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Finding HEALTHY At Maintenance - My Right Brain Wild Child Has A Meltdown

Friday, April 19, 2013

That's right. My Right Brain Wild Child had a meltdown yesterday.Truth be told, she's still having it. After eating 2000 calories more than my OLD recommended daily allotment over 2 days has left me - the all-emotions right brain side of me - feeling really scared and vulnerable. But I'm supposed to be at maintenance right now - only I know I really want to lose a little more. It's so confusing - which is why Left Brain School Marm is writing this. It's the only thing she knows how to do - make lists, get wordy, open the door for WC to express herself. So. Here goes.

LBSM: Hey there honey. How are you?

RBWC: (gasping deep breathing with little whiny sounds)

LBSM: Hey hey. Come here and let me hold you.

RBWC: (crawls into LBSM's lap)

LBSM: So what's got you so upset?

RBWC: I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared

LBSM: What are you scared of?

RBWC: Do you realize I have eaten all my extra points for the week - and there are 5 days left!?! I'm going to weigh 200 lbs by Tuesday at this rate.

LBSM: No you won't. Besides. You've reached your goal. It's time to start thinking about eating a little more

RBWC: No No I will weigh 400 lbs by next month. Everyone will laugh at me behind my back.

LBSM: No they won't. They won't even be looking at you. You know that.

RBWC: Yes Yes they will. I'll be a failure again and have to wear fat lady clothes and go on a diet and I hate this. Are there any more cheetos? I need cheese!

LBSM: I'm sorry. I thought I'd made a list of things we will do now that we're someplace different. Now that we're at maintenance. I see now, that it wasn't specific enough.

RBWC: No you didn't! You let me buy 4 kinds of cheese and cheetos and cake with frosting and Ben&Jerry's ice cream and champagne and left me all day yesterday, with Himself, who eats bazillion more than I do and always wants company.

LBSM: Yes. I did. I thought I'd talked this over with you. It was our 39th wedding anniversary. And even if Himself didn't want to celebrate, what with all the turmoil about the puppy, I thought you understood that one day of celebration was alright.

RBWC: I HATE celebrations.

LBSM: No you don't. We love them and you know it.

RBWC: I HATE not being sure that I can make it through the celebration safelyt - I need a better plan than just buying a little cake and a pint of ice cream. Once I start eating that stuff I'll eat it all. I need permission to throw away any extra.

LBSM: Okay. You now have permission. Does that help?

RBWC: Yeah. It does.

LBSM: What else would help?

RBWC: I need to know for sure how many points (calories) I can earn and how we're going to do it so that we don't gain any weight this week.

LBSM: LOL You funny thing. I'M the one who usually wants to shove lists at YOU!

RBWC: (cuddling closer to LBSM) I love your lists when they make me feel safe. It's only when they make me feel like a prisoner that I hate them.

LBSM: Well, I certainly want you to feel safe. I will make a new - l o n g e r - list.

RBWC: When?

LBSM: This weekend

RBWC: What about today? How will I feel safe today? What will you do today?

LBSM: We'll eat salad with Suzanne. No more than 8 points. 400 calories. and only 7 points, or 350 calories for breakfast. And earn 5 points walking out and about.

RBWC: What about the wine tasting with Lisa? I wanna go to that AND I wanna feel safe.

LBSM: We can do that. Two walks and one hour at the circ. desk and finishing up second checking the weeded books will earn those 5 points and you can have your wine with Lisa. I promise - I'll remind you that we're just 'tasting'. We'll still have 12 points or 600 calories left. dinner can be another super salad. You know we just bought all that great fresh stuff. and besides, the farmer's market is tomorrow. We'll be sure to get cash to go shopping with tomorrow and buy More Good Stuff.

RBWC: OH. hmm. yeah. that sounds good.

LBSM: Does it sound safe? Do you feel safe?

RBWC: Hmmm. Safe enough to get through to Saturday. But don't you forget to make my Real Safety List. the one about how to live at Maintenance and all.

LBSM: i won't. And if I do - I am sure you'll remind me, right?

RBWC: LOL Yeah. I will. With Cheetos!

LBSM: Yeah. I thought so. I love you.

RBWC: I love you too.

