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A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible - Joke

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and thenbarfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontiusthe Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PHDMAMA06 1/27/2010 7:27PM

    Very cute!

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JOYYAK 1/27/2010 2:59PM

    Cute! emoticon

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GRANDMAMAOF3 1/27/2010 1:46PM

    That was great! Don't know when I have laughed sooo hard! emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/27/2010 1:48:33 PM

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PANDAZONES 1/27/2010 1:42PM

    cute emoticon

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Life is like hot chocolate... Oldie but Good!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Life is like hot chocolate...
>
> A group of graduates, well established in their
> careers, were talking at a
> reunion and decided to go visit their old
> university professor, now retired.
> During their visit, the conversation turned to
> complaints about stress in
> their work and lives. Offering his guests hot
> chocolate, the professor went into
> the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot
> chocolate and an assortment
> of cups -- porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain
> looking, some expensive,
> some exquisite -- telling them to help themselves
> to the hot chocolate.
>
> When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand,
> the professor said:
> 'Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups
> were taken, leaving behind the
> plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you
> to want only the best for
> yourselves, that is the source of your problems and
> stress. The cup that you're
> drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the
> hot chocolate. In most
> cases it is just more expensive and in some cases
> even hides what we drink.
> What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not
> the cup; but you
> consciously went for the best cups... And then you
> began eyeing each other's cups.
>
> Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your
> job, money and position
> in society are the cups. They are just tools to
> hold and contain life. The
> cup you have does not define, nor change the quality
> of life you have.
> Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail
> to enjoy the hot chocolate God
> has provided us. God makes the hot chocolate, we
> people choose the cups.
>
> The happiest people don't have the best of
> everything. They just make the
> best of everything that they have.
>
> Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak
> kindly. And enjoy your
> hot chocolate.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOINFINE 1/27/2010 7:58PM

    Thanks! I needed that!

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CARTOONB 1/26/2010 10:20PM

    "Food" for thought. Thanks!

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JUNIAATROME 1/26/2010 2:06PM

    This is a new one for me! And really great and so needed at the moment in my life.

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JOYYAK 1/26/2010 1:05PM

    A thoughtful piece. Thank you for reminding us what our priorities should be in life!

Joyce
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January 25, 2010

Monday, January 25, 2010

I have not written a blog about myself in quite a few days and I decided that it was time!

I am doing okay and I am doing great! My weight dropped down under 180 for the first time forever! Unfortunately this is because of stress but great because I am losing! Hopefully, it will stay in the 170's but I always give myself several days to make sure!

We have some stuff going on in the family with one of my relatives that has me really upset and unfortunately right now I can't talk about it. Prayers are always welcome however!

My parents are both doing really good. My father is eating probably too much but he is very happy and cheerful which is such a nice change! He told me yesterday that he did not know if he was dying or going to live but he has decided to act like he is going to live! I told him that he looked pretty good to me but that we will hear more from the doctors. He has an appt. next week with his Pulmonary doctor because they saw a spot on one of his lungs.

I have really failed this last week and weekend on the exercise but I am trying to motivate myself to get going again. I think that exercise will always be a struggle with me but it is well worth the struggle because I feel so much better.

Thanks for listening!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARTOONB 1/26/2010 10:24PM

    My prayers are with you. Hope everything works out for you.

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KATVHALE 1/26/2010 11:27AM

  Betsy, we have the same situation with motivation! I have never really liked to exercise even when I was fit and healthy! I have to constantly push myself to even do simple things like walking or doing a 10-minute workout!!

I am happy to hear about Dad and I pray that things go well with his appointment next week.

I will be praying for your unspoken request that it gets resolved soon and for the good!

Love ya like a Sis!

Kat

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DEE107 1/26/2010 12:31AM

    Besty .. Let GO and LET GOD , hand everything over to him every time the you think of the problem.. Glad dad is doing better and you and your family is already on my prayer list..Keep the faith..Hugs Dee

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JOYYAK 1/25/2010 10:58PM

    Betsy,

It sounds like you have a lot going on. I'll be thinking about you through this week and hoping that life may settle for you. I'm glad that your Dad has such a good positive outlook right now (subject to change, but one day at a time!). And that is just wonderful about your weight. The exercise will come once your life settles just a bit.

With that being said, you probably will feel even better about yourself and your situraion if you can push to at least do a little walking. Get those endorphins going! Just 15 minutes -- that's not too long to walk in the morning before you head out to work!

