Monday, July 12, 2010
1) So first and foremost- I am 100% totally going to start tracking again. I drove 2 hours to go to my brother's fiancé’s bridal shower, stayed there for 20 minutes, and then went out to eat with my brothers and my sister-in-law. They're all 30-32 and I've always wanted to hang out with them, go to dinner, grab a drink etc. So this was the first time I really felt like a "grown up" with my "grown up" brothers. :) So I had a light dinner (grilled chicken, spinach salad), had 2 servings of this AMAZING beer at the cafe (it's fermented with peach juice... yum) and really enjoyed myself. I never drink, but this was a special occasion... so I felt like it was worth it. The next day I had some chicken tenders, some fries... some El Fudge cookies... okay now as I'm typing this it's really no surprise that my numbers crept back up.
I said all that to say this: Tracking is key for me, apparently. I'm better at recognizing portions, for sure. And I'm proud of myself for that. But an extra 300 calories here and there that I "forget" about are equaling no loss to gaining... and I've come too far to backslide now.
I've already bought the dress for my brother's wedding, and it looks alright on me. I'd be comfortable in it, but I'm seriously going to kick it into the high gear for the next 3 weeks so I can feel AMAZING in it.
2) Also... Brandon and I are moving our plans up about.... 6 months... so he could propose any day now, and we want to get married in MAY 2011!!!! Umm... that's less than a year away! And when I think about it I get all giddy and excited and nervous. But this means that I HAVE to step it up on all accounts and stay true to my program this fall. I know I may not get to my ultimate goal (150) by May but I am going to shoot for 60-80 lbs, putting me in the 170-190 range. That, for me, would mean a size 12-14 wedding dress. :D That's a lot of weight- but it's not impossible. I feel that it's totally doable.
3) AND... I had applied for an internship at a hospital in town (my dream hospital) and I received an offer, which I accepted! :) I'll intern during school in addition to my regular nursing school clinical hours, and then in February after I take the licensure exam- I'll have a job waiting for me! :) The internship starts Aug 2nd, two days after the wedding, so this countdown applies to that as well.
My program IN WRITING
Zumba program from pamphlet
Women’s Health 21 day body makeover
Chalean Extreme - Burn Month, Weeks 1-3
So this is probably the most incoherent blog I've ever written... I usually have segues and puns and all that jazz... but I'll try to pack some extra giggle-points in the next one. GREAT things are on the horizon! :)
Monday, July 05, 2010
I get a tremendous feeling of bliss when I see some beautiful girl from high school on Facebook who is now fat. (I know... that's terrible... but it's a knee-jerk reaction which I cannot control). Then I scroll down, realize she is not fat- she is 7+ months pregnant, and the house in front of which she is standing is NOT some cozy vacation bungalow- it is in fact, the home she purchased with and for her husband, 4 cats, 3 and half dogs (long story about Bowser) and her soon-to-arrive crazily expensive T-rex from some newfangled all-the-rage Asian company. Okay... the last part was totally my imagination... but it might as well be the case.
When I focus on my negatives and all of the things I am NOT, I get overwhelmed. Did I graduate in May 2010 like I had planned? No. Did I marry my high school sweetheart? Negative. Am I a svelte 120 lbs with blonde hair OR ready to pop with baby number 1, 2, or 3? Nine (or however you spell "no" in German.) Am I even engaged? Nope. Do I have awesome graduation pics to post along with a lot of the other people I graduated with? Not yet.
I lost my best friend, and that still hurts on a daily basis... I'm up to my rear end in college-related debt, I still weigh more than I'd like, and for the life of me I still can't complete a single load of laundry in a 24 hour time-frame. (Wrinkles are in, right? They make things look weathered, distressed... yeah... we'll go with distressed.) Am I really a grownup? Like... for real?
When I REfocus on all of the wonderful things in my life, I feel tremendously blessed.
Yes, I am graduating in December. Did I get into School or Nursing THE FIRST TIME when they were actually accepting even LESS people than my originally planned date? ABSOLUTELY! That makes it even awesome-er (that is totally a word. I checked). It just wasn't on MY timeframe. Do I have 4 (count em, 4) amazing families that would do anything in the world for me at the drop of a hat? And...among those families, my Sanctuary Church family... do I not have one of the most amazing Pastors on the face of the planet? Um... that's a big 10-4! I also have an amazingly patient boyfriend... I wouldn't trade places with him in a moment for having to deal with all of my non-stop, action-packed, drama-coated nonsense.
