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Routine, the Metronome of of daily life.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The last year and a half has left me wandering, struggling with how to get to my goals? I have goals they were easy to set. 1) Get back to 135 pounds 2) Get Fit 3) Get Healthy.

March of 2011 saw me thrust into the role of primary caregiver for my Mother In Law. Who by the way had no love or fond feelings for me. I knew that everyday I cared for her up to the hours before she died she resented that I was the one to care for her.
I gave up a modeling career when I became her caregiver. But every day I met the day with a smile I knew what I had to do for this woman, who gave me the gift of my loving husband, during her last months of life. We had a routine one that had to be followed to keep her comfortable and give her as much life possible.

Before this new role, while I was working as a model, I had a strict routine. One that kept me on track with my eating, exercising, health and fitness. This routine put me on a few calendars, I had won a modeling competition against 20 and 30 somethings, did I mention I am 53? I knew routine and what it could do for me. By way of routine before I started modeling I was able to lose 73 pounds. I was able to look 30 again, I found my way to happy and healthy.

So what has been so different this past 18 months since my Mother in Law has passed away? As I said I have the goals, I have the desire, I have the motivation (tons of new clothes, shoes and gorgeous designer swimwear packed away in drawers and suitcases. All waiting for me to lose the weight and get back in them LOL). So what has been missing? How was I successful before and now I am wandering? Then this morning it hit me ROUTINE.

It is ROUTINE that sets the tempo for what we do in our daily life. Without it we wander through the day hit and miss and feel like we have accomplished nothing. I hear several of you saying “Routine is so boring” Whether you wish to acknowledge it or not routine is a very necessary part of daily living. Health studies prove that setting a routine time for going to bed and getting up makes a ton of difference in your overall physical and mental health. A routine exercise program can really help to shed those pounds, improve your attitude, boost your physical health. Routine meals times help with weight loss, attitude, energy and quality of sleep.

Routine is not a dirty word, Routine need NOT be viewed as boring but as beneficial.

I thought that therapy would help. I thought that setting new goals would make all the difference in the world. People had told me that all I had been through I was no longer the same person so I reasoned I must need new goals. I thought I needed to change who I was, I needed a fresh start (many of you may have known me here as Mobaygirl). It's funny but none of that worked it was as if I was running from who I was by working to reinvent myself. Which I don't have to tell any of you didn't work and just made me more frustrated and depressed.

Then today as I was going through some familiar motions of my life that it was ROUTINE that has been missing from my life. ROUTINE which I will embrace and let it set the pace of my daily life and drive me to reach my goals.


Having a HARD time finding anyhting I like about me.

Saturday, September 01, 2012

Those who know me know the trials and troubles I have had the last 2 years. I am no longer who I was 2 years ago and just about EVERYTHING in my life has changed during that time.

I spent time in therapy but got to where I could no longer face going to the sessions and digging up all that hurt and frustration I had worked so hard to bury. My family Dr. put me on antidepressents but I hate the person they made me. There is a reason they are nick named F@#K it all. So I am NOT taking those.

This last couple of weeks have been hard as the meeting between me and my exfriend of 21 years was suppose to happen. I was to drive 400+ miles down to see her and we were going to see if we couldn't save some of the past 21 years. I noticed 3 weeks before we were to meet her daughter posted on FB that her mother was going to be flying over to see her and it was the same weekend she and I were to get together. SO I wait for an email telling me we were going to have to do it some other time and one finally comes 2 weeks later, 1 week before I was to go down. I am happy she is going to see her daughter it has been 2 years since they were last together but when I reply and tell her that and make an offer to reschedule to a location where we can meet 1/2 way I get no reply. emoticon My daughter and I go anyway because we have both scheduled hair appointments with our favorite stylist there and I also have a wonderful facial expert there. I drop my daughter off with the hair stylist and I go to my facial which was a little bumpy but I chalk it up to the salon being busy. The facial itself was wonderful even if she had to keep turning up the New age music to cover the loud noise outside the facial room. I then go to my hair appointment and my daughters hair has been colored and she is now getting her haircut and I am informed the stylist is very ill and will finish up my daughters hair but will not be able to do mine. That's ok I get it she is ill but what bothers me is there is no offer to reschedule. SO when my daughter is finished we pack up and make the 400+ mile back home.

I am really confused by all these events and am having a hard time reconciling them all. Then on Monday my daughter tells me that so much of this is happening because my friends can't stand to see me so unhappy and that if I'd just find something to be happy about people would want to be around me again. Believe me this is quite possibly the LAST thing I needed to hear and I am really struggling with all this.

I can't find anything I like about me anymore. I guess it is no surprise that anyone else can either. I have got to figure my way out of this downward spiral because no one is going to do it for me.