Hang in there!
Joyce
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DOINFINE 1/25/2010 5:09PM

    Betsy, I'm sorry you had to have stress take off your pounds but! A pound is a pound is a pound! I'm glad to hear things are going well with your Dad. That's an answer to alot of prayers! I hope you take care of yourself and try to at least get in 10 minutes of exercise, even just stretching. Stress really tightens my muscles up.
I will be praying for you and the situation you described. Family troubles are especially difficult but we have a God Who specializes in difficulties! God is good!
I pray God's peace and rest for you! emoticon

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ABIGAILSING 1/25/2010 2:57PM

    Good to hear what is going on with you. You continue to be in my prayers. I always look to see what your blog is about. A lot of times I don't read the jokes or email copies for time constraint reasons, but I always check for signs of how you are. May God's blessing out weigh the stressing, my friend!

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This Joke makes me laugh everytime I read it! - How to Give a Cat a Pill!!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

How To Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATVHALE 1/26/2010 11:31AM

  That is why I have never owned a cat!!

Thanks for sharing!

Kat

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JUNIAATROME 1/25/2010 4:04AM

    Now see that's why we have Charlie. He'd eat any pill in any kind of food. LOL

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GEEMAWEST 1/24/2010 9:12PM

    How very true. That's what makes it so funny! emoticon

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WYWIWOMAN 1/24/2010 8:55PM

    I've loved this How To... since I first read it and shared it with my husband. As a recent two-week graduate (?) of dispensing pills to one cat, I'm laughing and counting healing scratches and punctures.

Thank you!

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ELKERSTER 1/24/2010 6:34PM

    I've seen this a few times but it never gets old. emoticon

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BIG_SCOTS_LASS 1/24/2010 5:54PM

    I laughed so hard at this it brought on my asthma! I still have tears in my eyes. Brilliant!
emoticon
(ROTFLMAO)

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PHDMAMA06 1/24/2010 5:51PM

    I love this one! It' sooooooooo true! (I also love the one about wrapping Christams presents with a cat, gets me every time...)

emoticon

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DUTCHIEKIWI 1/24/2010 5:47PM

    LOL LOL LOL that's awesome!!!!!!!!!!!


;0)

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CARTOONB 1/24/2010 5:13PM

    And so true! Hilarious!

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GARDENER718 1/24/2010 4:50PM

  I'm still laughing. I can't stop myself. hahahahahahahah
wonderful

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HANDY LITTLE CHART - GOD HAS A POSITIVE ANSWER: YOU SAY GOD SAYS

Saturday, January 23, 2010

HANDY LITTLE CHART - GOD HAS A POSITIVE ANSWER: YOU SAY GOD SAYS
BIBLE VERSES

You say: 'It's impossible
God says: All things are possible
(Luke 18:27)

You say: 'I'm too tired
God says: I will give you rest
(Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: 'Nobody really loves me
God says: I love you
(John 3:1 6 & John 3:34 )

You say: 'I can't go on'
God says: My grace is sufficient
(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

You say: 'I can't figure things out'
God says: I will direct your steps
(Proverbs 3:5- 6)

You say: 'I can't do it
God says: You can do all things
( Phil ippians 4:13)

You say: 'I'm not able
God says: I am able
(II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: 'It's not worth it
God says: It will be worth it
(Roman 8:28 )

You say: 'I can't forgive my self'
God says: I Forgive you
(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: 'I can't manage
God says: I will supply all your needs
( Phil ippians 4:19)

You say: 'I'm afraid
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear
(II Timothy 1:7)

You say: 'I'm always worried and frustrated
God says: Cast all your cares on ME
(I Peter 5:7

You say: 'I'm not smart enough
God says: I give you wisdom
(I Corinthians 1:30)

You say: 'I feel all alone
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you
(Hebrews 13:5)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUNIAATROME 1/25/2010 4:06AM

    So true.

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KNEAL06 1/24/2010 3:31PM

    Thank you for your comment on my blog, and thank you for posting this blog. It really did help me and my friend Stephanie. She wrote me back saying this is just what she needed to hear on such a tough day. =)

emoticon
Kim

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MYFEETHURT 1/23/2010 8:48PM

  Great chart, Becky. I've heard we are told to "fear not" 365 times in the Bible. One for each day of the year. We are so blessed. mary

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CUTIEPIEESH10 1/23/2010 8:16PM

    That is such a great post. Thanks for sharing!

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MICHELLES-SPARK 1/23/2010 8:10PM

    Thank You!!! I love it! I copied it to put it on my SparkPage.

God Bless!!!

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TISSWEET 1/23/2010 7:58PM

    emoticon Great post!

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