Friday, October 16, 2009
...So I was jotting a quick note on a friend's blog who was blogging about getting off track and trying to get back on when I realized with the knee hurting and my own messed up head space this week I've tumbled off the healthy self-nurturing wagon myself this week and it's time to do just what I offered as advice for Mali! Step away from the junk food and munchies and simply pick myself back up and get to it again.
The only part of this that still worries me is that I KNEW why I was off the wagon. It's that whole self-sabotage thing again combined with hurting my knee again. While hurting my knee again wasn't something I could control the fact that I realized I was just 6 pounds away from having a BMI that said I'm just "overweight" and no longer "obese" freaked me out as usual and I've eaten like a frat boy this week. Crappy, processed food, c-store junk, hot dogs, pizza etc along with ice cream, pie and candy because here we are again:
Do we have a "meeting" for this? Like "Hello, my name is Beth and I"m a self-sabotaging emotional eater who's truly afraid of being healthy because then all the messed up stuff in my life doesn't have an easy excuse for it's being there if I'm not fat?" Probably but I'd rather ramble about it here.
So instead, I"m off to get myself ready for work, drink my tea and work on it again! Gotta run, still not dressed for work! ACK!
Monday, October 12, 2009
When I was twelve I had the weirdest horseback riding experience. I was riding Smokey, a relatively short, dirty white colored, barrel bodied little draft type horse whose back was nearly as wide as he was tall along the old rail road grade by my house that ran along side Seven-mile Creek. It was a beautiful summer day and Smokey and I were just riding along very relaxed when he started to fidget, and just kept fidgeting and getting more and more riled up and pretty much started prancing and side stepping as we went down the trail. I'm twelve remember and NOT that experienced a rider, so I keep pushing Smokey on down the trail. His ears go WAY back and he snorts and bucks a bit, as much as a 10year old retired logging horse has in him to buck that is as we come around the bend in the trail nose to nose with Mama Bear and her baby!!!!
Now, I'm scared. Smokey's scared and most likely too are Mama and Baby Bears! Well, Smokey freaked and bolted back toward the barn and me being freaked too just let him. Big mistake!!! Not getting away mind you but just letting him go and holding on for dear life as that little old bugger put his head down and galloped, I swear galloped for the first time and only time in all the time I ever rode him! The kicker comes when Smokey in his panic seems to have forgotten me on his back and bails between two tress that left him with four inches or so to clear each side of them. Even then my legs were thicker than that and BOTH knees slam into the trunks of both tress at the same time, dislocating my knees.
It hurt enough for me to know to stay on him when we got to the barn. He'd slowed enough by then but he and I both were gasping for breath, him from exertion and me from pain and panic. I'd managed to stay on his back, thankfully I was riding bare back and only ended up grabbing a handful of mane and laying flat on my belly the second half of the mad dash to the barn. I collected the two pieces of bailing twine tied to his halter I'd been using as a makeshift bridle and headed the half a mile back to my house on the main road NOT the trail with Mama and Baby Bear mind you.
My lets gave out from under me when I dismounted and my Mom knew something again was wrong with me. Let's just say my horseback riding career was filled with sprains, strains, bruises and now two dislocated knees! My Mom had me lead Smokey along the car by holding the bailing twine in one hand out the car window as we left for the emergency room. We stopped and she put him in the corral fence on the way by.
Every now and again, I do something that makes my knee "pop out" and dislocate again. The right one anyhow, which the Dr. said took the brunt of my and Smokey's bodies combined with our momentum against the trees.
Yesterday, it was a bar stool at work that caught me off guard. I had my butt planted on it and my right foot hooked around the rung on the stool and tried to scoot myself over to make room for all the stuff I was trying to gather at the buddy bar while waiting to finish closing out my shift. I knew as soon as I heard the sound it made, even before the white hot and nauseating pain came that I'd done it again. Of all the silly places to hurt yourself! Anyhow, I took a cocktail of nsaids, (Aleeve and Motrin) and acetaminophen as soon as I got home and iced it while settling myself on the couch with a pillow under my knee for support and resigned myself to not going to workout or yoga. I was still trying not to vomit every time I moved which meant it was still out. When the pills kicked in enough for me to bear it I asked Rob to give it a quick yank to put it all the way back. Reluctantly, and disclaiming any vomit clean up that may result he did. It was in fact still not seated properly and popped again making me almost scream and nearly pass out again waves and waves of nausea hit me but at least it was back in. I spent the night with pills, tv and an ice pack while Rob was at work.
This morning it's bruised and swollen some till and very sore but holding in place. I took more pills this morning and set myself out to see what I could do of my workout in a chair and of my yoga workout, I stuck to pranayama, shavasana and other breathing and relaxation techniques again in a chair or on the floor, no Sun Salutations for me today or standing poses or really anything that involves bending and pressure on my knee.
