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Fresh Starts

Sunday, March 31, 2013

So, I am kind of like the friend that disappears and comes back and wants to pick up right where we left off, right? Well, I come back to the Spark, humbled, shamed and embarrassed. Here is where i have been since December and really before that.

I have been on the "shame spiral", we all know what it is. Try, fail, eat, re-commit, try, fail, get the point. I have gained ten pounds in three months, which truthfully, is not as bad as i would have guessed.

I have had to kill commitments like the walk for babies, the ADA ride for a cure, because I can't even w3alk a quarter of a mile today without hurting and breathing. That is the embarrassment.

The shame is that I thought it was OK, and I am humbled that my wife still loves me even though i am not a big fan of myself right now.

So, instead of just recommitting, I am going to try hard to use the tools that worked for me on my first trip from 380 to 245, except this time, i am ahead because I am at 350 and don't need to take the 30-60 days to "figure it out" like a lot of us do. i know what it takes:

So, if it is not too much to ask, please forgive me and allow me to be your friend again.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TLG71567 3/31/2013 4:25PM

    Weight loss has to be a lifestyle change if it is going to work. I have finally figured that out. Shame and guilt don't help us. They just make us feel bad. Get back on track and keep working on making those small permanent changes that you can live with. emoticon

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Saturday, December 01, 2012

Ah, here it is, my least favorite month - followed closely by February. At least we get them out of the way. I am a fall kind of guy, not a winter guy. Not becasue of the cold, LOVE the cold, it is just the grey. The winter is grey (not always, one of my favorite scenes is a beautiful Utah morning camping and seeing a bright blue sky in contrast to the white blanket of damonds the snow had become), but generally, it is Grey - especially in the sparkly town of Vegas. I like the autumnal palette of colors...but I digress.

So, my friends, you all know I have been mentaly struggling with my esteem, my goals, etc. Perhaps I have been to lofty, but i still ama firm beliver that you have to dream big to make big changes. BUT for December, I am going to slow it down. I have the Tour De Cure ride coming up in April, and I have a mental commitment to weigh 250 pounds for that, so I do have some agressive weight loss goals....but here we are, with out much fanfare.

1. Lose between 12-15 pounds
2. Stay to a 90% Paleo diet
3. Take the kids to the park at least twice to play (it gets cold here too)
4. Go to Utah once at least
5. Spend 150 minutes weekly on the bike
6. Get three circuit (2 circuits at least) of resisitance training in each week
7. Spark for 31 days
8. Tell 3 people about Spark
9. Finish the Drizzt book series
10. Help other enjoy the holidays

So ten seems like a lot, but they kind of build on each other so it is OK (for example, I can read while riding the stationary bike in Utah).

So, happy December 1st, mahalo.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PARKERB2 12/1/2012 2:26PM

    Happy December to you too,. emoticon

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Monday, November 26, 2012

Physically, mentally and emotionally - I am ready to Spark. My last post kind of laid out my soul bare, but I needed to fix some things that were broken emotionally, and I am on the right path.

So, a funny thing happened last week. I always thought that inspiration came from these far off places whee previously 300 pound folks ran their first Ironman, or John Blaze who had MS completed his, or so and so use to not be able to move without crutches, but just ran their first 5K.

I got lost in it, I wanted to inspire others and thought that from 370-250 it was my destiny. I was wrong, or so I thought. My pride got in the way a bit, and it humbled me, made me feel uloved (by myself) and so on. But last week, something happened that put it all in perspective.

I have a new role at work, I have merged two departments and they all fall under my wonderful management style now. Lucky them. I was meeting with one of the employees and his supervisor, defining new roles and I made the comment, "You will get to know me". His response was that he already did know me. I had only met him two or three times.
He went on...

"You are that executive that lost all that weight and rode your bike to work every day, not like the other managers driving their cars"

I asked how he knew that (we previously had been in two different buildings), of course he said FaceBook, but he also said this "A lot of us new, you really got us motivated that a manager here would do that, and some of us even started to lose weight".

Of course he did not mention the elephant in the room that I was back to 325 pounts, but it hit me in the heart. I had inspired others without running a marathon, without swimming the channel. I inspired them through my daily hard work in he gym and my food choices. I was embarassed and flattered in the same moment.

I looked at Hassan with shock and said, with my whole heart, lets bring that guy back. Aftre the knuckle bump, I knew I could do this. That was Wednesday of last week.

I have only been to the gym once sicne then, holidays. And it was harder than I remembered. But I remember one thing, all it takes is movement. Positive movement in all choices. you really never know who is watching, what they are going through. Maybe all someone neds is to see you put in the dang work daily, and you end up inspiring through the smallest (yet largest) of all gifts, your own hard work. And it is a gift that gives back ten fold.

I loved that moment, and was hurt. I will lose the weight. I will be down to 170 pounds again; it will probably take longer this time as my whole world has changed (new job responsabilities, wife, baby, etc) but I will continue to move in a positive direction, SURROUND myself with positive people and share. Sahre, share, share.

