Thursday, September 22, 2011
Had one of those things happen tonight just as I was almost finished with my walk. No injury, but right out where everyone can see something happens that just is so horribly embarrassing, humiliating, where I want to just back up 6 seconds and teleport home to avoid it.
And as I walked those last few minutes to get home, knowing the evidence was plainly visible to anyone who looked at me even halfway close, I thought about humiliation and how I tend to handle it.
One part is inside. There's a panicked voice screaming HIDE! Can I get out of sight as quickly as possible? Can I avoid anyone I actually ~know~ finding out? Maybe being so fat no one will really look at me close enough ... but oh, no, what happens if I'm slimmer?
On the outside? Shoulders back, head held high, I continue on to the end of the situation. I'd be the bride who trips on the hem of her dress, rips it horribly, gets up and continues to the altar because the important thing (person) is there, not on my body. I'm the person walking down the street who trips on something, goes down in a clump, dusts off, briefly checks the hole and scrape on my knee, then goes right back to walking to get where I'm going.
In that regard, I like the outside me better. Grace under pressure. Klutzy grace, maybe, but like any lifetime klutz, I catch more of what I drop than hits the ground.
And maybe it's some 40 years of dealing with any number of humiliations, from standing at a door behind a father whose foot was keeping the person at the house from closing it, to vomiting in the halls at school, to not making it to a bathroom in time, to face-planting on innumerable occasions - but the inside stuff doesn't stick around.
Maybe it's 20 years of raising kids and the variety of odd humiliations and embarrassments that can lead to. (Took my youngest to a movie, Time Cop, when she was maybe 5 or 6 at the oldest. Sex scene comes up and out loud she says "It's a mommy and daddy!" *glowing cheeks*)
But, every time, by the time I get to my sanctuary, that inside me has been reassured that no one who would really care saw, everyone has some moment of humiliation and those who mock or scorn don't deserve any thought, that it's done and no going back, so only the road ahead matters.
I think that's going to help me through this process of not just losing physical weight, but also emotional weight/baggage, and with those not-so-great times when I feel like I've completely screwed up.
I can't unwalk the paths I've walked (nor do I regret them, as any change could take away good with the bad). It's the road ahead that matters.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I've always loved walking. When I had a car (6+ years ago it seems) I liked to drive out to either Alum Rock Park or south to Big Basin for an hour or so of hiking. I've missed that a lot. I've still done a lot of walking. Used to be a 15m walk to work every day. I also loved walking through my neighborhood, night being my favorite time.
I've missed that. Got out of the habit for any number of reasons. Getting back in this walking habit, I can tell more than anything else just how much work I have to get back in shape. A rather separate proposition from losing weight, actually.
I'm not panting for breath. I'm just feeling every muscles, particularly my calves, and some of my joints - knees and ankles are certainly there doing their job and want me to know. Then again, I'm not panting for breath because I'm getting started slow and easy and not letting the apparent ease lure me into too hard, too fast.
So a-walking I will go. And, if things work as planned, I may even throw some ice skating sessions into the mix this winter.
Monday, September 19, 2011
All I'm doing at this point is really tracking what I eat and trying to add a bit here and there to force myself up into the right ranges. Yes, up. My first two days, I'm getting groused at for not eating enough carbs or calories. (Okay, not groused =P just having my inadequate levels pointed out in the nutrition feedback.) O_o Seriously?! I'm not eating ENOUGH?
Most of my excess weight buildup has been rather deliberate. I would stop at Starbucks for a hot chocolate and two pastries almost daily. I would have one or two kingsize candy bars for lunch. I would eat 2-3 portions of dinner. I drank 6 glasses of milk a day easily (two teens and I were going through a gallon a day usually), often with chocolate mix.
Mid-August, my company moved. Instead of a 15m walk with a Starbucks halfway along, I had a 45m commute which involved 10m walking, LRT, and another 20m walking with the two Starbucks both requiring detours off the route which would have taken me an extra 15m, time I wanted to spend sleeping. No more hot chocolate and pastries unless I got up super early and spent the extra walking time to get them.
At the end of August, I moved out into a room I rent as opposed to continuing to pay for a 2br apt for my now adult kids (19 and 20) to live off me. All the food was pretty much consumed, stored (if possible) and only a small bit came with me. No more reason to buy chocolate mix, cookies, or make large meals at all. Only a single shelf in a refrigerator. (And lunch at work is a shelf in that refrigerator and some room in the freezer.)
