Friday, January 29, 2010
The Bathing Suit
When I was a child the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.
They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice -she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have?
I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.
The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.
The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that If you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whip lash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.
It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.
The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.
I realigned my speed bump and lurched
toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it.
The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides.
I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape,
And a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills
And came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a mesh midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink suit with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it .
Finally, I found a suit that fit.
A two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.
It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it .
My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got home, I found a label which read -- 'Material might become
Transparent in water.'
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too... I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a t-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.
'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.'
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Quilt of Holes
As I faced my Maker at the last judgment , I knelt before the Lord along with all the other
Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.
But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the
pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was.
They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled
with a part of my life that had been difficult, the
challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day
life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest
holes of all.
I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares.
Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries
were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly
fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was
My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth
together, threadbare and empty, like binding
Finally the time came when each life was to be
displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The
others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So
filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and
nodded for me to rise.
My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I
hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my
life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of
illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me
my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I
often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow
muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many
nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance
in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I
endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in
hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the
judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.
And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what
it was, and I had to accept it for what it
I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of
my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the
air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide
Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded
the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then
our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love
in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to
Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.
Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and
let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there
was of you.'
May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, all owing Christ to
God determines who walks into your life…it's up to you to
decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you
refuse to let go.'
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and thenbarfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontiusthe Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Life is like hot chocolate...
> A group of graduates, well established in their
> careers, were talking at a
> reunion and decided to go visit their old
> university professor, now retired.
> During their visit, the conversation turned to
> complaints about stress in
> their work and lives. Offering his guests hot
> chocolate, the professor went into
> the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot
> chocolate and an assortment
> of cups -- porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain
> looking, some expensive,
> some exquisite -- telling them to help themselves
> to the hot chocolate.
> When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand,
> the professor said:
> 'Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups
> were taken, leaving behind the
> plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you
> to want only the best for
> yourselves, that is the source of your problems and
> stress. The cup that you're
> drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the
> hot chocolate. In most
> cases it is just more expensive and in some cases
> even hides what we drink.
> What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not
> the cup; but you
> consciously went for the best cups... And then you
> began eyeing each other's cups.
> Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your
> job, money and position
> in society are the cups. They are just tools to
> hold and contain life. The
> cup you have does not define, nor change the quality
> of life you have.
> Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail
> to enjoy the hot chocolate God
> has provided us. God makes the hot chocolate, we
> people choose the cups.
> The happiest people don't have the best of
> everything. They just make the
> best of everything that they have.
> Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak
> kindly. And enjoy your
> hot chocolate.
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