Friday, April 19, 2013
That's right. My Right Brain Wild Child had a meltdown yesterday.Truth be told, she's still having it. After eating 2000 calories more than my OLD recommended daily allotment over 2 days has left me - the all-emotions right brain side of me - feeling really scared and vulnerable. But I'm supposed to be at maintenance right now - only I know I really want to lose a little more. It's so confusing - which is why Left Brain School Marm is writing this. It's the only thing she knows how to do - make lists, get wordy, open the door for WC to express herself. So. Here goes.
LBSM: Hey there honey. How are you?
RBWC: (gasping deep breathing with little whiny sounds)
LBSM: Hey hey. Come here and let me hold you.
RBWC: (crawls into LBSM's lap)
LBSM: So what's got you so upset?
RBWC: I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared
LBSM: What are you scared of?
RBWC: Do you realize I have eaten all my extra points for the week - and there are 5 days left!?! I'm going to weigh 200 lbs by Tuesday at this rate.
LBSM: No you won't. Besides. You've reached your goal. It's time to start thinking about eating a little more
RBWC: No No I will weigh 400 lbs by next month. Everyone will laugh at me behind my back.
LBSM: No they won't. They won't even be looking at you. You know that.
RBWC: Yes Yes they will. I'll be a failure again and have to wear fat lady clothes and go on a diet and I hate this. Are there any more cheetos? I need cheese!
LBSM: I'm sorry. I thought I'd made a list of things we will do now that we're someplace different. Now that we're at maintenance. I see now, that it wasn't specific enough.
RBWC: No you didn't! You let me buy 4 kinds of cheese and cheetos and cake with frosting and Ben&Jerry's ice cream and champagne and left me all day yesterday, with Himself, who eats bazillion more than I do and always wants company.
LBSM: Yes. I did. I thought I'd talked this over with you. It was our 39th wedding anniversary. And even if Himself didn't want to celebrate, what with all the turmoil about the puppy, I thought you understood that one day of celebration was alright.
RBWC: I HATE celebrations.
LBSM: No you don't. We love them and you know it.
RBWC: I HATE not being sure that I can make it through the celebration safelyt - I need a better plan than just buying a little cake and a pint of ice cream. Once I start eating that stuff I'll eat it all. I need permission to throw away any extra.
LBSM: Okay. You now have permission. Does that help?
RBWC: Yeah. It does.
LBSM: What else would help?
RBWC: I need to know for sure how many points (calories) I can earn and how we're going to do it so that we don't gain any weight this week.
LBSM: LOL You funny thing. I'M the one who usually wants to shove lists at YOU!
RBWC: (cuddling closer to LBSM) I love your lists when they make me feel safe. It's only when they make me feel like a prisoner that I hate them.
LBSM: Well, I certainly want you to feel safe. I will make a new - l o n g e r - list.
LBSM: This weekend
RBWC: What about today? How will I feel safe today? What will you do today?
LBSM: We'll eat salad with Suzanne. No more than 8 points. 400 calories. and only 7 points, or 350 calories for breakfast. And earn 5 points walking out and about.
RBWC: What about the wine tasting with Lisa? I wanna go to that AND I wanna feel safe.
LBSM: We can do that. Two walks and one hour at the circ. desk and finishing up second checking the weeded books will earn those 5 points and you can have your wine with Lisa. I promise - I'll remind you that we're just 'tasting'. We'll still have 12 points or 600 calories left. dinner can be another super salad. You know we just bought all that great fresh stuff. and besides, the farmer's market is tomorrow. We'll be sure to get cash to go shopping with tomorrow and buy More Good Stuff.
RBWC: OH. hmm. yeah. that sounds good.
LBSM: Does it sound safe? Do you feel safe?
RBWC: Hmmm. Safe enough to get through to Saturday. But don't you forget to make my Real Safety List. the one about how to live at Maintenance and all.
LBSM: i won't. And if I do - I am sure you'll remind me, right?
RBWC: LOL Yeah. I will. With Cheetos!
LBSM: Yeah. I thought so. I love you.
RBWC: I love you too.
So you see - I have a WHOLE LOTTA thinking to do to figure out how to navigate into the steady state of maintenance.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Yesterday at my Weight Watcher meeting - on their scale, fully clothed, re-hydrated after a stomach bug, I finally hit my target weight.
