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What do you do about humiliation?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Had one of those things happen tonight just as I was almost finished with my walk. No injury, but right out where everyone can see something happens that just is so horribly embarrassing, humiliating, where I want to just back up 6 seconds and teleport home to avoid it.

And as I walked those last few minutes to get home, knowing the evidence was plainly visible to anyone who looked at me even halfway close, I thought about humiliation and how I tend to handle it.

One part is inside. There's a panicked voice screaming HIDE! Can I get out of sight as quickly as possible? Can I avoid anyone I actually ~know~ finding out? Maybe being so fat no one will really look at me close enough ... but oh, no, what happens if I'm slimmer?

On the outside? Shoulders back, head held high, I continue on to the end of the situation. I'd be the bride who trips on the hem of her dress, rips it horribly, gets up and continues to the altar because the important thing (person) is there, not on my body. I'm the person walking down the street who trips on something, goes down in a clump, dusts off, briefly checks the hole and scrape on my knee, then goes right back to walking to get where I'm going.

In that regard, I like the outside me better. Grace under pressure. Klutzy grace, maybe, but like any lifetime klutz, I catch more of what I drop than hits the ground.

And maybe it's some 40 years of dealing with any number of humiliations, from standing at a door behind a father whose foot was keeping the person at the house from closing it, to vomiting in the halls at school, to not making it to a bathroom in time, to face-planting on innumerable occasions - but the inside stuff doesn't stick around.

Maybe it's 20 years of raising kids and the variety of odd humiliations and embarrassments that can lead to. (Took my youngest to a movie, Time Cop, when she was maybe 5 or 6 at the oldest. Sex scene comes up and out loud she says "It's a mommy and daddy!" *glowing cheeks*)

But, every time, by the time I get to my sanctuary, that inside me has been reassured that no one who would really care saw, everyone has some moment of humiliation and those who mock or scorn don't deserve any thought, that it's done and no going back, so only the road ahead matters.

I think that's going to help me through this process of not just losing physical weight, but also emotional weight/baggage, and with those not-so-great times when I feel like I've completely screwed up.

I can't unwalk the paths I've walked (nor do I regret them, as any change could take away good with the bad). It's the road ahead that matters.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPICY4356 9/22/2011 9:04AM

    This is what I have realized- Everyone loves a laugh, and human nature is to chuckle when something happens to someone else. The key is to be able to laugh at yourself when it happens. I am a klutz by nature and I can not count the times I have face planted or walked in to a wall when people were watching. Next time you trip get back up, brush yourself off and announce "Just testing Gravity... Still works!" And laugh as you walk away. People may laugh, but laugh with them. If you run in to a wall stop- look at the wall and just say "Where did that come from..." It is like a kid who falls down..If you don't feed in to it 9 times out of 10 they will shake it off and forget about it. So will the people that saw you fall, they will chuckle, shake their head and forget 10 minutes later. If you make a scene that is what they will remember. Life is too short to worry what other people think. :)

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CRABADA 9/22/2011 1:24AM

    Take heart in the fact that every single one of us feels the exact same way inside when something embarrassing or humiliating happens. Even my sweet pup Huckleberry does a shake and glances around to see if anyone saw him fall off the couch. It's just in our nature - and you're absolutely right about anyone who mocks or has unkind thoughts about someone else's misfortune isn't worth the dirt they're walking on.

:) Courtney

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ALLPROTAMMY 9/22/2011 1:23AM

I realize as I have gotten older those things that would have humiliated me before are of little concern to me now. I do get embarassed once in a while but humiliation, no. What I find humiliating is when someone tries to humiliate me because of something I have done or something they think is okay to condemn me over. I feel sad for that person and feel that they have just humiliated themselves. If you feel in front of me I would ask you if you are okay or hurt, can I help you up, is there anything I can do. I have fallen many times in my life literally and emotionally. They are all painful. It is that I get up or how I get up that matters.
Blessings! Tammy

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A-walking I will go

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I've always loved walking. When I had a car (6+ years ago it seems) I liked to drive out to either Alum Rock Park or south to Big Basin for an hour or so of hiking. I've missed that a lot. I've still done a lot of walking. Used to be a 15m walk to work every day. I also loved walking through my neighborhood, night being my favorite time.

