Still up...

Sunday, August 09, 2009

...why why why??? I just want to sleep!!!!! Here's to hoping drugging myself will work. I have just enough time if I do it now to still get 7 hours sleep and get up in time to go about my day in a healthy positive manner. Unlike yesterday/today which ever it is now, I lose track sometimes when it's been over 24 hours since I've slept, I need to get back to my routine not struggle through my day at work by downing a couple sugar free red bulls and a cup of coffee, letting my cravings dictate what I feed myself and wallowing in my misery further compounding how bad I feel by blowing off exercise. But before I can do any of that I just need some sleep!!! So I made a sandwich so as not to take pills on an empty belly, took two Midol and a Valerian Root capsule with a couple glasses of Fresca and am jotting all this down out of my head to wait for the urge to sleep to come back. Hopefully this time I can lie down and not hurt so bad I don't sleep or barely doze just to wake back up again to change positions trying to find one that doesn't hurt. I think maybe I'll read the rest of my co-worker's TV series screen play overview which is actually quite a cool sci fi military special ops unit for Zombies all Men in Black meets 28 Days Later with terrorists too ~SIGH~ please let the drugs work as muc has I hate them I just need to sleep, the new age instrumental music is on, my bed all made, lights down in the house, Wooffitt in bed already the only thing this picture is missing is me sleeping!!!!!!!

  

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CHICUELAGIRL 8/9/2009 8:56AM

I too had the same problem (still do here and there). The following has helped me: - Cut your intake of soft drinks (especially coke/pepsi) b/c they have too much caffeine - Cut your intake on... coffee -get on a routine, go to bed at the same time, get into the habit of conditioning your body - get a dark, quiet room, cover your eyes if you need to - get your mind into 'sleeping mode' - Don't eat late at night, b/c that can keep you up (not sure why but it does) Good luck, hope this problem goes away, if SEEK medical advice, call your doctor, Yaya Report Inappropriate Comment

TDWANDD2MYK9 8/9/2009 5:05AM

Please tell me if you find a way to beat insomnia! I too am so tired! Report Inappropriate Comment

Weak weak weak...or just too much I'm not sure which...

Saturday, August 08, 2009

EVIL TOM MUNCHIES Today I ate everything that I came across and was at work exhausted 45 mins of sleep all night because of insomnia, I'm hurting, grumpy, tired and just plain done I'd add that I don't care but if that were really true I wouldn't have tracked any of it but instead I sit here typing typing typing while sending Rob out for buffalo chicken pizza...what is WRONG with me today ???? I'm sure I'll pick this all apart later but it's just TOO MUCH right now for me to deal with there was a lot of stuff in my head last night/this morning and i think i tried to comp for sleep with food all day and had no willpower to fight the smallest craving much less the worst of my TOM cravings that give me a hard time to fulfill without damaging my healthy nutritional intentions when I'm well rested and spoiling myself, so I just let go and gave in to the now and am going to watch tv and eat pizza with rob on the couch canceled yoga I was having a hard time standing upright at work the last few hours much less trying something that requires real balance...just shaky and fading...and skipping my strength training tonight...hell maybe I just need to see if it will all fall apart if i do the exact opposite of what I "should" for just one day and get it all out of my system I just feel SO FREAKING HORRIBLE today!! WEAK of mind and body and spirit even.....~SIGH~.......sheesh I'm dozing at the comp as I type...but every time I stretch out to rest something hurts and aches or I think of something else I "need" or want or should do or or or or ...........ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! And now the satellite is being weird so our ppv movie isn't working so much for salvaging tonight with dinner and a movie with rob....~HEAVY SIGH~

  

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ELISAJANE1 8/8/2009 9:08PM

Hey, hang in there. I've had more than one of those days. Just start again tomorrow, and don't beat yourself up tonight. It does you no good. Report Inappropriate Comment