So you see - I have a WHOLE LOTTA thinking to do to figure out how to navigate into the steady state of maintenance.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WATERMELLEN 4/20/2013 6:59PM

    Such a cute blog. I'm glad you take such good care of "both" of you!

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DAYHIKER 4/20/2013 2:38PM

    Wonderfully written and very amusing! Happy Anniversary to you both! What a great milestone! emoticon
emoticon Cindy

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NUMD97 4/20/2013 10:33AM

    This is a riot! How did you manage to peek into my fridge this week? It's scary how many of your purchases align with mine.

I remember maintenance. There was no road map for it, because so few people attain it.

Kindly post "roadmap" for the rest of us, even though it will be a while before I get to sit at the adult table with you folks.

Thanks for posting!


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ANNIEONLI 4/20/2013 9:51AM

    Great blog....trial and error is the name of the game. 3 years in maintenance and I STILL have the internal fight on occassion. A little secret: the more you practice, the easier it gets - I promise! Practice makes "perfect" in a way. I also learned that it also take WAY more bad days to really pack on the pounds than just a slip up here and there...or a celebration here and there.... it's when you have a full month of LOTs of celebrations and slip-ups that things can get a wee bit outta control! just went through it, so trust me, I know! LOL The trick is to just get back on the band wagon as soon as you can, so things don't have a chance to get too outta control.

Hang in there....keep the dialogue going!!! Very funny btw! emoticon

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KANOE10 4/20/2013 9:40AM

    That was a great blog..very well written. I can definitely relate to fears of regaining all of my lost weight! You are right about wanting to learn to feel safe when you celebrate or overindulge. I think your school marm will find a way to let that wild child enjoy maintenance and stay on track.

You can do it. emoticon emoticon

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TINAJANE76 4/20/2013 3:19AM

    With just over a year of maintenance under my belt, I'm hardly a pro at it yet. But I can say that it DOES get just a bit easier over time--it just takes practice. Ups and downs are going to happen. We're in this so we can live our lives to the fullest, not so we have to live in a constant state of deprivation! What's important is how we deal with those ups.

Constantly working to keep special days to what they are, ONE DAY, not days or weeks or months, is a good first step. Deciding when you want to give yourself total freedom with food and when the freedom should be controlled is another. I'm personally comfortable with one meal a week where I don't worry about what I'm eating as long as I'm mindful the rest of the week. If a week has more than one special occasion, I either have to bring out my controlled freedom tactics or be prepared for a gain and have a plan for how I can slowly undo it.

Now that I'm on maintenance, slow has generally become the name of the game for me. I realize that there's a big difference between being up four or five pounds versus being back at 260 and that there is absolutely no rush to drop any unwanted weight that creeps up. I'm totally determined not to do anything that will sabotage my maintenance, so any changes I make are very small. If I'm not happy with my weight's upward trend, I'll cut my calories by about 100 a day and try to be more conscious about maximizing my workouts. That's it. No more drastic steps and wild swings for me.

It's normal to feel what you're feeling early on in maintenance--heck, lots of us still struggle with those feelings after we've been maintaining for quite some time. But if you keep working at it, keep experimenting with what works for you and don't allow your right-brain wild child to drive you to poor decisions too often, eventually that sensible left-brain lady will become much for of a force in your life.

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JLITT62 4/19/2013 6:15PM

    Maintenance IS harder, anyone will tell you - but I'd like to fight that battle myself!

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SHEILA1505 4/19/2013 12:59PM

    Can your LBSM come and live with me, Bess? I could do with her - the days when my student doesn't have dinner at home turn into maintenance-trampling nightmares

Hugs xxx

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KENDRACARROLL 4/19/2013 11:27AM

    Great way to put things into perspective!

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DIANNEMT 4/19/2013 11:10AM

    I am starting to think about maintenance--not quite there yet. I'm scared, too!!

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BOOKAPHILE 4/19/2013 11:03AM

    I want a Left Brain School Marm! I totally understand about wanting to feel safe and instead feeling like I'm on the edge of losing it! You made it this far, and you can see it through the maintenance you desire. Lol... listen to your LBSM. She speaks a lot of sense.

Thanks for the comment on my NSV Dr. visit blog. I appreciate the support, too!

