily drop off all the weight and reward him - like some absurd fairy tale.

BUT, I couldn't possibly lose the weight sooner. I had to wait for Mr. Miracle to show up.

Because if Mr. Miracle didn't meet me until I was back down to a healthy weight, then I'd never be able to know he really was interested in me or that he wouldn't just cheat on me like my EX did with a girl who looks enough like me, “ME” just being a type he likes.

Honestly? I'm still scared about that last bit (being a type rather than the "one and only"). I've disconnected my weight from the irrational equation, but I don't think I've let go of the baggage yet and I'm not sure how to. My self-esteem is fine, but there's a deep layer of insecurity about any esteem and attention I receive from others. (That's something I really don't show demonstrably - only my kids and my best friend see me at my worst in that regard.)

+++++++++++++++++++

So, long story short, my reason for gaining weight looks pretty darned irrational from 20/20 hindsight. Exactly as irrational as would lead others to ask "Why on earth would you DO that?" But in the moment of decision it seemed to make sense. And in the time following the decision it seemed to work as planned, which just reinforced the irrational idea that it was a sensible and workable decision.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_RAMONA 3/29/2012 3:28AM

    Oh bother! I had a whole response written out and just lost the whole thing somehow!!!

I'm too tired to rewrite it right now... I'll just say that this entry touched me deeply... it is so insightful and your willingness to share so honestly is awe-inspiring. While your decision may have been counter-productive, it sounds pretty rational.

I'll be back when I next have the chance and perhaps I'll try recover the thoughts I lost... sometimes when they disappear like this, I think they weren't meant to be read.

Thank you!

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MWARDELL 3/26/2012 2:26AM

    What an interesting post... I definitely felt invisible to men when I was heavier. And now, ironically, I sometimes crave that invisibility and have become more shy and reserved. I was definitely more outgoing when I was heavier. Have you noticed your personality has changed?

BUT if anything this is all evidence that our bodies don't solve our emotional problems in and of themselves!

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DJSHIP46 3/24/2012 8:06AM

    Thanks for sharing... I hope writing it all down is a path to accepting and valuing yourself! emoticon

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TABA66 3/22/2012 5:44PM

    I admire your honesty. I think it's important to look at ourselves and see what's there. I see from your blog that you're very strong and very insightful. Keep up the good work and believe in yourself. emoticon

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JUST-DUCKY 3/22/2012 10:10AM

    My weight is a shield. I didn't realize it until I took most of it off a few years ago and freaked out at the attention I got. I quickly put it back on. Not rational at all, but it was without thought. We all have our demons to face. And we can do it.

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AMYTRIPP 3/22/2012 7:56AM

    Thank you for sharing. We all rationalize something, sometime in our life that others would have a hard time 'getting,' but I can totally see where you were coming from.

Many people wear fat as their armor. Against what? That's as varied as people themselves.

My dad was also a happy drunk - when he was sober is when we didn't want to be around him. All my friends thought he was just the coolest dad because they only saw him when he was drunk.

Again, thanks for sharing and I hope that by writing it all down, you helped yourself as well.

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RAE_LEIGH22 3/21/2012 9:55PM

    I totally get it.
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EIFERDOODLE 3/21/2012 8:59PM

    Isn't it amazing to see how many of us relate to what you are saying?! I often feel hopeless, like i'm alone and no one understands things i'm going through, or that people don't feel as akward as me at certain things, or as self conscious about their weight..etc...but we're all human...we all put our pants on the same way...well most of us! haha Our situations may not be the same, but similar, and i'm sure there's a interesting root to why I have gained the weight I have as well....that will be some thinking and looking at myself and past to figure that out...so thanks for the post, the thought provoking its given me, and thanks for your courage in sharing and congrats on realizing YOU are important! :-)


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SHERIO5 3/21/2012 8:17PM

    I think many of us "protect" ourselves by making ourselves unattractive, often at a subconscious level. I think where you may differ is that you seem so logical, and you went about it more methodically than most.

I'm glad that you have decided to become healthier, for you, regardless of what others may think or how they may respond. Ultimately, your are in control of your reaction to others...and it sure sounds like you are on your way to health in that area as well! emoticon

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SPARKCHANTAL 3/21/2012 6:51PM

    yes, isn't it paradox, the way our soul 'protects' us with blankets of (let's call it 'excess material'), hiding our 'real' selves, as a test to see if others can see through it all. and in the 'protection' against further hurt, we are also blocking ourselves from the happiness and joy we seek.

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ISAVEDME80 3/21/2012 5:57PM

    I understand this feeling I was molested by my own Dad so I ate myself into what I believed what a safety prison so that no other guy would ever hurt me the way my Dad did and that I would be what the world viewed as *ugly*....

The only problem is it didn't work and the only person I ended up hurting was myself no one stopped looking at me no one stopped giving me attention I was still the same person on the outside as the inside and no layers of fat hid that so now I think back and realize I was a fool and the only person affected by my poor decisions was me and now that i've lost most my extra weight I physically and emotionally feel better.
I know a lot of people who have intentionally gained weight for similar reasons.
It's too bad.
But the past is the past. Can't change it cant go back...Move on and be better is the only way :)

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SIMPLY-EVA 3/21/2012 5:45PM

  Wow! The comment from MORETOLOVE66 is a true eye-opener for me. I see that i have been gaining more weight lately because I am unhappy with my relationship. Huh, go figure! I used to walk around with a "im hot sht" attitude but lately its just a btch btch btch attitude. Got to work on that.

Eva

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WHQPHQ 3/21/2012 4:59PM

    emoticon
The thing to remember is that not all men are horrible, you've just been unlucky with your ex. Well done for starting to love yourself!

