BILLIEB1120's Recent Blog Entries


Thursday, March 10, 2011

I'm done with this fight. I wave the white flag. Stick a fork in me.
I have been trying and trying and I get no where. Life gets in the way, work gets in the way. I cant maintain enough intrest or desire to care what my body looks or feels like when I'm too busy just trying to survive life. And in the end what is the point? I know my history very well I will drop 20 to 50 pounds in the blink of an eye with no apparent effort then gain it back. All I get out of the process is guilt, frustration, anger and decreased self esteem and quite frankly life provides enough of that on its own. To everyone who was there when I had questions or a bad day thank you. Best wishes to all. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

I_AM_WORTHY2010 3/13/2011 5:54PM

    I feel you but you are feeding yourself the wrong brain food ( self talk). Changing a life, be it eating lifestyle, health lifestyle, spiritual lifestyle, it is a JOURNEY.... And as you walk this journey, you will have good days and not so good days, but over time, as you keep moving forward, you CAN and will have more good days than not.

From what you have shared, you may be in a depression. I wonder also if your son may be too. There is help and there is hope. I know what you are saying, my journey has had some great ups and the past two+ years some low of lows and I too felt just like you. My decision to not move forward during this time cost my family, mostly my daughter. I am pushing myself now thru these feelings of being overwhelmed. Baby steps.

It is working. No I am not losing weight but that is not my measure to success right now. Eating healthier, eating less and moving more is what counts for me. I have proven to myself that I can 'lose' weight so it's not about that for me now. I still have health issues that hinder the weight loss so I just don't even go there right now.

My focus is the overall health of my family and a good balance of life. We were too unbalanced and it affected our health.

I know you love your son and want what is best for him. I wish you the best on your journey and pray you trust in Hope and continue to move forward. Take care.

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NEVERNAKED 3/12/2011 1:18PM

    i'm sorry you feel so discouraged. and i can totally relate. sometimes it just seems like what's the point?

when / if you're ready to come back, we'll be here!

take care.

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RAINBOWFALLS 3/12/2011 9:11AM

    I hope you change your mind... Best of luck to you.

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BOBF15 3/11/2011 2:51PM

    Life is always a fight, a battle, like the battle between, gravity and flight, keep your wings out and you fly, tuck them in... and you fall.

I agree it does take effort to keep those wings out, not easy, nope!!!

But as mentioned in the other entry, we will be here for you.

Your focus is your reality. emoticon

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SMILEYBABS 3/10/2011 4:26PM

    We will still be here when you come back when you are feeling more up to it. In the meantime, take care of yourself.

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goals are yucky! lol

Monday, February 21, 2011

I seriously need to focus on learning to meet a goal and not change it halfway through because I am not getting there. I have worked really hard to learn to be flexible but I think I have gone to far the other way! I have yet to sit a goal that I have maintained for longer than 3 days and this has lasted over a year.
I think the turning point was when I started college in 2008 then quit in 2009. I worked so hard to go to school full time, work, be a single mom and still earn a 4.0 GPA and a place on the Presidents Honor Roll, plus induction into Phi Theta Kappa. Then I got into the physical therapy assistants program a feat of its own since they only accept 15 students a year but halfway through the program I had to quit because I could not function under the stress level and my depression, anxiety and urges to cut went through the roof.
Since then I have not kept a single goal. It is so frustrating to set completely attainable goals stand in my own way. I think I am afraid I will reach my goal and fail again.
I am going to focus on small goals for now.
1) exercise daily---this controls my depression,anxiety,insomnia and weight
2) only eat out once a week--this is healthier, offers quality family time, and better for the budget!
After setting my goals I have to post them right front and center where I will see them everyday and measure my progress. This means I get to make great posters and use fun stickers! lol
The inability to complete a goal I have set for myself however small is effecting how I feel about myself as a person. I feel like a failure all the time when defintely I am not. I am a hardworking, smart, caring, funny, kind, mom. Now if I can just remember that! lol
I think that is enough for now.
PS I guess part of a goal is to set an end date ! Oops! These goals are effective until March 31.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BILLIEB1120 3/6/2011 6:37PM

    none of these goals have come even close to being met in fact after making my lovely little poster to track all my "successes" on I promptly managed to lose it. My life is out of control and i have no idea how to pull it back. emoticon

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RAINBOWFALLS 2/22/2011 11:42AM

    emoticon setting small goals is the best way to achieve them!

