Sunday, April 17, 2011
My biggest struggle post cancer has been this ... what do I want to do with the remainder of my life?
Time is passing by. For once, I'm fully conscience and aware. I want to make the most of it.
It's a struggle. An internal war. I've spent the better part of 2 years getting to know myself better. It's always easier to go back to the status quo, or the known.
Me ... who I really am, not who people think I am, or who I think people want me to be. What do I stand for? What gives me meaning? What makes me feel alive?
When I take the time to look within, there are so many emotions that come to the surface. So much to be proud of. So many regrets. So much pain. Determination. So many strengths. Achievements. So many weaknesses. Too many faults. It's all so complicated.
And yet, this is who I am. If I want peace, I need to embrace it all. That's the hardest step ... who am I? I needed to face who I really am ... right at this moment. I don't need to shout it from the rooftops. I don't need to be loud about it. It's not simple. I can't take a picture of it and be done with it. I don't want to be shallow.
In fact, I have found that silence is more my way. I learn the most by quiet reflection ... contemplation ... observation. Then by doing. And finally, by sharing and serving.
It seems appropriate to me to be reflecting about this today ... it's spring (renewal) and it's Palm Sunday. Easter is on the way (rebirth).
I have been very busy lately, with CRHP, church, school, study, speeches, mentoring ...and of course our house and the multitude of projects that I always have going on.
I have an incredible life ... perfect, even in the chaos, even with all the pain.
Life is so very good. My health is intact. I'm now officially 2 years post cancer. Dr Baby Blue Eyes tells me that I have probably made it. It's unlikely with my type of cancer that I will have a re-occurrence at this point. I have been healed!
Who knew that my soul would also be healed when I started on this journey? It's one of the extraordinary gifts that cancer brought. I've learned that valuable gifts can come from the most unlikely places.
I've learned to cherish the ordinary. I've learned to accept who I am. I'm working on the very real faults. I'm giving thanks for the strengths.
I'm keenly aware that I'm surrounded by so many angels. Yeah ... life is good!
Have a blessed week and know that you are also surrounded by angels. We never walk alone!