Thursday, May 08, 2008
My Coffee and Me.... A True Addict from a Chronically Depressed BBM
I made a challenge to myself and my friends on the 50 Plus For All Team that I would cut back one more cup of my morning coffee. This may not seem like much of a challenge to anyone who doesn't know me but I used to live on my coffee. Eight, 10, 12 cups a day; each with 2 1/2 spoons of sugar and a heaping tsp. of Coffee Mate and not the low-fat kind, either.
Drink coffee, smoke cigarettes and be active in the yard & house has always kept me fairly thin. Ten pound gain during the winters always came off easily once Spring came. If all I did was drink coffee all day, have a snack meal around 3:00 and dinner about 7 or 8 and I seldom ate much anyway, why did I put on all this weight in the last 2 years? I was active eNUFF! My motto used to be: "Don't deny yourself the foods you love because you may die tomorrow and you should have enjoyed it while you had the chance."
I joined SP 76 days ago. One of the first things I learned about was starvation mode and how bad refined sugar is for your body. I used to go through a 4# bag of sugar a week, panic when I didn't have a spare bag in the cupboard and had axiety attacks when I was nearly out and had forgotten to to go to the store.
Week One of SP, one of my goals was to drop down to just 3 cups per day and instead of coffee, I'd actually eat food during the day. Now, the only foods I like are full of fattening, high calorie carbs (chips & salsa? pizza rolls? natchos? Cocoa Puffs? These things are BAD for you?) and to eat a piece of fruit was disgusting and the only vegies I ever eat come out of a can & they'd better be corn, green beans or hominy. Forget all those nasty rotten weed looking things and mushy peas.
To the store I go. Bought tangerines, mandarines, green seedless grapes, a canteloupe, salad lettuce, cauliflower & broccoli. Cut my coffee intake from 3 cups a day down to two after one week. Exercised to Zumba dvd's, ST dvd's, walked the neighborhood and even to the store a mile away a few times and took my dog for walks. Read labels and logged my food & exercise faithfully after eating or working out. I talked to ppl here all day everyday. I had friends. I had someone to talk to. People talked back to me. I gave advice and received it. I was jubilant and motivated all day long to keep my calories within my range, actually started eating a little something for breakfast, and ate every 2 hours after that and actually began to even like water. I was here on the computer for several hours every day to grab all the sparkpoints possible in a day, write 30+ emails but read closer to 75, and have not had a bad funk for a long, long time because my friends here kept me pumped.
Then I made the challenge. Drop myself down to just one cup of coffee per day. I wrote it. You all encouraged me. I have spiraled down ever since.
Day 1 .... Drank one cup and ate something about every hour to control the hunger pangs.
Day 2 .... Drank one cup, ate every hour or less, started to have feelings of anger
Day 3 .... Drank one cup. Started to eat my mandarine for breakfast, said to hell with this and got another cup of coffee. Then a 3rd, then a 4th and ended up drinking 6 cups and was literally sick to my stomach the rest of the night. I didn't eat any fruit. I didn't eat any vegies. I ate chips... and more chips... and then went to the store and bought another bag. The kind I love.... the kind with sour cream & onion flavoring all over them and I ate the bag... the entire thing and said just screw the logging of my food. Screw the exercise. I'm not doing it. I'm eating what I want and am not going to count out 12 chips & stop because I- WANT- IT- ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Day 4-6 .... Drank all the coffee I wanted all day and didn't work out one lick. Was busy outside and being in the sun planting flowers makes me happy plus I had someone here to BE with all day long...plus I had my coffee back! I got so much done!
Day 7 .... Cloudy and rainy all day... nothing to do but sit here & watch TV with Robin on his last day of vacation. He's reading the newspaper and it takes him hours if he works the crossword & brain games. So I get my laptop. Haven't logged in to SP for several days and I'm missing my friends and needed someone to perk me up. My mood was as gray as the sky. I'm still angry at every thing and every one. Can't put my finger on the 'why'... just that I 'am'. HE makes a snide comment about how much time I spend on the computer any more. I guess he thinks I'm ignoring him but I seldom log on while he's here at night but he was home all day for nearly a week and my routine had gotten all messed up and I had over 200 emails to read & respond to. And, HE wasn't talking to me anyway... HE had his nose in the paper. SO, the anger took over & I slammed the box shut. It was not a good night.
8 (present day) Cloudy again today. They said the sun was going to shine. Guess they meant somewhere else. I'm still angry. Yes, I am taking my Zoloft, but it hasn't worked since I forgot to those 4 days 2 weeks ago.
