Tuesday, December 27, 2011
P.S.- No knife. My husband read an article where someone died from complications. He won't allow it... that and I've lost 9 confirmed pounds on my own in the last few weeks. This will be slow, but unless there is a freak accident of some sort, Spinach and Zumba will NOT kill me. Not a chance. I got this.
I'm in a show called the Peepshow Cabaret. I've been on cast for a year now, and I used to wear corsets and cute stuff on stage, but having returned to my SW I wear Spanks and leggings and look less and less cabaret, more dance class. My best friend is the choreographer, she and her husband are the stars, and my husband are and I host and perform as well. (www.thepeepshowcabaret.com). My friend is amazzzzzing, gorgeous, uber talented. She's had three, kids, had plastic surgery and undone it, and has been a size zero, a 14, and everywhere in between. I think she hovers around a 10 now, which makes her unhappy because it's not her "comfort zone"... regardless, I think she's the hotness. But I digress. She has decided to compete in a Burlesque competition in Vegas in May! She'll know in a few weeks if she's competing, but we're going to Vegas regardless.
I went straight from high school to college, straight into grad school after a semester off. I got married this past June, never really partied... often feel like I missed out on a lot in life, though my friends in their 30's always say they envy my drive, wish they could back and do what I'm doing, etc. etc.
I'm 23, I don't have hundreds of pics from nights out with friends (or really any pics, because I hide from the camera when I do go out), our honeymoon was to Virginia to visit family (for real) and although I am this silly, outgoing, fun chick, in my social profiles look like I do a whole lot of nothing. Which besides my shows is pretty true... full time work + full time grad school = super busy all de time.
I'm stoked and terrified. From zero to Vegas, is how I look at it. I don't want to hide from the camera on this trip, I want to enjoy it with my husband, with my best friends. I want to feel lovely and sexy, and not-self conscious... hot. I wanna be hot for Vegas. I'm a tight size 20 (*sad face*) and I know I'm not going to be in a 2 in five months... or ever.
But I can be the hottest me that I can be, every day. From zero to Vegas.
*I can workout five time per week.
*I can track honestly and focus on my portions.
*I can drink 80 ounces of water per day.
*I can moisturize my skin twice a day and think about clothes for the trip when it gets hard to push through the rough spots of my workouts (Yoovie, much? hahaahhah looove that chick)
*I can accept the fact that my hair is crap now, but in five months it will be several inches longer, my bangs will be grown out, and I just have to deal with this horrible length a little bit longer.
If I do these things for the next five months, the weight will come off. I can tell myself "You are going ot lose 50lbs between now and May 30th... go!" and feel like crap when if/when it doesn't happen!
I'm going to concentrate on being the hottest me I can be, every day between now and then and beyond... but for now I'm going to to focus on five months of personal hottness training.
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Heartbroken and melancholy, I return to my safe and reliable Sparktrackers. I can't do this alone, and I'm not going to try to do so any longer.
My size 18s no longer go above my hips. I purchased one pair of size 20's and a few sweaters to get me through the holidays. I live in sweatpants and my husband's t-shirts, a lifestyle I thought I had left behind.
Is this the same girl that trained so steadily for her first 5K, that delighted in the movement of her legs, the feeling of her feet hitting the pavement? Is this the same girl that loved to cook new, healthy recipes- that packed her lunch every day? That chose such healthy options when out with friends, that hardly ever drank, that turned down candy at work... is this the same girl that WANTED to be fit so badly?
I don't recognize myself anymore. I avoid the mirror, the dressing room, cameras. We talked about having children in the near future- so many complications with obesity and pregnancy. We've decided to wait.
Grad school, full-time work... it's a lot on my plate- and I keep putting more on in the literal sense. It doesn't make sense- I know what I should do, yet I don't do it.
My MD referred me to a bariatric surgeon- I have yet to meet for the consulation. I have to prove to them that I have been obese for greater than 5 years- and I have to prove to myself that this is the option I really want to take. I know it is an excellent tool that has helped so many to be succssful in their lifelong struggles. But I've done this before! I've been here before, and I promised I'd never get here again! What happened.
I refuse to weigh myself- I only know that nothing I own fits. That walking is uncomfortable. That my legs have never rubbed together so much. I am in a prison of sorts.
I know better than to make drastic changes left and right and expect results. I cannot cut out all sugar and fat and carbs and subsist on veggies and run ten miles and do thousand pushups. I will not set myself up for failure like that.
I received an email this morning, reminding me that GNC's gold card week would be ending soon, and that marvelous specials were to be had for the holidays. I made my way there, and purchased what I consider to be a jump-start: The 14-day Total Lean kit, a two-day Pre-Diet cleanse, and an energy-focused multivitamin. I've done a similar program in the past as a teen and I've never completed one. This was a $100 investment, a gift to myself. I already have the gym membership, the DVD's, the tools. I have to put them to use.
I'm not usually somber in my blogs. I'm usually witty and excited- I'm going to get back there and I know it. But for now, I am below square one... I'm beyond my original starting point. It is hard to accept, although we I know we all backslide. I REFUSE to beat myself up. This is my body, this is my life- it is a Tuesday. I am alive, and I'm ready to truly live again.
*I need to fit back into my clothes.
*I need to lose weight so we can start a family, safely
*I need to be fit to keep up with those children when they arrive and to set an example for them as they grow
*Scrubs are only so forgiving- I am a hypocritical, fat nurse.
*I need to lose weight so my students will respect me- student teaching is only 9 months away
*I haven't been naked in front of my husband for months. We got married in June. You do the math.
These are my reasons...
What keeps you going- how do you start to build momentum? How do you remind yourself that it's worth it? Help.
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
So yummy! So yummy!