It was both a disappointing work out and a hopeful one. I couldn't do what I usually do but did maintain my scheduled time to work out. I've so been away from here much lately. I've been doing o.k. I guess but I miss it. I feel anxious about my healhty efforts without the crutch of tracking and indulgance of my ocd tendancies to keep everything pinned down. Don't get me wrong, I MUST admit that I've still done well, my weigh in's have been AMAZING 11 pounds last week, which is weird but hey, I'll take what I can get. Now I'm just steeling myself for a night of hobbling around at work because I so can't afford to miss work. I hate to have to take pills to function. That reminds me so of my everyday life before I started eating right and exercising. I took pills by the handfuls for every little ache and pain until it became prescription pills to handle my growing aches and pains of being morbidly obese. I suppose 128 pounds gone now I should just still my chaotic mind with the soothing balm of realization that so what I have to pop some pills to get through my two more days at work? It's NOTHING EVEN CLOSE to when I had to do that EVERY DAY several times a day just to get through each shift at work. I remember trying to be all chipper and happy and nice to people when I was in such pain!! My ankles swelling an inch or two over my socks and shoes and legs pounding knees aching, EVERY DAY!!! So, I may have to revisit these feelings for the next couple shifts, maybe even a week. It's not like it used to be. This is not my everyday reality anymore. But I still don't like it!! Hell, then I couldn't even have done what I did today of my regular workout in a chair with 5 pound weights and an extra heavy resistance band or concentrated for half an hour in corpse pose to relax that much. Poor Wooffitt though, it almost broke my heart to tell him no walk today. I do need to be able to save my hobbling about for work tonight. My poor neglected puppy!! He pouted and went back to bed with Rob. Anyhow, I think I'm gonna go soak my knee in some hot water. The recent hard freeze busting a pipe in our hot tub and all it's off to the bubble bath with me. Oh well, probably wouldn't have been able to drag myself into the hot tub with one good knee and all that anyhow. LOL Bathtub is much safer!
Friday, October 09, 2009
...so I forgot to get on the scale on wed. So I did it today. Somewhere, I lost 10 more pounds than the upcoming goal of 230 that I was stressing. The scale REALLY said 220!! All I've done differently is concentrate on my further yoga studies which do include mindful eating and eating for the nourishment of my body and mind rather than emotions and stresses. I haven't even been tracking more than cups of water and fruit and veggie servings. Maybe I DID really need a break!!! WOW! I had to have Rob come read the scale to make sure I wasn't hallucinating! YAY! That makes it 128 pounds so far! And my next 10% goal on my Spark Anniversary of Jan 9 2010!! Time to start scheduling another butterfly tattoo!!
Sunday, October 04, 2009
...to the rag bin at the shop at work. I managed to toss an entire lawn bag full of clothes that are 4-6 sizes too big for me! Joann_L was right! Watching "Hoarders" on A&E DID inspire me to not only finish all the dishes in my kitchen but to promise Lee that I'd bring him a bag of clothes I can no longer wear or shouldn't that look frumpy and baggy baggy. Don't get me wrong I did keep the one pair of size 22 jeans Rob bought me in Vegas with the rationale that I can wear them for hunting season with layers underneath. But really I'm just nostalgic about the great pair of jeans he bought me without me trying them on that at the time fit like a glove and were extremely cute. These days they have a hole in the butt and are two sizes two big but I just couldn't part with them. :O)
Saturday, October 03, 2009
...it just dawned, no pun intended, especially since it's still WAY DARK out, that I'm up 2 1/2 hours before I have to be at work. I've already had breakfast and am catching up on some SP stuff waiting for my tea to cool enough to drink and Rob to get home for a soak in the hot tub before a quick shower and change before work.
Before work? Me? The consummate "non-morning person"? I'm not sure when this happened or really if it's a matter of health or habit or both but I have to say it's WAY better than dragging myself out of bed and having to race to get ready still asleep half an hour after hitting the snooze button for an hour or so.
It's not that the alarm time has changed. I've just mostly given up the snooze button. I say mostly because it's still the first thing I reach for when the alarm screeches it's way into my sleepy dreamy land. I just don't beat the alarm clock for an hour and just barely get back to sleep before the evil critter goes off again and again and again. What was I thinking? That sucks! This is way better.
Anyhow, that's my morning ramble. I haven't been writing enough. I've been back to counting updating my status or scribbling a few lines in my paper journal as writing. It's not really.
I have however been using what I've started to study further in yoga practice toward "fixing" my brain when it comes to how I eat. I took a week off from the nutrition tracker to see if I could still eat well enough to lose and I did! Yesterday was EVEN BETTER than that! I ate what I thought were healthy foods in appropriate portions, (I did measure them but didn't plain out or track as I went for the day) then logged it all right before bed and was right on track with everything nutritionally, not just calories but fat, carbs and protein and counting my multi-vitamin supplement and calcium was even on track nutrient wise and didn't obsess about it all day!
They say in yoga that one starts with asana (the poses) because it's easier to change your body than your mind. But now I think it's time to work on changing my mind to eat well instead of just forcing my body to be well by tracking and tracking and going through all the motions of healthy eating habits. Don't get me wrong, I'm SO NOT dissing the tracker and tools here, just beginning to try and really incorporate the habits I've cultivated with these tools for my body in my brain. That miraculous yet deviant aspect of it all that tempts me to just throw it all in and eat and eat and eat or soothe my emotional ups and downs with food and drink that is my mind has been slacking in it's involvement in our healthy habits. It's followed along like a new puppy on a leash if you give it a moment's inattention it's gone chasing butterflies and eating itself sick. It's time to get the brain on board too! For me that means, mindful eating and taking the time to write more as well as not letting me talk myself into unhealthy eating or exercise habits.
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