I'm alone again and first thing after taking Robin to work at 6:15 was to get on here and try to get back on track, talking to my friends, greeting newbies, grabbing sparkpoints.... needing to get back in the groove.
The spunk is gone. I'm in a funk. Drank 3 cups of coffee already and the thought of food makes me want to puke. I got caught up on my bikini bootcamp videos but that didn't help my mood. I hate it and am forcing myself to do it. I just hate exercise, period. Don't we all? I tried to write some positive emails/posts but the cheerier I tried to sound, the more down I got because I just wasn't feeling it. SP, in an inspirational email yesterday said to pump yourself up, you need to pump up someone else. To motivate yourself, you need to motivate someone else. To inspire yourself, you need to inspire someone else. It feels good helping other ppl and the more you help, the better you'll feel.
It didn't work. Encouraging words from my friends didn't help. No one can do anything for me when I can't do for myself. I have to make up my own mind that I want this for myself and until I can do that again I can't be active in the threads. My bubble has burst and I need to find a way to blow it up again. Has the newness worn off like it did with myspace? I go gung ho and then fall off a cliff when my expectations exceed reality? I've lost a measly 13 pounds in 76 days & have 20 more to go b4 June 1st... my target date... and I don't see that happening at this rate until the end of summer... long past the time of wearing a bathing suit in the pool. I don't want to go back to the way I was but I don't want to do what I need to do to get where I want to be, either! I don't want to eat. I don't want to drink water. I don't want to exercise. The pressure of having so much that I need to do, besides the stuff here on SP, is building to anxiety levels and I feel like I've lost all control. So, do I hit POST now or DELETE?
Sunday, April 27, 2008
4/26: Went to a bbq and hubby forced me to eat a potato chip... knowing full well I hadn't had a single one for 67 days. Well, one turned into another, then another, then another... no matter how hard I visualized, tapped, self-hypnotized, chastized... I could NOT keep my hand out of that bag. After 5 chips I did look at the bag to see how many calories were in it... per ounce.. @12 chips per ounce. 12!!!!!!!! That's IT??????? 12 thin little chips with all those calories? CRS forbids me to divulge the actual number but let me tell you, it's a LOT. Did THAT even keep my hand from reaching in the bag searching for the LARGEST chip so I wouldn't be deprived of having to count a small chip in my conscious count to 12? Would I deprive myself smaller portions of that sweet... potatoey.... salty.... taste any less than I had to?
I was out of control. My will power had deserted me. My brain shut down and refused to think. My hand reached out with no conscious effort... I didn't even realize that I was doing it until that little angel-gwen on my right shoulder knocked me in the head saying "WAKE UP STUPID!" but then the little devil-gwen on my left zapped the little angel and knocked her unconscious and as the chip hit my lips, my taste buds were screaming with joy and delight.... there was no stopping it now.
One by one, one after another, over and over... the chips filed in... always marching in single file... always facing a slow, agonizing, delightful death. With each bite my angel-gwen was screaming but the devil-gwen had taken over and........ won.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Ok.....let me tell you about MY walk today. So, I decided that Mia and I were going to go check out the park. She's walking next to me so pretty, stopping when I stop, sitting next to me with much straighter sits and heeling when I said for her to and I only had to correct her with a turn around when other dogs barked at her from their yards.
For those of you who don't know.... I'm in the 3rd week of obedience training with our 2 year old Akita, Mia. Week One was all about getting her to watch me when we walk. Dogs who've never been walked or taught to walk will lunge at the end of the leash and this is unacceptable to me. When she gets to the end of her 20' leash, I'm already on my way the opposite direction so when she gets to the end, it's going to knock her on her ass! I just keep walking like I didn't see anything. To honor her dignity, she'll walk by me for a few steps and take off again so about turn I go and again she gets knocked on her ass! She's only going to put up with this crap for a few times and think she'd BETTER start watching me because she never knows when I'm going to do something stupid like turn around and go the other way!
Week Two is polishing the walk going from a 20' lead to a 6' lead. Her head is not to be any further in front of me than her ears even with my left knee.... any further than that, I do a hard left turn knocking my right knee smack in to the side of her head. Don't you know she's only had to be corrected for that a few times? lol She lunges out front? Fast about turn. Strays too far to the left? I do a hard right turn. So don't you know it's quite a work-out for me! Don't you know! lol
Week Three is heel when I say so & take off on my left foot, stop when I stop and sit when I stop. She has just learned to sit without treats by me pushing down on her hips with my 1st 3 fingers and thumb of my left hand while gently pulling straight up on her choker. Her sits were real crooked at first but they are looking better & better every time we train! I'll keep you all updated on her progress as we go if you want. It's an 8 week course and I've trained 7 dogs this way and Max, our sweet heart Dobie now gone... I could put him in a sit stay down the street at the corner, walk back to the house, get a cup of coffee, smoke a cigarette and he'd still be sitting down there when I got back! It was awesome!
