Thursday, August 04, 2011
About yesterday's blog ...
I do think that it's normal to compare yourself to others. It's how we are programmed ... BUT
I had a brief moment in time when I in chemo where I didn't do that. I was enough just as I was. You were enough just as you were. And that knowledge led to a state of bliss. I want it back! So I'm constantly correcting myself when I find myself making judgements that really are none of my business ... and really, most of my judgements fall into that category. And I'm trying not to compete anymore. It may have been useful at some point in my life but it's not a trait I seek anymore. I just want to be the best me. I want to live the remainder of my life seeking, reflecting, and doing things that give my life meaning.
Just didn't want ya'll to think I'd gone over the deep end .. not yet anyway!
So, on to today!
I have to confess. I was walking a lot less over the last month or two because I could mountain bike, and THAT is something I really get into!
Because I'm really pressed for time this month AND I want to stay on top of my fitness plan, I added a long walk into my daily plan. I found that I missed this time. The alone time aspect is priceless ... it really gives me time to think and reflect. I also added downloaded some on my cd's that I am studying and listen to them on the walks.
Great, right? I'm getting a whole lot of walking in! About 90 minutes a morning!
The thing is, my shins are aching like you wouldn't believe. So is my back.
I guess I was assuming that bike riding was more advanced than mere walking.
My body has told me otherwise!
The good thing is that I came home and decided to do some stretching.
I got on my stability ball and stretched. Since I was on the ball, I did some more exercises with the ball. Which brought me closer to the ground. So I figured, why not do some floor exercises. Which led to planks. Which reminded me that I need to do this more often.
Strength fades fast if it's not used!
Then off to a nice long warm shower ...
And back to studying!
I'm doing fairly well studying.
I'm drinking my water.
I'm moving every hour!
I'm eating pretty well. I gotta laugh here because the ONLY reason I'm eating well is because I bought some 'munchie' food ... low cal food that I can munch on all I want (mainly vegetables). Good thing too because the stress of studying makes me HUNGRY ... or so I think.
Hopefully, I'll be able to get a ride in tonight. It really depends on the weather and the humidity level. I'm learning to not push it so much if it's really humid because it just wipes me out ... and that's not what I'm going for!
Have a wonderful day folks ... my break is over ...
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
It's one thing to compare cost and quality in regards to a THING, and another thing altogether to compare PEOPLE.
And yet, that is how I spend my life.
Always comparing and contrasting.
Is she better looking?
The list goes on ... and on ... and on ...
This is my great character flaw. I know that society pushes us to compare from the time we are small, but .... and this is the thing ...
THIS IS MY LIFE!!! I don't want to be the great evaluator. The great judge. YUK ... what a waste of a life!
I want it to be authentic! I want to be kind. I want to be sincere. And it can't be if I spend my valuable resources (time) always comparing and contrasting myself to others.
It boils down to this ... it's just another self-esteem thing. I suspect, no , I KNOW, I do this for approval. Always wanting to be the best ... or at least better than anyone around me.
Always wanting to be the best ... or at least better than anyone around me. There, I said it. That's a heck of a flaw. I'm not satisfied until I am the best at everything that I do. And it drives me crazy.
I'm working on it. If you saw me on the street I would not look like a green eyed monster ... but it rears it's head ALL the time!
This was brought home again to me last night. I was looking at celebrities who were the same age. I think the point of the pictures was one of the celebrities was 'better' than the other. Most of the time I thought they both looked great, but I digress.
I was fine until I hit the Jamie Lee Curtis photo. I don't remember who the other celeb was. I noticed that the age was 52. I'm 51. So, of course, I had to gaze at that picture of jamie for the longest time. I had to compare myself to her. In every aspect! Who had more wrinkles, and where. Fortunately, it was just a head shot.
For Gods sake ... when am I gonna learn????
I'm not going to go over the RESULTS of my comparison because that is not the point. The point is this ...
WHY AM I ALWAYS COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS????
When will I stop evaluating others? It's a wonder I have any friends. Thank God they cannot get in my head and know how badly I judge everything and everyone ... myself included.
When is it going to stop? When will I finally have had enough?
This is what I meant when I wrote the blog about cleaning up the internal weeds. This is where I'm at. It's work. It's important to do because the actions of today show up in who I am tomorrow.
If I can get over judging, I can be sincere ALL of the time. I can be authentic.
Somewhere in me, there is this authentic Patricia, fighting to get out!
I can let you be you and I'll be me.
I won't have to be so guarded.
I'll be able to have goals that are meaningful because they will truly be MY goals, not goals that EVERYONE wants.
I suspect a lot of my emotional eating and/or obsessing would no longer exist. There would be no point.
Imagine the freedom in truly living an authentic life.
Anyway ... that's where my morning walk took me ... lots of things for me to think about. Sometimes awareness helps me change my behavior. I've come a long way. I have lots of work ahead. But I'm in.
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
All that I am comes from all that has been.
I just got back from my walk. Even in the early morning it was sweltering. I'm so glad I did it though because if I had put it off I probably would have come up with an excuse not to.
I listened to some lessons on my ipod too ... so I 'studied' for about half the walk. I need time to think and reflect too ... that's why I love walking!
I thought a lot today ... ok, maybe my brain just melted, but ...
Some days, after exercise, and particularly when I have been reflecting, I end up feeling so happy. It's such a good thing that I don't know why I'm not addicted to doing what I need to do to get here!
Anyway ... I feel great. I was thinking about how far I have come ... in life, in general. I was thinking of all that I see out there. The possibilities. I see more possibilities with each step. And I know it just gets better and better.
I was thinking about my past. Really thinking. It's impossible to feel sorry for myself when I believe that all of those things that happened brought me to where I am right now, at this moment. Not at the top of the mountain, but closer than I was yesterday, and further than I will be tomorrow.
I guess when I'm looking up, I see HOPE! And I like that!
I've had some really hard times in my life. I have incredible strength BECAUSE of the things that I have been through. I KNOW that good things will come out of all life throws at me.
I'm not that unusual is thinking that cancer was a gift. Yeah, there are other nuts like me! It SLOWED me down. It got me to pause and reflect, think and feel, instead of always being in a state of DOING.
My past brought me to where I am today and I'm so thankful!
Now onto the present ...
I have so much to learn regarding caring for my body. I mean really CARING.
I have no desire to have a drill sergeant type of mentality regarding how I care for myself.
I am not a warden.
I am not going to beat myself up.
But I am going to press onward. I am a will student in that area too!
I believe that all that has happened, has happened for a reason. I believe that there is a purpose in it all. That I am somehow being led.
I can do it the easy way ... or I can do it the hard way. You know how I usually choose ... well, I'm changing my ways!
I can resent every step and be unhappy ... OR ...
I can take the time to breathe, reflect, and know that whatever is happening is for my good ... it's another stepping stone. It's all going to take me higher.
I'm not DONE with the past, I'm placing it on a shelf of honor. It made me who I am at this point in time. For the most part, I like me.
But it's not who I will be tomorrow. Tomorrow I will be an even more complex person.
I'm pressing on!
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