Sunday, August 09, 2009
...why why why??? I just want to sleep!!!!! Here's to hoping drugging myself will work. I have just enough time if I do it now to still get 7 hours sleep and get up in time to go about my day in a healthy positive manner. Unlike yesterday/today which ever it is now, I lose track sometimes when it's been over 24 hours since I've slept, I need to get back to my routine not struggle through my day at work by downing a couple sugar free red bulls and a cup of coffee, letting my cravings dictate what I feed myself and wallowing in my misery further compounding how bad I feel by blowing off exercise. But before I can do any of that I just need some sleep!!! So I made a sandwich so as not to take pills on an empty belly, took two Midol and a Valerian Root capsule with a couple glasses of Fresca and am jotting all this down out of my head to wait for the urge to sleep to come back. Hopefully this time I can lie down and not hurt so bad I don't sleep or barely doze just to wake back up again to change positions trying to find one that doesn't hurt. I think maybe I'll read the rest of my co-worker's TV series screen play overview which is actually quite a cool sci fi military special ops unit for Zombies all Men in Black meets 28 Days Later with terrorists too ~SIGH~ please let the drugs work as muc has I hate them I just need to sleep, the new age instrumental music is on, my bed all made, lights down in the house, Wooffitt in bed already the only thing this picture is missing is me sleeping!!!!!!!
Thursday, August 06, 2009
So despite my infinite expressions of humanity that manifest in many shortcomings, issues and otherwise neurotic behavior patterns, my "little voice" seems to hang on to this delusion of perfection. This has absolutely no rational basis. I don't really believe that anyone can be "perfect" and still be human. We all have bad days and struggle with one thing or another from time to time. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to cut myself the slack I would anyone else. I don't think I'm perfect by any means but I treat myself like I think I SHOULD be! I'm disappointed with anything less from myself. I pick at things even when trying to be realistic about my strong and weak points. Sometimes by trying to perfect my strengths my weaknesses sneak up and bite me in the ass! I don't know what more to do but to remind myself over and over again that I so wouldn't hang out with anyone else that wrinkled their nose and sighed or rolled their eyes at anything short of perfection in my behaviors. But I can't seem to make that little voice go away. No matter how much I remind myself how far I've come or how much anyone else comments on my progress, confinement, motivation, diligence anything, if I can point out an error, shortcoming or missed opportunity or blow off those compliments with sarcastic jabs and comments I will. I'd be furious if someone else did these things to me or anyone else but I let me do it to myself all the time even to some degree encourage it to keep myself on track. What makes it hard are days like today where I'm achy and crampy and hormonal and want to go curl up in a ball on the couch or soak in the hottest bubble bath I can instead of sweep the rug so I can get down there for my new strength training workout. So my dilemma is that it's the little voice that says I suck if I don't do it but the rest of my body and most of my brain says take it easy it hurts! Both have a point and I'm so NOT good at striking a compromise between the little voice and what it demands I do and what I'm actually going to do. In the meantime, I'm off to give all of them a try and see if I can manage not to geel guilty about whatever it is I end up doing. ~sigh~
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
YAY! It's three in the morning and I've been so nice to me! No junk food. No hot dogs. No finishing off the left over pasta in the fridge, (O.K. so I did take it out and put it in the microwave for like 20 seconds before I caught myself and put it back when I noticed I wasn't really hungry.) I had a glass of burgundy with diet seven up and a dark chocolate bar instead. It fixed my late night/early morning after work munchies all by itself. Funny how something so rich take so much less to make the palate happy. At this point it's almost time for a glass of water and my blanket. Just taking a few moments to type some of the stuff out of my head before bed so I can just crash!! YAY!!
Plenty of time tomorrow for a long walk with Wooffitt, maybe even early so it's cool since I don't have yoga. Hopefully, the air quality is better. Today's walk made my throat all dry and sore from the smoke in the air. Which is weird because I spend 9 hours a day in a smoke filled bar. Yes, the bar I work in still allows people to smoke, at least until October 31st and that doesn't bother me like the forest fire smoke does. Although it does stink when I first walk in the bar to me since I quit smoking but I get used to it pretty quickly. Morning's are the worst though.
I got a new shirt today just because a 1X fit! LOL The kitchen manager was giving one of the cooks a hard time for wearing such a baggy shirt when I went in to pick up my spring mix greens and broccoli. I mentioned that I'd been meaning to buy one for work and she said I shouldn't if it was for work. Bartenders don't "have" to wear the same uniform Montana shirts as the rest of the kitchen staff and wait staff but we can if we like them. When she asked me what size I rattled off my old answer of 2X and she just said "No!" and handed me a 1X. One of her pet peeves is people wearing baggy sloppy looking uniform shirts. She said if it didn't in fact fit she'd exchange it for me. I didn't really feel THAT bad when I went in for work wearing quite comfortably the shirt she'd given me! LOL Poor Linda now is stuck with a smaller size too because she said if that one fit me she'd give up and get a large instead of the 1X Deb gave her when she insisted she couldn't wear a L. LOL She didn't think it would fit me anymore than I did. Deb had the unfair advantage though of only seeing me every few weeks instead of every day and had apparently noticed more the weight I've lost than either Linda or I did! LOL But hey, I got a cute black T-shirt with a rainbow f aux rhinestone shiny peace sign that says Montana in tiny white script writing. It's quite cute! Although that makes me wonder if I'm going to have to replace all my Griz shirts which are 2X and 3X's before this fall! ACK!
Oh well, I guess there are way worse reasons to have to replace pieces of one's wardrobe! Anyhow, my Wooffitt either wants to go to bed or play Frisbee I'm not sure which but I"m not up for 3 am Frisbee so it's off to bed for me. I think I have enough crap out of my brain to lay down and get some rest.
Monday, August 03, 2009
So, I've not been as good to myself this week as I have in the past. I've slacked off on stocking the salad pool at work and as a result haven't eaten so well. Hot dogs, German sausages, pecan pie, and frozen dinners have made up the bulk of what I've eaten away from home. I spend 45 hours a week there I must take the time to stock the cooler and pantry at work too with stuff that's healthy!!!! I've been slacking on my kitchen cleaning, oh I've done my 30 mins of "working on cleaning house" to check of my "other goals" section here on SP but I've counted laundry and sorting clothes in that time leaving my sink to grow a mountian of dishes and my counters and stove to disappear, my desk to sprout a forest of wine glasses, mugs and coffee cups all the while making it VERY HARD to cook healthy for me and Rob and worse yet IMPOSSIBLE for Rob to feel the motivation to make himself anything healthy in our shambles of a kitchen. As a result we've both ate lots of sandwiches and take out food from the restaurant at work, or junk from the c-store and/or gone out to eat. We have been pretty good about eating our veggies and fruits because of the availability of fresh produce at the produce stand by the coffee shop but sharing an entire watermelon because it's hot out and it's cold and yummy still isn't probably the best for either of us. EEEKS! I won't give myself grief for not exercising as much as normal because of the knee injury but I have no excuse for letting the house cleaning and cooking at home go nor for what I've fed myself this week!!!!
So, with that in mind, I went out today and bought spring mix greens and broccoli from FSA for the salad pool, a sm brick of cheese to shred for salads, grilled a bunch of chicken, some hot and spicy for me and Lagena and some plain for Rob and Destiny, (the four of us actually do eat out of the salad pool when it's stocked), I need to stop by on my way to work and pick up some dressing and it's all set to NOT have to eat junk just because I've been slacking and not stocked the salad pool or prepared anything easy and healthy at home!!!
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