Friday, January 25, 2013
My Race Rundown for the Year (in theory/tentative)
March 16: THE COLOR RUN!!! Winston Salem, NC
April 13: Run for Your Lives obstacle course/zombie-themed 5K in Nashville(?), TN
April 28: Diva's Half Marathon- Myrtle Beach, SC
May 19: Iron Girl Sprint Tri- Atlanta, GA
November 4th: City of Oaks FULL Marathon in Raleigh, NC
Can you tell which thing is not like the other? Can you tell which thing doesn't belong???
That's right, Sparkfriends. I'm doing a sprint Tri in May. I have to make sure I can procure a bike, but the rest of the equipment will come along in time.
I feel like I did when I got accepted into UNC Wilmington, when my husband asked me to marry him, when I got accepted to UNC Greensboro for graduate school (UNCW didn't have enough people to create a cohort for nursing ed- so I was out $60 and a lot of tears from thinking I just DIDN'T get in... but I digress) all kinda rolled into one. It's one of those decisions that you know is going to change your life forever. Like having a baby, or dying your hair black.
^^The fact that I liken these two life events indicates: 1) that I have dyed my hair black in the past and 2) I am so not ready for children no matter what my hormones tell me.
So I'm just going for it. I'm terrified, excited, a Nervous Nancy. (Nellie was my aunt's name. I don't like her. I'll never be a nervous Nellie. NEVER.) The nerves stem from doubt... self-doubt, fear of failing, fear of FALLING, fear of injury... and the fear that I'm going to look funny. Well not just funny- like ridiculous, what is she doing here, etc.
I googled "fat triathlete" and stumbled on a number of inspiring images and blogs, and a few that disheartened me. She's my goal weight- I'm emailing google. What is this GARBAGE? I'm switchin' to BING.
Anyone who has ever read my past blogs know that I struggle with self-image issues on the daily and that people are really really mean to me at times for no apparent reasons. At times my resolve is steadfast. I steel my guts with two fingers in the air (like I'm a true playerrr) and just go. Eff you. Get out of my way. Rawr rawr rawr. On the inside, I'm breaking and crumbling and bawling.
I've been told twice in the last 3 days that there's no way that *I* run. It is indeed cold- I own a jacket. Bad knees? Indeed- ACL and bilateral meniscus tears that never healed properly. Bad back? Fractures, actually. And scoliosis. Fast? Not really. 11-12 minute miles on a good day, 13-14 for an easy pace.
Well that's walking isn't it?
o__O You do it. Tell me if it feels like walking.
I started this journey at over 300 lbs and breathlessly walking for 30 seconds at a time. I've come a long way, and have some way to go. But I'm ready to stop being cordial and start getting angry.
But I'm so excited and nervous and SLEEPY (can ya tell) and will need all the support I can get. I'm going to ease myself into it but once I get momentum going, I know it's going to require two-a-days and scheduled sleep. I have ONE WEEK OF NIGHTSHIFT LEFT PRAISE BE TO THE HEAVENS AND ALL ITS INHABITANTS!!!! Normalcy and craziness will ensue. This adventure will require that I work out on WORK days (12-hour days). It will require getting up when my alarm goes off and going to bed without the TV on. It's going to require willpower and stamina and lots of powdered peanut butter.
Wish me luck.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
When I was bad when I was a kid, my stepdads always took away TV priveleges as a frontline punishment (and yes that says stepdads- I had a few of em. My mom was always working and never home and didn't care what I looked like. We got closer as I got older, then she got gastric bypass and is a snobby, smaller lady who puts me down because I'm still heavy. But I digress.) Losing priveleges motivated me to do well and to stay out of trouble to avoid losing something I like.
I'm not extrinsicly motivated with goal gifts. If I work out x amount of times to earn a personal trainer, guess what? A special little weight loss fairy is not going to foot the bill. I have to pay for it. One of my goals is to get new boots when I reach a certain goal- I get to buy those, too.
My husband's mother is giving him $1,000 to lose weight this year. Granted, his money is my money, I'm kind of reaping the benefits there. He is so unmotivated though- and I'm happy that she's willing to do this for him.
That being said, I'm not equipped to buy little gifts or treat myself as I lose. I see people with "new wardrobe" and "weekend getaway" for 5,10, or 20-pound weight loss goals. That's awesome, I'm super glad that you're able to treat yourself that way- what a wonderful motivator!!! My circumstances are different, and I'm not able to these kinds of things. No big whoop.
What can I do? I can take stuff away until I learn how to be a good girl.
I'm not punishing myself- I'm earning frivelous things back. Then they'll feel like a reward.
"REWARD" #1- Facebook priveleges back once I complete 10 runs, 5K in length or greater, running >80% of the duration. This could take 10 days or 10 weeks- that's on me.
Future "rewards" to follow.
Facebook eats so much of my time, and it is something I enjoy. After 10 runs, I should be back into the habit and back to enjoying it. It's a win-win. Maybe.
I'm not enjoying this process, dang it.