I've missed that. Got out of the habit for any number of reasons. Getting back in this walking habit, I can tell more than anything else just how much work I have to get back in shape. A rather separate proposition from losing weight, actually.

I'm not panting for breath. I'm just feeling every muscles, particularly my calves, and some of my joints - knees and ankles are certainly there doing their job and want me to know. Then again, I'm not panting for breath because I'm getting started slow and easy and not letting the apparent ease lure me into too hard, too fast.

So a-walking I will go. And, if things work as planned, I may even throw some ice skating sessions into the mix this winter.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAHCANNON 9/21/2011 9:34AM

    Walking is awesome. I used to walk to work before I moved. I'll probably walk or bike to work again eventually... it's only 3 miles. For now, while we're getting settled, Scott is driving me.

Smart, starting gentle and working up. You'll get there soon enough and without injury this way. ;)

And ice skating and I do NOT get along - more power to you! I'm planning on getting back on rollerskates (as soon as I have wrist guards so I don't break my wrist again). :P

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DAIZYSTARLITE 9/21/2011 1:00AM


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Where's my nutrition cubes?

Monday, September 19, 2011

All I'm doing at this point is really tracking what I eat and trying to add a bit here and there to force myself up into the right ranges. Yes, up. My first two days, I'm getting groused at for not eating enough carbs or calories. (Okay, not groused =P just having my inadequate levels pointed out in the nutrition feedback.) O_o Seriously?! I'm not eating ENOUGH?

Most of my excess weight buildup has been rather deliberate. I would stop at Starbucks for a hot chocolate and two pastries almost daily. I would have one or two kingsize candy bars for lunch. I would eat 2-3 portions of dinner. I drank 6 glasses of milk a day easily (two teens and I were going through a gallon a day usually), often with chocolate mix.

Mid-August, my company moved. Instead of a 15m walk with a Starbucks halfway along, I had a 45m commute which involved 10m walking, LRT, and another 20m walking with the two Starbucks both requiring detours off the route which would have taken me an extra 15m, time I wanted to spend sleeping. No more hot chocolate and pastries unless I got up super early and spent the extra walking time to get them.

At the end of August, I moved out into a room I rent as opposed to continuing to pay for a 2br apt for my now adult kids (19 and 20) to live off me. All the food was pretty much consumed, stored (if possible) and only a small bit came with me. No more reason to buy chocolate mix, cookies, or make large meals at all. Only a single shelf in a refrigerator. (And lunch at work is a shelf in that refrigerator and some room in the freezer.)

I do have some "bad" foods sitting around. Beef franks that I cook in a tortilla with cheese. I was a bit worried the day I ate that, until I got to the end of the day not at all hungry and being told I needed to eat more.

Today, Day 3 of recording information, I decided to push to get enough of all the key items. I still have to eat a bowl of cereal sometime this evening to get there. Hopefully I'll be hungry after going out for my cardio walk.

Anyway, the nutrition cube comment. Some days I really wish for some of those neat sci-fi things - be it Star Trek replicators that could give me a perfectly balanced meal that tasted authentic or nutrition cubes a la Demolition Man sold at the only surviving franchise "fast food" place become restaurant. It would make it so much easier to get ## protien without getting ### fat and # carb, all without making the calorie line.

I love my food. I love the flavors and textures. But to get to the end of the day and hit that right balance, I think I need nutrition cubes.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAHCANNON 9/20/2011 9:24AM

    You're starting where I did. Tracking, tracking and more tracking. And then figuring out what 1 or 2 little adjustments I could make to my food that wouldn't make me feel like someone had come in and totally overhauled my fridge (I HATE that feeling of most diets) while still achieving the goal of fitting in the ranges.

