Monday, March 24, 2008
I got married. And, oh my, I'm a different person now than I was then and I'm so glad.
That day, I was a nervous wreck. My parents even let me smoke in the house because I was so nervous.
I got married in my parents' livingroom with only immediate family, aunts and uncles (no cousins) and grandparents and still, I felt like there were too many people. There were only about 30. When my husband to be tried to put the ring on my finger, my fingers were so sweaty, he had a hard time doing it. But, he did and we got married.
I was so insecure at that point in my life. I cried at the drop of a hat or at an annoyed look from my hubby. He hated it. But, the older I got, the more confident I got and I learned to stand up for myself and now he and I 24 years later are solid and content.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
I cried while reading a novel. But, it was so sad...
When he came back and settled in beside her, she reached up slowly, traced the outline of his lips with the tip of her finger. "You first ravished me on the floor in front of a fire, remember?"
He smiled, like a blind woman, she felt his lips curve with the sensitive pad of her finger. "If I remember correctly, you were doing the ravishing."
"And what if I wanted to ravish you now?"
He looked so scared that she wanted to laugh, but it wasn't funny. "Can we?"
He took her in his arms. She knew they were both thinking that she'd lost so much weight there was almost nothing left of her.
Nothing left of her.
She closed her eyes and tightened her hold around his neck.
The bed seemed so big suddenly, like a sea of soft white cotton compared to the bed downstairs that had become hers.
Slowly, Kate took off her robe and peeled out of her nightgown, trying not to notice how white and sticklike her legs were. Even worse was the battlefield that had been her breasts. She looked ruined, like a little boy, only there were the scars.
Johnny stripped out of his clothes, kicked them aside, and climbed back into bed beside her, drawing the covers up to their hips.
Her heart was thumping hard as she looked at him.
"You're so beautiful," he said, and leaned forward to kiss her scars.
Relief and love cracked her open inside. She kissed him, her breath coming hard and ragged already. In their twenty years of marriage, they'd made love thousands of times, and it was always great, but this was different, they had to be gentle. She knew he was terrified of breaking her bones. She hardly remembered later how it had all happened, how she'd come to be on top of him; all she knew was that she needed every part of him, and everything that she was, that she'd ever been was irrevocably tied up with this man. When he finally entered her, slow and easy, filling her, she came down to meet him, and in that glorious second, she was whole again. She bent down and kissed him, tasting his tears.
Finally, smiling, feeling young again, she snuggled up against him. He put an arm around her and pulled her close. They lay there a long time, half sitting against the mound of pillows, watching the firelight, saying nothing.
Then, quietly, Kate said what had been on her mind for a long time. "I can't stand to think of you alone."
"I won't ever be alone. We've got three kids."
"You know what I mean. I'd understand if you and T---"
"Don't." He looked at her finally, and in the eyes she knew as well as her own she saw a pain so deep she wanted to weep.
"It was always you. Just you, Katie. T---- was a one-night stand, a long time ago. I didn't love her then and I never have. Not for a second. You're my heart and soul. My world. How can you not know that?"
She saw the truth in his face, heard it in the tremble in his voice, and she was ashamed of herself. She should have known this all along. "I do know that. I'm just so worried about you and the kids. I hate to think..."
This conversation was like swimming through acid; it burned through flesh and bone. "I know, baby," he said finally. "I know."
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Well, I had a bad 3½ day flare last week and I've had two bad days this week (yesterday and today). Since, March 7th, I've been keeping a pain diary and I printed it up nicely and took it my doctor's appointment with me.
He's agreed that I can stop taking the Humira but he wants me to try Orencia. I'll have to do some research on it. All I know about it is that I have to go to the doctor's office for it because I get through an IV, which I've never done before.
It would be nice if THIS ONE works. It will be the third biologic that I've tried...
I also had my very first energy drink today because I had a lousy sleep last night because of the pain and I was really tired all day today and then I was supposed to play bridge tonight and I wasn't going to get home until 11:30 and Diet Coke wasn't doing a thing so I thought I'd try an energy drink. I drank it before bridge and then wouldn't you know it but bridge was cancelled. The drink woke me up but I'm not feeling REALLY alert but I'm not feeling really sleepy anymore either so I guess it did what it was supposed to. It just doesn't feel like it gave me all that much energy!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
I'm down a whole point 2 pounds (.2)! WooHoo!
But, I should be grateful it's not a gain since I haven't exercised or kept track of my food since Monday.
I've had a terrible week, pain-wise. I've been suffering from a flare in my rib cage. Apparently, it's called costochondritis (ribcage pain from swollen cartilage). But, whatever it's called, I just want it to go away. I'm wondering if it's being caused by the Humira I'm taking since this is the second episode like this that I've had since I started taking Humira in December. I thought it was bad when my knees were sore and it is but I really don't like this either.
I've spent the past week with heating pads, hot water bottles and ice packs on my chest and back. And, I missed 3½ days of work and 3 meetings that I'm instrumental in because of it. So far today, I'm feeling a little better (touch wood) and I'm supposed to go and visit my sister and her kids this morning so perhaps I will. It's been pretty mild here this week (between 30 and 40).
Anyway, I hope I'm better by Monday because there's work that needs to get done at work and only I can do it.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
I've never seen so much snow that has fallen all at once in my life! I was just amazed that it could snow for so long! I've put some new photos in my gallery showing the snow for those of you who didn't get to experience it. Thoughtful, eh?
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