Surrendering Delusions of Perfection

Thursday, August 06, 2009

So despite my infinite expressions of humanity that manifest in many shortcomings, issues and otherwise neurotic behavior patterns, my "little voice" seems to hang on to this delusion of perfection. This has absolutely no rational basis. I don't really believe that anyone can be "perfect" and still be human. We all have bad days and struggle with one thing or another from time to time. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to cut myself the slack I would anyone else. I don't think I'm perfect by any means but I treat myself like I think I SHOULD be! I'm disappointed with anything less from myself. I pick at things even when trying to be realistic about my strong and weak points. Sometimes by trying to perfect my strengths my weaknesses sneak up and bite me in the ass! I don't know what more to do but to remind myself over and over again that I so wouldn't hang out with anyone else that wrinkled their nose and sighed or rolled their eyes at anything short of perfection in my behaviors. But I can't seem to make that little voice go away. No matter how much I remind myself how far I've come or how much anyone else comments on my progress, confinement, motivation, diligence anything, if I can point out an error, shortcoming or missed opportunity or blow off those compliments with sarcastic jabs and comments I will. I'd be furious if someone else did these things to me or anyone else but I let me do it to myself all the time even to some degree encourage it to keep myself on track. What makes it hard are days like today where I'm achy and crampy and hormonal and want to go curl up in a ball on the couch or soak in the hottest bubble bath I can instead of sweep the rug so I can get down there for my new strength training workout. So my dilemma is that it's the little voice that says I suck if I don't do it but the rest of my body and most of my brain says take it easy it hurts! Both have a point and I'm so NOT good at striking a compromise between the little voice and what it demands I do and what I'm actually going to do. In the meantime, I'm off to give all of them a try and see if I can manage not to geel guilty about whatever it is I end up doing. ~sigh~

  

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BETHHARRIS 8/8/2009 8:36AM

Thanks for the link. Funny it's one of those I've earned points for reading but didn't seem to absorb well enough to quiet the pesky little nagging voices! Saving that one for a few more perusals!! Report Inappropriate Comment

MSUEQUILTS 8/7/2009 1:44PM

those little voices are killers! You might want to check out this article because it has a section on page 4 (I think) entitled Progress - not perfection - is important. Hope that helps! http://www.sparkpeopl e.com/resource/motivation_artic les.asp?id=729&page=4 Report Inappropriate Comment

3:00 AM

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

YAY! It's three in the morning and I've been so nice to me! No junk food. No hot dogs. No finishing off the left over pasta in the fridge, (O.K. so I did take it out and put it in the microwave for like 20 seconds before I caught myself and put it back when I noticed I wasn't really hungry.) I had a glass of burgundy with diet seven up and a dark chocolate bar instead. It fixed my late night/early morning after work munchies all by itself. Funny how something so rich take so much less to make the palate happy. At this point it's almost time for a glass of water and my blanket. Just taking a few moments to type some of the stuff out of my head before bed so I can just crash!! YAY!!

Plenty of time tomorrow for a long walk with Wooffitt, maybe even early so it's cool since I don't have yoga. Hopefully, the air quality is better. Today's walk made my throat all dry and sore from the smoke in the air. Which is weird because I spend 9 hours a day in a smoke filled bar. Yes, the bar I work in still allows people to smoke, at least until October 31st and that doesn't bother me like the forest fire smoke does. Although it does stink when I first walk in the bar to me since I quit smoking but I get used to it pretty quickly. Morning's are the worst though.

I got a new shirt today just because a 1X fit! LOL The kitchen manager was giving one of the cooks a hard time for wearing such a baggy shirt when I went in to pick up my spring mix greens and broccoli. I mentioned that I'd been meaning to buy one for work and she said I shouldn't if it was for work. Bartenders don't "have" to wear the same uniform Montana shirts as the rest of the kitchen staff and wait staff but we can if we like them. When she asked me what size I rattled off my old answer of 2X and she just said "No!" and handed me a 1X. One of her pet peeves is people wearing baggy sloppy looking uniform shirts. She said if it didn't in fact fit she'd exchange it for me. I didn't really feel THAT bad when I went in for work wearing quite comfortably the shirt she'd given me! LOL Poor Linda now is stuck with a smaller size too because she said if that one fit me she'd give up and get a large instead of the 1X Deb gave her when she insisted she couldn't wear a L. LOL She didn't think it would fit me anymore than I did. Deb had the unfair advantage though of only seeing me every few weeks instead of every day and had apparently noticed more the weight I've lost than either Linda or I did! LOL But hey, I got a cute black T-shirt with a rainbow f aux rhinestone shiny peace sign that says Montana in tiny white script writing. It's quite cute! Although that makes me wonder if I'm going to have to replace all my Griz shirts which are 2X and 3X's before this fall! ACK!