Comment edited on: 4/19/2013 11:05:35 AM

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CALLIECURTIS5 4/19/2013 10:44AM

    LOVED your blog! I don`t know if we ever get completely "safe". We are food people wh always celebrate with food. We celebrate EVERYTHING with food.
I have these same anxieties with buffets. I am a closet eater so I can do well infront of others but to pay for a buffet and not take the priviledge of all I want...well,....that is very hard for me. Right now...I don`t do buffets.
Keep up with the self-talk. It can work wonders. emoticon

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CELIAMINER 4/19/2013 8:52AM

    Fabulous blog! I am so with you on the overeating lately, and I'm having those anxiety feelings that wake me up in a panic thinking I've regained all my weight and have nothing to wear. We'll get through this, and WE WILL MAINTAIN!

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MSLZZY 4/19/2013 7:28AM

    So that was what all the chatter was yesterday. I could hear you girls talking all the way over here. Happy anniversary to you and DH. Things will settle down soon so could you keep it quiet? LOL! Have a great day! HUGS!

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TORTISE110 4/19/2013 7:24AM

    Hilarious! You will figure it out, that I know. Happy Anniversary to you and Himself.

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ELRIDDICK 4/19/2013 7:16AM

  Thanks for sharing

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A Bulls-Eye - not a technicalilty

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Yesterday at my Weight Watcher meeting - on their scale, fully clothed, re-hydrated after a stomach bug, I finally hit my target weight.

It's a great victory for me - a long fought one, achieved through persistence and patience more than anything else. I'm glad I've fought this fight. I know that winning this level bumps me up to the next - where I will be exposed to new and different things. But for a little while I'm going to sit back and breath a happy sigh. In these troubling times, it's a small tender comfort to me to be able to feel accomplished and in control somewhere in my life.

Beyond all of the horrific news from Boston - beyond the burden of having to care for our little broken-legged dog in even more restrictive confinement for another month (she's already chewed the covering off her external pin. It's a funnel collar for her now) - beyond the budget season, the responsibilities at work, beyond anything else that litters my stage right now - there is this bright spot where I can say "I did it".

And feel good.

One day, when I feel more together - I will post about what it's like on this other side of the fence.

Open your heart today, to someone who looks like she needs it. She probably does.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MERRYMERRY6 4/18/2013 1:30PM


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IMREITE 4/18/2013 1:25AM

    emoticon Congrats! i look forward to reaching my goal.

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DAYHIKER 4/17/2013 11:15AM

    Awesome job Bess!! emoticon just bask in the glory of it for've certainly earned the privilege! emoticon

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POINDEXTRA 4/17/2013 10:12AM

    Terrific! Congratulations!

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GETULLY 4/17/2013 8:59AM

    Fabo! Congratulations! emoticon

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SWEETNEEY 4/17/2013 8:26AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TORTISE110 4/17/2013 8:06AM

    Bess, CONGRATULATIONS! That is wonderful news. I am so happy for you. emoticon

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JLITT62 4/17/2013 7:58AM

    Absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying your accomplishment - in fact, I'd say it's a moral imperative !

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KANOE10 4/17/2013 7:31AM

    Your hard work and determination have paid off. You hit your goal weight!

emoticon emoticon

My cat had to wear that funnel. I felt sorry for him but they get used to it. Hugs to your puppy.

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NANNABLACK 4/17/2013 7:23AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MSLZZY 4/17/2013 7:07AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ELRIDDICK 4/17/2013 6:59AM

  Thanks for sharing

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DMEYER4 4/17/2013 6:55AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon CONRATS ON MEETING YOUR GOAL.KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

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My Rambunctious Little Puppy Teaches Me A Lesson.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Five weeks ago my 7 month old lab pup Callie broke her leg and we have been carefully tending her since then. On Friday she got the pins out of her leg and was still on 2 more weeks of careful watching. On Saturday she started playing in the yard and you guessed it - re-injured that leg. Worst yet - I didn't notice it till we were walking home on Sunday after picking up the paper. The rest of Sunday was pure torture for the two grownups in this house. Monday she went back in for surgery and now has an exterior pin and a prescription for another month of confinement.

