Tuesday, August 21, 2012
I've been very active online on one of Sparkpeople's sister sites, Babyfit.com, for, you guessed, TTC and pregnant ladies, since I became preggo with Squishy in the summer of '08. I met an amazing group of women on the site in the Due Date month group that I still talk to daily. I just had one family over at our house from Canada (I live at the beach!) for their vacation. We are very tight. When I became pregnant a 2nd time in 2011, I joined the Due Date club for September 2011. Again, tight bonds were formed as we discussed embarrassing pregnancy issues, fears, and experiences. I know some people may think it is strange because the net is anonymous, but there are many people who desire a genuine connection and friendship that isn't easily accessible in person these days. Many of us (probably women in particular) open ourselves up to forming those bonds online. When you are friendly enough, you want to include these people in your greater online life, as it is, the one that includes colleagues, real friends, and even blood relatives -- Facebook.
Well, that is how Nicole and I continued our friendship from Babyfit to the births of our daughters in September 2011--through Facebook. And though we were not as close as I am with others, she was great to talk with. She was always a positive voice, an inquisitive voice at that. Adelyn was her first child, and she was full of questions, concerns, all the foreign and quite scary pregnancy and birth topics that kept me up at night just two years earlier. She was happy to take the experienced mom's advice. She wanted to eat right, do the right exercise, keep her home (her body) for Adelyn in the best shape possible before she even knew her name, before anyone could call her "mom", she was a great mother.
Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year and fought a short battle. I do not know much if anything about her battle with cancer, as it wasn't something she plastered on Facebook as I plaster my petty trials with my tantrum-y three year old as statuses at least twice a week. She lost the battle on Sunday, mere weeks before her daughter's 1st birthday. Her smiling, beautiful, happy daughter will not get to bask in the love her mother lavished on her since she was conceived. It hurts. She will be missed more than she could have ever realized. That sweet, beautiful daughter will have to be very strong and very grown up all too soon. R.I.P Nicole.
Well, I was training to run the Race for the Cure in October. I am running with a corporate team for my profession, but in my heart I will be running for Nicole and Addy (may there be a cure so Addy never has to go through it) and my daughters and myself. I am more motivated than I have ever been to kick ASS. I can't quell this anger and sadness just yet, but in time, it will pass.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Gah! I knew it. I totally pulled an inner thigh muscle doing stupid Bob Harper's Weight Loss Yoga on Tuesday. First, it was a mild irritation, but on my run today I fully aggravated it or something because I am in paiiiiiin! Ice, ice baby, I know. Pissed. From now on, GENTLE yoga.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
You know how it goes: Day starts out like any other, proud that I ate a healthy, satisfying, and most important, a super deeelicious breakfast but ends with 2 slices of pepperoni, a breadstick, and a glass of Ginger Ale. OH WELL, I say, OH FREAKING WELL!
I got up this morning and was still fat, so I had to get up and keep making choices. Every meal time. And was I going to go OH BOO FREAKING HOO now I'll eat cookies and ice cream for breakfast because I'll never succeed? NO. Well, now that I have plastered the pics of myself running in the 8K (see profile photo) on the fridge as inspiration. Every time I think about eating meal or get a compulsion to eat or my mind wanders down the lane of Edible Death, I see those pics of me, bigger than I ever imagined I could physically be. For someone who is trying to HIDE from others, I sure as hell stick out. Strange paradigm, that one.
Back to being AWESOME. Okay, so I ran today even with my heartburn from pizza, I did my workout. It was only 20 minutes and after all, I SURVIVED UNMEDICATED CHILDBIRTH TWICE, so what the hell do I have to complain about 20 minutes of heartburn?
Thursday, August 16, 2012
GAH! I just ate about a cereal bowl full of Reese's Puffs straight from the box... and I regret it so much! I wish I could just turn back the clock 30 minutes and realize that I got through anxious moments WORSE than that without resorting to a futile attempt at "filling" myself up. Whatever. Lesson learned. And, that's not why I am asking, "What's wrong with me?????"
I actually had a great day today. I feel in sync and content, not obsessing over food, my body begging me to go for a jog, which I obliged with a 50 minute walk as running today is not on my C25K training plan (cross training/walk/or rest day today!). Still. I wanted it. It felt natural. It IS natural. It was so good!
On this walk I was thinking (oh, so easy to do when I am not pushing a double stroller with a cargo full of whining, yammering children!) Well, DH and I have been arguing, bickering, it always creeps up after a while, and I was thinking about all that has been said and conveyed. Everything is fine, no major disturbances mind you, just our genetically incompatible styles of communication--a constant source of irritation on both sides. But I started thinking about me, for once. A favorite old song played on my MP3 player. Emotions flooded to the surface, memories. And the wheels just started to spin on that theme: my extreme emotional sensitivity, how I've struggled in the past to shut down all triggers (like music, I never ever listen anymore because I feel hurt by it. Weird, don't know how to explain that well), how I run on emotions instead of let emotions add to my life. It's very overwhelming. It's been very overwhelming and I am so tired of it. I've been seeking the insights of a professional on this for a while and have not really hit on anything that has been the lightening rod, the A-ha Moment... until today. Yeah, Google isn't the best place to go for a psych diagnosis, but when I came home from my walk, ran over to the computer and typed in that search term, what I discovered was right-on, dead serious, why-haven't-I-figured-this-out-about-me-ye
t, RING! RING! We have a winner!
I'm not ready to talk about it yet, as I mentioned I do not have an official diagnosis, but DAMN. I have already accepted it because having that label now makes me feel like I CAN be fixed. After all, how can I change your lifestyle, my self-talk, ME without knowing what the heck is going on inside? And that gives me hope, a reason to get up and get going, and see how I can overcome, with the help of people who KNOW what they are doing, something real. I have a road map, a plan, support, maybe even a group of people who will understand??? What's wrong with me??? It ALL makes sense now.
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