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MSSUZZANNE 3/21/2012 4:57PM

    Thank you so much for sharing your story! I think I done the same thing in a way. I gained weight once I found a partner, maybe to prove to myself he loved me for me. When he left me, I would lose weight until I began dating someone especial, then put the weight back on. emoticon

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SUGAR-BOO 3/21/2012 4:17PM

    I'm glad you are hugging yourself back these days & loving yourself enough to lose the weight for you! emoticon

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BENCGDL 3/21/2012 3:46PM

    You deserve better!!!
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BEAUTYNANDOUT 3/21/2012 3:33PM

    Thanks for sharing I can relate to your story in a few aspects. I had a past relationship where I was condemned all the time for my weight and put down. Broken up with for being too fat and ugly yet he wanted to keep me around and harass me with other women. I was so blind back in those days...after several years of this treatment I finally got sick and tired of it and left. Was one of the best decisions of my life! I made some more mistakes after dating a few losers but I was able to grow and learn from my mistakes. You have to love yourself in the present with the extra pounds and all. You are a beautiful and intelligent woman! Do not let anyone make you think any different. Lose the weight for yourself! The one meant for you will come around soon enough. In the mean time love yourself because if you don't how can anyone else? I have been blessed by God to meet the one for me! And I have gained some weight since meeting him (go figure I though you were supposed to lose weight when your in love :p ) Keep your head held high and display that confidence and let it shine!!!!

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TORIAMAE 3/21/2012 2:42PM

    Thanks so much for opening up about this! I agree that a lot of us do the same thing, just not necessarily deliberately.

And I've definitely had the same conversations with myself, especially about knowing that people like me for me because of my weight.

And I may blog about it, but here is what I've concluded:

I don't like me when I am not active or eating well. When I am like that, I am being less than my best self. And I wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't committed to me being my best self.

Again...thanks for your honesty.

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MORETOLOVE66 3/21/2012 2:38PM

    Girlfriend, if you still live in San Jose, then we've got to hook up one of these days because I live in Antioch. I love your honesty and vulnerability!

First of all, who are you gaining or losing weight for? If you're doing it because of a future or former Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong, then you're doing it for the wrong reason.

Big or small, I've always loved the skin I was in. I chose to lose weight, because it began to negatively affect my health. However, guys have always approached me whether I was fat or slim. And I know why. Because when I walk anywhere, I carry a sense of I-know-that-I'm-hot attitude. I always have. I don't try to be like everybody else. I love that I'm different!

Embrace who you are! LOVE all of you! If someone approaches you, don't try to read into it. Accept it for what it is. They can take it or leave it.

The bottom line is that a man can tell if you're secure or insecure about yourself. So let the baggage go, accept the compliments for what they are, and don't try to change you in order to test someone else's love for you. Not all men are cheaters and the guy who is lucky enough to snag you will realize what he has and will not take it for granted.

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SASSY5468 3/21/2012 11:36AM

    As an armchair psychiatrist I'd have to say that it seems like you feel you don't deserve the praise that is shown to you and that makes me sad. I don't know you in person, but from your blogs and the amount of kindness that you've shown to me, I can see that you are a very intelligent, caring, compassionate and loving person. I sure hope that you see that in yourself :)

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SASSYLJB 3/21/2012 11:25AM

    I get it I do I was there, hang in there we are all there for you!

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MOMAT828 3/21/2012 11:23AM

    Makes since to me. Fat has a way of convincing us it is a great protector.

(((HUGS)))

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BUONNATALIE 3/21/2012 11:16AM

    Maybe this is too simplistic, but I feel like if you take good care of yourself and do good things, then you'll attract good people, the type of people who will love you as much as you love yourself, whether you're x number of pounds, or y. And even if it doesn't happen sooner than you expect or hope, try to make the most out of being single. Every woman who is attached wishes at some point she was single - you have more time to pursue hobbies and do the little things that give you pleasure. Not to be zen, but unhappiness results, more often than not, from desire. So maybe the thing to do is just focus on yourself now and what you can do in the present that will give you what you need.

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PGNBRI 3/21/2012 11:14AM

    emoticon
I think a lot of us do/did this. However most people didn't do it conciously.

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BLOSSOM2344 3/21/2012 11:08AM

    I get it. I din't gain deliberately, but I kept it on deliberatley. A big fat wall to keep me safe from hearbreak. I think I've finally disconnected the 2 issues. I've stopped looking for some fairy tale ending. I'm perfectly content on my own. I deserve to be healthy for me. Period.
And so do you!

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AMANDASHRINKING 3/21/2012 10:47AM

    isnt it funny how they get a girl who in so many ways is just like us thats what my ex did as well she even looks like she could be my sister

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AMBERZADE 3/21/2012 5:38AM

    Well it makes sense to me. I think to some extent we all gain weight 'on purpose'. Thanks for sharing this.

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INFINITELEIGH 3/21/2012 5:05AM

    emoticon

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JESSERS22 3/21/2012 2:22AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SUE_2U 3/21/2012 2:21AM

    I understand. You'd be surprised at how many women have made just this choice for similar reasons... sometimes abuse, sometimes childhood abuse can cause some of us to make this choice, as well. I've met several. I'm one, myself. Sometimes it is concious. Sometimes it comes as a bit of a surprise, but not really that much of a surprise after all...

I lost the weight... then a hormonal problem brought it back with a vengence.

It's so very helpful that you have some healthy habits and that you have stayed active. And you have made some wise choices.


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AHTRAP 3/21/2012 2:20AM

    Glad you've let go of that particular notion, as much internal sense as it might have made at the time. As for Mr. Miracle, here's to having stopped hiding from a hypothetical him help him find you.

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