A tough 2 days for us. (imagine how hard we had to work to not recriminate all over each other - only partially succeeded)

Callie? she could care less. all she can think of is "Where's The Fun?!?"

And that, my friends is the best lesson I could ever learn. I agonized. I blamed. I ached. I angered. I raged. I wept. I wrung* my hands.

Callie thumped her tail. Callie nuzzled my face. Callie ate a healthy dinner - neither too much nor too little. Callie has a much more enlightened soul. She takes what's good in life and concentrates on that. No obsessing for Callie.

Lord - Please make me more like Callie. Thank you.

*edited to correct my atrocious grammar. LOL I am always flummoxed by spelling.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DAYHIKER 4/17/2013 11:18AM

    Hoping Callie will heal quickly and solidly so it doesn't happen again! You're so right about learning from her approach to life! emoticon Labs are just about my favorite dog and sometimes I miss having one on the road! Give her some skritches from me!

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OBIESMOM2 4/16/2013 1:41PM

    emoticon for Callie's full recovery

we acquired an abandoned (or maybe lost?) puppy on Saturday (found him at the park). He was injured & had some emergency surgery to hopefully save his eye.
Does that slow him down?
Does he lay around whining and thinking 'poor me...why did this happen to ME?'
NOPE! He's just as happy as he can be. He's even figured out that he can run with his cone on the floor and scoop up toys and bones.

animals are SO much better than we are

PS - we are trying to find his original family, but we are fine with keeping him.

Comment edited on: 4/16/2013 1:42:38 PM

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CBLENS 4/16/2013 1:24PM

    emoticon emoticon , we can learn from our puppies.

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KO1215 4/16/2013 11:56AM

    Awesome blog!

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KRISKECK 4/16/2013 10:46AM

    First, my sympathies to you! And second, Lord, make me more like Callie too!

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AUGUSTDRAGON 4/16/2013 10:29AM

    Callie is truly blessed with your love.

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RUNNING-LIFE 4/16/2013 9:39AM

    Amen! for that lesson. Your puppy is ADORABLE!! :)

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1HAPPYSPIRIT 4/16/2013 9:26AM

    Oh, the lesson we can learn from our pets and loved ones.......priceless!

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MSLZZY 4/16/2013 9:23AM

    A hard lesson to learn but Callie seems to be taking it in stride. Try not to beat yourself up about it. emoticon

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SCRAPBECCA 4/16/2013 8:55AM


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CELIAMINER 4/16/2013 8:38AM

    What a sweet puppy and a valuable lesson! Thanks for sharing this, especially today, when we're still coming to grips with the tragedy in Boston. Needed something uplifting.

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NELLJONES 4/16/2013 8:20AM

    We and our furry friends stick by each other through thick and thin.

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SHEILA1505 4/16/2013 8:11AM

    So sorry to hear about Callie

Rang - doesn't it look odd because it should've been wrung - isn't that the past tense of wring?


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BECKYSFRIEND 4/16/2013 8:08AM

    she's a beautiful 4 legged baby! emoticon

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What Is Normal? That's the Real Dilemma.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

First off, I want to thank everyone for their comments yesterday about my 150 lb dilemma. I really did know that I needed to wait till I was fit and healthy again before I made any claims to some number on the scale. But I also suspected lots of other people sort of wish they could instantly be perfect in a twinkling - even if it did mean a painful night - No pain no ... er... loss? And I hoped you'd get a chuckle from my situation. I have had a bunch of girlfriends over the years tell me that the only good thing about the flu is the weight loss - and we always laugh because we also know it's just temporary and will disappear with the return of good health - and really, is the misery of stomach flu worth a transitory number on a scale? Nope.

In a way, though, this leads right into something that struck me in Dean Anderson's article this morning "Have you found your inner "Normal Eater"?"

A "Normal Eater" is someone who has

"a healthy relationship with food and eating that feels normal, comfortable, usually enjoyable, and relatively easy to maintain over time. ... Just a little common sense, some basic nutritional knowledge, and a willingness to trust your body to make up for your occasional dietary “mistakes” and balance out your calorie and nutrient intake over time to match your needs."

Sounds great, doesn't it? It's what we're all after, isn't it?

Or is it? I wonder. Do I really want that? Who would I be if that were true about me? I have been concerned with my body's weight since I was 10 years old! Not sure I want to give up that hobby.

