BLONDIEANNE   6,330
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Waiting

Friday, June 13, 2014

I hate waiting... waiting lets your mind run wild. It lets you imagine the worst. It lets all the what can be parts try to create in you a picture of your worst fears realized. A part of me wishes that July was here and gone because then I'd know if the worst has arrived or if things aren't going to be as bad as predicted. I'd actually be able to move on with life and maybe make plans or learn to deal. I try so hard to not let the fears get to me but when I've been promised that bad is coming the only question is how bad I guess I just don't know how to not let it make me sad. It keeps creeping back with wondering and I just wish the wait was over. Though part of me things that I'm just selfish because I'm only mildly affected so how dare I wish for the shoe to drop and the bad to come, how dare I wish it to be over and someone else to be faced with most of the pain. On the other hand, waiting too long brings the most consequences it sounds like it might be best to get "the show on the road." At least they aren't predicting me needing to say goodbye so that is a comfort. I couldn't handle losing it would shatter me for a very long time.

  


mixed emotions

Friday, November 01, 2013

I know I'm being very childish and yet I can't see to change the wide set of emotions I'm feeling. There is someone I know that's going through something awful and here I am angry with them. I sort of feel like due to the "bad hand" they've been dealt they are the "favorite." That on a whim they can totally turn my life upside down on so many levels. I know that I shouldn't be so angry with them because it's not like they could plan for life to go the way it has. I'm sure they would have given up being able to drastically change everyone else's lives if they could have but I can't seem to stop the feelings. It's almost therapeutic to just admit all that I'm feeling.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKLINGHOPE 11/3/2013 12:48AM

    Best wishes!

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JUSGETTENBY42 11/1/2013 11:41PM

    emoticon

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LKS2GAB2 11/1/2013 11:30PM

    Sometimes we just have to let it out to get past it. I hope you feel better soon. emoticon

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5/14/10

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Something written after hearing some bad news

I lie awake
Life wants to attack
It's sneaking
quietly it surrounds
No escape!

Questions fill my mind
Why? When?
Will my heart shatter?
Future so dim

Choices made
lives changed
waiting game begins
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock
The clock counts down

Lonely little girl
Rivers flowing down her face
Broken little sister
Memories she wants to erase

Did consequences enter the mind?
Was caution ever used?
The answers never heard
Tick, Tock
I hear approaching doom

Loud and clear silence screams
Avoidance ingrained so deep
Scars the only witnesses
No one sees

Words flow out
A page fills
Secrets locked away
Pen the only outside witness
Never tell, hide away

Tick, Tock
I hear time passing
all alone I face the truth
loss marches steadily onward

looking for a future glimpse
searching for a timeline
seeking answers
oh in vain I long
nothing changes the end

Death will creep ever closer
Those I love....
Their time draws near
Away they will go

Away for all eternity
They take a piece f me
It lies clutched in stilled hands
Darkness creeping n...
finally I'll reach rest and my end

  


Saying Goodbye to Misty

Sunday, August 25, 2013

It's been a rough few days around here. I had started to wonder if something was wrong with our cat but she seemed ok just kind of annoyed with us but that wasn't all that unusual because when she was getting into things and getting scolded she'd pout. Well I then noticed she was having trouble standing up. I never would have dreamed she was sick until I saw that and next thing I know the vet said she did all she could but she died. Her kidneys must have given out, but she wasn't sure exactly because they just couldn't get her body temp up. I know that our vet did everything she could but that doesn't make me feel any less guilty I'm sure I missed something. I'm just glad that I got to say my goodbyes before she went to the vets that last time. I got to sit with her and stroke her for awhile. I think I knew when I saw her struggling to stand that she wasn't going to bounce back, and that it was the end of the line. At least I know that they kept her as comfortable as possible and the vet even said she had personally checked on her every couple of hours during the night but that she just couldn't get the temp up. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOOKINGUP2012 8/26/2013 8:36PM

    So sorry for your loss. Pets are so special. emoticon

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MERRYMARY42 8/25/2013 10:43PM

    so sorry, it is terrible to lose a pet because they are a family member

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Plans for tomorrow

Friday, May 03, 2013

First thing in the morning blood tests for the insurance paperwork. Followed by coming home and getting on the phone with HR to see if they have finally fixed my birthdate. I honestly don't know how it ever ended up recorded incorrectly but man has it been a pain to change! They told me that they couldn't tell me ANYTHING about my insurance because I'd have to wait for them to fix this birthdate issue. Well honestly I wish a simple question like are you getting rid of the plan I'm signed up for?, would be something they would answer but obviously they won't. They told me to wait till April 30th and they would call me by 5 pm to tell me they had fixed it. Well the call never came and I've had other things in my life that had to be done the last couple of days so tomorrow is the day. :) I'm going to find out if they have fixed it and I hope they have because I'm getting all of these things done and I already told the insurance company that my birthdate is wrong so hopefully they aren't going to have any problems.

I'm honestly just really confused about the whole thing. I mean I get a letter from the company that was the only company that our area could sign up with earlier this year, and they said that they weren't going to offer plans that were eligible with everything you have to have next year. So that sounds like I must be having my insurance changed when it's put with the company saying that some plans were cancelled and if you didn't get it changed then in June it was changing whether you wanted it to or not. I guess I'll finally get all my answers in June. I seriously miss being a small child sometimes :) back then I wasn't expected to understand all of this confusion.

  


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