I miss on protein most days. I've started having egg sandwiches for lunch (since my lunch is so early here) and that has helped. My fat and carbs are always high. So I try to make choices around lowering those 2 items while still picking food I like.

You're off to a good start, my friend. :)

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ALLPROTAMMY 9/19/2011 11:10PM

    I find for myself I do not get enough protien. I found if I get a bit of yogurt that I put a product that is called "Milo" in it (kind of like a choc protein powder) I do okay with my nutrition stuff. I have a heck of a time getting the protien I should eat. I am starting to get this figured out a bit after being on the site since end of June. Hope you find those cubes!

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AUSSIEJAN2 9/19/2011 10:33PM

    Nutrition cubes? That would come in handy, but at times I would miss the real foods. But no preparation and cleanup? Not much shopping either.I guess we can't have it both ways.Not keeping all the junk food around is a definite plus.

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MERRYMARY42 9/19/2011 10:27PM

    It is a rare day that my nutrition are in the correct range, I try to keep my calories on the low side, my protein and fiber are almost impossible to attain, and calcium is a joke, my carbs, I of course have no trouble with, but I continue trying, because they (who ever they are) say it is important, and I am sure it is, Have a great day

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Meal Plan vs Meal Planner

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Well, after much prodding and digging subsequent to yesterday's blog (rant), I think I've figured out the difference. There isn't a "meal planner" on this site - only a "meal plan" with substitutions.

A full meal planner would be it's own page to add and remove foods and meals and recipes, then pick and choose from them. A meal plan has a preset list to work from.

So it's time to start looking into meal planners - software-wise - because I really do want to plan and print out a weekly grocery list, but I also want to add in price-tracking so I can choose what's a good deal and build the plan around that, and maybe even inventory-tracking so I can know which things I already have (such as salad dressing) and don't need to have on the list.

I've tried a few freeware/shareware versions in the past, but they've been rather limited in what they can do - so now I'm willing to look at ones I'd have to pay for. But to be willing to drop money, I have to really see that it will fill the bill.

Any recommendations?

A bonus would be one that could take a recipe from raw ingredients to calculate the nutrition for a single serving. (As in there's 1 tbsp of walnuts in this, but it makes 6 servings, so only 1/6 of the nutrition for 1tbsp of walnuts would be counted. Not that I'm making a lot from scratch right now, but long-term usage is the goal.

- Edit regarding ALLPROTAMMY's suggestion -
Unless I'm seeing it wrong, that just sets it up so I can select it in the future - not so the default meal plans include it automatically in substitution for their preferences. Maybe I do just need to be patient with it as I go through the first couple weeks where I'm really only tracking what I eat.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALLPROTAMMY 9/18/2011 5:48PM

    I think in the "my nutrition" there is a place you can put your favorites and group them for a recipe. Hope this helps!

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Real World meal planning

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Barely getting started tracking food, and the first thing I'm struck by is how difficult meal plans can be to follow when they make certain assumptions.

- warning - rant ahead - avoid as desired -

Prime example - where I live now, I have a shelf of a refrigerator, squeeze some space into a freezer, and use the microwave only. Where I work I have a shelf in the refrigerator, a toaster and a microwave. That means many wonderful looking recipes go out the window because they require pots, pans, and stoves or ovens. Frozen meals are an option, but many are either over-salted or bland obvious "diet food".

Second example - I have no trouble eating the same thing four days in a row. I don't need poultry on Wednesday and red meat on Thursday and pasta on Friday. I just need food that makes eating it enjoyable. (I eat a peanut-butter, honey, and cheddar cheese sandwich almost daily for lunch.) Yet most every meal plan is based around the more common mindset that variety is what makes eating food interesting and being in the right numbers is all that makes it worth eating.