If you are tired of starting over, don't give up.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRENJET 11/26/2012 10:22PM

    LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE this blog!!! What an incredible moment that must have been!! You are so just never know who is watching, who needs inspiration, who believes in you, who you will touch.
Man, use this. Ride that inspiration right to the finish line. I'll be watching!

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SURVIVOR61 11/26/2012 6:12PM

    emoticon That was an Ah Ha! moment and it felt great didn't it... Well their not the only ones you have to motivate and inspire now. You have that new BABY...Dad emoticon
And please remember this time around it's not just weight loss, but a way of life, a healthy way of life and it is up to you to teach that new baby how to eat healthy too. So get mom on board with cooking healthy, make her your Spark Partner, not just your life partner.
Good Luck........... emoticon

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It isn't easy

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

I would very much like to say that since joining the Spark back in March, I have lost 70 pounds. But that would be a lie, I also would like to say I made a million dollars - but that is a lie to.

Lie, it is a funny word. People use it when they mean Lay, as in I lay down in bed; or, I lay there completely complacent and accepting of the life I am making. That is all a lie.

It is very easy to deceive ourselves or to live on past success. My light bulb got turned back on the other day by my new doctor. He walked into the room, for the first time meeting me and his first words were:

"D---, you are a big boy! I am kidding. Seriously though, you are a big boy"

Offensive? Yes, Did I already know this? Yes. did I need to hear it in order to wake myself up, stop living in the past tand move forward? YES. His oficial diagnosis was that I am, in his words, a hot mess. I am not excited to get back the blood panel, he took so much blood he is testing for everything. I know that my diabetes symptoms are back, my blood pressure too. but to hear the words is frightening.

Here are the facts / lies I have been living since March
* I lost 130 pounds since my heaviest (TRUE) / I gained back 80 (Also, TRUE) / but I know I can
do this, I have done it before, get off my \back (FALSE) - I do know what needs to be done,
but I CANNOT accomplish this alone, or without living the truth that however much weight I
had lost, I have gained over 50% of it back.

* I am a diabetic (TRUE) / But, it is ok for me to eat anything I want (FALSE), my symptoms
have gone away (FALSISH) - I am a diabetic. I will be a diabetic when I die. I need to stop
eating and living like I can hide from this disease. I need to surrender myself to whatever
will make the quality and happiness of my life longer and better

* I am happy (TRUE) in all things in my life (FALSE) - No ,you are afraid. You are afraid of a lot
of things Mike, a lot. You are afraid you cannot provide for your family, you are afraid
of losing Amanda like you have lost everyone else in your life (FALSE)

* I love working out (TRUE!!!!), so tomorrow I will just hit the gym harder (FALSE) so it is OK if
we go out to dinner (FALSE) - both healthful and financially a bad choice.

So, there it is, the lies I live with daily.

I sit here, a little more than 7 months since joining Spark, and I have gained about 20 pounds. But, I know it, and I refuse to lie to myself any longer.

Thanks for listening, I will get back on track.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRENJET 11/6/2012 6:37PM

    Hey Buddy...I heard similar words from my doc back in June. Scared me sh#$less!! My one and only motivation at that moment was my kid. I don't have a choice--I have to live to raise her, I won't trust anyone else to give her what I can. Say that to yourself when you hit the gym (TOMORROW!!) Those beautiful children on your page need you. You can do this. We will help you...but it's up to you. Just do it.
Always here for you!


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RAPUNZEL53 11/6/2012 6:23PM

  Good Luck!

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SURVIVOR61 11/6/2012 6:20PM

    Hi, you know you really shouldn't beat yourself up so much. After all we all are just human. And you just took the first step, areally big step. You admitted to lying to yourself, those around you and to Spark People. I believe emoticon . That YOU are Ready to take control of your life and your eating habits. Also, I want you to know that we forgive you and it's it's time to get on track of things. We love you and most important LOVE YOURSELF. emoticon It's time to Spark things Up emoticon

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BECKYBETZ 11/6/2012 6:09PM

    emoticon The fact that you can admit this to yourself is a step in the right direction. Little steps are the only way to get there and by recognizing these lies you are telling yourself is a HUGE start. It says you also recognize what needs to be done. I myself hate to exercise (true) and am frustrated that I haven't lost any weight in the first month (true) but I think I CAN get there if I use self discipline and correct my eating habits. Yes, a donut will sabotage you, even if it's just one. No, you shouldn't grab a handful of m&m's from the office candy dish. sigh. I wish there were a magic pill!

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A little bit of Michael

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Sometimes we forget who we are or where we are going. Sometimes we forget what is important to us and why.

I had fallen into a pit of repitition for months and months, but I am working hard to get myself out of it before it causes any issues in my own life.

I am thankful and grateful to my Sparkfriends, my family and my inspirations that have helped me to dig myself out, hose myself off and show me the mirror. I have a long journey ahead, but I am me. I am ready and I am working it.

Aloha nui loa

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRENJET 10/23/2012 7:59PM

    I am thrilled to read this blog!!! I am also grateful that you were able to hear your friends and family...often we aren't ready to hear what people have to say. You sound ready. You can do this!! The journey isn't long if you take it step by step and day by day. Don't stay away, we can't encourage you if you aren't here.

Be well, my friend!!

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