It's a great victory for me - a long fought one, achieved through persistence and patience more than anything else. I'm glad I've fought this fight. I know that winning this level bumps me up to the next - where I will be exposed to new and different things. But for a little while I'm going to sit back and breath a happy sigh. In these troubling times, it's a small tender comfort to me to be able to feel accomplished and in control somewhere in my life.
Beyond all of the horrific news from Boston - beyond the burden of having to care for our little broken-legged dog in even more restrictive confinement for another month (she's already chewed the covering off her external pin. It's a funnel collar for her now) - beyond the budget season, the responsibilities at work, beyond anything else that litters my stage right now - there is this bright spot where I can say "I did it".
And feel good.
One day, when I feel more together - I will post about what it's like on this other side of the fence.
Open your heart today, to someone who looks like she needs it. She probably does.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
First off, I want to thank everyone for their comments yesterday about my 150 lb dilemma. I really did know that I needed to wait till I was fit and healthy again before I made any claims to some number on the scale. But I also suspected lots of other people sort of wish they could instantly be perfect in a twinkling - even if it did mean a painful night - No pain no ... er... loss? And I hoped you'd get a chuckle from my situation. I have had a bunch of girlfriends over the years tell me that the only good thing about the flu is the weight loss - and we always laugh because we also know it's just temporary and will disappear with the return of good health - and really, is the misery of stomach flu worth a transitory number on a scale? Nope.
In a way, though, this leads right into something that struck me in Dean Anderson's article this morning "Have you found your inner "Normal Eater"?"
A "Normal Eater" is someone who has
"a healthy relationship with food and eating that feels normal, comfortable, usually enjoyable, and relatively easy to maintain over time. ... Just a little common sense, some basic nutritional knowledge, and a willingness to trust your body to make up for your occasional dietary “mistakes” and balance out your calorie and nutrient intake over time to match your needs."
Sounds great, doesn't it? It's what we're all after, isn't it?
Or is it? I wonder. Do I really want that? Who would I be if that were true about me? I have been concerned with my body's weight since I was 10 years old! Not sure I want to give up that hobby.
Honestly - the first thought I had was ... If I had an inner normal eater I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be on Spark People. I wouldn't be interacting with other people around this issue. I wouldn't be reading articles and sharing thoughts and pondering possibilities and writing blogs about this. And then ... wouldn't I be so lonely?
Or would I be carefree and thinking and doing and interacting about Other Things? Not that I don't do this already - but ... what about my weight loss buds? I love the interaction with them too ... I even love talking about food and weight and body issues and secrets to success and boy do I need their support when I'm failing.
Of course, the real inner normal eater is trusting her body to do what's right and not obsessing over failures. She doesn't need to be perfect.
Well, neither do I - LOL - which is good. I just need to be good - and moving. Progressing. And that brings up another issue - a Maintaining issue - which is NOT a progressing state. Has the desire to be "going somewhere with this body of mine" also contributed to regaining weight so I could get back to an Old Normal of restricted eating? Was the thrill of moving towards a goal ... the exciting anticipation of getting close ... the adulation and cheering when I got there ... was that the whole purpose? Hmmm. I wonder. I bet it was the bulk of the fun.
And is there a fear aspect too? The fear that if I "got there" I'd have to stay there or risk my reputation as a "winner"? Would regaining weight throw me into the pit full of losers? I mean - it's been 10 years since I was overweight and almost 20 since I was obese. Lots of people don't even remember that once I weighed 200 lbs. So then I'd be a New Failure not an Old Failure. I can just hear the whispers ... "What's happened to Bess? God she's ballooned up"
Oh la! where am I going with this. Feels like some giant sucking sound to the south.
What I'm really coming to see is that I am fascinated with health and bodies, especially mine and need to be challenged - to feel like I'm moving somewhere - to stay happy. I already knew this about other parts of my life; work, creativity, learning - so it doesn't surprise me to find it so present in my physical life. Having an Inner Normal Eater might erase the weight challenge but I can have lots of other challenges to push me along that still center around my health and my body. The natural process of aging is going to throw down some new challenges but there can still be ones that are selected by me because they look like so much fun. And THERE is the missing word in all this. FUN. I like to have fun with the things I am doing - the things I'm learning. Like the Cat in the Hat - I like to have good fun that is funny - and at this point I can feel my natural ENFP* (look a bird) self wandering off into another weird direction so I better just stop here and say I wish each and every one of you a great relationship with your very own Personal Inner Normal Eater - whoever he or she is.
*ENFP - Myers-Briggs Personality Test - very 90's but still fun.
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