Last example - I didn't gain my weight because I eat whole eggs, red meat, drink decent amounts of milk (I prefer 1%), and dislike many fruits. I gained it because I went sedentary other than walking 15m to work and home daily and longer walks for unavoidable shopping. I gained it because I poured on the treats - and I mean King-size candy bars, two for lunch, half a package of Chips Ahoy in the afternoon. I gained it because instead of 1 serving, I'll eat 2 or 3 servings in one sitting. So I don't want meal plans that jump into egg whites and skim milk and fish. Barring a medical condition, I'm not eating that way. I want normal food, just properly balanced and proper portions.

So far it's too early. I have no idea if this site's meal plans can be better fine-tuned than "No tofu" and "No fish". Maybe they learn from what I do eat. Or maybe I can just turn it off completely after a couple of weeks of food entry and start mix-and-matching with what I want to eat to get the needed numbers while retaining my enjoyment of what I eat.

But it sure would be nice to have a much more personal meal plan that felt real rather than "1c non-fat milk, 18 grapes, 1 slice whole wheat toast, 2 egg whites". That's a meal to drive me away from any desire to plan my meals or "diet".

- end ranting -

(Addendum: I know that with the way I eat my weight loss will be slower. That's fine. I have no swimsuit or wedding dress to fit into by the start of 2012 or 2013. If it takes me 3 years to lose 75-100 pounds, so be it. Because at the end of those 3 years I will still be eating what is normal and satisfying to me.)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAHCANNON 9/19/2011 6:32PM

    Lethie! Me too, me too!

For me, it's because I'm picky. There are a ton a foods I don't like. And so meal plans are just a minefield of disappointment and frustration. I tried it for a second, just to see what it would give me. Had a good laugh. And then did what the other girls here have said.

I use the tracker and my goal is to stay in the ranges it prescribes for me. If you're good about estimating your planned exercise for the week, it's good about adjusting your ranges for your activity level.

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CRABADA 9/18/2011 7:30PM

    I know exactly what you mean about just wanting normal foods and being OK eating the same thing for days (even weeks) in a row. I've never tried the meal planner here, but I know the frustration because I feel it every time I look at Shape's "Meals for Fall" or Real Simple's "A Month of Meals!" Too many ingredients! Too much cooking! The assumption that I'm cooking for a family of five. Nope, just me!

I've been giving some thought to just making my own in a Word document so I can feel as if I've planned and will know what to get and skip at the grocery store.

I'd love to hear what you find - good luck!

:) Courtney

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ALLPROTAMMY 9/17/2011 6:06PM

    I didn't know there was a meal plan. I eat what I want and put it in the nutrional tracker. I work at staying within my calories and work at getting some exercise in. If I had to do the menu thing I would fail atrociously. I haven't lost any weight yet but I am feeling better and continuing to work towards a goal of healthier eating and living. I would like to lose about 40 to 60 lbs. I have carried it with me for twenty plus years and figure it will take some adjustments to getting it off.
Have a blessed day!

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HALEYSMUM 9/17/2011 5:19PM

    Well I don't use the spark meal planner and so far (fingers crossed, don't want to curse it lol) the weight has dropped off of me. I just track everything I eat during the day, For example today I ate some Weetabix with 200ml of milk, and 2 spoons of sugar. Then wrote it down, For dinner I had Lasagne, and snack I had grilled cheese (I hear sparkers every where gasping lol) But as long as I stick to my smaller portions, don't comfort eat or snack mindlessly after 6pm, Its working. You don't HAVE to use the plan they give you, Eat what YOU want, just eat in moderation and stick to your intake limits.. Plan ahead if you need to, but don't over do it or obsess, because it will put you off so fast. Keep at it!

Don't think of it as weight loss, think of it as a new lifestyle. A better lifestyle. Don't make it a chore by letting it make you go insane.


Comment edited on: 9/17/2011 5:20:58 PM

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