Back to my story....
We're walking along and damn if we didn't run out of sidewalk. Shouldn't all city streets have sidewalks by now? It's 2008 for crying out loud! We were coming up on the hiking trail that leads to the park and I saw that it was busy with ppl so I reigned her in tight next to me. I know she could feel the tension building up inside me because she started to get a little antsy too the closer we came to the walkers & bikers. We turned left on to the trail and she was ok with the ppl & bikers but then... omg! THEN... here comes these 2 BostonTerriers on those stretch out kind of leashes with their ppl not paying any attention to their muts heading straight for Mia! I stopped as far to the right as I could get, knelt down beside her with my arm around her back (like I'm going to hold onto a 65 lb dog!) and told those ppl that she's never been down here b4 and I'm not sure how she's going to act! Huh??????? These people just smiled and acted like I didn't say anything! These dogs are lunging at the ends of their lines and I'm holding Mia back who was desperately trying to get at these dogs and they just kept their pace not doing anything and walked on by like nothing was happening here! Like, how many more indications could I give these ppl to reign in their damn dogs until they got by us? Geeeeeeeezzzzzzzz!
So, I knew in the back of my mind that it was going to happen but it only came to light in slow motion as I started to go down. If I had been standing up I could have held her by running the opposite direction and knocking her on her ass b4 she knocked me on mine but, as it was I was still kneeling on the ground trying to hold her so my balance was off and when the dogs got passed us she decided she was going with them and at full power she took off and I ended up on my butt, nearly being dragged, rolling me over onto my back, her leash tangled all around my arm, she broke my glasses and when she got to the end of her lead and it about jerked her head off she realized that I was still in charge and came back to me! Don't you EVEN freaking laugh at me!
Now I was scared to death (well, kinda but not really... you know what I mean....) to walk any further on the trail and I wasn't about to walk on a busy street by myself, which is the only other option of getting to the park from here, with no side walks let alone with Mia so, we turned around and went on home. The walk back was pretty uneventful... we had to stop and have a water break half way back. You don't realize how steep that hill is in a car but walking it was near murder! It is straight down on the way TO the park and damn straight UP on the way back! We were both too wore out to bother about stupid barking dogs. We would just be happy to make it back home at all! I'm surprised I didn't have a freaking heart attack as fast as my heart was beating and we were going slow! Our entire walk down & back lasted 1 hour, 10 minutes. Wow. JUST to the PARK!
Friday, March 07, 2008
Welp, it's week #2 with SP, I have my new scale and I can't stay off of it! 153.8 pounds... how exciting! I have never cared what I weighed... I've always carried a lot of muscle and have always weighed more than I look... always went by how my clothes fit, not what a scale says. I also don't go to doctors much but was having some problems last summer and when I got on her scale and I weighed what I did when I was pregnant, I was shocked. OMG! 160 pounds! We all know their scales weigh higher than everyone else's but 160 POUNDS? No way! I made her do it twice to make sure!
I have always eaten whatever I wanted, too. So to even think about 'diet' was so depressing. I had become a statistic... 40% of American's were over-weight and now I was too. I just put my sweats on and thought well, now I look like the rest of my family... it's in my genes.
So, what is helping me here? Is it the Zoloft I take every morning? Have I finally found my magic pill after trying every anti-depressant on the market? Is it the hypnosis tapes I listen to that helps me to eat just half of what I normally eat? Or is it SPARKPEOPLE that has made me realize that what I put in my mouth is making me FAT? Or, maybe a combination of all 3? I don't know but whatever it is, it's working!
My past daily schedule: drink coffee with cream & sugar all day until around 3 when I pigged out of chips, salsa or pizza rolls. Snack until dinner time and eat several cookies and 2-3 pepsi's during the evening.
My schedule NOW: drink just 3 cups of coffee all morning, savoring every sip... I just cannot stomach food in the mornings so breakfast is out for me. Lunch is my breakfast around 1... actual lunch is around 4 and we eat dinner around 7/8:00. Pistachio's are the only snack I allow myself at night and I count out my 1 ounce of 47 kernals and snack on them throughout the evening. I am never hungry! I have to force myself to eat to get enough calories! Look at my log for yesterday and you will see that I didn't eat much during the day but had a good dinner last night and didn't even eat it all!
So, week 2 of my "diet" and I have lost 4.199999999 lbs... woohoo!
I can't wait to go back to my doc in April and get on her scale!
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