Honestly - the first thought I had was ... If I had an inner normal eater I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be on Spark People. I wouldn't be interacting with other people around this issue. I wouldn't be reading articles and sharing thoughts and pondering possibilities and writing blogs about this. And then ... wouldn't I be so lonely?

Or would I be carefree and thinking and doing and interacting about Other Things? Not that I don't do this already - but ... what about my weight loss buds? I love the interaction with them too ... I even love talking about food and weight and body issues and secrets to success and boy do I need their support when I'm failing.

Of course, the real inner normal eater is trusting her body to do what's right and not obsessing over failures. She doesn't need to be perfect.

Well, neither do I - LOL - which is good. I just need to be good - and moving. Progressing. And that brings up another issue - a Maintaining issue - which is NOT a progressing state. Has the desire to be "going somewhere with this body of mine" also contributed to regaining weight so I could get back to an Old Normal of restricted eating? Was the thrill of moving towards a goal ... the exciting anticipation of getting close ... the adulation and cheering when I got there ... was that the whole purpose? Hmmm. I wonder. I bet it was the bulk of the fun.

And is there a fear aspect too? The fear that if I "got there" I'd have to stay there or risk my reputation as a "winner"? Would regaining weight throw me into the pit full of losers? I mean - it's been 10 years since I was overweight and almost 20 since I was obese. Lots of people don't even remember that once I weighed 200 lbs. So then I'd be a New Failure not an Old Failure. I can just hear the whispers ... "What's happened to Bess? God she's ballooned up"

Oh la! where am I going with this. Feels like some giant sucking sound to the south.

What I'm really coming to see is that I am fascinated with health and bodies, especially mine and need to be challenged - to feel like I'm moving somewhere - to stay happy. I already knew this about other parts of my life; work, creativity, learning - so it doesn't surprise me to find it so present in my physical life. Having an Inner Normal Eater might erase the weight challenge but I can have lots of other challenges to push me along that still center around my health and my body. The natural process of aging is going to throw down some new challenges but there can still be ones that are selected by me because they look like so much fun. And THERE is the missing word in all this. FUN. I like to have fun with the things I am doing - the things I'm learning. Like the Cat in the Hat - I like to have good fun that is funny - and at this point I can feel my natural ENFP* (look a bird) self wandering off into another weird direction so I better just stop here and say I wish each and every one of you a great relationship with your very own Personal Inner Normal Eater - whoever he or she is.

*ENFP - Myers-Briggs Personality Test - very 90's but still fun.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LRSILVER 4/13/2013 11:47PM

    I do not think I could do intuitive eating.

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_LINDA 4/13/2013 2:48PM

    I was never concerned about my weight as I always liked to exercise and was a normal weight in childhood and as a young working adult (had a heavy lifting job), but when my RA struck again, laying me off and putting me on permanent disability, I couldn't exercise and started emotional eating. But once when the scale got too close to 200, thought that was too much and joined Physician's Weight Loss Center and lost it all in six months. But the diet was severely restrictive, required their expensive supplements and vitamins, etc. Ironically, when I reached goal, they went out of business. I followed their meal plans loosely for a while, but found them too bland and too little and slowly went back to my old ways, although a little bit healthier, cutting out some of the junk. Slowly, it all crept back on and once again saw 200 looming. A biggest Loser contest at Curves introduced me to the idea of tracking my food and watching calories. I went online to find an easier way then searching everything and adding it up and found Spark People. I came 2nd in the contest and as a bonus found the web site that has enabled me to maintain for two years and meeting the most inspirational and supportive people around! Just love it here!
I don't know if I will ever acheive this mindful eater status, but you could say I am a mindful weight watcher, weighing in once a week to make sure my weight is not creeping up. No more big or little weight gains for me.

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JLITT62 4/13/2013 10:36AM

    Interesting points!

Many of us are here because, for whatever reason, we're just not wired to be normal eaters. We may get more normal as time goes by, but I don't think we ever become a naturally thin person.

I had already lost most of my weight by the time we moved here, so no one really knows me as a heavy person & therefore I didn't get much kudos, either. Which may in the end be a positive - it's not what drives me, altho of course it's great to heat!

