Saturday, October 29, 2011
You know, I just realized I found SparkPeople about a year ago. Iíd like to say that Iím thinner, healthier, my life is perfect etc. but thatís just not the case. I actually weight MORE now than I did when I started. HOWEVER, (and this is a big however), I think Iím more at peace with myself. Iím learning (and itís such a slow process) that my weight just CANNOT be the barometer by which I base my happiness.
I kind of feel like a big old lurker on this website. I read your blogs, follow your stories, and in so many ways gain insights and feel connected to all of you. Itís hard for me to post blogs because I feel like I have nothing new to add to what all of you say. So today I just want to say hi again. Today Iím feeling good. Iím not at my goal weight anymore but I ran 5 miles on the treadmill yesterday. I had a weekís vacation and TOTALLY indulged in food and alcohol--but not everyday AND managed to sneak in some hikes and exercise. Somehow, someway, I hope to find that illusive place of moderation.
Until then, I keep showing up and keep trying to improve my thinking. I know it all starts there--not with the scale. The fact that I can even feel happy on a day when my weight is so far from where I want it, well thatís actually improvement. I donít want to WAIT to be happy for that perfect number. I want to be happy now and just strive to be healthy and feel better......
Iím feeling grateful today for all of you and all of the people in my life who support my efforts.
Saturday, May 07, 2011
I havenít blogged in quite a while. I didnít want to repeat the same stuff over and over again. I eat well, I lose weight, I binge, I gain weight. Repeat. The pattern of my life is so BORING. REALLY. If I look back at when all my eating issues started (age 14) and follow along my life until today it seems the overriding theme of my life has been about food/weight/diet obsession and thoughts. Iíve managed somehow during this time to have relationships, a job, make babies and parent them into children and teenagers, get married (twice but whose counting?), be a loving partner and by all accounts lead a full life. HOWEVER, I know the truth. On a daily basis my mood and my actions are determined by my relationship with food. Monumental events such as weddings, funerals, graduations--yep, there is still me thinking about what I should or shouldnít be eating. Some days I get outside my head and other days I simply canít. I wish there was a switch to turn off this preoccupation with all this ďstuffĒ. I want to LIVE my life and be fully present for the activities in which I engage. Even exercise, which makes me feel great--does it make me feel great just because itís invigorating or because combined with that in the back of my mind I know Iím burning calories? This is why I love Sparkpeople. I read all of your blogs everyday and realize Iím not the only one who feels this way. And, yes, there are moments in my life when Iím NOT thinking about food and weight. Even though I hit my goal last November and am now 9 pounds above it (again) I donít feel particularly bad about myself. In fact, Iím pretty happy with the way my body looks overall and I know Iím fit. So there is the progress. I thought the road to happiness was a number on a scale but Iím slowly ďgettingĒ it that itís more about that inner satisfaction and being strong, eating well for energy and not bouncing between binging and starving. Yes, it is a long road but where else can I go? Each day I have the opportunity to make the right choices again and remind (and re-remind) myself about what is truly important--and itís not found on a calorie or weight tracker, but found in the act of caring for myself. I care for others on a daily basis but I donít know that Iíve every TAKEN CARE (in a loving way) of myself. Hmmmmmm.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Well I havenít blogged in a while so I thought Iíd just check in with everybody. After my LAST blog I kind of swung the other direction. Whatís is with that anyway? Everything is going GREAT, Iím being positive then WHAMO--binge city. So, yes, I binged FIVE times last week and didnít exercise for EIGHT days. Now to be fair, I got sick so that was a big reason why I didnít exercise. Certainly, it was also sort of a catalyst for my binging too...I stayed home from work, alone (kids at school, husband at work), and I was feeling sorry for myself to boot. Then for some reason that accessibility....I could eat what I wanted without anyone knowing, as MUCH as I wanted...I donít know--I just wanted to feel numb. And binging makes me feel numb--until itís over and Iíve just compounded how bad I feel.
To make a long story short...I binged, I drank (vodka and diet coke--ironic right? DIET coke), sat on my tush and didnít move for several days. My husband was concerned about the drinking. He could tell by my behavior when he got home. I, of course, felt EXTREMELY guilty and EXTREMELY full and sad and all of the bad feelings that we all know come with behavior like this. Numb can work for only so long. Eventually I had to take care of my responsibilities and to do what I have to be coherent and present. I started back to work and when I felt better, started back to bootcamp in the mornings. Four days of clean eating and exercising later I can tell you OF COURSE I feel MUCH better. DUH! So why, when I know how good THIS feels, do I choose to rely on destructive behaviors that I know will eventually cause me grief and pain??? (oh, and weight gain, embarrassment, shame, just to name a few others).
It has always amazed me how, despite any insight I may have about my eating and/or drinking, I still cling to it in times of weakness. I donít turn to it as much as I have in days past...but it lingers there on the edge of my life taunting me when I am vulnerable. And sometimes I cave. SH*&! Where is the magic pill that will take that temptation from me????
Ok, no magic pill. I just have to persevere. I feel fine now, great actually (for today at least and thatís all I really have). I keep reading your blogs and gaining strength and wisdom from them. I keep getting ďback on trackĒ. And I hope that, eventually, the tools I gather will help me when my demons beckon. It seems that by not immersing myself in binging regrets/drama I am able to turn things around much sooner than I used to. Instead of waking up the morning after a binge berating myself, I just pretend that it was a blip in a long line of healthy eating. And start again to eat and exercise the way I know makes me feel best.
Friday, January 21, 2011
I haven't posted any blogs for quite a while. My last blog mentioned how I'd gained weight and was binging again. It's scary stuff this yo-yo mentality. Like so many of you (and thank you btw for all writing so honestly in your own blogs because I feel less alone with my craziness) I thought that I was "fixed". By fixed I mean that I'd LOST the weight, was now the fitness queen and would never go back to my sluggish/disordered eating ways. Well, I'm here to tell you that I will probably always battle those demons. But I'm improving. I keep reading from all of you to just get back up and keep moving forward. When I'm in binge mode I forget that I can make the decision--that I CAN MAKE THE DECISION--to turn things back around. My choice. My actions. My control. I forget that because it seems at that time, those moments, that I have no control. I feel like I MUST eat, that I'll ALWAYS feel compelled to eat so why fight it, it's too hard to sit with the anxiety and the compulsion, etc. But that's not true. The compulsion is NOT always there. I don't HAVE to always be fat. Life isn't ALWAYS hard. Notice all the absolutes in my way of thinking? Life is not all one way or the other. It shifts just as my moods, my feelings and my energy level. Well, I did start back on track. And I put one good day in front of me, and then another, and then another. And just as quickly as I spiraled downward, I spiraled back upward again. Just like that. So for all of you that feel like you've slipped and can't recover your good habits I'm here to tell you you CAN and you WILL. Just for today and this moment eat well and move your body. Before you know it the day will be over and you'll already be "back on track". That's all it takes is tracking your food, exercising, (reading the blogs help and inspire me) and don't let yesterday's mistakes (even if there are several yesterdays strung together) stop you from being healthy TODAY. After several good days now I feel SOOOOO much better, the weight is coming back off, I have more energy and I"m just overall happier. I didn't think I'd be able to get back here but I have. And it all started with that first day. Again. So remember that (I telling myself this too) there are no absolutes. There are good and bad days. Everyday, however, we have the choice to make this day a good one. By making that choice you can take your power back and turn things around.
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