I do have some "bad" foods sitting around. Beef franks that I cook in a tortilla with cheese. I was a bit worried the day I ate that, until I got to the end of the day not at all hungry and being told I needed to eat more.
Today, Day 3 of recording information, I decided to push to get enough of all the key items. I still have to eat a bowl of cereal sometime this evening to get there. Hopefully I'll be hungry after going out for my cardio walk.
Anyway, the nutrition cube comment. Some days I really wish for some of those neat sci-fi things - be it Star Trek replicators that could give me a perfectly balanced meal that tasted authentic or nutrition cubes a la Demolition Man sold at the only surviving franchise "fast food" place become restaurant. It would make it so much easier to get ## protien without getting ### fat and # carb, all without making the calorie line.
I love my food. I love the flavors and textures. But to get to the end of the day and hit that right balance, I think I need nutrition cubes.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Well, after much prodding and digging subsequent to yesterday's blog (rant), I think I've figured out the difference. There isn't a "meal planner" on this site - only a "meal plan" with substitutions.
A full meal planner would be it's own page to add and remove foods and meals and recipes, then pick and choose from them. A meal plan has a preset list to work from.
So it's time to start looking into meal planners - software-wise - because I really do want to plan and print out a weekly grocery list, but I also want to add in price-tracking so I can choose what's a good deal and build the plan around that, and maybe even inventory-tracking so I can know which things I already have (such as salad dressing) and don't need to have on the list.
I've tried a few freeware/shareware versions in the past, but they've been rather limited in what they can do - so now I'm willing to look at ones I'd have to pay for. But to be willing to drop money, I have to really see that it will fill the bill.
A bonus would be one that could take a recipe from raw ingredients to calculate the nutrition for a single serving. (As in there's 1 tbsp of walnuts in this, but it makes 6 servings, so only 1/6 of the nutrition for 1tbsp of walnuts would be counted. Not that I'm making a lot from scratch right now, but long-term usage is the goal.
- Edit regarding ALLPROTAMMY's suggestion -
Unless I'm seeing it wrong, that just sets it up so I can select it in the future - not so the default meal plans include it automatically in substitution for their preferences. Maybe I do just need to be patient with it as I go through the first couple weeks where I'm really only tracking what I eat.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Barely getting started tracking food, and the first thing I'm struck by is how difficult meal plans can be to follow when they make certain assumptions.
- warning - rant ahead - avoid as desired -
Prime example - where I live now, I have a shelf of a refrigerator, squeeze some space into a freezer, and use the microwave only. Where I work I have a shelf in the refrigerator, a toaster and a microwave. That means many wonderful looking recipes go out the window because they require pots, pans, and stoves or ovens. Frozen meals are an option, but many are either over-salted or bland obvious "diet food".
Second example - I have no trouble eating the same thing four days in a row. I don't need poultry on Wednesday and red meat on Thursday and pasta on Friday. I just need food that makes eating it enjoyable. (I eat a peanut-butter, honey, and cheddar cheese sandwich almost daily for lunch.) Yet most every meal plan is based around the more common mindset that variety is what makes eating food interesting and being in the right numbers is all that makes it worth eating.
Last example - I didn't gain my weight because I eat whole eggs, red meat, drink decent amounts of milk (I prefer 1%), and dislike many fruits. I gained it because I went sedentary other than walking 15m to work and home daily and longer walks for unavoidable shopping. I gained it because I poured on the treats - and I mean King-size candy bars, two for lunch, half a package of Chips Ahoy in the afternoon. I gained it because instead of 1 serving, I'll eat 2 or 3 servings in one sitting. So I don't want meal plans that jump into egg whites and skim milk and fish. Barring a medical condition, I'm not eating that way. I want normal food, just properly balanced and proper portions.
So far it's too early. I have no idea if this site's meal plans can be better fine-tuned than "No tofu" and "No fish". Maybe they learn from what I do eat. Or maybe I can just turn it off completely after a couple of weeks of food entry and start mix-and-matching with what I want to eat to get the needed numbers while retaining my enjoyment of what I eat.
But it sure would be nice to have a much more personal meal plan that felt real rather than "1c non-fat milk, 18 grapes, 1 slice whole wheat toast, 2 egg whites". That's a meal to drive me away from any desire to plan my meals or "diet".
- end ranting -
(Addendum: I know that with the way I eat my weight loss will be slower. That's fine. I have no swimsuit or wedding dress to fit into by the start of 2012 or 2013. If it takes me 3 years to lose 75-100 pounds, so be it. Because at the end of those 3 years I will still be eating what is normal and satisfying to me.)
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