Sunday, April 21, 2013
So where's the plan? Have you written it yet?
What? You promised. You're always breaking promises to me.
No I'm not. But I can't make a map of how to get somewhere unless I know where we're going and I can't make that decision all by myself. You have to contribute too. Like what do you want to do right now?
I want perfection and freedom and chocolate and cheese
Right. Let me rephrase it so that you can make a choice. Do you want to continue to lose weight or do you want to stay at your present weight.
Skinny I want Skinny You can never be too rich or too skinny. I want to look like Patty Hayes.
Good God. She's been dead for 15 years. And the last time we saw her she was 16 and was tall and skinny and adolsecent. We never could have looked like that and we never will. Our bones are too short.
Oh. Yea. Right. Then ... I don't know what I want.
Hmm. Okay what do you want to look like that's NOT Patty Hayes?
I want to look Hot Hot Hot.
You already do look Hot Hot Hot and you know it.
Heh heh heh. Yeah. We looked hot last night, didn't we?
Quit fishing for compliments and answer my question.
Well. I want to wear a size medium.
Come on. You know that one manufacturer's size medium is another manufacturer's size Large and another's size small.
Well. I want to wear a size 12 or a size 10.
that's still no answer. What about a size 6 or 2 or 0? What if I took some white-out and turned that size 10 into a size zero?
No. No. that's creepy. That's cheating and besides, we're too old to be that skinny. No. size 10 or 12 is good.
I think you're putting too much emphasis on sizes. Whats' in a number and why is a size different from a weight?
Hmmm. Well, a size is how you look. I don't care how much we weigh so long as those little pretty clothes fit and look good on us.
Okay I'll grant you that. But we can't go trying on clothes all the time to see what size we wear. We don't have that much time to monitor this stuff so pick a weight. Any weight. And that's what we'll work at staying at.
Well. That came fast. Why didn't you say so at first?
You didn't ask me.
Funny girl Why do you want to weigh 143 lbs?
Because I think I will feel safe at that weight.
Oh. Well. That's a sort of a good reason. We can do that. It means losing 6 more pounds, you know. Are you sure you're not just picking this number so you can keep eating less and more restrictedly ... you know .. you're not just chickening out on trying to maintain.
Hmmm. No. I'm not playing a game. I really want to weigh 143. At least. I really want to see what I look like and what it feels like to weigh that right now, at this age and this time.
Okay that actually sounds pretty .... sound.
There's more! There's a slimness I catch a glimpse of when we're walking past a window or mirror. I've just begun to see it but it's fleeting. I'd like to see it all the time. And I think it will take being 143 to get there. I want that to be my normal.
Okay this is good stuff. So you really want that svelt feeling don't you. And we're not there yet. Sometimes we are but not most of the time.
Yeah yeah. You understand.
Good enough. How big a hurry are you to get there?
Oh. Hmmm. Pretty big hurry, I think.
Well. Well. I want to wear that red polka dot dress in the attic.
Ahh. Yes. And it's a summer dress. It needs to be hemmed, you know. Well, to get there we have to continue with the 1500 calories a few more weeks. Maybe 2 months. Are you okay with that?
How far away is 2 months?
8 weeks is June 17.
Oh. that's a long time away. Can't we do it sooner?
I don't know. That's going to be up to you and to me. We don't have a lot of parties coming up. Really only one. Maybe 2 if we have company. But that's a lot of weekends home alone with the refrigerator. And it will mean working out pretty seriously.
Well, I like doing that you know.
Yes but it will mean getting off the computer at 7 instead of 8.
yeah. Well. Okay. Let's do it.
How about we try it just for two days? This week we'll get off the computer on Monday and Tuesday at 7. 'Cause we're going to visit Mama on Wednesday and have to leave at 7:30 anyway. But we can go to the gym on M, T, and W. - Uh Oh! I just remembered. Graves Mt. Lodge is this week.
Yeah. That is going to take some planning. We have never yet successfully limited ourselves at GML.
I knooooow. Whaaaaaa. I don't wanna go.
Too bad. We have to. But what do you say, instead of saying we'll eat only one bread or only one that or no desert and then eating them anyway and feeling guilty and lousy, how about if we decide we will pause before every single bite, put down the fork and ask Are you hungry for more? Is it worth it? Do you really want it? And if the answer is yes we pick up the fork again. And if the answer is no we stop eating.
Hmmm. I like that.
It will take a different sort of discipline but it might be just the difference we need. Let's give it a try anyway.
Okay. I'll really try.
Okay I'm exhausted by all this planning. What do you say we just plan for this week.
No No. I want more. More Plans. More safety.
Well. Alright. How about this. It's April 21. The next time we weigh in will be on May 7. That's just over 2 weeks. Let's try to weigh 148.6 pounds on the May weigh in. That means the morning scale will have to show something like 145. Let's aim for 1 lb in 2 weeks with 4 meals eaten at Graves Mt. Lodge thrown in. And let's try to earn 35 exercise points both of those weeks. It means curtailing our playtime on the computer but I think we can do it. Besides we're moving into the prettiest time of the year. May.
Okay. But you'll come up with another plan for the next 2 weeks afterwards?
Yes. I will. Each time we weigh in we will come up with a new goal and a new plan. But you have to participate.
