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mixed emotions

Friday, November 01, 2013

I know I'm being very childish and yet I can't see to change the wide set of emotions I'm feeling. There is someone I know that's going through something awful and here I am angry with them. I sort of feel like due to the "bad hand" they've been dealt they are the "favorite." That on a whim they can totally turn my life upside down on so many levels. I know that I shouldn't be so angry with them because it's not like they could plan for life to go the way it has. I'm sure they would have given up being able to drastically change everyone else's lives if they could have but I can't seem to stop the feelings. It's almost therapeutic to just admit all that I'm feeling.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKLINGHOPE 11/3/2013 12:48AM

    Best wishes!

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JUSGETTENBY42 11/1/2013 11:41PM


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LKS2GAB2 11/1/2013 11:30PM

    Sometimes we just have to let it out to get past it. I hope you feel better soon. emoticon

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Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Something written after hearing some bad news

I lie awake
Life wants to attack
It's sneaking
quietly it surrounds
No escape!

Questions fill my mind
Why? When?
Will my heart shatter?
Future so dim

Choices made
lives changed
waiting game begins
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock
The clock counts down

Lonely little girl
Rivers flowing down her face
Broken little sister
Memories she wants to erase

Did consequences enter the mind?
Was caution ever used?
The answers never heard
Tick, Tock
I hear approaching doom

Loud and clear silence screams
Avoidance ingrained so deep
Scars the only witnesses
No one sees

Words flow out
A page fills
Secrets locked away
Pen the only outside witness
Never tell, hide away

Tick, Tock
I hear time passing
all alone I face the truth
loss marches steadily onward

looking for a future glimpse
searching for a timeline
seeking answers
oh in vain I long
nothing changes the end

Death will creep ever closer
Those I love....
Their time draws near
Away they will go

Away for all eternity
They take a piece f me
It lies clutched in stilled hands
Darkness creeping n...
finally I'll reach rest and my end


Saying Goodbye to Misty

Sunday, August 25, 2013

It's been a rough few days around here. I had started to wonder if something was wrong with our cat but she seemed ok just kind of annoyed with us but that wasn't all that unusual because when she was getting into things and getting scolded she'd pout. Well I then noticed she was having trouble standing up. I never would have dreamed she was sick until I saw that and next thing I know the vet said she did all she could but she died. Her kidneys must have given out, but she wasn't sure exactly because they just couldn't get her body temp up. I know that our vet did everything she could but that doesn't make me feel any less guilty I'm sure I missed something. I'm just glad that I got to say my goodbyes before she went to the vets that last time. I got to sit with her and stroke her for awhile. I think I knew when I saw her struggling to stand that she wasn't going to bounce back, and that it was the end of the line. At least I know that they kept her as comfortable as possible and the vet even said she had personally checked on her every couple of hours during the night but that she just couldn't get the temp up. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOOKINGUP2012 8/26/2013 8:36PM

    So sorry for your loss. Pets are so special. emoticon

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MERRYMARY42 8/25/2013 10:43PM

    so sorry, it is terrible to lose a pet because they are a family member

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Plans for tomorrow

Friday, May 03, 2013

First thing in the morning blood tests for the insurance paperwork. Followed by coming home and getting on the phone with HR to see if they have finally fixed my birthdate. I honestly don't know how it ever ended up recorded incorrectly but man has it been a pain to change! They told me that they couldn't tell me ANYTHING about my insurance because I'd have to wait for them to fix this birthdate issue. Well honestly I wish a simple question like are you getting rid of the plan I'm signed up for?, would be something they would answer but obviously they won't. They told me to wait till April 30th and they would call me by 5 pm to tell me they had fixed it. Well the call never came and I've had other things in my life that had to be done the last couple of days so tomorrow is the day. :) I'm going to find out if they have fixed it and I hope they have because I'm getting all of these things done and I already told the insurance company that my birthdate is wrong so hopefully they aren't going to have any problems.

I'm honestly just really confused about the whole thing. I mean I get a letter from the company that was the only company that our area could sign up with earlier this year, and they said that they weren't going to offer plans that were eligible with everything you have to have next year. So that sounds like I must be having my insurance changed when it's put with the company saying that some plans were cancelled and if you didn't get it changed then in June it was changing whether you wanted it to or not. I guess I'll finally get all my answers in June. I seriously miss being a small child sometimes :) back then I wasn't expected to understand all of this confusion.



Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I've been feeling really alone. I know it's not something new because when I've been living in this place I've always felt alone. The lyrics to Love Me says "who will love me for me not for what I have done or what I will become" and there are times I feel like at least with the relationships here on Earth that's a big question in my life. For some reason I've just never felt like I belong. I know it's silly because my family loves me and yet there are times I feel like nothing but a big disappointment. I was miserable during my school days and my parents always told me that basically I'm nuts and a drama queen. Not the words used but implied. I mean they did tell me that I was wrong and their was no reason why the other kids wouldn't like me and yet only the "outcasts" were willing to be my friends so I'd say that I too was an outcast. It really hurt that they wouldn't believe me when I said that I felt really disliked. I had a couple of friends but I wasn't really all that close to them. I guess when people with emotional baggage try to be friends at times you just end up having too much to trust each other. Then I went to college. For a brief time I found a place where I belonged and friends that were so much fun. Though again not any that I really felt overly close to except one.

My best friend ended up being one of the best and worst things to ever happen to me. She was almost like a mirror to me in so many ways. She understood the fears and the craziness. She understood me and I understood her. In so many ways she is the only person in my life that seems to accept me for me. When I mess up she is the only one who seems to love me anyway even though I know other people do but it just seems they hold me to a standard that I just don't match. I want so badly to fit that mold and be who they want me to but I just can't. I'm always letting them down. I get so confused because I don't know myself so how can I know who I really am. I'm too old to be this lost. Now as for the worst part she brings out the dark in me and anything that I later think I probably shouldn't have done tends to be something involving her.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

UMBILICAL 4/30/2013 10:56PM

  Stay in the light, but maintain a relationship with this friend. Can you do it? Don't expect people to be more than people. I feel much like you although I'm much older. Some people never find their way. Some people find that they can be at peace alone. I believe in God so I am never alone.

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BECKYSFRIEND 4/30/2013 10:55PM


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