Monday, September 17, 2007
So what is it about pizza and beer that triggers a new blog? I'm beginning to see a pattern emerge. Perhaps this is my attempt to hold myself accountable for bad choices? Um.. probably not. Needless to say, had another pizza and beer night last night. However, I did manage to get in some badminton after dinner so hopefully that burned some of the calories. It should have anyway, I was wheezing and sweating somethin fierce. I love that I can post in this planner and not share the entry on my blog. After reviewing some prior posts I am almost certain that I have issues with rage. Today for example, I am very frustrated with my supervisor as well as with a particular pilot (glorified cabbie if you ask me). Now if you were privy to the entry detailing my frustration, you would almost certainly agree that I have issues with rage. Moving along now...I'm going to go nuke my left over spaghetti. Hopefully my little blue pill will negate the 85% fat ground beef I used.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Oh geez... I'm getting a little worried. I took alli for the first time today with lunch. I didn't bring my lunch today so I decided to grab a ham and swiss on ciabatta from Freddie's. It looked healthy... it wasn't dripping in dressing or anything. So, after popping my little blue pill and scarfing down the sammich in its entirety I decided to plug it into my nutrition tracker. Needless to say, I'm deeply disturbed. Something resembling what I had for lunch on the Schlotzky's menu had about 30 grams of fat in it. According to my little bottle, in order to avoid "treatment effects" I should not exceed 15 grams of fat in a meal. The suspense is killing me. I've never listened to my body quite this intently before. I will refrain from defining treatment effects since my fat pen-pal doesn't really exist and I already know the definition. This morning was a toughy too. Last night we went out for half price apps and beer. I always wake up starving after a late fattening dinner. I wonder why? Is it that evolutionary "store fat when in abundance" mechanism? Does that even exist? I dunno. All I know is that I had a vita muffin and a nutrigrain bar before 10 this morning and it took everything in my being not to mow on pop tarts until lunch time. I made it though and I'm feeling better now. Man when I'm in a stumble I'm in a "fall on your face" kinda stumble. I'm trying to refocus my energy and regain some motivation. The constant self loathing is still there so I'm trying not to exert any added energy to that aspect of my weight loss attemp. Speaking of self-loathing. I was happily sipping my beer at the bar last night when, out of nowhere, a group of early twenty-somethings sat down on the other side. I was instantly self-conscious. Why did their boobs have to be so perfect? Why did they have to have perfect bodies?... and complexions?... and teethe?... and hair? And why did I have to be out with my man when I witnessed this freak-show of unfairness? C'mon God, spread the wealth. Not that I'm not grateful for all the gifts in my life, it's just that, at times like those, you forget you have any gifts, and the gifts that are still recognizable are somehow no longer as fabulous as once thought. Ok Ok, I'm ready to start taking myself more seriously. At least I'm ready to get ready. Wish me luck fat pen-pal!
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
This little piggy went to town on apple beer and cowboy pizza last night. It wasn't a part of my plan. My man and I were having such a good night and we always have so much fun on a beer and pizza night. Why, oh why? I polished off a growler and three slices. Oh yea, how could I forget the pistachios, cheese and crackers I had for a PRE-dinner snack? Why do these tasty indulgences seem so integral to my happiness? I know, even as I type the words, that the opposite is also true. I get so much joy from food, I also get so much heartache! It's like having a one night stand with a stranger. It feels so damn good when your in the throws ... and then... the next morning... you face yourself in the mirror, only to find a dirty little tramp staring back at you! The satisfaction is so fleeting and so easily replaced with guilt. I haven't logged my food from last night yet, but I will... I promise.. I think? I'll do better today.. I've started out with oatmeal and a Latte. I concede the latte probably wasn't the best choice to start offf a post-binge day. I like to use the "core" system when it comes to Latte's... "don't forget your dairy, it's part of the 8 GHG's." Adios Amigos.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
So today I was out in the shop heating up my healthy request chicken noodle soup when I spied a half eaten piece of toast smothered in peanut butter. It was on a co-workers desk. I immediately wondered what mechanism in his brain kept him from scarfing the whole thing down. He had left for lunch and it was just sitting there... alone. I don't leave half eaten food, of any kind, ever. I must eat every last crumb. I even obsess about how little I have left after each bite. How do we re-wire this kind of behavior? I would like nothing more. Well except for world peace and the health and happiness of all those I love. Anywho, when I'm trying to lose weight I am consumed with thoughts of food. When I'm maintaining or gaining I am consumed with thoughts of food. I take a different spin on food in the varying scenarios but food is always at the forefront of my mind. It seems this relationship is garnering way too much of my attention. How do you break-up with food? I love it so. A perfect night for me is curling up with a veggie pizza and an apple beer to watch a flick... or Grey's Anatomy. Don't be thrown by "veggie" pizza, I go all out with white sauce and cheese, and generally gorge myself on about a pound or two. Why do I always feel as if I'm writing to a fat pen-pal somewhere when I'm journaling? I guess I'm not comfortable enough in my own skin to speak directly to myself. Obviously my pen-pal could never be skinny because he/she would never understand my plight. Time to get back to work. I'm also distracted because there's a brown banana in my lunch bag calling my name. See what I mean? The food doesn't even have to be appetizing to be obsess worthy.
Monday, August 06, 2007
I was looking everywhere for this journaling page. Duh.. it's under the planner section. Now if only I can find my way back when I'm ready to do this again. Truth is... I'm not really in the mood to "journal" but it beats the hell out of working. The monotony is killing me! So.. my tubby ass got on the scale this morning at a whopping 167. I keep telling myself it's just water weight. Journaling is so much easier for me in this type of venue. I type much faster than I write so keeping an electronic journal is the natural choice. I was always so worried someone would find my little "secret" file though. Not that my man is so computer savvy, more like I would die in a freak accident and everyone I know would get to know the real me only after I was unable to defend myself. So here I am... totally anonymous. That's so my style. I'm still insecure about high school classmates.. they could find out I'm..... A YO-YO DIETER WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM.. AAAHHHH!!! That is so pathetic. No really, how does one have perpetually low self esteem? Mine varies from day to day. Some days I feel I'm smokin hot others I feel like the elephant man. When it comes to school I smoke the competition in the brains department, yet I couldn't debate an issue with a stranger if my life depended on it. I feel as if I'm too stupid and that I'll make a fool of myself. Even now there is no way, even anonymously I would post this entry... and give my screen name a bad name? I am the picture of security in the faceless world of fake names and message boards. So, so far today I have not gorged myself on pop tarts or doughnuts. Yay me! I have had two balanced meals. The first, consisted of instant oatmeal and a banana. The second, was poached chicken breast with string beans. Ah the picture of health. For the remainder of the work day I will obsess about what to have for dinner.
Can't I just get all the fat sucked out? This is so damn daunting and a game I've been playing for YEARS now. I still haven't worn a tank top in public.....ever. Damn me!! I know this is my fault, I was about to have a pity party for myself .. ya know, poooor meee I've been so good for soooo looong. Fact is, I'm fat because I eat like a fat person. I'm fat because I don't move like a fat person doesn't move! Ok I'm moving on now. I will be back tomorrow, I can already feel a massive self-depricating entry coming on.
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