I can't ever see you as anything but young at heart!

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KANOE10 4/13/2013 10:28AM

    Like you I have worked on weight for most of my life. I will never be that type of normal eater.
That is wonderful that you have kept your weight off for 10 years. You raise interesting questions as maintenance does not have the thrill of adulation of losing. You do have to work on new challenges and new ways for fun in maintenance.

Thanks for sharing.

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CHICVINTAGE 4/13/2013 9:58AM

    I've been interested in health and fitness from a very young age as well. I would call myself a normal eater, except during vacations when I really indulge heavily. I've only tracked my food 4 times in my life over periods of 3 months each time. It's the best way to get consistent weight loss results but I know that even without using it my weight would go down a reasonable amount in a reasonable amount of time because it does every year I don't track.
I think your fears about being a "winner" that may end up a "loser" bring up a fascinating aspect of weight loss. Most of the time what we think other people are thinking about us is not true and even if they were, it's your body. If you aren't doing this for you, why do it or maintain it at all, right?
I know it's often confessed by people who've lost a lot of weight that they fear gaining any back because they don't want to look like they have no self-control or that they gave up. Even lifetime slim people can feel that. I've watched 95% of the people I grew up with grow overweight and obese while a very few of us maintained slimness. Every passing year I've felt more imaginary eyes waiting for me to join the group and gain. It's mostly imaginary but every year it seems like more people in social situations tell me to eat a cookie or something. :/ And it makes me feel guilty sometimes like I think they believe that I believe I'm better than the overweight group. Not trying to one-up your dilemma at all bu I often think it's harder for lifetime slim people to get a social pass on weight. There's no-one cheering for us. There's no inspiring story about how the person got a hold of their life, overcame issues, learned about nutrition and got active to get to a healthy weight. There's no "before your eyes" transformation. Friends would be supportive and understanding if an overweight to healthy weight person gained some back since that is fairly common and almost "expected". No one would ever come up to a person who'd lost noticeable weight and tell them they need to eat more even like they do to me if they were the same BMI as a lifetime slim person.
I've done my best over the years to not let it bother me but it often feels isolating caring about my health and fitness in a sea of people who don't share that passion and whose bodies show it. For me, it's not about how my slimness looks, it's how it makes me feel: ready for anything, fit and thriving! So that's what I focus on and try to ignore any pressure(real or imagined)I may feel about my weight or appearance.

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POINDEXTRA 4/13/2013 8:53AM

    I would love to be able to eat "intuitively" one day, but at 10 years of maintenance, it still hasn't happened, so I keep on tracking:). It could be that I'm just not wired for it, but I do know that I really don't pay attention to my body's signals - for instance, I realized after yesterday's dinner that I had that elusive "nothing" feeling - not hungry, not full, not anything. Is that what Weight Watchers means when they talk about feeling "satisfied"? I'm still trying to figure that one out!

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NELLJONES 4/13/2013 8:35AM

    I have been at goal for over 40 years and I am STILL not an intuitive eater. My sister is. She has never had to calculate her food intake, her body just tells her. I have to count everything. But that's OK because the counting has become intuitive. I still jot it all down in my planner, even after all these years. My body also recognizes and manages blood sugar all by itself, while my hubby has to prick his finger to see what he can and cannot eat. We all compensate for strengths and weaknesses in other aspects of our lives without thinking about it: I'm short and have to use a stepstool to reach upper shelves while my hubby and my sister just reach up. I don't agonize over it, I just get the stool. Same with food. My normal is different from theirs, but so what? I can't be taller and I can't eat intuitively, but I have tools available to work around both.

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2 Blog Friday - THANK YOU

Friday, April 12, 2013

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Thanks to all of you who left me so many kind messages on my blog post and nominated me as a motivating sparker.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CBLENS 4/13/2013 6:52AM

    A big congratulations, you have definitely motivated me! keep up the great work.

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MKELLY72 4/12/2013 11:36AM

    Yeah!! that is so awesome!!

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TINAJANE76 4/12/2013 9:10AM

    Awesome--I'm so happy for you!

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TORTISE110 4/12/2013 9:07AM

    Absolutely deserved!

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MSLZZY 4/12/2013 8:59AM


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