Yes... Yo Gabba Gabba has a place in an adult's Sparkblog. :)
I discovered a new favorite food this summer after trying Key Lime Pie for the first time, and vowed to keep it off my menu until my birthday in April 2012.
But TODAY I mixed my Yoplait Light Thick 'n Creamy Key Lime Pie flavored Yogurt with a 100 calorie pack of Honey Graham Cinnamon Cookie things- Holy moly! I may never need Key Lime Pie again! (Okay that's a lie... a bold-faced, ugly lie...)
A nice little piece of the good stuff would run me twice the calories and not have half the calcium and would pack in wayyyy more sugar. So I'm pretty proud of this little substitute I found. Half a graham cracker would be even cheaper and just as yummy, but I didn't have any and this was totally an 'on a whim' situation that turned out decliously. :)
Also, I'm LOVING Sparking again and working out on a regular basis. Such a rush to see the numbers go down, to reconnect with old Spark buddies. :) The Peepshow has a show this weekend and I'm really hoping my corset will fit now that I'm nearly back to pre-anti-Spark weight (about 12 more pounds to go!)
I should maybe update on why I was gone for so long. In short, life got in the way. It often does. I hurt my back moving an obese patient in May (irony?) and didn't work out again until nearly July. I had packed on 20 pounds between January and May from just being more sedentary and honestly drinking pretty frequently. My 1-2 beers per week turned into 1-2 a night to deal with stress and unwind. I felt like a deserved it. Once the back injury came into play and my doctor even told me to "take it easy" it became the greenlight for me to be lazy. It was not a greenlight to eat whatever I want without consequence, although my mind clearly took it that way. I don't know why I let myself get carried away like that... oh yeah. I have a 23-year-strong food addiction that did NOT go away with 40 lbs of weight loss- it's going to be here forever and I have to control it. You know...that old chestnut. :)
I had to go to physical therapy for a few weeks, where I lamented to my female therapist about not being able to ever acheive my marathon goals. An X-ray found that I have compression fractures throughout my spine in addition to the work-related injury. She agreed with me, saying that I should stick with the eliptical for the rest of my life and that there are always "walking marathons". I couldn't stop thinking about it though. Then I had a male therapist sub in for an afternoon where my usual trainer could not be there. He taught me some awesome tips for posture, core training, and told me that I could do whatever I want. "I'm from a sports background," he told me. "I didn't have the luxury of taking people out of the game very often even with pretty major injuries." He told me that he also had been in sports as a youngster and had been given a similar story about compression fractures, degenerative changes, etc. He opened my eyes a little bit: What is going to reduce pressure on your spine more than anything else in the world? Uh... weight loss! "If you want to run, RUN! Listen to your body!" Everything he was saying made great sense. "If it hurts, tone it down. Work your way up to your former level of fitness, and then keep going. Now there's only one question: which marathon are you trying to complete!"
I was pumped. :) Once I was taken off light duty, I started back to the eliptical, and have now worked my way back into C25K... Take 2. :) My next 5K is November 12!!!!
It was like I had been given back something I had lost, and I'm never going to lose it again... this is my life, my body. The wedding's over, I looked fabulous and flabby at the same time. It's done. I have grad school on the horizon, my future, my children... I have to stop focusing on events I want to look great for and look at the big picture. Milestones and mini-goals are great, but I've got to get BEYOND my birthday of next year. There are going to be decades of birthdays beyond that, but only if I take care of this body.
I'm looking forward to getting back in the 250's. That's always where I get comfortable, all my clothes fit, I get compliments, etc. It's so weird that 250 is my "thin point"... Golly day I can't wait to see what the next few months are going to bring.
At this point gastric bypass is not even looking like an option... that's a good thing... right?
Rant Complete. Workout: Commence.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Hey everybody! Sorry I was really out of the loop for quite a while. Lots of things to update- super excited- great things are on the horizon!
1) The internship is going great. I'm not sleeping much these days and I don't have a lot of time for... well... much of anything- but I'm about half-way there! I'm hoping to take my boards the week of Christmas and should be on as an RN at the hospital by Jan 11, 2011! YAYYY!!!
2) Brandon officially proposed! It was at a friend's Halloween/birthday party. He called me out to the back yard (where there was a bonfire), and I assumed it was because he saw I was anxious in the crowd (which I was) and he was just giving me a breather from the commotion. Then he started saying stuff like "Do you know how much I love you?" and my heart started racing and... he got down on one knee and asked! Even with all the planning and the fact that I knew he was going to ask because we did everything backwards, it was like falling in love all over again. I was so nervous- so was he... it was magical. :)
3) We're in our new place, and we love it!
4) Umm... I'm up 5 pounds. Between work and school and everything else, I haven't been treating my body the way I needed to. This ring on my left hand, however, is going to be a constant reminder of how much I need to be healthy for my future, not just for the wedding. BUT I have 6 months to get dress-ready to make sure it's ordered in time... so I gotta get to work!!!!
5) I was nominated to the Board of Director for the North Carolina Association of Nursing Students- I'm Director of Publications! I ran from the floor at our state convention, something I would have never had the confidence to do if I hadn't lost the weight I've lost. I'm going to Ohio in a few weeks to the NATIONAL convention (never been on a plane... a little nervous) and there will be awesome networking opportunities- I'll get to meet so many people I would have never met otherwise- I'm super excited!
6) I've set an ultimate goal of running the Disney Half Marathon in 2012. :) 13.1 miles. I'm hoping to run another 5K this year, a few 5 and 8 K's next year... and yeah- Disney is my big goal for 2012. :)
So yeah- that's about it. I'm in love, I'm super busy, and I got some serious work to do! I'll get some pics posted of the ring, etc ASAP! :) I really need to focus on tracking and consistency- consistency is key if I want to see results!
Later Sparkfriends! :)
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