I am thankful for the supportive positive online friends I have and really wish my Bestest Friend didn't live almost 3,000 miles away. I know I have to take this one day at a time, try to find 1 thing I can feel positive about daily and take baby steps but it is so very hard.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CICI510 9/7/2012 4:56PM

    I have struggled with depression all my life and totally sympathize with you. Focusing on my faith has really helped me begin to see myself in a different light. I am nowhere where I want to be mentally but like you said-baby steps!! :) You know I am here for you sweetie 110% so if you ever need anything do not hesitate to ask. emoticon

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    I wonder if the therapist brought some things close to the surface and then you didn't finish working through the process of dealing with them. Having been through therapy, I know it is difficult. It took me almost 5 years to deal with my baggage, and some days were way worse than others. Maybe you should go back and get her to help you find resolution. You were happy with her at first -- let her continue to lead you through this process.

You are a wonderful, warm, caring person. You have friends and family who care deeply about you. I don't think you are that negative or hard to be around at all.

I do think you need to find something in your life you really enjoy doing. You love the photography, but it doesn't seem to challenge you enough anymore. Is there a course at the local college that you could get into? I know I'd love to take a ceramics/pottery class sometime. I'd love to take some more creative writing classes. Every the course catalog from tech comes in the mail, there are so many things I'd like to try if only I had more time. It's hard to get out of the house and go among a bunch of strangers alone for that kind of thing, but I think you'd get some satisfaction out of it. It's great to share hobbies with our significant others, but we also need something to do that is all ours.

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MNJONES2 9/1/2012 1:06PM

    I agree you need to see the Dr about your depression and perhaps another medication would help.

I would also like to suggest that within your schedule do you have time to volunteer? For example at the school's football games or other events -- can you take tickets or do some small job? Is there a food bank in the area? - they always need help.

By trying a new activity or group perhaps you can make some new friends who are closer. It wont make up for the friendship that has changed but maybe it is time to just move on.

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DIBANANA 9/1/2012 12:40PM

  I'm definitely not a therapist. But, looking at what you have been through I am very impressed. You should know that you have given your husband a wonderful gift by taking care of his mother. I saw your post on how much you love him. You must to have taken on the care of his mother. The fact that she didn't like you even more so.

I don't know who you used to be but you have gone through a lot. You have spent a good deal of your life in a very difficult place.

Now I would love to see you say to yourself that it took a special person to do what you did. Sometimes people just don't like us. I look at them and think they are missing out! You should too! You know deep in your heart the kind of person you are.

Do you have a history of depression or was this only after this event? If your doctor is not connecting with you get another! You deserve a happy life.

I hope your DH is supportive.

Good luck


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AZMOMXTWO 9/1/2012 12:26PM

  please take time to see a Dr about depression It can be very hard to deal with and others do not like us when we are in that cycle

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A Year Has Passed-A Time to Purge

Saturday, July 28, 2012

One year ago my MIL passed away. The night time hours leading up to her passing were the most harrowing of my life. My MIL had been very ill for some time and I found myself thrust into the role of a primary caregiver to a woman for whatever reason had an incredible dislike for me. She had been a smoker all her life and had COPD. She had been placed on full time oxygen therapy and still smoked. My husband and I have a commuter condo where we live most of the time and a home 61 miles away on the beautiful Puget Sound. I moved out of my condo and back into our home to care for her. I gave up my car so I would have a vehicle to carry her and whatever else might be needed. I gave up my exercise program, gave up my career basically gave up me. During this time the family was more than happy to armchair quarterback and tell me what I was doing wrong and what I SHOULD be doing. None of them were willing to come take a shift, to come and care for her themselves. I slept during this 6 month period in 90 minute increments. If she wasn't needing me for something there was all the usual day to day chores that had to be done as well as a couple of pets to care for.
After her passing it fell on my shoulders to handle all her affairs and to distribute what possessions she had left. Then the day came for me to try to pick up the pieces of my life and to go on. Funny thing is my life had changed a great deal. I went through things during those past 9 months that had changed me. I was no longer the happy active middle aged woman I was. I was now an exhausted, defeated, weary, lost individual. I felt like I had no direction and was left in a fog. I was 40 pounds heavier and no longer able to fit into my clothes and no longer felt any motivation. I know that people go through these types of situation and come out the other side, they are survivors. I don't feel like I really belong to that club. Is it that I am not as strong as others? Was it because I was caring for someone who , for lack of a better word, had a hatred for me?

During this last year I threw myself into renovating, remodeling and redecorating the lower area of my home where the 9 life changing months occurred. I moved back into my commuter condo and spent a few months in therapy. Everyone has told me that after this day things will really start to look up that I will be able to shake the last of the fog and move forward.

I still don't feel very strong but I have taken steps to begin anew again. Many of you knew me as Mobaygirl. I feel I am no longer that person. I am now and will always be BigDogsGurl, a nod to my best friend, the love of my life, my husband. Here's to moving forward, getting stronger, healthier and finding myself once again.