Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Life is like hot chocolate...
> A group of graduates, well established in their
> careers, were talking at a
> reunion and decided to go visit their old
> university professor, now retired.
> During their visit, the conversation turned to
> complaints about stress in
> their work and lives. Offering his guests hot
> chocolate, the professor went into
> the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot
> chocolate and an assortment
> of cups -- porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain
> looking, some expensive,
> some exquisite -- telling them to help themselves
> to the hot chocolate.
> When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand,
> the professor said:
> 'Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups
> were taken, leaving behind the
> plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you
> to want only the best for
> yourselves, that is the source of your problems and
> stress. The cup that you're
> drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the
> hot chocolate. In most
> cases it is just more expensive and in some cases
> even hides what we drink.
> What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not
> the cup; but you
> consciously went for the best cups... And then you
> began eyeing each other's cups.
> Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your
> job, money and position
> in society are the cups. They are just tools to
> hold and contain life. The
> cup you have does not define, nor change the quality
> of life you have.
> Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail
> to enjoy the hot chocolate God
> has provided us. God makes the hot chocolate, we
> people choose the cups.
> The happiest people don't have the best of
> everything. They just make the
> best of everything that they have.
> Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak
> kindly. And enjoy your
> hot chocolate.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
How To Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Friday, January 22, 2010
WalMart Greeter (a new one)
Charley, a new 'retiree greeter' at
Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on
time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15
min utes late.. But he was a good worker
... Really tidy, clean shaven, sharp
minded and a real credit to the company and
obviously demonstrating their "Older
Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss was in a real quandary
about how to deal with it.
Finally, he called him into the office
for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you,
I like your work ethic.
You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good. You are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though, your coming in late.
I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say if you came in late
"They said, 'Good morning, General. Will you have tea or
coffee this morning, Sir?'"
Get An Email Alert Each Time BKNOCK Posts