OH and to make matters worse- Jerky Mcjerkface at karaoke last night- RUINED my night. I shouldn't let it get to me, but it did and has.
Skinny girl with boyfriend, to me: Is it packed tonight? (The singer's queue)
Me: Yep, I've been waiting awhile. It's a lot of fun, really worth it!
Skinny girl to boyfriend: She's been waiting awhile
Boyfriend: I bet she has, let's get out of here. It smells like fat people.
1) I was wearing a dress that was skintight in Spanx 6 months ago that is now loose and can be worn Spanxless
2) I felt really pretty, had gotten a lot of compliments on how good I looked (Read: less fat)
3) What the crap.
Anyway. It's hard to stay positive, as I keep being put down by strangers when I'm working so hard. And it DOES bother me. And it's GOING to bother me. And no amount of "screw him you're better than that" is going to take the sting away. The only thing that will is meeting my goals- except that I'll lose 100 lbs and still be disgusting to this creep.
Why do I care so much?
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Vanilla Ice got sued mega big time for sampling Queen + Bowie's beats. He tweaked them only slightly and expected no one to notice. These days, people are noticing little changes in me before I do. 50 lbs is a lot. 50 lbs is a small child, a bunch of bags of flour, a trip up the stairs with both arms full of groceries. It's significant whether my self-deprecating sensibilities wish to admit/accept this or not. I'm doing a lot right. I don't need an overhaul. I need to TWEAK it- I need sample what I'm already doing, remix and make it my own.
I have only gone for one run since the beginning of this year.
I have gone for one great run already this year.
I don't have any energy.
I am prioritizing my day to include things that are absoultely neccessary.
I can't do anything right.
There are several things I can improve upon to make my life easier and more productive.
I am indeed under pressure. I've made semi-public declarations about my goals for 2013, and now wish that I hadn't. I'm glad the accountability is there, but it feels icky right now.
I'm motivating those around me- people tell me this left and right.
"YOUR FACE! Look how far you've come!"
These are the praises I've been longing to hear, and now they cut like a knife.
"Dumbdumb I haven't lost any weight in like... 2 months. I'm exactly the same size. Your EYES are smaller. Stupid face."
These people are being nice, and I'm being an aye-whole to myself and to them silently.
I want so badly for this to be my year. I don't wanna lump it all up. (Adventure Time reference- obsessssssed I am!!!!)
I think the long and short is that this is the first legitimate plateau I have ever experienced. I can ALWAYS trace a lack of weight loss back to something I'm actively doing to sabotage myself. This time is different. I'm doing super well about 80% of the time. I'm lacking in motivation and energy to work out. That's what's going to change my life, my body, and everything that comes with it. Energy is a head game.
Physically, I'm allowed to be tired- I'm balancing marriage/friendships/full-time nursing job/part-time clinical instructing position/full-time grad student status/life/healthy eating/AND EXERCISE. My days aren't magically going to get longer, although in Feb going back to days will make it a little easier to commit to a standard schedule. And that'll be nice. However, wasting 3 weeks in schedule limbo is not an option. Change. Starts. Now.
Okay- reframing your thinking is fabulous. What are you going to DO about it?
*Commit to the goals you set in your first blog of the year. They were bite-size, attainable little ole' things.
You are asking 10 minutes of yourself daily. GOYAAM. Just do it. That's all you. There are no extrinsic motivators to getting your ass out of bed. Just get up and go.
You are surrounded by computers, all day and all night. Your phone has an SP app, it takes approx. 11 seconds to log in and track all the good work you're doing. Earn your streaks, track your success. Amaze yo'self.
*You already hit reset everyday- install a REMIX button.
Quit the negative self-talk. REMIX all negatives into a positive. Look at it in a different light. What are you DOING- what can you do BETTER?
Get your head in the game, and your body will follow.
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
I'm a little scared, because I know this is the year I'm going to get to goal and finish school forever. I'm not allowed back in a classroom unless I'm at the front of it when my master's is complete, and I won't be a big girl anymore. When you've focused on particular goals for 25 years, reaching the finish line is a little freaky. This is a guideline, a positive self fulfilling prophecy. These are NOT resolutions- these are fun-sized to-do lists. These are flexible, they'll grow and change as I do. The skin and teeth goals are there because I want clear skin and a brighter smile, and sometimes I skip that nighttime brush and cleanse, cuz I'm a dirty bahstud.
I'm sticking to a vegetarian, not vegan, basis and focusing on gaining strength and speed with monthly fit-tests. I am choosing to look at it as a year on the whole but taking it on a day-to-day goal set. This combines what I know works for me. I'll incorporate rewards along the way, and I've already planned my monthly cheat days- the date is up in the air, however. These are also flexible- but I tend to think everything is "worth it". If I keep sight of truly seasonal/special choices, I think I'll enjoy them more and not make dumb, gut decisions.
