Sunday, January 24, 2010
How To Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Friday, January 22, 2010
WalMart Greeter (a new one)
Charley, a new 'retiree greeter' at
Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on
time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15
min utes late.. But he was a good worker
... Really tidy, clean shaven, sharp
minded and a real credit to the company and
obviously demonstrating their "Older
Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss was in a real quandary
about how to deal with it.
Finally, he called him into the office
for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you,
I like your work ethic.
You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good. You are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though, your coming in late.
I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say if you came in late
"They said, 'Good morning, General. Will you have tea or
coffee this morning, Sir?'"
Thursday, January 21, 2010
A new minister was walking with an older, more seasoned minister in the garden one day.
Feeling a bit insecure about what God had for him to do, he was asking the older preacher for some advice. The older preacher walked up to a rosebush and handed the young preacher a rosebud and told him to open it without tearing off any petals.
The young preacher looked in disbelief at the older preacher and was trying to figure out what a rosebud could possibly have to do with his wanting to know the will of God for his life and ministry.
But because of his great respect for the older preacher, he proceeded to try to unfold the rose, while keeping every petal intact. It wasn't long before he realized how impossible this was to do.
Noticing the younger preacher's inability to unfold the rosebud without tearing it, the older preacher began to recite the following poem...
"It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.
The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I.
GOD opens this flower so easily,
But in my hands they die.
If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God's design,
Then how can I have the wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?
So I'll trust in God for leading
Each moment of my day.
I will look to God for guidance
In each step of the way.
The path that lies before me,
Only my Lord knows.
I'll trust God to unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds the rose."
Let go and let God unfold your life.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75
cents in my pocket.
Their father was gone.
The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister was two.
Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared.
Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would
scramble to hide under their beds.
He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries.
Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but no
If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I
certainly knew nothing about it.
I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best
homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty
old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job.
The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small
The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to
convince who ever would listen that I
was willing to learn or do anything. I had to have a job.
Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was
an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in t hat
had been converted to a truck stop.
It was called the Big Wheel.
An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window
from time to time at all those kids.
She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the
She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start that night.
I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-sat for
I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night.
She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep
This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so we made a deal.
That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers, we all
thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so
I started at the Big Wheel.
When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her home
with one dollar of my tip money--
fully half of what I averaged every night.
As the weeks went by, heating bills added a strain to my meager wage.
The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and began to
leak. I had to fill them with air on
the way to work and again every morning before I could go home.
One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four
tires in the back seat. New tires!
There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires.
Had angels taken up residence in Indiana ? I wondered.
I made a deal with the local service station.
In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office.
I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to
do the tires.
I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't enough.
Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the
I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old toys.
Then I hid them in the basement so
there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning.
Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on the boys
pants and soon they would be too far
gone to repair.
On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel.
There were the truckers, Les, Frank,
and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe.
A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were
dropping nickels in the pinball machine.
The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the
morning and then left to get home before
the sun came up.
When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on Christmas morning, to
my amazement, my old battered Chevy
was filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes.
I quickly opened the driver's side door, crawled inside and kneeled in the
front facing the back seat.
Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box.
Inside was whole case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10!
I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the jeans.
Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes. There was candy and nuts and
bananas and bags of groceries. There
was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes. There
was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie
filling and flour. There was whole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning
And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll.
As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most
amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was
sobbing with gratitude.
And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious
Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all hung
out at the Big Wheel truck stop....
THE POWER OF PRAYER. I believe that God only gives three answers to prayer:
2. 'Not yet.'
3. 'I have something better in mind.'
God still sits on the throne, the devil is a liar.
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