Nothing happens on my schedule. Nothing is up to me. But it's great to know who's hands I'm in and that for once in my life, I'm on the right path... even if none of the bumps are those of the baby-variety. Everything's going to happen when it is supposed to happen... and that's just how it is. Neat.
I'm even becoming content in my own skin... So far I've lost 28 lbs (that's like... losing a toddler at WalMart- which I don't condone... but it helps me to put it in perspective) and I'm getting closer to feeling like the person I was a year ago, only better. There are pieces that are now and forever will be missing... but all-in-all... I'm pretty darn blessed.
So there are my ramblings, for anyone who's interested... and if you are one of those gorgeous girls from high school with 3 and a half cars and 2 dogs and a husband and uber-talented triplets that are already performing showtunes in utero... be blessed. :) I know I am.
Friday, June 04, 2010
I started this week with a cleanse, and I felt pretty fantastic. I broke my plateau, lost a few pounds (I know it was water but it felt good to see the #'s move) and was feeling pretty excellent. I did good for the two days following, tracking and doing well- exercising as I had planned.
Then Thursday rolled around. I got a haircut- it was supposed to be a trim from what I already had, as I'm trying to grow it out. The stylist offered to "give it some movement," to which I agreed. I like movement- I'm trying to lose weight. Movement = good. The result was a cut, which I call "the fat girl" because it's the one I had all through high school. It wasn't what I asked for, but apparently it's what hairdresser's are trained to give plus-sized patrons. Face-framing 'slimming' layers, layers throughout. On a lot of ladies it looks fantastic- I'm not downing layering in any way. But it wasn't what I asked for, and I feel like it makes me look older and I'm not a fan of that in the slightest (I'm 22... I already don't feel that I look 22... so a "mature" haircut does me zero favors).
I had my first staff meeting for the camp I'm working at which is actually located at my university and in my School of Nursing. This is the first time these people have seen me since the end of April, and no one said jack about my 19 lbs weight loss since the semester ended. I know I shouldn't base my mood on what other people say, and I know the bigger one is, the longer it takes to SEE the difference... but nothing from classmates or instructors. So I cried a little, but I wasn't going to let it RUIN my day.
My guy and I decided on sushi for dinner, with spicy hummus and pita chips (our favorite combination) and I watched my portions and really felt okay about the situation. But then THAT FEELING set in. One that hasn't emerged since I began SP- the BINGE feeling. And it began.
I started with healthy food- baked chips, a handful of almonds... I was actually trying to be mindful- protein, good fat... fill up so you can't eat anymore.
My stomach was not fooled. I painted my nails, brushed my teeth, did some exercise- all the tricks the books and therapists and counselors mentioned. It didn't work. The trip to Food Lion ensued- Laughing Cow Cheese, Special K crackers (for 'tomorrow')... and fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and a container of icing. The icing was on sale.
I couldn't get the container open fast enough in the house. Cookie-icing-cookie. My new habits took over a bit, as I calculated quickly what I was consuming. About 150 calories per cookie, about 150 for the icing- 450 calories in the palm of my hand. At leat 15 g of fat, potentially trans, definitely saturated. Fiber? What's fiber? And down it went.
And I was like a junkie getting her fix, because then I was fine.
I made Brandon take the container of cookies with him for his co-workers to eat, and the icing went in the garbage. I imagined myself digging it out today, eating it off my fingers like a REAL junkie. Golly day.
For the first time in a LOOOONG time, this happened. There was a time when I would have eaten the entire container of icing and cookies, then gotten rid of it all, collapsing next to the toilet screaming at myself inside NEVER AGAIN! But I have grown, because I did not 'get rid of' the garbage I put in my body. It was one day. Honestly, it might throw off the week in regards of losing or gaining- but it's done. If I fall into this hole where 'nothing matters' because I already messed up- then it will spiral downward. I'm not going to do that.
I started my Turbo Jam DVD so I could hear the silly intro music ("Hey... it's time to party! When I say 'Hey' you say 'Ho!' " for all you TurboJammers out there- it's that one!) while I typed this. I'm drinking a protein shake because I'm gonna lift weights after.
All is not lost. All is NEVER lost. I really don't wanna do that again. It wasn't worth it. As I was eating it, I thought the same thing. But it's done... and now it's TIME TO PARTY- Turbo party that is!
Monday, May 24, 2010
So I must say, for a big city… Wilmington, NC is the SMALLEST town I have ever encountered.