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Musings on depression and weight loss

Friday, January 28, 2011

Yuk! My old friend depression has tried to set in again. I haven't completed any task that wasn't specifically written on a to do list and some days I couldn't even manage that. I'm trying to pull myself out but it is slow going at least I noticed early this time.
So as for my goal of losing 10 pounds by 2/14 it wont happen! I know it wont. I cant manage to exercise or eat right and all I want to do is sleep. I'm making better choices lately. I grabbed water instead of soda at the gas station but used it to wash down a snickers, I've added a pear and apple to my dinners the last 2 nights and have snacked on protein bars when I had them handy but over all its not great.
When I start getting depressed the first thing to go is motivation. It isn't because I dont want to accomplish anything-I do I actually make huge plans- its because I become paralyzed by fear. What do I fear? I fear not only failing to reach my goals but I also fear REACHING my goals. Sounds odd huh? Fearing reaching your goal? Fear of accomplishment? But really it makes sense. When you make a change of any kind your life has to change and change is scary. Is the change going to have a positive impact on your life? realationships? stress level? What will happen? If I fail I will have overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame and disappointment in myself but these are feelings I have become very familiar with over the years. So familiar in fact that I sit them a place at the dinner table every holiday!
How do I overcome a fear of success? How do I beat my depression this time around? Its a very fine balancing act. Almost as delicate of work as coaxing a rabbit from its hole for petting. A little change here a little change there but no quick moves no huge movements. The only force allowed is forcing myself to leave the house daily with no exceptions. I have to do this because when my depression gets bad so does my anxiety. The worst thing for a person with depression and social anxiety to do is to stay home! So I continue to make the small changes that will increase my happy level and decrease my stress level. The biggest of these is exercise which I fail on most days. I know very well that if I exercise every day my stress and anxiety level are much lower but I also am too hard on myself when my body doesn't do exactly what I want it to do the way I want it to do it. The best answer to this is walking. Walking I can stick with, walking I can do anywhere anytime, walking is meditative. But my competitive brain says that walking is not a challenge for my body, walking doesn't leave me sore. I try to ignore that part. So knowing all of this tomorrow we will start our new goal of trying to walk the distance from our house to Branson-where we hope to vacation this summer. We bought new pedometers, made a great poster to keep track and are ready to go!
Food wise it is sooo easy to "treat" depression with carbs and comfort food. I'm from eating families. The solution for all that ails is to eat something preferably keep eating it until you feel better or forget why you started eating in the first place. I'm striving to make menus and keep us surrounded by healthy foods. A big plus the oven is broke!!! LOL

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BILLIEB1120 1/31/2011 12:05AM

    LOL Nikki I love you! I'm doing what I can and I guess that is what matters! Trying to drop the perfectionism habit again too lol But things are shaping up and it looks like February is going to be AWESOME!!!!! emoticon Rainbow I'm right there with ya! Small changes small changes. When I talk myself out of a full workout I then say okay then at least do some plies or a few yoga poses and it reminds me why I enjoy my workouts in the first place. Somedays I have to focus on how much stronger I feel afterwards instead of the scale/tape measure/skinny jeans!

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NIKKI785 1/29/2011 4:15PM

    Your self-awareness of what is going on with you is huge. Just because it is happening and just because you didn't reach your goal DOES NOT mean you failed at anything! You do such a wonderful job of recognizing what is happening and doing the small things it takes to pull yourself back to "normal" (quotes because you and I both know there is no real normal for us!) Keep taking the baby steps and get that rabbit out of the hole.

Love you and miss you....and remember, we're not crazy, we're just a little unwell!


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RAINBOWFALLS 1/29/2011 8:22AM

    I think it is so great that you are aware and trying to make small changes. I have felt like I'm in a bit of a rut with the dark days of winter still upon us. I agree that exercise would make me feel better, but some days I talk myself right out of it - it seems like to much of an effort. I am starting by making small goals again. Don't beat yourself up - you are making better choices - maybe not all but that is better than none.

