Friday, April 15, 2011
I have been having a difficult week. I have had an engagement party for my sister in law, my car has been making odd noises, an appointment with my psychiatrist, and my first counseling session plus I was scheduled to return to work this week.
WOW Ö Any one of those things on their own would make my anxiety rise to uncomfortable levels, no wonder I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious.
I didnít end up going to the party. My husband is not on the best terms with that side of his family since his mother died in January 2010. They have made some effort to talk to me and to try to establish a relationship with me. Iím not sure how I feel about this.
My husband was a little upset when I told him I would go to the party. So I decided to pass. But now I feel bad for not going. My sister in law has asked me to be a Bridesmaid. I hope I havenít hurt her feelings, because she has always been good to me.
My car has been making noises for some time now. I canít afford to have it checked out. I drove out to my parentís house, and my Dad had a look and we went for a short drive. But guess what?
Ö. NO NOISE!!
Of course it runs fine while he is driving it. Iím hoping there is nothing seriously wrong Ö I donít need any more anxiety about driving.
I have been seeing my psychiatrist for a couple months now; I am usually okay when I have an appointment. I was scheduled for 7:40 AM. I arrived early, like always, but found no one in reception. I waited a bit, still no one. So I climbed the three flights of stairs and went to the waiting room. I waited and waited and waited some more. This is really unusual for my psychiatrist. He is annoyingly punctual. This made my anxiety sky rocket. Finally a nurse came into the waiting room. When she asked me for my health card I was so panic-struck I couldnít find it. They are very strict about presenting a health card EVERY time. I panicked more. I was so frozen with fear that Iíd be sent home with a large bill for missing an appointment, I couldnít even talk at this point. Finally I was able to spit out some information, and she was satisfied that I was not committing health care fraud. By the time the doctor got me from the waiting room I was in tears. Once I calmed down, with his help, the appointment went well. Trying some new medication that should calm me down a bit more Ö
** Fingers Crossed that it works**
Oh, I found my health card. It was in my back jean pocket and I must have sat on it. It is now cracked, so I have to go to Service Canada next week to have it replaced so OHIP will continue to cover me.
After a four month wait I was finally scheduled to see a councilor through a subsidy program. I was really anxious to go to the first appointment. I donít like being in unfamiliar surroundings, especially when I have to go alone. The office was only a short drive from my home, and I left with plenty of time, but I experienced high enough anxiety that I had to stop a few times and pull myself together. I was late for my appointment, I really hate being late because I feel like I am rushed or I want to try to catch up. I had a panic attack during the session but my councilor was awesome and really helped me get through it. We figured out where I am and set some goals. One of the goals is to get ready for returning to work. I had another, more severe panic attack while beginning some role playing the simulated my job. My councilor helped me through that attack too. I hope I can go back to see her soon, but that will depend more on having the money than the need for her help. Sad, I know but that is the reality.
** DEEP BREATHS!! IN Ö. OUT Ö IN Ö OUT **
As I said earlier I was scheduled to return to work yesterday from a three month leave. I have been off of work on doctors orders due to my anxiety and a spike in depression. The depression has lifted a lot. Iím really proud of all the hard work I have done to get my life back Ö Well, some what back to normal.
I didnít make it into work for my scheduled shift and I wasnít even able to call to let the manager know that I wouldnít be in. I was so anxious and overwhelmed. My anxiety had been climbing all day and peaked with a panic attack. It was awful and so disappointing.
Earlier today I called work to explain what happened and see if I could make some other arrangements so I could successfully return. I was told that I was to stick to the plan we had already made or face further disciplinary action and possibly termination. Right now I am scheduled to work 11 PM to 3 AM on Saturday and Sunday. And when I arrive on Saturday I have a few written warnings to sign regarding Thursday. All I really wanted from that call was if I could sit with some one for the beginning of my shift to just refresh myself. But they said no. The call was cut short by the Human Resources person by them saying ďWe will see you on Saturday. If you decide to come in.Ē and then she hung up. Awesome, not.
At this point Iím not sure what to do Ö Do I make the effort to try to go back? Or do I just quit and hit the pavement? This has my anxiety so freaking high right now. Iíve talked to the local distress line twice today and it has likely been the cause of three panic attacks that I had today.
I need to get my anxiety down so I can think clearly about this. Now it is time to turn on the relaxing music, drink some herbal tea, and clear my mind. I do feel a bit better after writing this. It was very therapeutic.
What an awful week. I really hope that this weekend turns out better than this week.