My guy's grandma gave us a 2-for-1 lunch coupon for the local TGIF, and we decided to go there for lunch today while he had the day off. We were about 5 minutes into eating, when we noticed his grandma leaving- she had kept a coupon for herself! It was neat to see her out and about, so we chatted for a minute and then went back to our table.
Less than 30 seconds after we got back to our seats, his ex walks in. They dated three years ago for like 6 months, but for him she was the real deal, the first love, etc. etc... I was facing the door and he could tell from the expression on my face that someone had arrived whom we did not care to see. I asked him to look to make sure that it was her... and it was.
And a magical thing happened... I realized that all of the things I had worried about since he and I started dating had been a waste of time. I've mentioned before that Brandon's fronted metal bands in the past. One main club in Wilmington catered to that sort of music, and she was THE bartender there. I feel like everyone in this town knows this chick, and I know at the time they dated it probably made Brandon look pretty rad to have been with her. The club recently closed and now she works at a bar even closer to our apartment. My heart jumps into my throat every time I see her car, and I've always put this girl on a pedestal in my mind because A) she was the first; and B) she's not a big girl. And in my head, it's never mattered how smart or funny or cute I am... being a big girl, in my head, took all of those attributes away and overshadowed everything I had to offer.
She's not gorgeous, she's not fit, and her voice was one of the most obnoxious I'd ever encountered. She's average, she's not a nice person, and Brandon is WITH ME. I can't tell you how many hours of my life that I've lost comparing myself to this girl... (well woman... she's 29) when it was unnecessary. We're different women, and me being a big girl has nothing to do with the fact that I'm also pretty, and smart, and have a great future ahead of me.... that I watch what I eat and work out consistently, that I've lost 15 lbs in 2 months and plan to do more, that I have an amazing boyfriend who's supportive and sweet and is gonna marry me one day. All of those are awesome things about ME... being a "big" girl is just a PART of who I am... it's not me. And I'm changing that. I'm not gonna be a "big girl" for much longer.
I really do feel like I grew up today.
And besides I'm wayyy prettier. Okay... maybe not much growing up took place after all. :)
Friday, May 07, 2010
Alright. I'm at a crossroads. Weighed and measured today- my measurements are the same (except my thighs have actually gotten bigger) and my weight is the same - it's actually up 3 pounds from my ticker marking but I really don't want to change it- I keep thinking that tomorrow will be the day the number changes and then I won't have to. My clothes aren't looser, either. I've been looking for all of those subtleties that might not show up on the scale... they're not happening.
I had a total of 5 days since beginning this journey (March 22, 2010) where I would consider myself to have been "off track". For the past 4 weeks, I've worked out consistently, 5-6 days a week. I'm tracking (except for those 5 days) and staying within my ranges, usually at the lower end.
I don't want to see the numbers falling- I don't need 5-7 pounds per week. I just want that MAGICAL 1-2 that everyone talks about! I know that the scale shouldn't be my only guide- but the numbers haven't changed AT ALL either! And I don't know how it's possible with all the changes I've made. I was excited, didn't have the old measurements out... did the new ones on a separate piece of paper. I finished, put them next to eachother, and proceeded to cry for over an hour. My boyfriend is so great- "You just have to keep going! I'm so proud of you! You can't give up- you're doing so great!"
But am I? I don't want to give up. Am I stronger? Yes. Do I have more endurance? Definitely. I also love how I feel when I work out (especially when I'm done) and lift weights and eat right. I like the FEEL of it. But I keep thinking if nothing's going to CHANGE physically- I'll just do 30 minutes 3 times a week and watch what I eat and FEEL the same way if my body's going to be a jerk either way.
Since Monday I have amped up my cardio to 60-90 minutes from the original 30+ Strength this week to see if that makes a difference. It is Friday- and nothing's changed yet but I didn't expect it to. I know if it's going to have an impact it might not show up right away. I'm going to keep going.
I don't feel like lifting weights could mess with my numbers THIS much. Seriously... to have a gain, then no loss-- and a gain in inches? Is it the weights?
I just want to see the changes START. I know it's a process. I don't expect to be where I want to be TOMORROW. I just want to be SOMEWHERE after 6 weeks of trying so hard. And I really don't feel like I am. And that... sucks... And I know being positive keeps you going and makes this a lifestyle change- not a diet or a quick fix. But it's super hard to be positive when it feels like you're spinning your wheels...
Any advice? The last thing I know to do is to cut my calories- but with working out 1-2 hours a day, I don't know if that would help or hurt me. Can anyone think of what I'm doing wrong- or what I can do... uh... MORE right? :)
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