1) No meat
2) 2 servings of dairy
3) 4 servings of veg
4) 2 fruits
5) >=1 serving nuts
6) 3 servings carbs
7) 10 minutes cardio minimum DAILY
8) 10 minutes ST minimum DAILY
9) 10 glasses of water = 1 soda
10) Wash your face, brush your teeth x 2
1 flexy food monthly
4 exercise off-days monthly
1 serving ETOH monthly (except Dec)
Record fit test 1st week of each month
Goals- by month
10 lbs lost
Water and fitness goals
60 min- 4 mile
10 lbs lost
Gray sweater for Valentine's
Half Mar- JUST FINISH!!!
5 lbs lost
Zombie run + tattoo
1 drink Bday, 1 post-race
5 real push-ups
"After" photo @ Seņor Frogs
6 real push-ups
No-guilt Independence Day
Buckle jeans trip
8 real push-ups
Size 14/17 jr
25 mile run/walk for Tday
City of Oaks!!!!! (Marathon)
Old Navy size 12
Grad dress of choice
Flexy Foods / Drinks de Debauchery
January: Poet beer + broccoli cheese soup in bread bowl
February: Dark chocolate cherry candy and moscato
March: Guiness and beer-cheese soup + bread bowl
April: OBP + Flaming Amy's
May: Margarita + nachos
June: Oberon + Little Dipper Yuengling cheese/dessert
July: OBP + blueberry cheesecake milkshake
August: Fall brew + apple crumble
September: Moscato + pumpkin pie
October: OBP + Pumpkin pie
November: OBP + Pumpkin cheesecake
December: Oreo balls + NYE
OBP = Orange Blossom Pilsner = My FAVORITE beer ever
Little Dipper = our local amazing fondue restaurant
Seņor Frogs = a Myrtle Beach restaurant where they took a souvenir photo that made me cry for bad reasons
And that's it. Manageable, short-term goals with a long-term focus.
Let's get it.
Holy crap... It's happening THIS YEAR!
I'm going to be the Bex I've always wanted to be. Let's rock.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
I don't do a very good Jack Nicholson impression. If I did, I would use this skill to make money. Here's a picture to get my point across. Rawr... sort of.
I haven't been this small since high school- lowest weight of 205 in the 10th grade... size 14/16, M-L tops. Currently a size 16-18, size L tops mostly. There's about a 40 lbs difference, but I didn't have the hips or the chest in high school that I have now, but I digress.
I'm in a very strange place. Some days I'm very happy with my progress, and some days it feels like such a holding pattern. I have gained and lost these same 50 lbs almost 3 times at this point. I feel like 240 is the golden number- if I can get below it, I'll be on my way to Onederland.
Those around me say nice things, most of the time. I have encouragment from most angles. The most distorted thing in the equation is how I see myself.
Cameras are jerks. On occasion, I look super tiny with cheekbones and slimmed arms. Other angles catch me with a double chin and back fat, and it upsets me. I chopped all my hair off, and my face IS smaller. But, as I've said for many years as people compliment my jawline- I CAN'T WEAR PANTS ON MY FACE!
I set long term goals and short term goals over the past year. In terms of losses and gains, it's been a pretty standard year for me. The vows and last straws and blogs and pining for change left me with a slightly better body than I began with in 2012. I haven't run in weeks, so my 5-8 mile endurance streak has fizzled out. I plan on picking that up again post-haste. The stress of the past semester broke me hard. 20 hours+ in scrubs at a time + transition to night shift + never seeing my stupid/wonderful husband = trouble in paradise on all fronts. I'm working on my time management, making myself a priority in the spring, and no longer being a doormat. I have to learn to say NO. I'm a people pleaser- big girls often are. If I say no, they'll think I'm fatter. Totally illogical. Whatevs. Get with it brain.
I did not run my half marathon. I damaged my feet, had multiple legit setbacks. Goals and dreams do not have deadlines. 2013 is a new year with different goals, priorities, and schedules. I will make it so.
I transition back to day shift in February. I have an appreciation for the NORMALCY dayshift offers- I'll take its hectic nature as a tradeoff.
I've gained and lost a lot this year. I feel like I've mature more than any other year. I've finally accepted that this is a journey and I don't have to wear a burlap sack until I'm a size 12. I discovered Torrid and other plus-size stores. I purhcased my first peacoat, pair of boots, a pushup bra, and (several) pair(s) of skinny jeans. I'm learning to love my body at all sizes AND to buy clothes that FLATTER rather than disguise- clothes that do not fit me (either TOO big or TOO small, do me no favors in the hawtness department). This is foreign to me, as I didn't feel like I was worth it before. I was worth it at 300 lbs. I'm worth it in the mid 240s (whereifeeliwillremainforeverandeverohno) and I'll be worth it at 199 and beyond- and that's been the biggest takeaway from this year.
So is this as good as it gets? Probably not.
Might it take me another year (or more) to get where I need to go? Maybe.
Am I okay with that? asl;fjka;sldfjkalsdfjkalskdfjasl.... Sort of.
I'm no longer a before, I'm not yet an after... the work in progress part is pretty darn hard in between.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!!
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