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8pounds in 15 days??

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

So to meet my challenge I have 15 days left to lose 8 pounds. I'm starting to worry. I need to get my tush off the chair and working out. I'm just not motivated enough to get up lately. My depression has gotten bad again and I know full well that exercise will help with that as well as shrinking my waistline.
So I have to lose 1/2 a pound a day to meet this to do it?? Definitely exercise, drink water, NO sugar NO carbs(except my oatmeal w/pro powder) LOTS of protein. I can do this it will be challenging but I can make it fun.
If I don't make it I will "forfeit" 2 days of computer time.
If I do make it I get to wear my skinny jeans again!!!!! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BILLIEB1120 1/27/2011 3:42PM

    oh i know it lol I was trying to give myself a pep talk to keep going! I know its unrealistic and screwed up in the beginning it was orginally a month long challenge to lose 10pounds and I wasted time!
And I don't count fruits and veggies as carbs. They are a huge part of my diet(and by diet I mean it in the technical defenition of daily eating pattern).

Comment edited on: 1/27/2011 3:43:46 PM

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YOUNGNSMYLIE 1/27/2011 9:33AM

    That's a big goal! It's great that you are going to shoot for 4lbs a week. I'm sort of in the same boat, as I have 10 lbs left to lose. However, even staying in my ranges and exercising the required amount, it's taken me 3 weeks to lose 5 lbs. If you need to give yourself more time to lose those 8lbs, but in the process you get to eat a more appealing, well-rounded diet, than so be it, right? The most important thing is that the changes we make in order to lose weight are ones that we can stick with forever! Good luck! emoticon

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RAINBOWFALLS 1/27/2011 8:50AM

    I hope you are not to disappointed if you don't reach your goal - that is a lot of weight in too short a time. 1 - 2 pounds a week is a better goal.

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SKYWATCHERRS 1/26/2011 12:48PM

    I think you're setting an unrealistic goal. If you have less to lose, the harder and slower it is because you're fighting against your body's survival instinct. Your body is still wired like a caveman. IT wants to keep a certain amount of fat in order to guard against potential illness or crisis where you don't have enough food. Trying to get the body to release that fat is hard and slow work. It can be done, but it takes time. You'd more realistically reach a goal of losing half a pound of fat a week, and that could be done only if you are combining your calorie deficit with high intensity strength training, cardio training.

Your body needs carbohydrate in order to function correctly and in order to exercise. If you want to go "low-carb", just cut white rice, white bread, white sugar, and white pasta, and anything with white flour in it. Your body needs the carbohydrates in vegetables, fruit, whole grains (like your oatmeal). Your body also needs good fats and lean protein.

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Making a fresh start

Monday, January 24, 2011

Today is protein day 1 nothing but protein all day. Hoping to break my sugar addiction. Dying for a soda diet or otherwise! Have to go to the store for some staples and know I will be highly tempted to give in and get one. So far food wise I am full to the gills after ham and scrambled eggs with cheese for breakfast. Planning a chipotle roast for dinner. Now I just have to get motivated to do the rest of my to do list for the day! I am hoping to get 3 protein days in then add the fruit and veggies back. I seriously need to get off the fast food and sugars. I have gained 7% body fat since I started eating out on a daily basis. Plus my sugar cravings have skyrocketed! I have 8 more pounds to lose to reach my goal of 10 pounds lost by valentines day. That is roughly 2 pounds a week which is completely possible with a few tweaks!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BILLIEB1120 1/26/2011 12:36PM

    it always works for me. i made it until dinner then my son wanted mashed pots w/the roast and i had 2 bites of that and 2 bites of applesauce. then i got to my boyfriends and he had brought food home from work and hey who am I to refuse good greek food??? It did help though I'm not craving sugar as much and yesterday when I sipped sweet tea all day instead of my water I had the day before I was miserable (emotion wise)and my skin was terrible...I think I might be on to something LOL

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RAINBOWFALLS 1/24/2011 2:30PM

    emoticon I'm having awful sugar cravings too. Maybe I should try this.

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