Tuesday, August 19, 2014
I have been soft. My blogs have been soft. They seem stunted almost. I feel like maybe I'm not being completely honest with myself. I want to be flippant, I want to be positive and encouraging. There's a problem with always being that person though. Something suffers when you are always trying to be upbeat. We can't be upbeat 100 % of the time. So today I'm going to step back from "upbeat Heather" for a moment and I'm just going to be real.
This is how I feel:
I am fat, I am ugly. I do not want my picture taken because I don't want anyone to see how round my face has gotten. I don't want anyone to see my triple chin. I don't want anyone to see how when I smile my fat hides my eyes. I don't want anyone to see the monster that I feel like I've become.
And this is also how I feel:
Sometimes I feel beautiful. Sometimes I feel strong. Sometimes I feel amazing. I know I have gained weight back, all of it and then some, but I don't feel like I'm as big as I used to be. I don't always cringe away from the mirror. Sometimes I even tell myself how cute I am. Sometimes I even feel pretty.
Notice the difference? I tried to put down the positive things that I feel but I noticed every single one of them was a "sometimes". In the first one they were "I am" statements.
Believe it or not this kind of drained me. I'm supposed to be the encourager. The Health Coach. Sometimes though I just have to let my hair down and let it all hang out. Be honest with you and be honest with me. That's what will help in the long run. That is not to say that my previous blogs have been lies or even just "not completely honest". They are. That's how I felt when I wrote them, but this is how I felt today.
I'm not always optimistic. I'm real. I'm a human. And no, I am not putting my goals, wishes, hopes, dreams, or prayers on this blog. This isn't that sort of blog. Now please don't go getting all upset with me, I am not down on myself. I just really needed to make this real. It is part of my journey and completely necessary at this moment in order for me to move forward.
Have a wonderful Tuesday, we need that!