Oh well, I guess there are way worse reasons to have to replace pieces of one's wardrobe! Anyhow, my Wooffitt either wants to go to bed or play Frisbee I'm not sure which but I"m not up for 3 am Frisbee so it's off to bed for me. I think I have enough crap out of my brain to lay down and get some rest.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PROMETHIAL 8/4/2009 5:19PM

Cool on the shirt. That is something to feel good about for sure. Still trying to imagine why they think the smoking ban will do anything but harm business. I'm now x-smoker again but I dont think places like bars need to be smoke free. Especially in Montana. Even here the trend is to push for zero tolerance soon enough. And this is Texas. (sigh) I hope there is more tolerance/allowances in the transition. The impact can be pretty significant. Right, well either way it means you will be smoking less as well in the long run. :) I wont go into how forest fire or other types of smoke differ from all the types we ingest. Suffice to say anything over zero added to the mix will slowly tear you up. Report Inappropriate Comment

MISSBEAR11 8/4/2009 12:37PM

Woohoo, a smaller size!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

MALI*DREAMS* 8/4/2009 10:47AM

yeah you you go girl that is awesome news your doing great Report Inappropriate Comment

ALMMOM 8/4/2009 10:05AM

Smaller size - wonderful!!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

GCHUNG 8/4/2009 9:56AM

Congratulations on your new shirt! You can save the old ones and turn them into a TShirt quilt - incentive to get more shirts. Keep it up. Report Inappropriate Comment

HKLULU 8/4/2009 5:37AM

it snice to read another night shifter's blog. I work all night and eat me meals in reverse. dinner when I wake up with my family, then lunch at work and breakfast when I get home before bed. Report Inappropriate Comment

Catching myself slacking off...

Monday, August 03, 2009

So, I've not been as good to myself this week as I have in the past. I've slacked off on stocking the salad pool at work and as a result haven't eaten so well. Hot dogs, German sausages, pecan pie, and frozen dinners have made up the bulk of what I've eaten away from home. I spend 45 hours a week there I must take the time to stock the cooler and pantry at work too with stuff that's healthy!!!! I've been slacking on my kitchen cleaning, oh I've done my 30 mins of "working on cleaning house" to check of my "other goals" section here on SP but I've counted laundry and sorting clothes in that time leaving my sink to grow a mountian of dishes and my counters and stove to disappear, my desk to sprout a forest of wine glasses, mugs and coffee cups all the while making it VERY HARD to cook healthy for me and Rob and worse yet IMPOSSIBLE for Rob to feel the motivation to make himself anything healthy in our shambles of a kitchen. As a result we've both ate lots of sandwiches and take out food from the restaurant at work, or junk from the c-store and/or gone out to eat. We have been pretty good about eating our veggies and fruits because of the availability of fresh produce at the produce stand by the coffee shop but sharing an entire watermelon because it's hot out and it's cold and yummy still isn't probably the best for either of us. EEEKS! I won't give myself grief for not exercising as much as normal because of the knee injury but I have no excuse for letting the house cleaning and cooking at home go nor for what I've fed myself this week!!!!

So, with that in mind, I went out today and bought spring mix greens and broccoli from FSA for the salad pool, a sm brick of cheese to shred for salads, grilled a bunch of chicken, some hot and spicy for me and Lagena and some plain for Rob and Destiny, (the four of us actually do eat out of the salad pool when it's stocked), I need to stop by on my way to work and pick up some dressing and it's all set to NOT have to eat junk just because I've been slacking and not stocked the salad pool or prepared anything easy and healthy at home!!!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PROMETHIAL 8/4/2009 5:08PM

Yup, you were talking out loud when you said both diet and exercise before. :) Now we see the whole picture. But bear in mind that not pushing your knee takes on many levels. I've learned this with my trick back. I also dont gain much when I kick myself when I compare apples and oranges because when it comes to certain things, everything is a cucumber and that discussion is moot. Get the idea? At least now we got an idea what you meant about the diet and exercise. The slacking off is probably a comfort range reaction. I know about 36 hours ago I would have paid you dearly to set my hands on the above mentioned pecan pie! :) So, go be well and dont kick thy-self. You did well this week by making sure you didn't exacerbate a problem. It could have been much much worse. Report Inappropriate Comment

MISSBEAR11 8/4/2009 1:28AM

You've got the plan in gear now girl! High 5. Hugs. Report Inappropriate Comment

MAILMAN49 8/3/2009 11:57PM

Good job getting back on track. Remember, most of us have stopped as we go down the road to a better, healthier us. Just be sure that you are just briefly stopped, not parked! Judy Report Inappropriate Comment

DIETDIVA245 8/3/2009 5:28PM

Sounds like you're on the right track again! Don't get down on yourself just keep moving in the right direction. Report Inappropriate Comment