Sunday, September 25, 2011
I've been struggling with my weight since my early 20s. I was never athletic, but in my teens I guess I got enough activity to keep the fat monster at bay.
Shortly into my marriage, my husband decided he wasn't sexually attracted to me (I was about 150 pounds at the time). Add this to the fact that I had a brand-new university degree but couldn't find a job and the fact that we were barely making ends meet, and you have the perfect storm of feelings of worthlessness. It seemed like the only bright thing in my life was food, and I comforted myself with it often and to excess.
Fast-forward to 2002. Despite various attempts to lose weight (including a few months when I got light enough to get pregnant), I now weighed 304 pounds. Desperate for help, I got a lap-band. (My husband was supportive, and we borrowed the money against our house to pay for it,)
I had the lap band until 2 weeks ago. I lost 100 pounds in the first 2 years and kept off 80 pounds. But I found it difficult to lose beyond that, and I experienced many problems trying to eat healthy foods like salads and chicken (the bad stuff always went down fine, of course.) Chronic heartburn made it difficult to take vitamins and I ended up anemic and with no energy at all. To have gone through all this and still be at least 80 pounds from a healthy weight was devastating, but I knew I had to move on, even though I'm terrified of gaining all my weight back.
On September 12, I had my lapband removed. Fortunately, I found SparkPeople last year and I am using the tools. This is my first week and while I haven't been perfect, I have kept close to my calorie limit, drunk 8 glasses of water and have eaten 4-5 fruits and veggies a day. Next week I will start upping my activity levels.
Why do I want to lose weight?
I have arthritis and sleep apnea and I know the only way to cope with these conditions is to lose weight.
I desperately want to set a better example for my daughter. She's slender, but with two obese parents, the cards are all against her. I want her to learn the tools of healthy living so she never has to go through this.
Most of all, I want to take my power back from every person or situation that said I wasn't good enough. Thanks to a year of counselling, I now believe that I AM good enough, that I AM worthy of love and respect . My self-worth is getting stronger and I want my body to reflect that. And every time, I eat some vegetables or take a walk, I'll know thatI am taking care of me and that I deserve it.
Thanks for listening.