And as a reward, when we reach 145 we'll take a day off.
And another at 143?
Yep. Another at 143. Maybe a 4 day weekend!
Okay. I like this.
I like it too.
Love you too.
Friday, April 19, 2013
That's right. My Right Brain Wild Child had a meltdown yesterday.Truth be told, she's still having it. After eating 2000 calories more than my OLD recommended daily allotment over 2 days has left me - the all-emotions right brain side of me - feeling really scared and vulnerable. But I'm supposed to be at maintenance right now - only I know I really want to lose a little more. It's so confusing - which is why Left Brain School Marm is writing this. It's the only thing she knows how to do - make lists, get wordy, open the door for WC to express herself. So. Here goes.
LBSM: Hey there honey. How are you?
RBWC: (gasping deep breathing with little whiny sounds)
LBSM: Hey hey. Come here and let me hold you.
RBWC: (crawls into LBSM's lap)
LBSM: So what's got you so upset?
RBWC: I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared
LBSM: What are you scared of?
RBWC: Do you realize I have eaten all my extra points for the week - and there are 5 days left!?! I'm going to weigh 200 lbs by Tuesday at this rate.
LBSM: No you won't. Besides. You've reached your goal. It's time to start thinking about eating a little more
RBWC: No No I will weigh 400 lbs by next month. Everyone will laugh at me behind my back.
LBSM: No they won't. They won't even be looking at you. You know that.
RBWC: Yes Yes they will. I'll be a failure again and have to wear fat lady clothes and go on a diet and I hate this. Are there any more cheetos? I need cheese!
LBSM: I'm sorry. I thought I'd made a list of things we will do now that we're someplace different. Now that we're at maintenance. I see now, that it wasn't specific enough.
RBWC: No you didn't! You let me buy 4 kinds of cheese and cheetos and cake with frosting and Ben&Jerry's ice cream and champagne and left me all day yesterday, with Himself, who eats bazillion more than I do and always wants company.
LBSM: Yes. I did. I thought I'd talked this over with you. It was our 39th wedding anniversary. And even if Himself didn't want to celebrate, what with all the turmoil about the puppy, I thought you understood that one day of celebration was alright.
RBWC: I HATE celebrations.
LBSM: No you don't. We love them and you know it.
RBWC: I HATE not being sure that I can make it through the celebration safelyt - I need a better plan than just buying a little cake and a pint of ice cream. Once I start eating that stuff I'll eat it all. I need permission to throw away any extra.
LBSM: Okay. You now have permission. Does that help?
RBWC: Yeah. It does.
LBSM: What else would help?
RBWC: I need to know for sure how many points (calories) I can earn and how we're going to do it so that we don't gain any weight this week.
LBSM: LOL You funny thing. I'M the one who usually wants to shove lists at YOU!
RBWC: (cuddling closer to LBSM) I love your lists when they make me feel safe. It's only when they make me feel like a prisoner that I hate them.
LBSM: Well, I certainly want you to feel safe. I will make a new - l o n g e r - list.
LBSM: This weekend
RBWC: What about today? How will I feel safe today? What will you do today?
LBSM: We'll eat salad with Suzanne. No more than 8 points. 400 calories. and only 7 points, or 350 calories for breakfast. And earn 5 points walking out and about.
RBWC: What about the wine tasting with Lisa? I wanna go to that AND I wanna feel safe.
LBSM: We can do that. Two walks and one hour at the circ. desk and finishing up second checking the weeded books will earn those 5 points and you can have your wine with Lisa. I promise - I'll remind you that we're just 'tasting'. We'll still have 12 points or 600 calories left. dinner can be another super salad. You know we just bought all that great fresh stuff. and besides, the farmer's market is tomorrow. We'll be sure to get cash to go shopping with tomorrow and buy More Good Stuff.
RBWC: OH. hmm. yeah. that sounds good.
LBSM: Does it sound safe? Do you feel safe?
RBWC: Hmmm. Safe enough to get through to Saturday. But don't you forget to make my Real Safety List. the one about how to live at Maintenance and all.
LBSM: i won't. And if I do - I am sure you'll remind me, right?
RBWC: LOL Yeah. I will. With Cheetos!
LBSM: Yeah. I thought so. I love you.
RBWC: I love you too.
So you see - I have a WHOLE LOTTA thinking to do to figure out how to navigate into the steady state of maintenance.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Yesterday at my Weight Watcher meeting - on their scale, fully clothed, re-hydrated after a stomach bug, I finally hit my target weight.
It's a great victory for me - a long fought one, achieved through persistence and patience more than anything else. I'm glad I've fought this fight. I know that winning this level bumps me up to the next - where I will be exposed to new and different things. But for a little while I'm going to sit back and breath a happy sigh. In these troubling times, it's a small tender comfort to me to be able to feel accomplished and in control somewhere in my life.
Beyond all of the horrific news from Boston - beyond the burden of having to care for our little broken-legged dog in even more restrictive confinement for another month (she's already chewed the covering off her external pin. It's a funnel collar for her now) - beyond the budget season, the responsibilities at work, beyond anything else that litters my stage right now - there is this bright spot where I can say "I did it".
And feel good.
One day, when I feel more together - I will post about what it's like on this other side of the fence.
Open your heart today, to someone who looks like she needs it. She probably does.
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